The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know (30 page)

Revealing Ourselves

For the Taoists, the microcosm (our body, our relationship) is inextricably linked to the macrocosm (the planet, the rest of humanity). As we heal and transform ourselves and our most intimate relationship, we heal and transform all our relationships and the world as a whole.

In
The Multi-Orgasmic Man,
we explained that the more pleasure we give, the more pleasure we receive. The more we heal, the more we are healed. In
The Multi-Orgasmic Couple,
we have tried to show that the more we open ourselves up physically, emotionally, and spiritually to our partner, the more pleasurable and profound our lovemaking and our relationship will be. The more we reveal ourselves, the more joy and love we can share with each other and with the world.

Multiple orgasms are part of an unfolding process of “becoming one” with each other and with the world. According to the Tao and even according to modern physics, the world is continually pulsating. When we orgasm, we harmonize not only with our partner but also with the world and its pulsations. It is for this reason that sexuality is seen as so vital to our physical, emotional,
and
spiritual health. The more we open ourselves and become one with our partner, the more we open ourselves and become one with the world. In the next chapter, we will discuss how to maintain this pleasure and love, this joy and harmony, for a lifetime in our most intimate relationship.

The more we open ourselves up physically, emotionally, and spiritually to our partner, the more pleasurable and profound our lovemaking and our relationship will be.

The more we reveal ourselves, the more joy and love we can share with each other and with the world.

CHAPTER 8

Making Love for a Lifetime

In this chapter you will discover:

• Ways to Harmonize Differences in Your Desire
  

• Strategies for Waxing and Waning Desire
  

• Sexual Health for Older Women, Older Men, and Older Couples
  

• The Soft Entry Technique to Overcome Erection Problems
  

• How to Maintain the Sexual Charge in Your Relationship
  

• The Real Secret of Sexuality
  

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Taoist sexuality is not about the thrill of the new but the thrill of the known. The Taoists understood that the potential for knowing one
’
s partner is in
fi
nite since we, like the universe itself, are constantly changing.

In the West, we tend to think that passion peaks on the wedding night. Afterward, according to this cultural assumption, passion and sexual pleasure slowly decrease over the years until we accept our sexual dissatisfaction or seek other partners. This, the Taoists knew, does not have to be the case. In fact, for them the wedding night is just the beginning of a lifetime of ever more pleasurable and satisfying lovemaking as we learn the subtleties of our partner’s body, emotions, mind, and spirit. Multiple orgasms, in particular, become easier for men and for many women as they get older. Experiencing the heights of Healing Love also becomes easier as you and your partner grow together physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This chapter discusses the cycles that all couples experience as their desire for each other and what they need from each other change over months and years. Taoist sexuality is not about the thrill of the new but the thrill of the known. The Taoists understood that the potential for knowing one’s partner is infinite since we, like the universe itself, are constantly changing.

The Waxing and Waning of Desire

While it is natural for each of us to continually change and grow over the course of our lifetime, these changes can be surprising and even frightening to us and to our partner. In particular, as our desire waxes and wanes with the cycles of family, work, and health, it is important to learn how to accommodate our sexual relationship without feelings of mistrust or betrayal.

For most of us our sexual relationship is the place where we are most vulnerable. It is difficult not to personalize our partner’s sexual response. Men and women often take their partner’s waning interest in sex as a judgment or criticism. It is important to remember that this is generally a cycle and not a cliff. Both men’s and women’s sex drives are dependent on hormones, which are constantly ebbing and flowing in our bodies. Family and health issues can also dampen one’s sex drive for periods of time. With this said, it is important to discuss these sexual fluctuations and to avoid letting them go on for long periods of time without exploring their source.

This is important for both emotional and physiological reasons. Emotionally, it is important to avoid the lasting hurt and mistrust that can come from a partner’s cold shoulder. Hormonally, as we discussed in chapter 4, the more sex your body has, the more sex your body wants. The longer we go without sexual contact, the easier it is to lose contact with our sexual self. Finally, it is important physiologically to keep the pipes working, especially as we get older.

The difficulty, of course, is what to do when one of you is feeling frisky and the other is frowning. Here is a list of options that can save your sex life and even the love and trust in the relationship. The Taoists have always known that when there is disharmony in the bedroom, there can never be harmony in the relationship. So resolving these times of disharmony and conjugal con-flicts is essential for the well-being and happiness of your relationship as a whole.

Harmonizing Different Desires

What do you do when one of you is feeling sexual and the other is not?

It is essential to establish open and honest communication about the cycles of desire each of you experience. Often it is possible for this communication to rely on body language, but it is very easy to misunderstand or not fully to understand our partner’s body. Rather than turning over with disappointment and hurt, it is essential to convey verbally our desire and to invite our partner to convey his or her desire.

There are various satisfying options for exchanging sexual energy even when one of you is not interested in intercourse or even being “sexual.” It is important to remember that Healing Love is much more than multiple orgasms. There are several ways that can help ensure the quality of your sex-ual and overall relationship.

1. If you initiate sex, you must not take the highs and lows of your partner’s sexual energy personally or as a reflection of your own attractiveness or desirability.
   This is very difficult to do. From our earliest experiences with romance and relationship on the adolescent dance floor, we take others’ interest as a sign of our attractiveness and desirability as a partner. As we discussed in chapter 6, “Making Real Love,” the Taoists knew that love has more to do with our own ability to love than it does with how lovable our partner is. Similarly, attraction has more to do with our own level of sexual energy than it does with how attractive our partner is. In other words, to feel desire or attraction to anyone, we must have access to our own sexual energy.
   

