The Perfect Emotion (12 page)

“Ewww, I’m all gross and sweaty after tennis.” I scrunch my nose up and look up at him. He moves in and kisses my nose.

“Um hmmm, even better.”  I laugh and wipe at my eyes to rid the remaining moisture.  It feels amazing to be close to him and laughing.  Without a doubt I know this is the start for us and hope blooms in my chest that we’ll figure out where we go from here.

Walking across campus with Katherine in my arms and her hand in mine reminds me of what it felt like to be a young boy on Christmas morning.  Getting everything you ever dreamed of and not wanting the fulfillment to go away consumes me. 

All this time pacing myself in my approach has paid off.  It was a huge gamble for me to take just now, but I knew I had to do it.  I couldn’t go through the break not knowing.  I pushed more than I had before and once she let me put my arms around her I knew there was no going back. 

I understand that she thinks she used me, but I’ve always seen it as more than that.  I knew it was more.  She’s too pure and innocent to use me maliciously.  Still all I could think of is that she has been torturing herself about this for no reason.  Hell, who am I kidding?  She can use me any damn time she needs to.  I was a willing participant and I’d do it again without a qualm.  I just hate that she has been beating herself up over it.  I breathe a sigh of relief and squeeze her hand in my pocket a little tighter.  My mind can’t completely grasp everything that has happened and that she is finally by my side.  This is where I want her, where I always want her.  I just need to show her that she didn’t use me and that what we have is more. 

When we get up to Reed’s room, it’s only a little before eleven. He shuts his door and locks it. I stand there fidgeting with my fingers now a little nervous. He takes his coat off and puts it in his small closet and then makes his way over to me. Carefully, he starts to unbutton my coat and since it’s double breasted it’s taking extra concentration on his part.  His long fingers gently undo the last button and then he slides it from my shoulders.  The coolness of the air hits my exposed skin and goose bumps travel over me. I’m bone chilled even inside. Reed looks at me with a smile as he drapes my coat over a chair at his desk.  I stand there in the middle of the room unsure of what I should do now.  Moving my hair behind my ears I bite down on my bottom corner of my lip.  Reed strides back over to me and runs his hands up and down my arms warming me from the inside out.

“You’re freezing still. I’m sorry. Do you want a sweatshirt?” I nod my head yes and then he moves his hand up to my face pulling my lip free. “Hey, don’t be nervous.” 

“I am though.”  Even saying those few words aloud is difficult for me, but I know I have to be forthright.  He pulls out a hoodie and moves over to help me into it.  Then he wraps me in his arms and my nerves lighten in his embrace.  I let out a breath that I had been holding and he kisses the top of my head. 

“Take your shoes off.” I slip my feet out of my wedges while still in his arms. He moves us to his bed. The memories I have of being in this bed come flooding back to me. My hormones kick into high gear as thoughts of his hands touching my bare body fill my mind. As much as I want that I know it’s not the right way to go about things.  We need time.  Reed climbs up against the headboard and pats the spot between his legs.  I slide up in between his legs and lean against his back. His arms entangle around me and he moves my hair to the one side then dips his head into my neck.  Softly he kisses the skin at my neck and I move my head to the side to give him more of my neck. 

“You look good in my sweatshirt, but Katherine that outfit tonight about did me in when I saw you at the pool table.” I snicker and turn my head more towards him. He gives me a chaste kiss.

“Oh, this old thing.”  I swat my hand at the air and lean up to kiss his lips.  “I like how this smells like you.  I might need to keep it over the break,” I say and then press my lips to his again.

“You can keep it. God, I don’t want to even think about being away from you already. What are you doing for your break?” I let out a yawn and turn sideways with my ear resting on his chest. The thumping of his heart beating strongly could lull me to sleep.

“Nothing really, just going to be at home.  I wanted to work at one of my dad’s offices, but he won’t let me.  What are you doing?”

“I’m going to be at my dad’s house and working at one of his offices.  There’s a big case coming up that he’s been letting me work on with one of his top lawyers.  I’ve helped most of this semester, but I’ll be there all week now.  It’s good experience for me, although I’d rather be at my mom’s.”

“Where do your parents live?” I ask out of curiosity.

