The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (88 page)

They stink, they come in packs of twenty and they are banned from bars.

A boy came home from school and asked his father, “Dad, am I a Jew or am I a gypsy?”

“Why do you want to know, son?”

“Because a kid at school is selling a bike for thirty quid. Should I offer him fifteen or just steal it?”

Why do seagulls have wings?

To beat the gypsies to the tip.

What’s the difference between a gypsy and a traveller?

Political correctness.

“
I once got into a row with a gypsy and I was bricking it after he threatened to come back with his brother, his uncle and his cousin to find me and beat me up. Imagine my relief when they all turned out to be the same person.
”

What do gypsies do when the lights go out in their caravans?

They light the candles under their kids noses.

What does a gypsy get for his birthday?

Your bicycle.

L’Oreal has launched a new shampoo for gypsies. It’s called “Go and Wash”.

A woman goes to the doctor’s. “Doctor, I’ve got this problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you.” The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

“Well, what is it?” he asks.

“It’s a bit embarrassing,” she replies. “These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighis.”

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, “Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?”

The woman blushes and says, “Well, actually I have.”

“I thought as much,” says the doctor. “Tell your boyfriend his earrings aren’t made of real gold.”

A woman is at the undertaker’s arranging her late husband’s funeral.

The undertaker asks her: “Do you have any special requests?”

“Well,” says the widow, “he lost all of his hair when he was young and he never went anywhere without his toupee, but every time I try put it on his head it slides off.”

“No problem, I’ll sort that out for you. Come back in an hour,” says the undertaker. An hour or so later she returned and the toupee was perfectly placed on the dead man’s head.

“Oh, thank you so much,” she says, “you must let me give you something for your trouble and I won’t take no for an answer.”

The undertaker says, “All right, just give me a couple of quid for the nails.”

During his regular visit to the hairdresser’s, a man asked his barber if he had any tips on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confded that the best thing he’d come across was female juices. “But you’re balder than I am,” replied the customer. “You have a point,” admitted the barber, “but you have to admit I’ve got one hell of a moustache.”

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

So he could run his fngers through his hair.

A bald guy with a wooden leg was invited to a fancy dress party. He was very self-conscious about his baldness and his disability and didn’t quite know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg. He decided to send an email to a fancy-dress hire company to explain his predicament.