   In our more external culture, where we are constantly barraged by images of airbrushed beauty, of silicone-enhanced breasts and washboard stomachs, it is hard not to feel that if we or our partner were more attractive, we or they would have more desire. Contrary to popular opinion, sexual energy is first and foremost generated in an individual’s own body. Like any other aspect of our health, it must be exercised and maintained by us individually.
   

   Attraction has more to do with our own level of sexual energy than it does with how attractive our partner is.
   

   

2. Expressing sexual desire makes us feel extremely vulnerable, and the invitation to sex should never be shunned or dismissed, even if one partner is not feeling sexual.
   If we are not feeling sexual, it is our responsibility to convey our lack of desire to our partner with love and without hurt or shame.
   

3. If you are not interested in sex, offer your partner your front, not your back.
   When your partner is feeling sexual and you are not, don’t simply roll over and go to sleep. Convey your lack of sexual desire but share your love and affection. Embrace and kiss your partner before going to sleep. As discussed earlier, touching is essential for maintaining our bond with our mate, whether we are sexual or not. We can convey much loving, healing energy with our touch and our lips without being sexual.
   

4. Err in the direction of sex.
   No one should have sex when they do not want to, but often we are just not in touch with our sexual energy. Our sexual energy may not be aroused, but it remains available to us with a little effort. It is easy to burn up a lot of our energy with our family and work responsibilities. By the time we fall into bed, it is easy for one of us to be interested in sleep more than sex. If you are the sleepyhead, consider your partner’s sexual desire as an opportunity to get in touch with yours, to feel your pleasurable and life-giving sexual energy. If you make Healing Love, you will find that the vast majority of the time you will be glad you did. Especially when you are both multi-orgasmic, you can have extremely satisfying sex quickly enough that you lose little sleep. If your lack of desire is the result of disharmony in the relationship, convey your need to discuss what is bothering you or see if loving touch can smooth the rough edges of your relationship. However, if one of you is truly too exhausted to have sex or uninterested for any other rea-son, we encourage you to do the following:
   

5. Choose an alternative time for lovemaking.
   Whether you choose Morning Prayer or schedule time over the weekend, it is important that you plan to satisfy your sexual appetites with the same planning and forethought that you would use to satisfy your physical appetites. Agree to go to bed earlier or somehow carve out time to be intentional about your sexual inten-tions. In addition, even if you do not wish to “have” sex, there are various ways to “be” sexual or to satisfy the partner who is feeling sexual. We discuss these in the following section.
   

Being Sexual Without Doing It

In addition to the above agreements, there are ways to be sexual that will allow you to harmonize the cycles of your desire when one of you has more sexual energy than the other.

MAKING LOVE WITH MOUTH AND/OR HANDS

If one partner is not interested in having intercourse but is willing to be sexual, then he or she might be willing to participate in oral or manual sex, satisfying the other partner with mouth or hands. The person who gives oral sex receives a great deal of powerful sexual energy from his or her partner. As mentioned above, the Taoists believed that a man can absorb chi from the “three peaks” of a woman’s body (her tongue, her nipples, and her vagina). Similarly, a woman can absorb a man’s chi from his tongue, his nipples, and his penis. Oral and manual sex will also give you the opportunity to explore your partner’s genitals in ways that are often overlooked when intercourse is the main event. This is very useful when one partner is out of commission for health or other reasons. While oral or manual sex is certainly a happy alternative for the partner who wants to be sexual, it may involve too much exer-tion or be “too” sexual for a partner who is tired or not interested in sex. For this reason, there is always solo cultivation in the arms of your beloved.

SOLO CULTIVATION IN THE ARMS OF YOUR BELOVED

When one partner is not interested or is too tired for the kind of energetic involvement described above or simply as another way to be intimate, the partner who is feeling sexual can self-pleasure while being held by her or his partner.

Many people are ashamed to masturbate alone, so masturbating, or solo cultivating, as the Taoists called it, in front of your partner may seem all the more shocking. In fact, it is a marvelous way to show your partner what you enjoy and to overcome the shame that many people feel about masturbating. Solo cultivation loses much of its stigma and isolation when it is brought out of the closet (or bathroom). Your partner can hold you or simply put their hands on your body. They may even choose to join in and caress you as they see how much fun you’re having, but this should not be expected.

In one of the studies we cited earlier, over 70 percent of married men and women masturbate. Self-pleasuring does not take the place of marital sex but is a valuable complement. If you can have an open discussion about this natural part of human sexuality and even bring it into your bedroom, you will be able to harmonize your sexual cycles and bridge differences in desire that cause major rifts for other couples.

SOLO CULTIVATION BY YOURSELF

If you are not interested in solo cultivating in front of your partner or your partner is not interested in holding you while you cultivate, you can always

get out of bed and pleasure yourself elsewhere. Remember, solo cultivation is about maintaining your sexual energy and sexual health. Just because your partner doesn’t want to exercise doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. If your partner was not interested in going for a jog, you would still want to go. According to the Tao, each of us has yin and yang, feminine and masculine energy, and we can join these two aspects together as we make love to ourselves.