The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (86 page)

Two women are walking through a graveyard on their way back from a night out when they find themselves desperate for a pee. As there is no one around they drop their pants and take a leak behind a couple of gravestones. As they don’t have any tissue paper between them, one of the women wipes herself dry with her knickers while the second uses a wreath. The next day the two women’s respective husbands are in the pub comparing notes.

“I’m keeping an eye on my missus from now on,” says the first husband. “She went out last night and came back without any knickers on!”

The second replies, “You should worry! My wife came home with a card wedged half-way up her arse saying, ‘We’ll always miss you, from all the lads at the station.’”

Worse for wear after a heavy night on the piss, I awoke in a cemetery, where I saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “Morning.”

He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

A man goes into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. He catches her eye and, much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn’t take long before he is sitting on the stool next to her. They talk for about an hour over a couple of drinks, when the woman says to him, “You’re pretty cute. I’ll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?”

“That sounds great!” the man replies, barely able to believe his luck.

“Before we go up there, though,” the woman says, “I have to ask you one question: do you like doing it Greek style?”

“Well, I’m not exactly sure what that is,” the man answers, “but I’m willing to learn, let’s go!”

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get through the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. He can’t believe his eyes: she has an amazing body.

“Now you’re sure you want it Greek style?” she asks.

“Let’s do it, babe!” the man replies.

“All right, then,” says the woman. “Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on your hands and knees.”

He rips off his clothes and climbs on to the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets on to the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?”

“Yes! Yes!” pleads the man.

So she grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can’t move at all, his face is pressing right into her tits.

Again she says, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?”

The man’s muffed voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. “Yes!” he mumbles, “Greek style!”

The woman’s grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, “Georgiou!”

What is the defnition of a nice Greek boy?

One who takes his girl out twice before shagging her brother.

An unemployed man sees a notice for a gynaecologist’s assistant in the Aberdeen job centre. So he goes to the counter and asks for more details. They tell him that the job description involves preparation of the female patient for exam, including removal of her underwear, washing and shaving of her nether regions and applying oil to the shaved parts. He is also informed that the job carries a salary of £50,000 and that he should go to Plymouth.

He asks, “Why, is that where the job is located?”

“No,” comes the reply. “That is where the end of the queue is.”

What does a gynaecologist do when he feels sentimental? He looks up an old girlfriend.

What do the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?

They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

A gorgeous, voluptuous woman went to see a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and his professionalism immediately went out of the window. He told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”