The Meaning of Liff (8 page)

WEMBLEY (n.)

The hideous moment of confirmation that the disaster presaged in the ely (q.v.) has actually struck.

WENDENS AMBO (n.)

(Veterinary term.) The operation to trace an object swallowed by a cow through all its seven stomachs. Hence, also (1) en expedition to discover where the exits are in the Barican Centre, and (2) a search through the complete works of Chaucer for all the rude bits.

WEST WITTERING (participial vb.)

The uncontrollable twitching which breaks out when you're trying to get away from the most boring person at a party.

WETWANG (n.)

A moist penis.

WHAPLODE DROVE (n.)

A homicidal golf stroke.

WHASSET (n.)

A business car in you wallet belonging to someone whom you have no recollection of meeting.

WHISSENDINE (n.)

The nose which occurs (often by night) in a strange house, which is too short and too irregular for you ever to be able to find out what it is and where it comes from.

WIDDICOMBE (n.)

The sort of person who impersonates trim phones.

WIGAN (n.)

If, when talking to someone you know has only one leg, you're trying to treat then perfectly casually and normally, but find to your horror that your conversion is liberally studded with references to (a) Long John Silver, (b) Hopalong Cassidy, (c) The Hockey Cokey, (d) 'putting your foot in it', (e) 'the last leg of the UEFA competition', you are said to have committed a wigan. The word is derived from the fact that sub-editors at ITN used to manage to mention the name of either the town Wigan, or Lord Wigg, in every fourth script that Reginald Bosanquet was given to read.

WIKE (vb.)

To rip a piece of sticky plaster off your skin as fast as possible in the hope that it will (a) show how brave you are, and (b) not hurt.

WILLIMANTIC (adj.)

Of a person whose hearth is in the wrong place (i.e. between their legs).

WIMBLEDON (n.)

That last drop which, no matter how much you shake it, always goes down your trouser leg.

WINKLEY (n.)

A lost object which turns up immediately you've gone and bought a replacement for it.

WINSTON-SALEM (n.)

A person in a restaurant who suggest to their companions that they should split the cost of the meal equally, and then orders two packets of cigarettes on the bill.

WIVENHOE (n.)

The cry of alacrity with which a sprightly eighty-year-old breaks the ice on the lake when going for a swim on Christmas Eve.

WOKING (participial vb.)

Standing in the kitchen wondering what you came in here for.

WOOLFARDISHWORTHY (n.)

A mumbled, mispronounced or misheard word in a song, speech or play. Derived from the well-known mumbles passage in Hamlet :

'...and the spurns,

That patient merit of the unworthy takes

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who woolfardisworthy

To grunt and sweat under a weary life?'

WORGRET (n.)

A kind of poltergeist which specialises in stealing new copies of the A-Z from your car.

WORKSOP (n.)

A person who never actually gets round to doing anything because he spends all his time writing out lists headed 'Things to Do (Urgent)'.

WORMELOW TUMP (n.)

Any seventeen-year-old who doesn't know about anything at all in the world other than bicycle gears.

WRABNESS (n.)

The feeling after having tried to dry oneself with a damp towel.

WRITTLE (vb.)

Of a steel ball, to settle into a hole.

WROOT (n.)

A short little berk who thinks that by pulling on his pipe and gazing shrewdly at you he will give the impression that he is infinitely wise and 5 ft 11 in.

WYOMING (participial vb.)

Moving in hurried desperation from one cubicle to another in a public lavatory trying to find one which has a lock on the door, a seat on the bowl and no brown steaks on the seat.

YADDLETHORPE (vb.)

(Of offended pooves.) To exit huffily from a boutique.

YARMOUTH (vb.)

To shout at foreigners in the belief that the louder you speak, the better they'll understand you.

YATE (n.)

Dishearteningly white piece of bread which sits limply in a pop-up toaster during a protracted throcking (q.v.) session.

YEPPOON (n.)

One of the hat-hanging corks which Australians wear for making Qantas commercials.

YESNABY (n.)

A 'yes, maybe' which means 'no'.

YONDER BOGINE (n.)

The kind of restaurant advertised as 'just three minutes from this cinema' which clearly nobody ever goes to and, even if they had ever contemplated it, have certainly changed their mind since seeing the advert.

YONKERS (n.)

(Rare.) The combined thrill of pain and shame when being caught in public plucking your nostril-hairs and stuffing them into your side-pocket.

YORK (vb.)

To shift the position of the shoulder straps on a heavy bag or rucksack in a vain attempt to make it seem lighter. Hence : to laugh falsely and heartily at an unfunny remark. 'Jasmine yorked politely, loathing him to the depths of her being' - Virginia Woolf.

ZEAL MONACHORUM (n.)

(Skiing term.) To ski with 'zeal monachorum' is to descend the top three quarters of the mountain in a quivering blue funk, but on arriving at the gentle bit just in front of the restaurant to whizz to a stop like a victorious slalom-champion.

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