The Ocean Between Us (35 page)

Grace was the first one up, as usual. She made coffee and took her mug into the study to finish the kids’ graduation gifts. Her e-mail box looked like Grand Central Station, but e-mail would wait. Everything would wait until Emma got better.

The pain and guilt of learning what her precious daughter had endured haunted Grace, and she knew Steve was tortured by guilt. They talked about it in broken whispers in the dark: Why hadn’t she come to them? Had they somehow led her to believe it was better to keep silent about a rape?

There were no answers, of course.

Emma had agreed to intensive counseling, but Grace saw her healing begin the moment she confessed her secret. Walking away from the Crowthers’, she seemed a little more like her old self. Yet she was a new person, too, possessed of a strength and depth that could only come from suffering and then surviving. Perhaps she’d finally decide on what she wanted to do with her life. Grace suspected her indecision had been related to the rape.

Now, at last, things would have a chance to settle down.

Or maybe not. There were two baskets of correspondence in the study, one for her and one for Steve.

She picked up the name bar the kids had given her for Mother’s Day. They’d had it engraved Grace M. Bennett, CEO, and it was one of her most treasured possessions. She’d explained to Steve that she had created a corporation. She was so proud of it, but he didn’t share her excitement. He seemed distracted by it all.

A staff psychologist had set up pre- and post-homecoming meetings, and those sessions would continue, with the family and separately, to help them process what had happened to Steve. He was at risk for the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, which could affect the whole family. Distraction and detachment were part of that syndrome.

Grace shuddered, realizing she would never know everything about the trauma he had survived, just as she would never know all the details of Emma’s ordeal. Grace was trying to make peace with the fact that it was not her job to absorb every single bump and bruise for her loved ones. Surviving something terrible was a personal journey, and doing the work on one’s own was the surest path to healing.

She stared at the painfully familiar thick envelope on Steve’s stack of paper. It had arrived yesterday. She’d seen that envelope many times over the years.
Honey, we’ve got orders.

She parked her coffee mug on top of the envelope. Then she turned her attention to the kids’ graduation gifts. She’d created a photo collage for each of them. The pictures were in chronological order, beginning with a shot of two perfect newborns, one swaddled in pink, the other in blue. Right from the start they’d asserted their own personalities. Gregarious Brian saw all of life as an adventure. There were photos of him white-water rafting and stealing home, building snow forts in Alaska and sand castles in Hawaii. Emma was their social butterfly, presiding over tea parties and birthdays, dances and Christmas pageants.

Standing on tiptoe, she put a couple of photo albums on a high shelf. A book fell to the floor, bringing with it a small florist’s card, the one that had come with Ross Cameron’s flowers. She looked at it for a moment, shut her eyes and let something soft
and unformed fade away. Then she dropped the card into the trash can and got busy again.

As she gathered up the photos she’d sorted through, she was struck by those images, and all of a sudden she was crying. What happened to her little girl, her Emma who used to love so open-heartedly? Now she was a grown woman, struggling to heal from an unspeakable assault. Where was that laughing, blue-eyed boy who used to curl up in her lap at the end of the day? Brian was a man now, with plans of his own.

Did I appreciate my years with them enough? Grace wondered. Did I really see these children?

She used the hem of her nightshirt to dry her cheeks. The photo boxes weighed a ton. Judging by the number of pictures she’d taken, and the even greater number of memories in her heart, she knew the answer was yes.

Grace and Steve sat together in the bleachers overlooking the football field. She’d dressed for the unseasonable heat in a new sleeveless linen tank dress that had made Steve do a double take when he saw her in it.

The deep emerald green of the grass and the dazzling blue of the sky created a vivid backdrop for the three hundred folding chairs facing a podium draped in bunting. Down on the field, the band stood at attention, all eyes on the conductor’s baton. Even from a distance, Grace could see Katie licking her clarinet reed in nervousness. She was soon to be an only child.

Draped in cameras, parents of the other graduates waited with the same sense of pride and expectation Grace was feeling. Every so often she felt an inquisitive stare. Steve was a local celebrity, with his picture on the cover of a national magazine.

But Grace knew that some of the curiosity had to do with Cory Crowther, too. The news had flown at the speed of heat—Cory, the football hero, would not be graduating with his class.

