The Perfect Emotion (7 page)

“Kate, sweetie, let’s just talk about … nothing. Try to enjoy ourselves.” I look at her wide-eyed and bite down nervously on the bottom corner of my lip. Part of me wants this more than anything. I contemplate my response pushing the battle in my head to the side.

“Okay.” She doesn’t miss a beat once I concede.

“Did you know Daniel has a new girlfriend? She’s the Lawler’s girl. Really I think they are just good friends,” she says with a lightness in her voice.

“Really, wow, that’s kinda funny since they’ve known each other since they were babies.”  I laugh a little.  “That kid cracks me up.  He better be careful with all these girls swooning over him so early.”  My mom laughs along with me and it feels good.

“What about you?  Are you dating anyone?”  I stop laughing and look down at my drink swirling the straw around.  I swallow through the tightness I feel rising in my chest. My mind instantly floats to Reed. 
No, but I’d really like to be.

“No.”

“What about Reed? Do you ever see him?” Her tone is soothing and gentle. I know she is being sincere, but it’s hard for me to trust her. I think back to what my therapist told me and remember that I need to open up a little.

“Yes, I play tennis with him on Saturday’s usually.  Although, I didn’t go this Saturday because I was studying.” 

“Do you talk though?” She asks casually, but I know for me talking about Reed will never be casual. My heart hurts thinking about him.

“No, I just can’t. I don’t feel ready.” I pause before I let the next words fall from mouth freely. “But I miss him.”

My mom doesn’t respond, but instead reaches over and gently pulls my hand into hers comfortingly.  I let her; it feels good to be comforted by her.  Our food comes shortly after and we eat talking about nothing really important the rest of the meal.  I find myself smiling and laughing every so often.  Once we finish she drives me back to my dorm.  I look at her before I’m about to open the door and my eyes start to well up. 

“Thanks mom.” This time the word mom flows out of my mouth without a hitch in my breath. 

“No, thank you, sweetie.  I miss and love you so much.  Everything is going to be okay.  When you are ready we will talk more.”  She pulls me over towards her and wraps her arms firmly around me telling me how proud she is of me and how important I am to her.  Tears begin to drip from my overflowing eyes.  Then she says, “And when you are ready you should tell Reed what he means to you.”

C
HAPTER 5

I stretch out in my bed with a feeling I haven’t felt in a while.  My breathing is calm, even and easy.  The tightness I usually wake to feels absent.  The relief spreading through me is refreshing and I know that it has everything to do with the therapy session … and more than anything the dinner with my mom.  I’ve realized that hope has all possibilities wrapped up in that one emotion.  Hope can lead you to endless or limited outcomes.  Sometimes hope just isn’t enough.  But, today I feel hopeful and it feels good.  I stop myself from letting my mind drift to any dark outcomes.  I admit that things are progressing with my mom in a positive direction and I can’t deny myself how good it feels.  The words of my therapist run through my mind about putting myself out there and how that does not automatically mean abandonment or heartbreak. 

I pick up my phone to see that it’s after nine, which is later than I had planned on getting up.  Luckily, I don’t have any tests today.  Today I’ll have to spend the day at the library working on my paper.  Then Friday I’ll have my last test for accounting.  I can’t even think about spring break until this week is over.  I click through my phone to see I have a few text messages.

Katherine, how have your tests gone?  Keep up the good work.
Xoxo Dad

I send a quick reply to tell him that my tests have gone well and what I have left for the week.  I also tell him that I had dinner with mom.  I don’t add any details, but I know he will know that it is positive considering this is the first time I went to dinner with her. 

I scroll down to the next text and see a number that I don’t recognize. I hesitate for a moment because the area code is from back home. I’m afraid it will be from the one person I don’t want to hear from, Kyle. I hover over clicking the screen and then curiosity kills me. I click.

Hi, it’s me, Kyle. Will you be home next week? Please meet with me. A lot has changed. I still miss you.

I swear I gasp aloud and my heartbeat stops for a moment.  I guess I kind of knew this would happen eventually.  I’ve seen the emails come every week, but chose to ignore them, which I still think is the best way to handle Kyle.  I’m not sure how he got my number.  Lying back against the wall I press my eyes closed and images of that night flit through my head. 
Kyle yelling in my face, pushing me down on the bed, grabbing at me, his mouth forceful on my lips, the fighting… blood… Reed, Kyle and lastly me being thrown across the room.
  Instantly, I work on calming myself and my breathing before I start to hyperventilate.  I’m shocked at how quickly I am able to keep myself in control.  Thinking of that night is still traumatic, but I’m able to deal with it better now.  Moments like this remind me of how important it is for me to continue with the therapy.

Maggie starts to stir in her bed. I smile when I see her face down in her pillow all spread out with no blankets on her. This is how she always sleeps. Although, I wonder how she sleeps with Brandon. I know she has a test later today and will want to get up soon to study again.

