The Ocean Between Us (26 page)

Lauren’s favorite group of clients attended the four-thirty aerobics class. This particular bunch actually seemed to enjoy the workout rather than treating it as if it were a root canal. They came to the fitness studio and stuck with it. These were the women Lauren most admired, the sort she aspired to be one day—a healthy woman who accepted herself, flaws and all.

With U2 on the stereo, she added ninety more seconds to the usual cardio set. They seemed fine with the slight increases she added each week. In the mirror she glanced at Emma Bennett. The resemblance between the tall young girl and Josh was uncanny, she thought. Emma was a blond, female version of her half brother. They had the same intense eyes, the same thousand-watt smile bright enough to light up a room.

Emma didn’t really smile much lately, but Lauren didn’t know her well enough to ask her why. She touched the remote and slowed the beat for the next segment of the routine. “How are you doing, Patricia?” she asked after class ended. “You’re taking it easy, right?”

“Absolutely.” She touched her belly. “I feel fantastic. My mother and two of my sisters have already come to stay with me.”

“Any word on the baby’s sex?”

“It’s never turned the right direction. Camera shy, I guess.”

As much as Lauren liked Patricia, it was hard to look at her. Patricia was blooming with the classic glow of pregnancy. Lauren battled the sick envy she felt, but it was no use. She wanted a baby of her own so badly that sometimes her arms ached with emptiness. Even just the smell of an infant or the sound of its cooing could tie her in knots.

Falling in love with Josh only deepened her terrible yearning. Love seemed to do that to her. Wanting a baby with him was as inevitable as breathing.

She kept trying to find ways to tell him her fears, but it seemed premature to make such a confession. Presumptuous, even. The minute you started talking about babies, the relationship leaped to a new level, perhaps landing in a place she didn’t want to go.

It was best to avoid a topic that could so easily tear them apart. Besides, the discussion would bring up questions to which she had no answers. The fact was, she didn’t know why she hadn’t conceived with Gil. After he died, there seemed to be no point in pursuing fertility tests.

She straightened up the studio and Windexed the mirrors as people gathered their things to leave. Grace and Emma were in the reception area, where Grace was writing a check for their next month’s worth of classes.

“How have you been, Lauren?” asked Grace.

“Fine. Just super.” Her cheerful reply sounded forced even to her own ears. “How about yourself?”

“Busy,” said Grace. “I have only three clients at the moment, but they add up to a full-time job.”

Emma handed Lauren her attendance sheet, and Lauren signed her name next to the date and time so Emma could qualify for school credit. “You’re doing a great job, Emma,” she said. “If I was grading you, that would be an A-plus.”

“Thanks.” Emma went to the locker area to change her shoes.

“Sorry about her,” Grace murmured. “She’s been a little on edge. I don’t know why.”

Lauren gave her a reassuring smile. “At eighteen, she doesn’t need a reason.”

“It might be the stress of waiting to hear from colleges.”

“Where does she want to go?”

“That’s the funny thing. I’m not sure, and I don’t think she is, either. She doesn’t want any help from me except to fill out those dreadful FAFSA forms. She sent in applications to the University of Washington, Western and Gonzaga, that I know of.”

Lauren was intrigued by Emma Bennett, and not just because she was Josh’s half sister. The girl who attended fitness class four times a week didn’t seem like the same person Lauren had briefly glimpsed at the Captain’s Quarters restaurant. That laughing, golden-haired girl had transformed herself into an intense young woman whose thoughts hid behind watchful eyes.

When Lauren was Emma’s age, she’d tried on new identities, too. But no matter how she changed her hair and her clothes, she was still the Fat Girl. You can’t escape who you are, she wanted to tell Emma. But at eighteen, Emma would never believe that. Perhaps girls that age had to believe they could become anything they wanted to be, leaving the past behind like childhood keep-sakes forgotten in the bottom of a cedar chest. Emma didn’t know yet that even though you could walk away from those things, they were still a part of you, the blood and bone of who you would become.

Lauren was certainly proof of that. The traumas of high school and college made her cautious. Timid, even. Being the Fat Girl had taught her to keep her expectations low. Losing her husband at such a young age had taught her to guard her heart.

She simply had not been prepared for Josh to burst into her life and sweep her off her feet. But that was exactly what he had done. Before Josh, she had never felt such exquisite agony, not even with Gil. Her first marriage had been based on quiet affection, mutual respect and similar life goals. In no way had it prepared Lauren
for the frightening intensity of true passion or the wrenching agony of knowing their lives could not mesh without one of them sacrificing a dream.

