The Ocean Between Us (27 page)

“So did you play sports in high school?” Katie asked Josh, her gaze worshiping him across the dinner table. She had been bombarding him with questions since he and Lauren had walked through the door.

“You bet,” he said. “Lacrosse and basketball.”

“Whoa. Dad played basketball in high school. Brian’s sports are baseball and track. So did you like going to Annapolis?”

“It changed my life,” Josh said.

Grace struggled with the idea that she was feeding dinner to her husband’s firstborn child. It was incredible to realize that Josh had been in the world for twenty-six years, a mystery to the man who had fathered him. Yet Steve’s presence shone through in Josh’s smile, even the way he held himself.

Meeting their half brother was probably as surreal to the kids as it was to her. She sensed that in addition to being curious about him, they felt vaguely threatened. Emma showed Josh a surprising measure of deference. Katie was in awe of him. Brian didn’t bother to hide his resentment as he shoveled in the food and gave monosyllabic answers only when directly prodded.

“I have to go,” he announced in his longest speech of the evening. “I promised Mr. Clune I’d fill in at the shop tonight.”

“There’s raspberry sorbet for dessert,” Katie reminded him.

“I have to get going,” Brian said, not bothering to mask his eagerness to escape. He took his plate to the kitchen.

Grace excused herself, grabbing the chicken pitcher on the pretext of refilling it. “I didn’t know the cycle shop was open tonight,” she murmured.

“It is.” He tugged a sweatshirt over his head.

She could feel resentment rolling off him. “Until when?”

“Depends. How late are they staying?” He jerked his head toward the dining room.

He’d been displaced, Grace realized, hurting for Brian. He was no longer the oldest, no longer the only son. And here he was, facing a Naval Academy graduate, an officer, a pilot. A man who was everything Steve claimed he wanted in a son.

This wasn’t the time to discuss it, though. She had no idea what to do to make this work—for the kids, or for herself. Like so many issues in the Bennett family, this one had fallen into her lap with Steve gone. This was her problem to deal with. Her mess to clean up. And she had no idea where to begin.

“See you later, then,” she said.

He left in a hurry, his “Nice meeting you” called out as he fled through the back door.

Grace returned to the table with the pitcher of water.

“This is the best lasagna I’ve ever had,” Lauren declared.

“Thanks. It’s actually a low-fat version. You mix tofu with the ricotta. So have all you want.”

“It’s delicious. Promise you’ll share the recipe.”

Katie turned to Lauren. “You probably don’t ever have to watch what you eat.”

Grace remembered the picture of the obese woman Lauren kept in her desk. “Emma,” she said, intervening before Lauren could answer, “how about some help clearing the table?”

With uncharacteristic enthusiasm, Emma jumped up and gathered the dirty dishes.

“Ma’am, that was the best chow I’ve had in ages,” Josh said.

“Glad you liked it.” Grace handed Emma a stack of plates.

Josh studied a display of photos on the built-in wall shelves. In the middle stood a framed picture of Steve and the kids, taken at the beach at Mustang Island last year. He and Brian were shirtless and suntanned, each holding one end of a surfboard while the girls sat on the board between them. Grace had always liked the shot because it was so candid, his grin reflecting unadulterated joy in being with his children. He’d left his officer persona somewhere else for that moment, and he was simply a family man.

She had to wonder what Josh felt when he saw that snapshot. Regret that he’d never known Steve? Resentment? Or relief that he’d lived a different life?

“Want to see some more pictures?” Katie said. “We have tons and tons. Here, I’ll show you.”

Before Grace could decide whether or not it was a good idea, her youngest child dragged a stack of photo albums from a cabinet in the buffet. A look of stark curiosity crossed Josh’s face. He yearned to know about his biological father, she realized. His half siblings.

Katie did a remarkably good job with the narration, proving herself to be well-informed about the family’s history even before she was born. “They got married by a Navy chaplain. Check out my mom’s dress. It was her grandmother’s, wasn’t it, Mom?”

“Yes. Yes, it was.” Her memory of that day was crystal clear. She had been so deeply in love that her parents’ disapproval hadn’t mattered one bit. Steve had swept her off her feet in every sense of the word, making her giddy with excitement about the life they were about to begin.

