The Meaning of Liff (7 page)

SLUMBAY (n.)

The cigarette end someone discovers in the mouthful of lager they have just swigged from a can at the end of party.

SMARDEN (vb.)

To keep your mouth shut by smiling determinedly through you teeth. Smardening is largely used by people trying to give the impression that they're enjoying a story they've heard at least six times before.

SMEARISARY (n.)

The correct name for a junior apprentice greengrocer whose main duty is to arrange the fruit so that the bad side is underneath. From the name of a character not in Dickens.

SNEEM (n.,vb.)

Particular kind of frozen smile bestowed on a small child by a parent in mixed company when question, 'Mummy, what's this?' appears to require the answer,' Er...it's a rubber johnny, darling'.

SNITTER (n.)

One of the rather unfunny newspaper clippings pinned to an office wall, the humour of which is supposed to derive from the fact that the headline contains a name similar to that of one of the occupants to the office.

SNITTERBY (n.)

Someone who pins snitters (q.v.) on to snitterfields (q.v.) and is also suspected of being responsible for the extinction of virginstows (q.v.)

SNITTERFIELD (n.)

Office noticeboard on which snitters (q.v.), cards saying 'You don't have to be mad to work here, but if you are it helps !!!' and slightly smutty postcards from Ibiza get pinned up by snitterbies (q.v.)

SOLENT (adj.)

Descriptive of the state of serene self-knowledge reached through drink.

SOTTERLEY (n,)

Uncovered bit between two shops with awnings, which you have to cross when it's raining.

SPITTAL OF GLENSHEE (n.)

That which has to be cleaned off castle floors in the morning after a bagpipe contest or vampire attack.

SPOFFORTH (vb.)

To tidy up a room before the cleaning lady arrives.

SPROSTON GREEN (n.)

The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees's jackets, worn when he thinks he's being elegant.

STEBBING (n.)

The erection you cannot conceal because you're not wearing a jacket.

STOKE POGES (n.)

The tapping moments of an index finger on glass made by a person futilely attempting to communicate with either a tropical fish or a post office clerk.

STURRY (n.,vb.)

A token run. Pedestrians who have chosen to cross a road immediately in front of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and break into a sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without having any practical effect on their speed whatsoever.

SUTTON and CHEAM (nouns)

Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided. 'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things, 'cheam' the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull goo on a dinner jacket (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to tome very curious dinner parties.

SWANAGE (pl.n.)

Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a high-pitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this doesn't work more that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying 'Christ! I seen to have dropped some shit on your table' (very unwise); (d) saying 'Christ, who did that?' (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the occasional humorous glance.

SWANIBOST (adj.)

Complete shagged out after a hard day having income tax explained to you.

SYMOND'S YAT (n.)

The little spoonful inside the lid of a recently opened boiled egg.

TABLEY SUPERIOR (n.)

The look directed at you in a theatre bar in the interval by people who've already got their drinks.

TAMPA (n.)

The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk in a very quiet room.

TAROOM (vb.)

To make loud noises during the night to let the burglars know you are in.

TEGUCIGALPA (n.)

An embarrassing mistake arising out of confusing the shape of something rather rude with something perfectly ordinary when groping for it in the darkness. A common example of a tegucigalpa is when a woman pulls a packet of Tampax out of her bag and offers them around under the impression that it is a carton of cigarettes.

THEAKSTONE (n.)

Ancient mad tramp who jabbers to himself and swears loudly and obscenely on station platforms and traffic islands.

THROCKING (participial vb.)

The action of continually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want it to toast something. Also: a style of drum-playing favoured by Nigel Olsson of the Elton John Band, reminiscent of the sound of someone slapping a frankfurter against a bucket. An excellent example of this is to be heard on 'Someone Save My Life Tonight' from the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.

THROUCKMORTON (n.)

The soul of a departed madman: one of those now known to inhabit the timing mechanism of pop-up toasters.

THRUMSTRER (n.)

The irritating man next to you in a concert who thinks he's (a) the conductor, (b) the brass section.

THRUPP (vb.)

To hold a ruler on one end on a desk and make the other end go bbddbbddbbrrbrrrrddrr.

THURNBY (n.)

A rucked-up edge of carpet or linoleum which everyone says someone will trip over and break a leg unless it gets fixed. After a year or two someone trips over it and breaks a leg.

TIBSHELF (n.)

Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl's bedroom which is covered with glass bambies and poodles, matching pigs and porcelain ponies in various postures.

TIDPIT (n.)

The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black deposits may be sprung.

TIGHARRY (n.)

The accomplice or 'lure' who gets punters to participate in the three card trick on London streets by winning an improbable amount of money very easily.

TILLICOULTRY (n.)

The man-to-man chumminess adopted by an employer as a prelude for telling an employee that he's going to have to let him go.

TIMBLE (vb.)

(Of small nasty children.) To fail over very gently, look around to see who's about, and then yell blue murder.

TINCLETON (n.)