“You all right, Lauren?” asked Grace.

“Of course,” Lauren said, mystified by her question. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, for starters, you taught the whole routine with your T-shirt on inside out,” Grace said with a grin.

Lauren glanced in the mirror behind the desk. Grace was right. And she was probably too polite to mention the coffee-stained spandex shorts Lauren had retrieved from the laundry basket on her way out the door this afternoon.

Lauren shook her head. “I guess I’m a little distracted lately. I have a lot on my mind.”

“Care to talk about it?” Grace asked.

She was like that, Lauren thought. Grace was special. She had a way about her that drew people, made them open up to her. “Actually, there is this guy…”

“Ah,” said Grace. “Is it serious?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’ve been stressed out.” Josh had gone to Fallon, Nevada, for training and would return today. Lauren was shocked by how much she missed him. Even a short absence was torture. How would she ever be able to cope with deployment?

Grace glanced in the mirror, too, and made a face. “I’m really not one to talk about clothes,” she said, plucking at her pumpkin-colored T-shirt. “I should do something with my hair, like Emma did.”

Emma returned then, jammed a baseball cap on her head and zipped her gym bag. “It wasn’t all that hard, Mom.”

“I know a great salon over in Seattle,” Lauren said. She opened a drawer and took out a card. “Here’s her number.”

“Ivanka at the Gene Juarez salon,” Grace read.

“Her specialty is the total makeover,” said Lauren. “Not that you need it,” she added hastily.

“Oh, I definitely need it,” said Grace.

Lauren hesitated, then dug deeper in the drawer and handed Grace a photograph. “No, I was the one who needed it.”

“Who’s this?” Grace showed the image to Emma, who shrugged.

“That, my friends, is yours truly five years ago.”

Both Grace and Emma did a double take. Watching their faces, Lauren burst out laughing.

“Wow,” said Emma.

“I’m stunned,” said Grace. “Is this Ivanka a surgeon?”

“No, but I call her a magician. She’s terrific. After I lost the weight, she gave me the short red hair and some intensive makeup lessons and I became her fan for life.”

“Lauren, I’m so impressed. I had no idea.” Grace handed back the photo, but she kept Ivanka’s business card.

“I don’t emphasize my weight loss in the studio,” Lauren explained. “My clients come here to get strong and healthy, not to get thin.”

“Darn. And here I thought I was going to get thin.”

“You might. I bet you’re at least a size or two smaller. But some women are big and always will be, and I don’t ever want them to have a problem with that. I want them to be healthy and to feel good about themselves.” She put the picture back in the drawer. “I was not that type of girl. I was big for all the wrong reasons, and my size was endangering my health.”

“I think you look fantastic,” said Emma. “You totally changed yourself.” She shifted her bag from one shoulder to the other.

“We’d better be going,” said Grace. She took a windbreaker from a hook.

Watching her, Lauren hoped Grace actually would go see Ivanka. She was an attractive woman who didn’t pay enough attention to herself.

She turned the Closed sign face out on the studio door. A movement outside caught her eye. Her heart began to pound. Josh was outside, heading straight for the studio.

Lauren looked around wildly. It was too late to zip down the blinds, too late to hide. Too late to turn her shirt right side out. She was trapped.

And so were Grace and Emma, who suspected nothing.

When Lauren made a funny sound, halfway between a cough and a gasp, Grace quit rummaging in her purse for the car keys. Lauren’s face was red, as though she was having trouble breathing.

Then Grace saw the visitor outside the door, and she came down with the same malady. She froze, her silver anchor key chain clutched in her hand.

It was Joshua Lamont, square-shouldered and perfectly groomed, looking so much like Steve that Grace got chills. The minute he stepped inside, everyone seemed to stop breathing. Josh looked from Lauren to Emma to Grace, and then back to Lauren.

To his credit, he didn’t actually say, “Oh, shit,” but she could tell it definitely crossed his mind.

“Josh,” Lauren said in a breathless rush. “What a surprise. I didn’t expect to see you until tonight.”

“I was in the neighborhood and couldn’t wait to see you.” He grinned, sheepish but unapologetic. Just like Steve. Then he bent and kissed Lauren’s cheek.

“So I guess you’ve met.” Lauren’s cheeks were burning as she awkwardly stepped back. Her gaze darted from Josh to Grace to Emma.

Grace glanced at Emma, who was watching in rapt fascination.

He nodded politely to Grace. “Nice to see you, ma’am,” he said. Then he turned. “Hello, Emma,” he added.