Grace slipped her hand into Steve’s as the first nasal strains of “Pomp and Circumstance” drifted from the band. Then the blue-
gowned graduates filed in, and they spotted the twins right away. Brian was unmistakable; with Day-Glo paints, he’d turned his mortarboard into an artistic statement. Next to him, Emma walked like a queen and took a seat, her eyes trained forward. A gold cord from the National Honor Society was draped around her neck, and Grace smiled. Emma was a proud and gifted young woman. She would do more than survive Cory’s attack. She would thrive. “That’s the best revenge I can think of,” she’d told Grace while getting dressed this morning.

The teachers and school officials filed out and took their places on the raised platform around the podium. Grace nudged Steve. “What’s Joshua Lamont doing down there?”

Lieutenant Lamont looked resplendent in dress uniform. He took a seat at the end of a row of teachers and gave his full attention to the school board president, who stood to introduce the first speaker.

“He’s the admissions liaison officer for the Naval Academy,” Steve whispered. “He confers the official appointment.”

“I heard the only appointee was Crowther. Maybe Lieutenant Lamont didn’t get the word that Cory’s been withdrawn from the pool of appointees.”

“Maybe there’s an alternate,” Steve said.

While the class valedictorian spoke, Grace studied her husband. It had always been a given that Brian would go to Annapolis. Even after Brian declared he didn’t want to join the Navy, it was still a given in Steve’s mind. Grace had expected him to mount a final assault on Brian’s artistic aspirations. Instead, Steve had surprised them all. Even when Brian explained that RISD didn’t have a baseball team, Steve hadn’t blinked. “Some other family will get their Annapolis grad,” he’d said last night.

Each graduate went to the podium for the traditional diploma and handshake. Principal Ellick pronounced each name with appropriate gravity: “Sarah-Marie-Adams.” Burst of applause from her family. “Stefan-Amundsen.” “Lawrence-Avery-Baker.” Some
graduates received additional distinctions—an associate certificate from the local community college, a special scholarship or award. “Brian-James-Bennett.”

Grace hooted and clapped while Steve snapped a picture.

“Emma-Jean-Bennett.”

More clapping, another picture.

“There is a special distinction for Miss Bennett,” the principal said. “Lieutenant Joshua Lamont is here to present it.”

Josh walked up to the podium. “On behalf of the United States Navy, I hereby appoint Miss Emma Jean Bennett the rank of Midshipman Fourth Class of the United States Naval Academy.”

Pride and shock collided, stealing all rational thought from Grace. “Am I really seeing this?” she asked Steve, groping for his hand.

“Yeah,” he said, looking dazed. “You really are.”

The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur. Then, while the band played “Louis Louis,” a shout went up from the graduates. Three hundred caps sailed into the blue sky. Steve and Grace jostled their way down to the field amid tearful relatives and jubilant grads. Grace hugged Brian, congratulating him. Then she turned to Emma. Her daughter had never looked more proud—or more vulnerable—to her.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Grace said.

“I wanted to surprise you.”

Grace and Steve exchanged a look. “Well, it worked.”

“How did you pull it off?” Grace asked.

“After I turned eighteen, I didn’t need parental signatures on anything.” She looked from Grace to Steve. “But I’ll always need you guys.”

The Navy is taking my daughter, thought Grace. They’re damned lucky to get her.

Katie came rushing to meet them, pulling Josh along behind her. “That was the coolest,” she said.

Josh offered his hand to Brian. “Congratulations.”

Brian hesitated, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. Then he grinned and shook hands. “Thanks.”

“There’s a barbecue at our house this afternoon,” Katie piped up. “You should come.”

Grace fumbled through momentary shock, then said, “Absolutely. We’d love to have you.”

“Thank you, ma’am. But I have plans with Lauren and—”

“Bring her along, of course.”

He cleared his throat. “And my mother, too.”

“She’s welcome,” Grace heard herself say. “All three of you are. I insist.” It was a week for firsts, the first time she had nearly broken her hand smacking a boy across the face and the first time she had invited her husband’s ex-wife to her home.

“Where are the kids?” Grace asked as she fastened her seat belt.

“They’re going with Josh to pick up Cissy and Lauren.” Steve started the engine. “You’re sure that’s okay, Cissy Lamont coming to the house?”

She turned and regarded him steadily. At one time, the idea of Steve’s ex and his natural son coming to her house for a party would have driven her around the bend. But now she understood what the past was—and what it wasn’t. “It’s fine.”

He smiled. “You’re amazing. Amazing Grace.”

