The Perfect Emotion (6 page)

We wrap up our bill and he tells me about the movie we are going to see.  As we are walking up to the front Jenna, Quinn and Lynn walk in.  The girls are full of giggles because they’ve had a couple beers before coming out.  They came in to eat some pizza before heading out to a party.  Instantly, Derek and I are aware that Kelly is not with them.  I look at Derek and I can see the worry in his face. 

“Where’s Kel?” Derek asks trying desperately to hide his concern.

“She wouldn’t come out with us.  I’m sure you know why too.”  Jenna spits out with sass and her hands on her hips. 

He looks at me with pleading eyes and I know that he wants to go to her. Of course, I want that more than anything. I reach over and hug him tightly before I tell him what he needs to hear.

“Go. Go to her now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I didn’t even want to see the movie … remember you forced me into it?” He laughs as he starts to open the doors.

“I owe you big time.”

Jenna gives me a knowing wink of approval.  I smile because I’m happy that Derek will do the right thing.  Also, I’m relieved that things will work out with them.  The girls try to persuade me to stay and come out to the party, but I tell them that I’m too tired.  They are all so patient with me and I love them for trying, but I’m just not ready.  The last time I was at a party it ended up being the most traumatic night of my life.  Plus, Quinn is still involved with Matt and the fear of seeing Reed is enough to keep me at bay for the time being. 

Monday morning I wake early to head out for my test.  Quickly, I get dressed and brush my teeth.  I don’t have time to shower because I allowed myself to sleep to the last minute possible since I stayed up late studying.  I’m ready for my test now though.  The weather is still bitter cold and I bundle myself up tightly before grabbing my bag.  I open my door and there on the floor is a small long box with a familiar stationary taped to it.  As I reach down to pick the box up I look to see if anyone else is stirring around the hallway, but it’s too early.  I move back into my dorm room to open it up.  Once I unfold the note I see the initials branded on the top, GRH. 

I open the box and there lie a pair of smooth, black and thick gloves with the logo that matches my coat, The North Face.  They look like they could beat the snowdrifts of Antarctica.  My other gloves that I always forget, including, as I was about to leave just now, are not nearly as warm or nice.  Smiling with an extra beat in my heart I slip my already cold hands into the gloves. 

C
HAPTER 4

The semester moves on and winter starts to lighten up.  Mid-term is fast approaching and I’ve managed to keep myself buried in my books.  My friends gently nudge me to get out more, but I still can’t do it.  The only way I push myself out of my boundaries is by going to play tennis with Reed every Saturday at our normal time.  We have yet to talk, but this past Saturday as he was walking off the courts he turned around giving me one of his famous smiles and winks.  I melted.  The urge to run to him and wrap myself around him was like nothing I had ever felt before.  I wanted to throw myself at him and beg him to forgive me… to take me back.  My stomach flipped and had butterflies just like I remembered. A surge of energy ran up through my chest causing my breathing to accelerate even more than it already was. I had to pace there on the courts to calm my breathing and prevent myself from hyperventilating. I didn’t go this past Saturday because I needed to study and my heart actually ached.   

It’s mid-term week in March and just like every Tuesday evening I hop on the bus down Wisconsin Avenue towards the lake.  Part of the agreement with my parents to come back to school was that I meet with a therapist every week.  In all honesty, I agreed to get help without a fight.  By that point I knew I needed the help.  The part that I disagreed with is that my mom will also be attending every week.  It’s not like I threw a tantrum or anything, but I just made it clear that I didn’t want her to come up and be a part of this.  Wouldn’t you know that she has not missed one appointment.  Many of the appointments we are in them together, but every so often I ask to go in alone.  She never pushes me to be a part of a therapy session that I feel I need to do alone.  I feel guilty though because after every one of those appointments she patiently waits in the lobby of the building until I am done.  On those days she always asks to take me to dinner or coffee or ice cream and I always decline saying that I have too much homework.  

As I sit on the bus I look through my notes for my next final. I’m relieved that I took a final on Monday and one today. Now I only have one more exam and a paper due before the week is over. The time change hasn’t happened yet and darkness sets in earlier than I’d like. The lights of the cars in traffic blur by as the bus makes its stops. I look back down to my notes, but find my mind drifting. I decide that today is going to be a session I do alone. It’s becoming more and more difficult to push back the feelings I have about Reed and everything that happened last year. I press my eyes closed and lean against the window of the bus remembering…

After being home for a week the gnawing pit in my stomach continued to grow.  I couldn’t decide what I was most upset about… the
fight,
how I left Reed and took advantage of him or that my mom came home.  I was lying in my bed like I had been doing since I had gotten home when my dad came in.  My back was turned to him and I felt too weak to even turn over to face him.  He sat down on the side and was quiet.  I’m sure he was waiting for me to divulge more of what happened, but all I could do was cry. 

