The Ocean Between Us (34 page)

He grinned at her. He wanted to swoop her up in his arms, but the sling got in the way. Besides, there was the driver, holding open the door of the black sedan, waiting to take them to the airfield.

On her way to meet Josh in the hospital lobby, Lauren stopped in the ladies’ room to wash away the effects of crying. Visiting Patricia and her baby had been both joyous and devastating. She ached for Patricia and the life she faced without Michael. But seeing the baby had reminded Lauren in the most concrete way that she would never give birth.

Her fertility counselor had advised her to take it easy on herself, but she was still wallowing. She was barren. An incomplete woman. A maiden aunt. And she had no idea how she was going to break the news to Josh.

She still felt tender, on the verge of tears, as she met him in the glassed-in foyer. “Where’s your mother?”

“She went home.” Josh sent her a penetrating look. “I told her I needed to be alone with you. I’m getting tired of waiting to see you.”

Her heart filled up with warmth, and she willed herself not to cry again. This was it, she thought, the part Grace had told her about. You didn’t break down and cry when duty called.

They walked hand in hand to his van. “So how are you and Mother getting along?” he asked.

“Fine,” she said, too quickly. But the single word was inade
quate to encompass the charged relationship between her and Cissy. Lauren had vowed to make a good impression. “I wasn’t even nervous about meeting her,” she added.

“I’m glad.” He pulled away from the parking lot. “You bit off all your fingernails,” he said.

“You rat. You’re not supposed to notice.” Lauren rolled down the window and let the air rush over her face. “
Nervous
doesn’t begin to describe the way I felt about meeting her,” she admitted. “I was terrified. This matters so much, Josh. It means everything.” She swallowed hard. “Because you mean everything.”

“Oh, honey. You don’t have a thing to worry about. She already loves you. I can tell.”

She settled back as they drove onto the base, stopping at the entrance checkpoint. But instead of heading toward his quarters, he went straight, pulling off beside a Prowler parked on a swath of grass.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

He went around and opened the door for her. It took only a moment to recognize what this was. “Oh, my God.” She approached the memorial plaques with reverence and dread. Name after name had been engraved in the seemingly endless row of granite plaques surrounding the jet.

“I’m bringing you here because I don’t want to lie to you. What your friend Patricia’s going through, it happens. It’s a rare occurrence. There are only fifty names here, because this doesn’t usually happen. We try everything in the world to prevent mishaps, but it’s a fact of life in the Navy.”

She eyed the polished plaques glinting in the sun, each representing a life given to a cause she was only beginning to understand. She took a long, deep breath. “I get the point,” she said.

“And?”

“And…I’m not afraid of this, Josh. Living scared never did a thing for me.”

“I love that you said that. This is a sacred place to me, Lauren. I’m not afraid of it, either.” Beads of sweat stood out on his upper lip as he sank to one knee.

At first, she thought he was having a fainting spell or something. Then he reached into his pocket. “I kept this next to my heart every time I went flying. Now I want to give it to you, with my promise to love you until the end of time.” He paused, and a glint of mischief appeared in his eyes. “How’m I doing? Better than last time?” As he spoke, he slipped the ring on her finger and kissed her hand. Then he stood up. “Well?”

“I love you, too,” she said in broken whisper. “But—”

“I take it that’s a yes?”

“Josh. It’s not that simple.” She felt a special kind of pain. It was bittersweet, knowing she’d have to disappoint him. “I want so badly to say yes to you.”

“Then say yes. Say it. Y-E—”

“Hear me out.” She laced her fingers with his and gazed up at him. “When you left, I went out of my mind. I felt lost and abandoned. Grace says it’s normal for a Navy wife to feel that way, that you get used to the feelings and learn to cope, if I had to ask myself if I could learn to cope, if I could stand to go through what we’ve just been through—getting a report of a mishap, waiting for news. I’m telling you, Josh, you’re asking a lot.”

“I know I am. But I have so much to give you, Lauren. I’ll make it be enough.”

“That’s true. That’s why, in my heart, I know I could be a Navy wife. I’d be good at it, Josh. I’d learn to love this lifestyle as much as you do.”

“Thank God—”

“I’m not finished.”

“Jeez, Lauren, you are one tough woman to propose to.”

“Because I want us to be clear on what we’re getting into. I’ve been busy while you were gone, Josh. I’ve had so many fertility tests I feel like a lab rat.”

“Damn it, I told you, that doesn’t matter to me.”

