The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (98 page)

As it turned out, she barely said a word and all but ignored him. He thought to himself, “Well, that’s fucking marriage for you . . . but the children, they will remember.”

In the event his kids came downstairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So he left for the offce, feeling low and rather despondent.

As he walked into his offce, his attractive young secretary Sally said brightly, “Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!”

It cheered him up no end that at least someone had remembered. Later that morning his secretary knocked on his door and said, “Boss, It’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”

Things were definitely picking up! He said, “Thanks, Sally, that’s the nicest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” So they went to lunch at a quiet little restaurant with a private table where they shared a bottle of wine and a lovely meal. On the way back to the offce, Sally leaned over and whispered, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go straight back to work, do we, boss?”

He responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Sally turned to him and said,

“Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” he nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake – followed by his wife, two kids, and ffteen of his friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy birthday”.

He just sat there, on the sofa, sobbing, naked and erect . . .

A man comes home early from work one evening to fnd his best friend in bed with his wife. Overcome by fury, he stabs him to death. His wife looks at him and shakes her head. “Keep that up, and pretty soon you’ll have no mates left!”

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?” “Yes there is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

I joined an online dating agency but my profle keeps getting rejected.

Apparently, “My dick” is not an acceptable answer to the question “What do you want most in a woman?”

A man joins an online dating agency and winds up going out on several dates that are very disappointing. So he emails the agency to complain. “Have you got someone on your books who doesn’t care what I look like or what job I have and has a nice big pair of tits?”

The reply comes back, “Yes, we do have one. It’s you.”

I met an incredible girl on the internet: smart, sexy and uninhibited. Of course, it turned out to be a ffty-fve-year-old bloke. Frankly, the sex was disappointing.

I was surfng the net when I came across an old fame on Friends Reunited. It had been years since we’d spoken and it really was great to catch up. We were getting on well and she suggested that we should meet up for old times’ sake. I was up for it and we arranged to meet up the following week. I can’t tell you how nervous and excited I was as my ‘date’ drew nearer. Now, to be honest, I’d let myself go a bit over the years and so thought I’d come clean. I phoned her and said “It’s only fair to warn you that I’m probably not quite how you remember me. I’ve lost most of my hair and have been indulging a little too much in the good life.”

To which she started to laugh and then said to me, “Oh, don’t worry! I’ve put on a few pounds myself!” Naturally I told her to fuck off.

I got an email today from a “bored housewife, thirty-ish, looking for some action!” So I sent her my washing. That will keep the bitch busy.