The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (101 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
Did you hear about the half-Irish, half-Sicilian schizophrenic?
He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.
Why do Italians whistle in the toilet?
So that they know which end to wipe.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What do you call an Italian man eating pussy?
Cunnilinguini.
An old Italian guy went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, father, during the Second World War, a beautiful woman knocked at my door one day and asked me to hide her from the Germans, so I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“You did a very wonderful thing, my son. This is nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“Hang on, father. It’s worse. I was weak and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very diffcult time and you took a big risk, my son,” said the priest. “If the Germans had found you out, they would have tortured you and you would have suffered terribly. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you favourably.”
“Thank you, father,” said the old man. “That is a great load off my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I have to tell her that the war is over?”
Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
Because you couldn’t get that much shit into a shoe.
A black guy and a gorilla walk into a bar in Rome. The guy says to the barman, “I’d like a beer and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.”
The barman says, “Sorry, pal, we don’t serve gorillas in here.”
So the guy takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, “I’d like a beer and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.” The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down at a table.
The barman turns to a customer at the bar and says, “You know what drives me mad? Every time a good-looking Italian chick comes in here, she’s with some black guy.”
How is the Sicilian version of Christmas different?
They have one Mary, one Jesus and twelve wise guys.
Why don’t Sicilians like Jehovah witnesses? Nothing personal, they just don’t like witnesses.
Ten Reasons Why it’s great to Be italian
1 You have an in-depth knowledge of little-known pasta shapes.
2 You are not embarrassed to wear your jumper draped around your shoulders like a shawl.
3 No need to worry about tax returns.
4 Glorious military history prior to ad 400.
5 You wear sunglasses indoors.
6 A new government every other month.
7 Flexible working hours.
8 You live near the Pope.
9 You can spend hours braiding your girlfriend’s armpit hair.
10 Your country is run by Sicilian murderers.
A Jewish American tourist is in a London bar watching a television documentary about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour. The narrator says: “On 7 December 1941, the Imperial Japanese Navy launched an unprovoked air attack on Pearl Harbour in Hawaii.” The Jew shakes his head and stares into his beer.