She smiled back, but in a small, cold corner of her mind, she wondered what lay at the heart of his manner toward her. Was he reacting to the way she’d changed her looks, or to the reminder of failure Cissy had brought all these years later? What if he wanted to stay together simply to avoid failing again?

Not now, she told herself.

The relief and joy of his homecoming were powerful forces, but the unasked questions hovered in the back of her mind.

The deck was ready for a party, with paper streamers and napkins printed with caps and gowns, balloons sailing from the deck rail and a swag across the front window with the message
Congratulations Brian and Emma. There were ice chests of soft drinks and charcoal piled in the grill, ready to be ignited. The fridge was filled with hamburger patties, marinating salmon and a huge bowl of potato salad, and the freezer with five kinds of ice cream. A sheet cake decorated with a mortarboard had arrived from the bakery that morning.

Grace headed for the kitchen to start on the last-minute preparations. But when she set her purse and graduation program on the counter, Steve grabbed her wrist. “Not so fast,” he murmured, bending to kiss her.

Despite the quick dart of heat she felt, she pushed back from him. “Your arm—”

“I’ve been practicing one-handed push-ups.”

She bit her lip, delighting in the temptation. “I’ve got work to do. In a little while, the house is going to be crammed with people.”

“Then we’ll be quick.” He gave her no more time to object, but kissed her again and walked her backward out of the kitchen. “You look hot in that dress, Grace,” he said. “Is it new?”

“I…yes…” She felt him press her against the wall at the bottom of the stairs, and a helpless sense of need slid through her.

“I’ve been wondering all day,” he said, his hand lifting the hem, “what you’re wearing underneath it.”

They barely made it up the stairs, and were out of their clothes by the time they hit the bed in a tangle of limbs. His hands found places that had not been touched since before his deployment, and she gave an involuntary whimper.

“We’re going to get caught for sure,” she said, mildly shocked and deeply turned on.

“Nah,” he said. “I gave Brian twenty bucks to take the long way home.”

“Then I suppose,” she whispered, winding her arms around his neck, “we had better get busy.” Her heart opened like a flower as she relearned the taste of his lips and the shape of his body. A passion that felt both familiar and brand-new rose up inside her. They strained together with urgency, trying to span the endless
months of absence, the anger and fear, the uncertainty that hovered like shadows in the corners of the room.

He lay back and she straddled him, noting in passing that he’d grown thinner, paler during the deployment. She leaned down and gently kissed him while his hands and lips caressed her with a slow reverence that brought her to a state of searing anticipation that was almost painful in its intensity. For a while, there was only Steve, and the deep joy of rejoining her body with his. Heat shimmered over her skin and all through her, and even his most familiar caress and the rhythm of his kisses felt exotic. She shut her eyes and surrendered, the way she used to, the way she always did, with a blinding crash of sensation.

Sometimes, she thought, sinking down against him, they made love and that was all there was to it, and it was enough. But other times, like now, it was a revelation. They reclaimed the love that used to be, and Grace remembered all the ways they were so good together. This was no flutter of new love, no obsessive and dizzying first romance. This was the grand passion of her life. Steve, her husband. It seemed incredible to her now that she’d ever doubted that this was exactly where she belonged, no matter what the price.

They lay together, listening to each other’s breathing and to the muted sounds of ships’ horns and the wind in the trees. Grace circled her arms around him, wishing they could stay like this forever.

“That wasn’t supposed to make you cry,” he said, kissing the tear that slipped down her cheek.

“I was so scared,” she confessed. “We lost ourselves, Steve. We lost each other.”

“That’s nuts.”

“No, it’s true. I used to think it could never happen to us. We’re not bad people. This is a good marriage. But we started falling apart, and I realized no couple is immune. No matter how much we love each other, we’re not impervious to damage. What’s the Navy’s term for it? A mishap.”

“An unplanned or unexpected event resulting in injury, loss or damage.”

“Can you honestly say you weren’t worried about us?”

“All right. I was worried. The Cissy thing…I’m so sorry about that, Grace. I wanted to be…perfect for you.”

“I don’t need for you to be perfect. We’re perfect together.”

“Then why all these changes?”

She touched her fingers to his lips. “That was something I had to do. The day I walked into this house, I wanted it so badly that it hurt. Not because it’s such a great house or anything, but because of what it represents. I didn’t have the guts to go for it until you and I started falling apart. After that, I felt…entitled. Determined to succeed. I hated being separated from you, but it forced me to take a look at myself and make some changes.”