“Katherine, sweetheart.”
  He paused before he continued.  “Please you need to tell us more of what happened.  I can’t fix this if you don’t tell me.  Who was Kyle fighting and why?”

I began to turn over and pull myself up to lean against the headboard relieved that my dad’s back was to me.  I can’t stand to see him hurt like this. 

“Please Katherine.” His tone was more firm than it had been since I got home and I could hear a hint of frustration.

“Reed.
  That’s who Kyle was fighting…”  Before I could explain anything else he interrupted me with a fierce tone that I had never experienced before.

“You will not talk to either of them again, do you understand me?”

“Dad, hold on, that’s …”

“No,
you listen to me Katherine, that’s it.  I won’t hear of you talking to either of these guys.  This is what got you in this situation.”  He was practically yelling now and I sobbed loudly as I pulled my knees up to my face.  I didn’t have the strength to protest him and explain how Reed saved me.  Before he could continue my mom came to the door.

“
Dan, stop it.  That’s enough,” She
whispered softly.

“Karen, don’t you dare tell me how to handle this.  You have no right.”  I buried my face into my knees a little more and hugged myself trying to block out everything.  I can’t ever remember hearing my dad talk like this to my mom and even though I had all kinds of anger built up towards her I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to protect her. 

The bus screeches to a halt and I pull myself from my memory just in time to grab my bag and get off the back of the bus. I walk up a couple buildings until I come to the one that holds my therapist. As I come around one of the structures I see my mom sitting on the stairs leading up towards the doors. When she sees me come into view she smiles brightly, as if we are just any mother and daughter meeting up, but my heart and mind know otherwise. I give her credit though because she tries and hasn’t let up on trying to get close to me again.

“Hi mom,” I say simply.

“Hi sweetie, how are you?” She moves towards me and lightly hugs me.

“Okay, just finished my second mid-term today.” 

“How’d it go?”  She asks as she moves her blonde hair from her coat collar. 

“Good, I think.” I shrug. “I just have one more and a paper due, but I feel ready.”  Another thing I have to give my mom credit for is that she never wavers from telling me how proud she is of me.

“That’s great sweetie.  Your dad and I are so proud of you.” 

“Thanks mom.” As I say the words my breath stirs like it always does when I say mom. I still have a hard time calling her mom since she came back, but through therapy it’s become easier. “Um, would you care if I went in by myself tonight?”

“Sure, I’ll wait here for you. Are you feeling okay?” She holds her posture never letting on that I’ve offended her or wasted her time coming up here. I look in her eyes for a brief second and I can see concern, but approval. Her smile is genuine and I relax when I process her reaction.

“Thanks, I’ll be down soon.”

“Okay, I love you Kate.”  She gives me a soft peck on my head and gently wraps her arms around me.  I try desperately not to pull away, but I’m nervous to betray my instincts that she could still hurt me. She releases me before my breathing picks up and I quickly make my way over to the elevators.

When the elevator beeps I make my way out and over to my mom sitting in a stiff leather chair in the lobby.  Her face is hiding in a magazine and she looks to be enthralled in whatever story she’s reading.  I pause for a moment to collect my thoughts from my therapy session.  As much as I dread coming I always feel better when I leave. 

“Hi, I’m done,” I say and then sit in one of the chairs next to her.

“Oh good, do you want to get something to eat? I’m sure you’ve been busy studying and have to be hungry for a good meal.” She smiles at me and reaches over to rub the top of one of my hands. Just like every week she always asks this and I always decline, but I decide that today is the day I will say yes.

“Yea, that sounds good.  I’m starving.”  It’s hard for her to hide her shock, but she looks beyond happy at my acceptance to go.  I don’t hide my response and smile at her.

We head out and walk over to a restaurant around the corner. The hostess sits us in a booth next to the windows that look out onto Wisconsin Avenue.  The restaurant is busy for a weeknight and I’m glad for the distractions.  It’s odd to sit across from my mom and feel uncomfortable and nervous.  We were never like this before.  We had always been close.  Maybe too close I think.  I keep my eyes fixed on my menu afraid to make eye contact with her.  The waiter comes and takes our order and then I feel forced to make conversation.  When I look up I see her eyes that resemble mine and her face that looks soft and young.