The Meaning of Liff (3 page)

DORRIDGE (n.)

Technical term for one of the lame excuses written in very small print on the side of packets of food or washing powder to explain why there's hardly anything inside. Examples include 'Contents may have settled in transit' and 'To keep each biscuit fresh they have been individually wrapped in silver paper and cellophane and separated with corrugated lining, a cardboard flap, and heavy industrial tyres'.

DRAFFAN (n.)

An infuriating person who always manages to look much more dashing that anyone else by turning up unshaven and hangover at a formal party.

DREBLEY (n.)

Name for a shop which is supposed to be witty but is in fact wearisome, e.g. 'The Frock Exchange', 'Hair Apparent', etc.

DROITWICH (n.)

A street dance. The two partners approach from opposite directions and try politely to get out of each other's way. They step to the left, step to the right, apologise, step to the left again, apologise again, bump into each other and repeat as often as unnecessary.

DUBUQUE (n.)

A look given by a superior person to someone who has arrived wearing the wrong sort of shoes.

DUDOO (n.)

The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.

DUGGLEBY (n.)

The person in front of you in the supermarket queue who has just unloaded a bulging trolley on to the conveyor belt and is now in the process of trying to work out which pocket they left their cheque book in, and indeed which pair of trousers.

DULEEK (n.)

Sudden realisation, as you lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, that it should have gone off an hour ago.

DULUTH (adj.)

The smell of a taxi out of which people have just got.

DUNBAR (n.)

A highly specialised fiscal term used solely by turnstile operatives at Regnet's Part zoo. It refers to the variable amount of increase in the variable gate takings on a Sunday afternoon, caused by persons going to the zoo because they are in love and believe that the feeling of romance will be somehow enhanced by the smell of panther sweat and rank incontinence in the reptile house.

DUNBOYNE (n.)

The moment of realisation that the train you have just patiently watched pulling out of the station was the one you were meant to be on.

DUNCRAGGON (n.)

The name of Charles Bronson's retirement cottage.

DUNGENESS (n.)

The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.

DUNTISH (adj.)

Mentally incapacitated by severe hangover.

EAST WITTERING (n.)

The same as west wittering (q.v.) only it's you they've trying to get away from.

EDGBASTON (n.)

The spare seat-cushion carried by a London bus, which is placed against the rear bumper when the driver wishes to indicate that the bus has broken down. No one knows how this charming old custom originated or how long it will continue.

ELY (n.)

The first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone terribly wrong.

EMSWORTH (n.)

Measure of time and noiselessness defined as the moment between the doors of a lift closing and it beginning to move.

EPPING (participial vb.)

The futile movements of forefingers and eyebrows used when failing to attract the attention of waiters and barmen.

EPSOM (n.)

An entry in a diary (such as a date or a set of initials) or a name and address in your address book, which you haven't the faintest idea what it's doing there.

EPWORTH (n.)

The precise value of the usefulness of epping (q.v.) it is a little-known fact than an earlier draft of the final line of the film Gone with the Wind had Clark Gable saying 'Frankly my dear, i don't give an epworth', the line being eventually changed on the grounds that it might not be understood in Cleveland.

ERIBOLL (n.)

A brown bubble of cheese containing gaseous matter which grows on welsh rarebit. It was Sir Alexander Flemming's study of eribolls which led, indirectly, to his discovery of the fact that he didn't like welsh rarebit very much.

ESHER (n.)

One of those push tapes installed in public washrooms enabling the user to wash their trousers without actually getting into the basin. The most powerful esher of recent years was 'damped down' by Red Adair after an incredible sixty-eight days' fight in Manchester's Piccadilly Station.

EVERSCREECH (n.)

The look given by a group of polite, angry people to a rude, calm queue-barger.

EWELME (n.)

The smile bestowed on you by an air hostess.

EXETER (n.)

All light household and electrical goods contain a number of vital components plus at least one exeter. If you've just mended a fuse, changed a bulb or fixed a blender, the exeter is the small, flat or round plastic or bakelite piece left over which means you have to undo everything and start all over again.

FAIRYMOUNT (vb.n.)

Polite word for buggery.

FARDUCKMANTON (n. archaic)

An ancient edict, mysteriously omitted from the Domesday Book, requiring that the feeding of fowl on village ponds should be carried out equitably.

FARNHAM (n.)

The feeling you get about four o'clock in the afternoon when you haven't got enough done.

FARRANCASSIDY (n.)

A long and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to undo someone's bra.

FEAKLE (vb.)

To make facial expressions similar to those that old gentlemen make to young girls in the playground.

FINUGE (vb.)

In any division of foodstuffs equally between several people, to give yourself the extra slice left over.

FIUNARY (n.)

The safe place you put something and then forget where it was.

FLIMBY (n.)

One of those irritating handle-less slippery translucent plastic bags you get in supermarkets which, no matter how you hold them, always contrive to let something fall out.

FLODIGARRY (n. Scots)

An ankle-length gabardine or oilskin tarpaulin worn by deep-sea herring fishermen in Arbroath and publicans in Glasgow.

FOINDLE (vb.)

To queue-jump very discreetly by working one's way up the line without being spotted doing so.