He brushed the tears from her face. “I shouldn’t have stood in your way. The staff psychologist I talked to after the mishap thinks I didn’t want you having a life of your own because it meant I wasn’t enough for you. And maybe there’s something to that. Look at all you’ve done.” He gestured at the room around them. “You don’t even need me.”

She lifted herself up on her elbow to look at him. “Idiot.”

“That’s what the shrink said.”

She offered a last, luxurious kiss, ripe with promise, before she slipped from the bed. “We’d better get dressed. Everybody’s going to be here any minute.”

He protested with a groan, but got up and started putting on his clothes. “Gracie, the promotion board results are in….”

She fastened her bra and stepped into her dress. “What about it?”

“Turns out the Crowther kid made an empty threat.” He paused, and his eyes shone. “Grace, I’ve been offered my own command.”

“Oh, Steve.” Her heart soared and sank at the same time. She was proud of him. How could she not be? Yet her heart seized with apprehension as she braced herself, waiting for him to instruct her that very soon she would have to abandon her home, take Katie away… “You’ve worked so hard for this. You’ve waited so long.”

He looked at his bandaged hand. “I still have nightmares about the mishap, Grace. If I hadn’t been there, if I hadn’t done what I did, more people would have died. Maybe a whole lot more.” He spoke matter-of-factly, without pride. “When it comes to saving lives, the Navy needs me every once in a while. But you—you and the kids—need me every day.”

She stopped with her zipper halfway up her back. “What are you saying?”

“I’ve had an offer from Boeing. It’s a permanent position as an aerospace consultant.”

She fell still, not even breathing for a few moments. For her own part, she knew what she wanted. It was what she’d always wanted, to spend the rest of her life with the man she loved. The trouble was, life was complicated; Navy life doubly so. They had some hard choices to make. “When did this happen?”

“I made some inquiries when I was at sea. Then the offer came in a couple of days ago. I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you.” He paused. “It’s a tough call.”

She pictured him as a man in the private sector, taking the ferry to work and getting home in time for dinner every day of the year. It would mean giving up a dream he’d worked for all his life. “I’m not making the call for you—”

“And I wouldn’t ask you to.”

“—but you can’t give up the Navy. It’s your life.” She was shocked by her own words. She was shocked that she meant them. Here he was, offering to surrender everything to her, and she couldn’t bear to let him do it.

“Do you hear yourself? Last fall you were practically begging me to get out.”

“A lot has happened since last fall. You can’t sacrifice everything you’ve worked for,” she said.

“Watch me.” He stepped behind her and finished zipping her dress. His good hand rested on her shoulder, its solid warm weight holding her still.

“Steve, when you give up a dream, there’s a price to pay. Trust me on this. Don’t do this because you think it’s what I want.”

“I was dying out there in the ocean, Grace. And all I could think about was you and the kids. This is my second chance,” he said, turning her to face him. “I’ve spent my whole adult life serving my country. I want to spend the rest of my life with my family. I want to get to know my kids better, help Emma with what’s ahead. I want to fall in love with you all over again.”

Even as her hopes soared, she had to ask, “Are you sure?”

“Hell, no, I’m not sure. But why should that stop me?” He chuckled at her expression. “I’m sure about one thing, Gracie—about us.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Me, too.” As she bent to straighten the bedspread, Grace couldn’t feel the floor beneath her feet. She honestly couldn’t.

Steve picked up their wedding photo from the dressing table and held it at arm’s length. “Who are those people?” he asked. “I barely recognize them.”

How wide-eyed she looked in the old photo, next to her handsome officer, how excited she’d been about the years to come. She smiled at that young Navy wife and felt a rush of gratitude for her. She was deeply, profoundly thankful for that life. But now it was time to move on.

“There’s one thing that hasn’t changed,” she said, turning toward him, her heart in her eyes. “And it never will.”

They stood at the window, looking out at the calm blue water against a backdrop of eternally white mountain peaks. Ferryboats crisscrossed the Sound, and in the distance, a haze-gray destroyer steamed out to sea. Steve slipped his arms around her from behind and bent to kiss her neck.

She pictured the two of them here, in the house on the bluff, watching the shipping lanes from the deck, year after year. The image filled her with a sense of contentment so deep that she sighed aloud.

The sound of rowdy laughter and car doors slamming drifted from below. Steve stepped back and straightened his tie. “Ready?” he asked her.

“Ready,” she said, taking his hand.

They went downstairs together, and opened the door wide.