“You might not think so now, but it’s huge. You’ve always wanted a big family. You’re the only pilot in the history of the Navy to drive a minivan.” She tried to stay calm, but her voice
kept trembling. “I can’t give you that. In time, the fact that I can’t have babies is going to drive a wedge between us. If you marry me, you’re not going to get what you’ve always wanted. I can’t ask you to give up your dreams.”

“That’s exactly what I’d be doing if I let you go. I knew it was true when I was floating through the night sky under a parachute. There’s nothing like an ejection to clear your head. I know exactly what I want from this relationship.”

“You want a family, too. You said so the first day we met.”

“Sure, I want kids. But we don’t have to make babies in order to have babies. We’ll adopt. You’ll give your whole heart to a child you didn’t give birth to. Big deal, it’s easy. Grant Lamont could not have loved me more if he’d been my biological father. Honey, you and I will be great parents.”

She shut her eyes and saw a clear picture of them together. Children were a part of that picture. “I know,” she said.

He hugged her close and lowered his voice. “Sweetheart, love and loss are a part of life. You and I both know that. Chances can slip away while you’re looking for guarantees. It doesn’t work in flying, and it doesn’t work in life. You’re my chance, Lauren. You’re my best chance. And I’m yours.”

The monument behind him was a watercolor smear, blurred by tears. “You are,” she said.

“Now did I get you to yes?”

She threw back her head and laughed through her tears. “Oh, Josh, I can’t wait.”

“We really need to talk about your college plans.” Mom set a stack of five plates on the table.

Emma concentrated on distributing the plates, centering each one with military precision. Dad had just arrived home from Washington, and Mom had fixed his favorite meal—roast beef, garlic mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. That was a good sign, at least.

“I don’t want to rush it,” Emma said.

“You don’t want to miss your shot, either,” Mom pointed out. “You’ve been accepted to UW and Western. I just don’t know what you’re waiting for.”

Emma knew, but she wasn’t saying. Everyone would find out soon enough. Her silence was a protective cocoon. She had learned that if you told your dreams to people, you were putting them out there to get shot down. Annapolis was her dream, and she didn’t want to put it in jeopardy or jinx herself by announcing her intentions. Brian, who knew what she was up to, was amazingly keeping his mouth shut about it.

“I’m still working on my decision,” she told her mother. “I’ll let you know when my plans are set.”

“Fine, I won’t push. But I doubt your father will be terribly patient about this, Em.”

She grasped at the chance to change the subject. “He was great when Brian told him he’s going to art school.”

“Yes,” Mom agreed. “He was great, wasn’t he?”

“So what’s up with you and Dad?” She folded each paper napkin carefully, running her thumbnail along the edge.

Mom looked flustered. She probably didn’t even know that her hand touched her heart. “We’ve barely had five minutes to sit down together,” she said. “It’s hard, being married to a hero. When things settle down, we’ll work out what comes next.”

That used to be a no-brainer. What came next was Dad’s next assignment. “He’s going to be the CAG.”

“That’s right. But we have to look beyond the next eighteen months. You only get one shot at your life, Em. After what happened to your dad, that’s never been more apparent.”

“So when his next assignment takes him to the Pentagon…?”

“I’m sure that will come under discussion.”

“You sound like a PAO,” Emma said. “You’re not telling me a darned thing.”

“But I’m doing it so well.” Mom put the last fork in place. “Come on. Let’s get dinner on.”

Emma noticed that her dad wasn’t his usual teasing self. He’d been to Washington, he’d met the president, but he hadn’t really settled in at home. He was superpolite, and he kept watching Mom like she was a pot about to boil over.

Mom looked really good, Emma thought. She’d totally changed herself. But that wasn’t why everything felt different. It was much more than that. They were in a house their mom had bought, their dad had survived a mishap, and they were still trying to figure out if they could survive each other.

“Katie, supper,” Mom called out.

“Coming,” Katie replied, clomping down the stairs.

Emma was shocked when she saw Katie. “What the hell are you wearing?” she demanded.

“You said ‘hell.’ Mom, she said ‘hell.’” When Katie realized no one cared, she grew defensive. “I found the dress all wadded up in the bottom of your closet, so I had it dry-cleaned,” she said. “I didn’t think you’d care.”

The sight of the blue-velvet dress from Homecoming night made Emma want to puke. “You don’t want to wear that.”

“Sure I do.” She twirled into the dining room. “It fits just right. There’s a dance tonight, and I have a date.”

“Jimmy Bates?” asked Mom.

“Him? He’s
so
yesterday.”

“Then who are you going with?” Mom asked.

Katie sat up very straight in her chair. She looked so pretty, Emma realized with a pang. So happy. Stay that way, Katie, she thought. Never change.