“They went to Sigonella—that’s in Sicily—after they were married,” Katie said, turning to a page of photos depicting the arid scenery of the Mediterranean in high summer. There was a shot of Grace and Steve on motor scooters that were perfect for running around hillsides covered with goats and olive trees.

“And there’s Pensacola,” Katie said. The albums and her ideaalistic narrative depicted a happy family.

Grace wondered if the others could see what she saw, that Steve was a complicated man, often torn between duty and desire. That their marriage was one of dramatic and frequent changes. The photographs and memorabilia awakened a host of memories, and questions arose, too.

Did the laughing young bride understand that she was setting aside her own dreams in order to make his come true? There, in the shot of her standing on the pier saddled with a twin on either hip, was there a glint of desperation lurking behind her smile? In the Christmas portrait, taken in Guam when the kids were little, had she been too busy running the family to recognize the occasional pangs for what they were? And what about Steve? Did he give a thought to the life he’d chosen?

As they talked to Josh about the past, Grace felt the weight of her own history with Steve. Her feelings for her husband were deeper and more complex than she’d ever dreamed they could be. Duty and deception had taken their toll, but casualties couldn’t be assessed until he returned.

The pictures reminded her of something else. Despite the upheaval, the agony of long absences and the constant juggling act of adjustment, she wouldn’t trade the past twenty years for anything. She had done things, gone places, experienced cultures that made her see herself with new eyes. She’d encountered artwork, food, festivals and political unrest that Mrs. Joe Average couldn’t begin to fathom. Every tea, every ceremony, every meeting with a dignitary, had become a part of her. Yet the irony was that the very thing she wanted to escape or change was the thing that had made her the woman she was.

“What a fabulous life,” Lauren concluded as Katie finished with the final album, which took them up through last summer’s Change of Command.

“I’m glad to hear you say that.” Josh patted Lauren’s arm, another gesture that was oddly reminiscent of Steve. Clueless but
affectionate. Lauren managed to smile with delight and look terrified all at once.

“I have to go practice my clarinet,” Katie said, pushing back her chair.

“Can I listen?” asked Josh with what appeared to be utter sincerity.

Katie blushed. “I guess. I’m not very good yet.”

“She’s incredibly good,” Emma said loyally. She and Katie led the way to the den, leaving Grace and Lauren alone to finish the dishes.

A few minutes later, the strains of a Gershwin melody drifted through the house. The two women worked side by side, the rhythm of their movements curiously synchronized as Lauren rinsed and loaded while Grace wiped the counters and put away the leftovers.

“So what do you think about Navy life?” asked Grace, noticing Lauren’s pensive expression. “It’s a different world, isn’t it?”

Lauren looked uneasy. “My late husband was a civilian contractor for the Navy.”

“Late husband?” Grace was horrified. Lauren was far too young to be a widow.

“I used to be married. My husband died three years ago.”

“I didn’t know, Lauren. I’m terribly sorry.”

“Thank you. It’s…a sadness. But since I met Josh, it’s not like a black cloud hanging over my days anymore.”

“Then I’m glad you met him,” Grace said.

They continued working, their silence unexpectedly companionable. A rhapsodic riff floated from Katie’s clarinet.

“She
is
good,” Lauren said.

Grace nodded. “We’re very proud of our kids.” Such a habit, she thought, speaking in the collective “we” as though she knew what Steve was thinking. Of course, when it came to the kids, she did know.

“Josh grew up an only child,” Lauren said. “He said he always wished for brothers and sisters.” She caught Grace’s look and quickly added, “He isn’t looking to be part of this family, believe me. He’s devoted to his mother and to the memory of his father.”

“I realize that,” said Grace. “My kids are still getting used to the idea of him.” She liked Josh, too. But his presence was a constant reminder that her marriage had gone wrong.

She noticed Lauren upending the chicken pitcher into the rack. “That doesn’t go in the dishwasher,” she said. “It’s old, and probably irreplaceable.”

“No problem.” Lauren gently washed the pitcher under the nozzle. “Is it a family heirloom?”

Grace smiled at the irony of that. “No, but it has sentimental value. I bought it at a garage sale when we were first married.”

