The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (97 page)

So she fnally talked her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looked over at him again.

“Why don’t you kiss me?”

“You’ve been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I’m not going to kiss you, you’re my sister!” And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. “I know I’m your sister. And you’re my brother. So we love each other, right? So why shouldn’t we kiss if we feel like it?” She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, “Come on. Let’s do it.”

“Do what?” said her brother, already knowing full well what his sister had in mind. “You know what,” his sister replied.

“I can’t do that with you, you’re my . . .”

His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister whispered “You know, you’re a lot lighter than dad.”

“I know,” said her brother. “Mum told me.”

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. For example, only this morning she asked me: “Is that the best you can do?”

How do you circumcise a boy from Norwich?

Kick his sister in the face.

A Londoner is sitting down in a bar next to a guy from Norwich. After too many beers, the Londoner says, “Is it true that everyone from your neck of the woods dates their own cousins?”

The guy from Norwich reacts with fury. “That’s a fucking malicious lie made up by you cockney bastards just to poke fun at people from Norwich!”

He went on “I’ve lived in Norwich all of my life and never once dated my cousin. Oh, I fucked her a few times . . . but I NEVER took her anywhere frst!”

Did you hear about the bisexual German?

He went down on his Hans and niece.

Why is non-alcohol lager like licking your sister’s vagina?

It tastes roughly the same but you know it just isn’t right.

I came home from the pub one night and said to the wife, “You know what? I heard our milkman has slept with every woman in this street except one.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” she replied. “I bet it’s that stuck-up bitch from number 109.”

A man calls his home from work to tell his wife he’s working late. A strange woman answers.

He says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid,” answers the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!”

“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

“Umm . . . she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just fgured was her husband.”

The man is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make yourself a lot of money?”

“Sure, what do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the back room then go upstairs and shoot that bitch and whoever she is with.”

The maid puts down the phone. The man hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.

“What do you want me to do with the bodies . . . throw them in the swimming pool?”

“What? We don’t have a swimming pool! Hang on – is this 01785—?”

A man came home a day early from a business trip and found his wife in the bedroom in the middle of a passionate lovemaking session with a complete stranger in their bedroom. He demanded: “What the hell’s going on?”

His wife turned to the other man and said, “See, I told you he was a stupid cunt.”

A man woke up on his fortieth birthday feeling old and depressed. He went downstairs for breakfast, hoping his wife would cheer him up by saying, “Happy Birthday!” and perhaps have a small present for him.