“Mags, wake up.”  Silence. 

“Mags.”

“I’m up,” she mumbles out gruffly. 

As she continues to stir I glance back at my phone to look at another text. This one stops my heart for another reason.  It’s Reed. 

Katherine, I missed my tennis opponent on Saturday. 
Friday night at 6?
  Reed

I squeeze my phone to my chest and let out a little squeal.  Funny how two texts from different guys both claiming to miss me can evoke completely different reactions from me. 

“What could you possibly be so happy about already?” Maggie asks with a laugh in her tone.

“Nothing.” 

“Tell me!” She presses me. I’m upfront about everything with Maggie except Reed. I decide to tell her everything except about my text from Reed.

“Well, I went to dinner with my mom last night and it was good.”

“Really?  That’s great!”  She sits up on her bed leaning against the wall facing my bed.

“Yeah, it was great.  We talked liked we used to and we talked about some more serious stuff too… or well, she did.” 

“That’s good, it’s progress, right?”

“Yep, it is.” I’m still hugging my phone to my chest as I roll my legs off the bed and sit on the edge.

“That’s not why you were squealing though. And why are you hugging your phone? Did you hear from Reed?”

I don’t respond, but my smile is plastered on my face as I stare down at my bare feet on the floor. I’m happy about the text from Reed. Okay, delighted is more like it, but I don’t know what it means. Even though I know how trustworthy Maggie is I’m still not ready to talk about it.

“You don’t have to say anything.  I can tell.”  She laughs and smiles at me reassuringly. 

“I got a text from someone else too…”  I’ve basically just admitted that Reed did text me, but I trust Maggie not to ask more about it. 

“No?” She asks questioningly.

“Kyle.”

“How in the hell did he get your number?  That bastard.”  Anytime Kyle is mentioned its guaranteed Maggie will start cussing.

“I’m actually handling it way better than I would have thought.  It’s rattled me a little, but not like he used to.  I’m ignoring this one, but if it keeps up then I’ll act on it.”

“I’m proud of you, Kate.” She gets up and heads towards the bathroom and before she closes the door. “Let’s go get a coffee before we study.”

“Yep, definitely need a coffee.”

Once Maggie is in the bathroom I look down at my phone and click on the text that startled my heart more than Kyle’s. I contemplate my response and decide that honesty is still always the best policy… just like mom still says.

Yes, I’d like that. Katherine

By the time Thursday night rolls around I’m exhausted. I only have my midterm accounting test left tomorrow morning so I head to the library in my gray pea coat and favorite new gloves to meet with my study group.  Rushing through the library doors I bolt up the stairs and skip the elevators all together since I’m a little late.

When I get to the area that we always meet at I see Andy calling me over to a seat he saved for me next to him. With a smile plastered across his face he pulls the chair out as I approach. Once I sit I scurry through my bag to pull out my book and notes. Andy shows me what problems they are working on and his one arm reaches around to the back of my chair to rest. I try to pretend that I don’t notice, but he’s closer than I’d like and I can hear his breathing. Throughout the studying I keep myself focused and avoid engaging in any conversation aside from accounting with Andy. Eventually, he moves his arm and I feel like I can breathe easier. I force myself to study as long as possible, but my mind and body are exhausted by midnight. There are only a few of us left at this point.

“Wow, I’m exhausted.” I try to stifle my yawn. “I’m going to go get some sleep and then study again before the test.” I reach across towards Andy to grab my calculator and his hand lightly reaches out and touches mine. I stop wide-eyed and pull my hand with the calculator in tow quickly back to me.

“Sorry, I, uh.”  I’m tired and drained, but I stare at him hoping that he’ll explain what just happened as an accident.  “I was just going to as-“

“Don’t worry about it.  It’s late and I’m beat.”  I try my best at sounding unaffected and nonchalant.  I start throwing everything into my bag as quick as I can before grabbing my coat. 

“Yeah, let me walk you back to your dorm. I should get some sleep too.” I don’t bother trying to tell him not to because he’s already packing up.

“Okay, thanks.”

On the walk back to my dorm I keep any conversation focused on accounting.  Andy abides to my unspoken rule and once I’m in a clear shot of my dorm I tell him that I will see him tomorrow.  He lets me race off towards the dorm without pressing me any further. 

My test for accounting went smooth and I feel really good about the whole week. I managed to avoid any conversations with Andy other than when I first walked into the room to take the test. Part of me feels bad about how I’m dealing with him, but at the same time I’ve done nothing to make him think I’d be open to anything more than friends. He’s a nice guy, attractive enough, but just not someone I’d be interested in. I almost make myself laugh as I am walking over to the Union. Who am I kidding I don’t think I’ll ever think anyone is my type again … other than Reed.