FORSINAIN (n. archaic)

The right of the lord of the manor to molest dwarves on their birthdays.

FOVANT (n.)

A taxi driver's gesture, a raised hand pointed out of the window which purports to mean 'thank you' and actually means 'fuck off out of the way'.

FRADDAM (n.)

The small awkward-shaped piece of cheese which remains after grating a large regular-shaped piece of cheese and enables you to cut your fingers.

FRAMLINGHAM (n.)

A kind of burglar alarm usage. It is cunningly designed so that it can ring at full volume in the street without apparently disturbing anyone. Other types of framlingams are burglar alarms fitted to business premises in residential areas, which go off as a matter of regular routine at 5.31 p.m. on a Friday evening and do not get turned off til 9.20 a.m. on Monday morning.

FRANT (n.)

Measure. The legal minimum distance between two trains on the District and Circle line of the London Underground. A frant, which must be not less than 122 chains (or 8 leagues) long, is not connected in any way with the adjective 'frantic' which comes to us by a completely different route (as indeed do the trains).

FRATING GREEN (adj.)

The shade of green which is supposed to make you feel comfortable in hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in police stations.

FRIMLEY (n.)

Exaggerated carefree saunter adopted by Norman Wisdom as an immediate prelude to dropping down an open manhole.

FRING (n.)

The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.

FROLESWORTH (n.)

Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to spend frowning in deep concentration at each picture in an art gallery in order that everyone else doesn't think you've a complete moron.

FROSSES (pl.n.)

The lecherous looks exchanged between sixteen-year-olds at a party given by someone's parents.

FULKING (participial vb.)

Pretending not to be in when the carol-singers come round.

GALASHIELS (pl.n.)

A form of particularly long sparse sideburns which are part of the mandatory uniform of British Rail guards.

GALLIPOLI (adj.)

Of the behaviour of a bottom lip trying to spit mouthwash after an injection at the dentist. Hence, loose, floppy, useless. 'She went suddenly Gallipoli in his arms' - Noel Coward.

GANGES (n. rare : colonial Indian)

Leg-rash contracted from playing too much polo. (It is a little-known fact that Prince Charles is troubled by ganges down the inside of his arms.)

GASTARD (n.)

Useful specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order to distinguish it from someone who merely carves you up on the motorway, etc.)

GILDERSOME (adj.)

Descriptive of a joke someone tells you which starts well, but which becomes so embellished in the telling that you start to weary of it after scarcely half an hour.

GIPPING (participial vb.)

The fish-like opening and closing of the jaws seen amongst people who have recently been to the dentist and are puzzled as to whether their teeth have been put back the right way up.

GLASGOW (n.)

The feeling of infinite sadness engendered when walking through a place filled with happy people fifteen years younger than yourself.

GLASSEL (n.)

A seaside pebble which was shiny and interesting when wet, and which is now a lump of rock, which children nevertheless insist on filing their suitcases with after the holiday.

GLAZELEY (adj.)

The state of a barrister's flat greasy hair after wearing a wig all day.

GLEMENUILT (n.)

The kind of guilt which you'd completely forgotten about which comes roaring back on discovering an old letter in a cupboard.

GLENTAGGART (n.)

A particular kind of tartan hold-all, made exclusive under licence for British Airways. When waiting to collect your luggage from an airport conveyor belt, you will notice that on the next conveyor belt a solitary bag is going round and round uncollected. This is a glentaggart, which has been placed there by the baggage-handling staff to take your mind off the fact that your own luggage will shortly be landing in Murmansk.

GLENTIES (pl.n.)

Series of small steps by which someone who has made a serious tactical error in a conversion or argument moves from complete disagreement to wholehearted agreement.

GLENWHILLY (n. Scots)

A small tartan pouch worn beneath the kilt during the thistle-harvest.

GLINSK (n.)

A hat which politicians but to go to Russia in.

GLORORUM (n.)

One who takes pleasure in informing others about their bowel movements.

GLOSSOP (n.)

A rouge blob of food. Glossops, which are generally streaming hot and highly adhesive invariably fall off your spoon and on to the surface of your host's highly polished antique-rosewood dining table. If this has not, or may not have, been noticed by the company present, swanage (q.v.) may be employed.

GLUTT LODGE (n.)

The place where food can be stored after having a tooth extracted. Some Arabs can go without sustenance for up to six weeks on a full glutt lodge, hence the expression 'the shit of the dessert'.

GLOADBY MARWOOD (n.)

Someone who stops Jon Cleese on the street and demands that he does a funny walk.

GODALMING (n.)

Wonderful rush of relief on discovering that the ely (q.v.) and the wembley (q.v.) were in fact false alarms.

GOLANT (adj.)

Blank, sly and faintly embarrassed. Pertaining to the expression seen on the face of someone who has clearly forgotten your name.

GOOLE (n.)

The puddle on the bar into which the barman puts your change.

GOOSECRUIVES (pl. n. archaic)

A pair of wooden trousers worn by poultry-keepers in the Middle Ages.

GOOSNARGH (n.)

Something left over from preparing or eating a meal, which you store in the fridge despite the fact that you know full well you will never ever use it.