Lauren’s handling was almost reverent as she dried the pitcher with a tea towel. “You make this way of life look so easy.”

“Do I?”

“Completely.”

“I suppose it’s because there really isn’t an alternative. You learn to flourish on your own while your husband’s deployed, or you’re in for misery half your life.”

Lauren nodded. “I’ve been on my own for a while, and I wasn’t miserable. But…I wasn’t really living, either.” She stared out the window at the evening sky. “I wonder, if you didn’t have your kids, how much harder it would be to endure the months without your husband.”

“I never really thought about that. Why do you ask?”

“It’s something I’ve been wondering about lately.” Lauren bit her lip. “Can I be honest with you?”

“Of course.”

“Well, I was pretty shocked by Josh’s story of how his mother never told Steve she’d had his baby.”

You’re not the only one, thought Grace.

“But sometimes I think I can understand it. She was young and alone, and then Grant—Josh’s adoptive father—came along and took care of everything. I’m not saying she did the right thing, but that I can understand why she did the wrong thing. Anyway, I was just wondering if that makes me terrible. Or…unsuitable as a Navy wife.”

Grace smiled. “Has Josh asked you to marry him?”

“No.”

“Do you want him to?”

“I don’t know. I keep changing my mind every other minute. Sometimes I know for sure I could be like you and stay in it for the long haul. But other times, I imagine myself all alone and missing him, and it’s awful.”

“This life’s not for everybody,” Grace said. “It’s a mixed blessing. When he’s away at sea, the world is mine. I determine how the day is going to go. That’s the way it should be. But then he comes back and everything changes. Sometimes I lie awake, too, wondering about my own choices. As time goes on, I have to wonder which life suits me most.”

Lauren looked stunned. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Grace turned on the dishwasher. “Sometimes, not always. You have to decide for yourself if having two lives will work for you.”

Lauren looked directly at Grace. “I keep wondering if I could cope with this life, but I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?” asked Grace.

“Disappointment. And maybe…getting what I want.”

“Why is that scary?”

“Because it will hurt so much if I lose it.”

Lauren awakened in Josh’s arms and lay perfectly still, listening to the beat of his heart and the cadence of his breathing. It was easy to match her breathing with his, and somehow it relaxed her and made her feel even closer to him. Morning sunshine streamed through the parted curtains. On the deck outside, Ranger, the stray who’d stayed, prowled back and forth, home from his nightly wanderings.

Lauren studied the clothes heaped on the arm of a nearby chair, his flight jacket covering her yellow cotton sweater, his boots towering over her sling-back sandals. His squadron cap hung on one of the posters of her bed. He was moving into her life in every sense of the word, and she wasn’t lifting a finger to stop him.

After being in the deep freeze of grief since Gil died, she had thawed out and learned to laugh again, learned to grasp life in both hands and pull herself into feelings she’d abandoned long ago—joy, passion and deep contentment. She knew she was breaking every rule in her own book because of Josh, but she’d lived without passion long enough. The lack of deep feeling was carving out a hollow ache inside her. She wanted laughter and joy again. Josh made her want it.

It was no use resisting him. No use trying to tell him she might not be the person to give him what he wanted so badly—a wife at the home front, a houseful of kids.

“You’re thinking again,” said a sleepy voice, rumbling against her ear.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She folded her hands on his bare chest and gazed up at him.

“You were fast asleep, and then you woke up and started thinking again,” he said.

“If you’re so smart, what was I thinking about?”

He took hold of her shoulders and drew her up against him, nuzzling her neck. His morning beard created a delicious prick-ling sensation on her skin. “You were thinking about how we should just keep this casual.”

She winced; he was close to the truth. The disturbing fact she had discovered in his arms was that she was ready for more than passion. She was ready to love again, and falling in love scared her.

“What’s wrong with being casual?” she asked, sliding her hand down his torso. He had an incredible body, young and taut, responsive and exciting.

“Nothing’s wrong with it,” he said, lifting her up so that she straddled him, “except that it’s not where we are, not anymore. You know that, Lauren. You know.”

She caught her breath and held on tight. Her doubts and his dreams ceased to matter when they were together like this. The air between them literally crackled. He consumed her, and she willingly offered herself.