“Hey.” Emma spoke a neutral but familiar greeting.

Grace felt a stab of pure shock. Josh and Emma knew each other? When the hell had that happened?

“Well,” she said before the awkwardness sent her fleeing to the car. “I guess this is a day for surprises.” Grace despised secrets. She wanted to wring Emma’s neck for not letting on she knew Josh.

“Have you met my other children, too?” Grace asked, trying not to show her outrage.

“No, ma’am,” he said.

“You should come to dinner,” Emma said suddenly. “At our house.”

They all turned to stare at her. She faced them with a calm politeness that made Grace proud. “My mom’s a fantastic cook. Would that be all right, Mom?”

Grace knew what Emma was doing. She wanted to bring Joshua to their turf. Grace couldn’t bring herself to object. Emma was so quiet lately. This was the first overture she’d made in weeks. Maybe she saw a father figure in Josh. “I…yes. You’d both be welcome.” She couldn’t believe she was saying the words without gagging.

Joshua cleared his throat. “We’d be imposing—”

“No,” Grace forced herself to say. “We should definitely get together.” She felt Emma relax beside her.

“We’d love to,” Lauren declared. “Well, I’d love to, anyway.”

“Good,” said Grace. “I’ll make my famous lasagna.”

As they firmed up their arrangements, Grace struggled to hold her poise. Inside, she was dying. Here she was in her ancient Texas Longhorns T-shirt, her hair plastered to her head by sweat, her face gleaming as though she’d applied a layer of Crisco. She felt like Delilah, offering lasagna to Steve’s firstborn son.

She held her smile pasted in place by sheer force of will, and made her exit with Emma in tow. She held her silence until they reached the car, climbed in and shut the door. Then she turned
to Emma. “So how long have you known that man without telling me?”

Emma stared straight ahead as Grace drove home. “I don’t know. I met him in the fall, I guess. He, um, he’s working with some of the seniors applying to the Naval Academy.”

The information sank in. “Now I get it. So that’s why Brian wouldn’t even touch his Naval Academy application.”

“That’s part of the reason. But you know he has never wanted to go there.”

“In the meantime, you’re on a first-name basis with Joshua Lamont.”

“So what?” Emma snapped. “It’s totally weird, okay? We have the same father. I was just a little curious about that. I didn’t say anything to you because I didn’t want to upset you. And look at you. You’re upset. That’s exactly what I was trying to avoid.”

Steve was a very lucky man to be half a world away at this particular moment. If he were here now, Grace would have to kill him. “What possessed you to invite them over?” she asked.

“I don’t know. It’s going to be all awkward no matter what. So I thought, why not get it over with?”

Grace blew out a sigh. “All right,” she said, “I’m not mad. I’m not even upset. Just surprised. And you’re absolutely correct about this being an awkward situation. So we’ll get all the questions out of the way and move on.”

“Good plan,” Emma said quietly.

They drove in silence for a while. Springtime was bursting over Whidbey. Nodding daffodils lined the roadways and apple trees in white blossoms decked every yard. Grace tried to concentrate on the glorious scenery, but finally she had to ask. “So, what’s he like?”

“Lieutenant—I mean, Josh? I don’t really know him that well. But he’s okay. I mean, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to mess up our family or anything. He looks just like Dad, doesn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“Do you ever wonder about, you know…her?”

“Josh’s mother, you mean.”
Steve’s first love. The first woman he’d married.
“Well, of course I wonder about her.”

“And?”

Grace kept her eyes on the road. “I really don’t have much to say about her. She was young and she made a terrible mistake.”

“Just like Dad.”

“Yes. Like Dad.”

“So you can forgive her but not him?”

“It’s not up to me to forgive her. I don’t know her, and I’m sure she doesn’t care about my opinion.”

“Are you ever going to forgive him?”

“Emma, you’ve got it wrong. Forgiveness is not the issue between your dad and me. We’re…struggling with some decisions about the future.”

“Maybe it wouldn’t be such a struggle if you’d talk to him for more than five minutes on the phone.”

“Let it go, Emma. You just invited his son to dinner.” Grace shuddered.

“Should I uninvite him?”

“That would be even worse.”

Emma rode in silence for a while. Then she asked, “Do you think it’s always unethical, keeping things hidden?”

“Sweetie, I can’t make a blanket statement about that. Why do you ask?”

There was a long hesitation. A flock of Canada geese flew overhead and landed in a hayfield beside the road. Emma turned her face to the window.

“Just wondering,” she said.