“My dad is not far, about an hour north of campus and my mom is just about 35 minutes away. If I’m able to get some free time during the break, I’ll come down and see you.”

“Or I could come up and see you.” I know my mom will be okay with me seeing Reed, but I’m not sure on my dad. He may take a little time to accept things with Reed.   

“Can I ask you a question?” I tighten up and lay still against him. I’m not ready to do this, but I have some of my own questions I’d like to ask too.

“Yes, if I can ask you one too.” He laughs at this because this is what we do … we make it a game in order to get what we want.

“Maybe you should be going to law school with the way you always bargain with me.”

“Hmmm, maybe I should.” I joke and he tickles my side causing me to laugh and squirm. “Okay, I’m asking first.”

“That’s fine, shoot.”  His confidence is stronger than I feel.  His fingers gently sweep my chin up and he kisses me on the lips with his tongue just barely entering. 

“When’s the last time you were with Reese in any way?” I’m practically whispering because I’m ashamed of myself for being jealous. I have no right to make him feel bad about what he did when I left.

“God, you really want to know this. I can’t lie to you. I’ll never do that.”

“Yes, I need to know.” 

“I kissed her a couple times. The first time was about a week and a half after you left. The second time was right before the semester started.”

“Did you sleep with her or anyone else?”  I pause for a moment to catch my breath.  “Since me.”

“No, never even tried.  I did try to move on though.  I tried to kiss a couple girls to get you off my mind, but it didn’t work.  It wasn’t my first option either … I drank, smoked pot.  I even called my ex-girlfriend.  I was so desperate to get rid of the heartbreak I felt.  Then I stopped and decided to wait for you to come around … with some subtle nudging on my part.” 

“You think you were subtle, huh?”

“Yes, considering what I really wanted to do, yes, I was subtle.”  I laugh a little, but then I start to process what he’s told me.  The thought of him kissing other girls rips me apart.  Him calling his ex-girlfriend leaves me wondering about their relationship and what kind of feelings are involved.  He interrupts me from drifting off any further.  “What are you thinking?”

“Nothing, it just hurts to hear it that’s all.”

“I don’t want you to hurt, but I don’t want to hide anything from you. And I can’t apologize either.”

“I don’t want you to apologize.” I realize I sound a little snippy and really he shouldn’t apologize. He didn’t do anything wrong. Eventually, I know I need to explain more about why I left. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry.”

We lay there quietly for a while and I start to feel myself drifting off. I really should go back to my dorm. I don’t know if I can trust myself to stay here this close to him. He shifts us downward laying us into a spoon position.  Gently he rubs my arm and then holds onto my hand.  Slowly, his hand stretches around and latches onto my pinky finger.  My heart flutters fast and butterflies fill my stomach.  I love that he remembers this. 

“I should go.”  My voice is filled with sleep and I stifle a yawn. 

“No, stay here, I just want to hold onto you.” He kisses my head and my eyes give into closing. I’m too tired and comfortable to protest.

C
HAPTER 9

My legs are tangled up with Reed’s and his arm is draped heavily over my abdomen.  I’m sweating just beneath his arm with his sweatshirt on.  I groggily look at the clock and see it’s almost three in the morning.  I start to feel a little panicked that I’m here lying in his bed.  It’s too soon.  My chest begins to heave rapidly and I shift myself from his arm to relieve the weight in my chest, but it only lightens it slightly.  I slip my legs over the side of the bed and turn to look at Reed’s face.  It’s soft and peaceful looking.  His lips are parted with his breaths consistently making their way in and out.  I look to the floor and see my shoes and I’m fighting my urge to run out.  I need time to process this.  While it took three months to get here it all seems so sudden now. 

Placing my feet to the floor on the side of the bed I delicately lift myself trying to be as weightless as possible.  When I look over Reed shifts peacefully, but remains deep in sleep.  He is still fully clothed, but I know exactly what lies underneath and I’m eager to touch him.  The way his long lean legs are stretched causes his shirt to rise exposing the top of his Calvin Klein’s and his taut abdomen.  The craving to run my fingers across his abdomen sets me back.  I wrap my arms around myself clinging to his sweatshirt and decide to keep it on.