“I dreamed about this all night and woke up thinking about it,” she whispered, heating up to the boiling point. She could feel him rising toward a climax, and she bent down and whispered in his ear, “What do you have to say to that, Lieutenant?”

He hesitated, then gasped and rocked against her. Then he shuddered and whispered back: “Eject, eject, eject.”

“How romantic,” she said, but she was lost, as she was always
lost with him, and she fell down against his bare chest, wondering how she had survived this long without these feelings.

And wondering what would happen when he left.

It was strange, she couldn’t remember what she used to do with her time before Josh filled every moment. She could not recall how she spent the long, lonely hours. She embraced him with tenderness and gratitude for bringing her back to life, and in the aftermath of passion, she held him close and refused to let him leave the bed.

“Now, honey,” he said, stroking her hair, “I’m going to have to get up sooner or later.”

“I choose later.” She snuggled close, feeling as lazy and contented as Ranger the cat.

He stirred, and she reared up, pinning his wrists to the mattress. “I’m serious, Josh. Stay with me.”

“Yeah?” he said with a grin. “That’s the first time you’ve admitted you’re serious about me.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“Shh.” He freed one hand and touched his fingers to her lips. “Sure you did, honey. I’m not letting you change your mind now. I love you, Lauren. I seriously love you, and I want a future with you.”

His statement frightened her into motion. She drew back and tried to leave the bed, but he was quicker. “Don’t run away yet, Lauren. I’m not finished.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not. I was going to do this tonight, but I can’t wait any longer. In case you haven’t figured it out, Lauren Lynette Stanton, I’m popping the question here.”

“Josh, my God—”

“Just hear me out, okay?” He grew solemn. “Listen, I’m new at loving you, Lauren. I swear I’ll get better at it, but you need to give me the chance. This isn’t easy for me.”

Her throat filled with heat. She was going to cry, she just knew it. “All right,” she said. “I’m listening, but—”

“Good. Because I hardly slept all night, trying to figure out how to say this. I never thought I’d be so pulled in different di
rections. I love you, Lauren, and I want to spend every minute of my life with you.”

Even as the thrill of his declaration rolled over her, she sensed a “but” in the intake of his next breath. “Go on,” she forced herself to say. The heat in her throat prickled more insistently.

“At the same time,” he said, “I know I have to leave you.”

“When?” was all she could ask.

“At 0600 tomorrow. I’m flying out to the
Dominion.
”

She nodded. They’d been expecting this all along. It was what a Navy man did. Waited for orders, then went to sea.

Despite all her efforts, a tear escaped and tracked down her cheek. And deep inside her, rage flickered. She had allowed this to happen, knowing what was coming. He’d made her love him, and now he was going away. And he clearly expected her to be all right with this.

“I see.” She offered the most neutral reply she could think of. Then, before her head could plan what to say, her heart spoke. “Josh, I want to beg you not to go, but I would never do that. I would never ask you to abandon your lifelong dream.”

“Ah, Lauren.” He wrapped his arms around her in a bear hug, then pulled away to gaze into her eyes. “Will you marry me, Lauren?”

She dropped her forehead to his shoulder. “I can’t.”

His grip on her stiffened. “I know it’s a lot to ask you to wait for me, but I swear I’ll write to you every day, phone you whenever I can. And when I get back, I’ll make it worth the wait. I promise, honey.”

“I know you’d keep that promise. But you don’t have to. We wouldn’t be happy together, Josh.”

“We
are
happy together. Everything’s so good between us. It’ll only get better. Lauren, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I know I’m not your first husband, but I can—”

“Is that what you think?” she asked, incredulous. “That I’m comparing you to Gil?”

“The possibility crossed my mind.”

Her heart broke as she held his face between her hands and
kissed him softly on the lips. “I’ve never felt this way before, either,” she admitted. “Not for anyone. Not even Gil.”

“Really?”

“This is all new to me, Josh. New and crazy and wonderful. But I’m giving you a chance to cut your losses now.”

“Why the hell would I want to do that?”

“Because I’ll disappoint you. I can’t give you what you want.”

“You already are,” he said. “You already do. Every day.”

She took a deep breath. “Josh, I can’t get pregnant. If we got married, I wouldn’t be having your babies.”