“Well?” Dad prompted her.

“Cory Crowther asked me,” Katie announced, her voice soft with wonder.

Emma’s blood chilled. “Oh, no, you’re not.”

“He asked me, and I said yes. I promise I’ll stick to the rules. Eleven o’clock curfew.”

“He’s three years older than you,” Dad pointed out.

“I can do the math.”

“You’re not going out with him.” Emma breathed through her nose, but nausea kept bubbling up in her.

“You said you were totally over him months ago, so you shouldn’t care if I go out with him.”

“I care a lot. I won’t let you go near him, Katie. I swear, I won’t.”

“You’re just ticked because the dress looks good on me.”

“It’s not the dress. Don’t let her go out with him. Dad, tell her.” She wished her dad would remember how pissed he was about Cory last summer. She wished she’d understood back then what kind of person Cory was. She wished she’d walked away from him that long-ago night.

Dad spread his hands, palms up. “If it was up to me, I wouldn’t let anyone date either of you, ever.”

“What about me?” Katie demanded. “I made straight A’s in school this year. I deserve a chance to make my own friends. I’ll never see Cory after graduation. It’s just for fun.”

“You’re not doing it.” Emma’s blood was boiling now. She should have spoken up, should have denounced Cory. The price of her silence would be paid by other girls, innocent girls, like Katie. Because Emma had refused to take responsibility for what had happened to her, Cory was free to attack the next victim. For all Emma knew, he already had.

“I swear, you are such a spaz,” Katie said, exasperated. “I just don’t see what the big deal is.”

“The big deal is he raped me,” Emma blurted out.

Stunned silence greeted the comment. She had never meant to say anything, to bring her family down this path, but now she understood that even though the rape had happened to her, it affected everyone she loved. She looked from Katie’s stricken face to her mother’s, her father’s, Brian’s. Emma burst into tears.

“Baby, oh, my poor sweet baby.” Her mother’s arms went around her, cradling her as though she were a small child.

That made Emma cry all the harder. “Oh, Mommy, I wanted to tell you so bad,” she sobbed. “It was horrible, but I was afraid to say anything.”

“You have to, Em,” Mom whispered. “Please, we need to know. Are you injured? Do you need to see a doctor?”

A strange and remarkable calm settled over Emma. “No. It wasn’t like that. It was…awful, but not violent. Not in the way you’re thinking.” She drew a deep breath. And finally, in a flood of confession, she told about the events of that night. She spoke up right in front of Katie, because Katie needed to hear this. She told them about the attack, about her confusion and pain and shame, Cory’s insistence that he hadn’t forced her, his threats about the consequences of telling, the vow of silence she took, the terror she had carried around inside her ever since.

“That’s why you cut your hair off, isn’t it?” Katie asked in a frightened voice.

“Yeah, I guess.” She wiped her face with a napkin.

“And why you switched out of PE and started dressing all weird.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Emma admitted. “I shouldn’t have let him affect me at all, but I did, and that was stupid. I’m finished, though. I’m not going to be scared anymore.” Emma could feel her old self glimmering in the shadows. It was amazing. She was finally coming back.

Brian shot up from the table and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?” Dad demanded.

“You know.”

“Wait. This is about me. I’m the one who’s going,” Emma said, giving her mom a last squeeze and then disengaging herself. She couldn’t believe how simple this was, what a relief it was to finally cry out her pain and heartbreak to her family. She felt cleansed inside and out, clean and strong and powerful.

Her mom took her hand. “Brian, you’re staying here with Katie. Your father and I will go with Emma.”

Steve burned. They said the flares he’d jettisoned burned at 1600 degrees, but this felt hotter, and it went all the way to the bone. He stayed quiet, though. He was trying not to lose it in front of Emma. Oh, God.
Emma
.

They talked to her in the car. Grace drove, because his arm was still giving him trouble.

“Baby, I have to know. Why didn’t you tell us?” Grace asked. Steve could hear the ache in her voice.

“I was confused. Cory didn’t think he did anything wrong. We were, you know, kind of kissing and getting close…” Her chin trembled, but she didn’t start to cry again. “He told me I’d be nuts to make a big issue of it. And since his father’s your CO, I knew it would cause you trouble, Dad.”

He crushed his teeth together to hold in the anger and sadness at the sacrifice she’d made. And he knew that her decision to keep
silent was partly his fault. Over the years, she’d seen him suck it up, hold things in to avoid making waves, all for the sake of the job.

“Ah, Emma,” he said, reaching back to cradle her cheek in his good hand, “the Navy’s my job. But you, oh, honey, you’re my heart.”