A man who amuses himself in your lavatory by pulling the chain in mid-pee and then seeing if he can finish before the flush does.

TINGRITH (n.)

The feeling of silver paper against your fillings.

TODBER (n.)

One whose idea of a good time is to stand behind his front hedge and give surly nods to people he doesn't know.

TODDING (vb.)

The business of talking amiably and aimlessly to the barman at the local.

TOLOB (n.)

A crease or fold in an underblanket, the removal of which involves getting out of bed an largely remaking it.

TOLSTACHAOLAIS (phr.)

What the police in Leith require you to say in order to prove that you are not drunk.

TOOTING BEC (n.)

A car behind which one draws up at the traffic lights and hoots at when the lights go green before realising that the car is parked and there is no one inside.

TORLUNDY (n.)

Narrow but thickly grimed strip of floor between the fridge and the sink unit in the kitchen of a rented flat.

TORONTO (n.)

Generic term for anything which comes out of a gush despite all your careful efforts to let it out gently, e.g. flour into a white sauce, tomato ketchup on to fried fish, sperm into a human being, etc.

TOTTERIDGE (n.)

The ridiculous two-inch hunch that people adopt when arriving late for the theatre in the vain and futile hope that it will minimise either the embarrassment of the lack of visibility for the rest of the audience. c.f. hickling.

TRANTLEMORE (vb.)

To make a noise like a train crossing a set of points.

TREWOFFE (n.)

A very thick and heavy drift of snow balanced precariously on the edoge of a door porch waiting for what it judges to be the correct moment to fall. From the ancient Greek legend 'The Treewofe of Damocles'.

TRISPEN (n.)

A form of intelligent grass. It grows a single, tough stalk and makes its home on lawns. When it sees the lawnmower coming it lies down and pops up again after it has gone by.

TROSSACHS (pl.n.)

The useless epaulettes on an expensive raincoat.

TUAMGRANEY (n.)

A hideous wooden ornament that people hang over the mantelpiece to prove they've been to Africa.

TULSA (n.)

A slurp of beer which has accidentally gone down your shirt collar.

TUMBY (n.)

The involuntary abdominal gurgling which fills the silence following someone else's intimate personal revelation.

TWEEDSMUIR (collective n.)

The name given to the extensive collection of hats kept in the downstairs lavatory which don't fit anyone in the family.

TWEMLOW GREEN (n.)

The colour of some of Nigel Rees's trousers, worn in the mistaken belief that they go rather well with his sproston green (q.v.) jackets.

TWOMILEBORRIS (n.)

A popular Ease European outdoor game in which the first person to reach the front of the meat queue wins, and the losers have to forfeit their bath plugs.

TYNE and WEAR (nouns)

The 'Tyne' is the small priceless or vital object accidentally dropped on the floor (e.g. diamond tie clip, contact lens) and the 'wear' is the large immovable object (e.g. Welsh dresser, car-crusher) that it shelters under.

ULLAPOOL (n.)

The spittle which builds up on the floor of the Royal Opera House.

ULLINGSWICK (n.)

An over-developed epiglottis found in middle-aged coloraturas.

ULLOCK (n.)

The correct name for either of the deaf Scandinavian tourists who are standing two abreast in front of you on the escalator.

UMBERLEIGH (n.)

The awful moment which follows a dorchester (q.v.) when a speaker weighs up whether to repeat an amusing remark after nobody laughed the last time. To be on the horns of an umberleigh is to wonder whether people didn't hear the remark, or whether they did hear it and just didn't think it was funny, which was why somebody coughed.

UPOTTERY (n.)

That part of a kitchen cupboard which contains an unnecessarily large number of milk jugs.

UTTOXETER (n.)

A small but immensely complex mechanical device which is essentially the 'brain' of a modern coffee vending machine, and which enables the machine to take its own decisions.

VALLETTA (n.)

On ornate head-dress or loose garment worn by a person in the belief that it renders then invisibly native and not like a tourist at all. People who don huge colonial straw collie hats with 'I Luv Lagos' on them in Nigeria, or fat solicitors from Tonbridge on holiday in Malaya who insist on appearing in the hotel lobby wearing a sarong know what we're on about.

VANCOUVER (n.)

The technical name for one of those huge trucks with whirling brushes on the bottom used to clean streets.

VENTNOR (n.)

One who, having been visited as a child by a mysterious gypsy lady, is gifted with the strange power of being able to operate the air-nozzles above aeroplane seats.

VIRGINSTOW (n.)

A Durex machine which doesn't have the phrase 'So was the Titanic' scrawled on it. The word has now fallen into disuse.

VOBSTER (n.)

A strain of perfectly healthy rodent which develops cancer the moment it enter a laboratory.

WARLEGGAN (n. archaic)

One who does not approve of araglins (q.v.)

WATH (n.)

The rage of Roy Jenkins.

WEEM (n.)

The tools with which a dentist can inflict the greatest pain. Formerly, which tool this was dependent upon the imagination and skill of the individual dentist, though now, with technological advances, weems can be bought specially.