The unguarded look of shock and disappointment on his face cut her straight to the core. He recovered with impressive speed, but in that flicker of time, she had seen his heart.

She said nothing more, but slipped from the bed, put on her robe and went to the kitchen to turn on the coffeemaker. She heard the toilet flush and then he joined her, wearing blue jeans and nothing else.

“I’m not withdrawing the proposal, if that’s what you think,” he said.

“You should, Josh. I mean it. From the first day we met, you said you wanted a big family, and I can’t give you that.”

“How can you be so sure? You and Gil were only married a few years. Maybe it was him. Have you…tried with anyone else?”

“Of course not.”

He took her by the hand and sat down at the table with her. “Tell me everything, Lauren. I deserve to know.”

She shut her eyes. “Yes. You do.” And somehow, it was so much easier than she’d feared it would be. She explained about the first year, when their inability to conceive was just a mild concern. Then came the second year, when the doctor gave her a wake-up call about her health and she finally did something about it. But still no baby. “We made an appointment with a fertility specialist, but Gil died before we ever met her.”

“He was the one who was infertile,” Josh said with utter certainty. “Not you.”

“I can’t promise you that.”

“Then let’s find out for sure.”

“You want to examine my teeth, too? Make sure I’m not lying about my age?”

He laughed at her. Laughed. How dare he?

“Aw, honey, you’ve got it all wrong. I don’t want you to go to some specialist to find out whether or not you can conceive. Let’s get married, get rid of the Trojans and find out the old-fashioned way.”

“And what if you find out I can’t have babies?”

“We’ll have babies.” His sturdy confidence rang through her. “So when do you want to do it?”

“Do what? Slow down, Josh.”

“I don’t have time to slow down. I have to go, Lauren. I don’t have a choice.”

“Exactly. So this is the wrong time to be talking about marriage.”

“It’s the only time I have.”

She took his hand. “Let’s make a deal.”

He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “I have a better idea. Let’s just get married.”

Her heart ached with the yearning to simply say yes. But she couldn’t do that. “While you’re at sea, I’ll go back to the specialist.”

“Damn it, Lauren, I’m proposing to you, not to your reproductive system.”

“There’s so much more to consider. I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a full-time wife to a part-time husband.”

“But
I
know. Trust me, Lauren. Better yet, trust yourself.”

This was what it was like to love a Navy man, she realized. This was the roller coaster. And she’d always preferred the merry-go-round.

Lauren felt shell-shocked the next morning when she told him goodbye in the rain. Even as she held him in her arms, pressed her cheek to his chest and whispered that she loved him, she experienced a peculiar numbness, as though she’d been hit by a truck.

“It’ll be all right, honey,” he promised her, inhaling deeply as he kissed her hair, her face, as if trying to draw her into him.

Didn’t he know? she wondered. She already belonged to him. She shut her eyes and tried to memorize the way he felt, the shape of him and the texture of his hair, the way he tasted. “You’d better come back to me,” she said fiercely. “Swear it, Josh.”

“I swear, honey. And you’ve got to swear we’ll get married—”

“Not that, Josh. One thing at a time.” Her heart felt as though something was crushing it. Here he was, the man of her dreams, when she didn’t even know she was dreaming of him, and he was going away. He wanted something from her she couldn’t give.

She believed him when he said he wanted her with or without babies. But he didn’t understand how sad that was, how much the yearning hurt. She’d seen him with children, and she knew he’d be a wonderful father. There was a particular sweetness in raising children, in going through all the joys and sorrows of life with them. She knew how it felt to watch other people’s children, wanting your own. It hurt to the core. She wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

“Just remember I love you,” she said. “Be safe.” She couldn’t believe how easy it was to say. Maybe that was what a Navy wife did. Gave her love and wished him well.

“Always. Take care, Lauren. Remember how much I love you.”

She cried, of course. She knew she would. But she wasn’t prepared for his tears. When his grin faded and his eyes filled, she kissed him hard. Her heart fell down in pieces.

Then he was gone in a hiss of tires on wet pavement. For a few minutes she couldn’t move. She looked around her garden and saw that the wisteria was budding, the forsythia hedge was in bloom and grape hyacinth lined the rain-spattered walkway.