She offered a tiny smile like a benediction. “I get it, Dad.”

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Grace asked. “We can hand the matter over to Sheriff Hawley, you know.”

“Not unless he turns down Dad’s plan.”

Steve wanted the little bastard in R.E.S.P.E.C.T., a voluntary rehabilitation program designed for violators in the military. Over the years, Steve had sent a few of his men to the facility in Montana.

The Crowthers’ home had a view of the water and fussed-over gardens. After he rang the doorbell, Steve glanced at Grace and Emma, and was struck hard by the resemblance he saw in their determined faces. “I love you,” he said.

“I know,” said Emma.

When Allison Crowther opened the door, her face lit with a perfect hostess’s smile. “Steve and Grace,” she said. “What a surprise. Please, come in.” Then she hesitated, and her eyes widened. “Hello, Emma.”

Steve felt a little sorry for her. Mason Crowther was still on the carrier, and his wife would have to deal with this alone. “Allison. We need to speak to your son. Is he here?”

“Of course. Make yourself at home.” She went out to the back deck and called out. Then Cory appeared, a pair of pruning shears in one hand.

The boy spotted Emma and froze.

In that moment Steve knew that Emma was wrong about one thing—Cory knew damned well he’d done something wrong. Guilt was written all over his face.

“Allison, I’m afraid we’ve got a problem here,” Steve said.

“Actually,” Grace added, “Cory has some bad news for you.”

“He’s got something to tell you about the night of Homecoming last winter.”

“Aw, come on,” Cory said. He turned to his mother. “She’s still all mad because I broke up with her.”

Emma’s eyes turned fierce. “You raped me that night, Cory. You can tell your mother all the chickenshit stories you want, but that’s what happened.”

Allison swayed and held on to the door frame.

“It’s all bull, Mom,” Cory said. “I can’t believe these people are here, telling you this shit while Dad’s on deployment.” He glared at Steve. “We were on a date,
sir.
She wanted to be with me. I don’t have to force girls. I never have.”

“You crossed the line, Crowther,” Steve said. “You need help, and if you refuse that, we’re handing the matter over to the sheriff.”

Cory’s eyes narrowed with hate. “You might not like it, but it’s no crime to pork your slutty daughter.”

Steve balled his uninjured hand into a fist. After the mishap, he had thought the fight had gone out of him, that he’d become a peaceful and gentle man. Now he knew there were some things he would never stop fighting for, even if it meant decking the CAG’s son.

But Grace stepped in front of him, probably aware of the damage Steve was capable of in his present mood. Her arm flashed out like a lightning bolt, her hand cracking against the kid’s cheek. The blow was so loud that they all flinched. The gardening shears clattered to the floor. Shocked silence froze everybody in place for a moment.

“Jesus.” Cory stepped back, clutching his cheek.

Grace stared him down like a queen. And Emma regarded her mother as though she’d grown a foot taller.

“My husband will not be provoked,” Grace announced.

Even in his fury, Steve felt a wave of admiration for her. Although the most apparent changes she’d made were outward, the most dramatic were within. The new Grace was cold and formidable as she turned to Allison. “Steve has a plan for Cory’s rehabilitation,” she said. “If you agree to it, he’ll be able to take responsibility for what he did, and this can stay…between our families.”

Allison wept, but her resolve didn’t waver as she looked at Emma. “I never liked you. I never wanted you to date my son.”

Emma glared back, every bit her mother’s daughter. “Mrs. Crowther, this is not about your opinion of me. It’s about something Cory did that was wrong, that was a perverted, criminal act. I was wrong, too. I never should have stayed quiet about it—”

“Did I hurt you?” Cory demanded. “Did I hit you? No. You were all over me. Everybody saw us—”

“Not when you stalked me to the women’s locker room. I told you to stop. I
begged
you to stop. The only reason I kept quiet was that you said your dad would ruin my dad’s career.”

“And he will, you can count on it. He has before—” He snapped his mouth shut.

Allison gasped and pressed the back of her hand to her mouth.

Grace looked as though she wanted to hit her, too. “You knew. That day you asked me about Emma, you
knew.
”

Allison shook her head. “I swear, I didn’t realize…I mean, I suspected something happened that night but—”

“That’s nuts, Mom.” Cory crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not agreeing to a damn—”

“Be quiet, Cory,” Allison said in a sharp tone. She stood up straight and drilled him with a glare. Steve saw the steel backbone every Navy wife seemed to possess, and he expected a she-wolf defense of her cub. But her next words shocked him. “This is not the first time a girl’s parents have come to me,” she said. “I want to hear about this plan.”