The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (91 page)

“It’s okay,” says the hitchhiker. “I was on my lunch break.”

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking from a music festival. A lorry stopped and he got a ride from a mean-looking trucker. After riding about thirty miles in silence, the youth finally said, “Well, aren’t you going to ask me?”

“Ask you what?” replied the lorry driver.

“If I’m a boy or a girl,” answered the youth.

“Don’t matter,” replied the trucker. “I’m going to fuck you anyway.”

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker, who climbs into the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he says to the driver, “What’s the monkey for?”

The driver says “I’ll show you,” and with that he smacks the monkey with the back of his hand, sending it rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his prick and proceeds to give the trucker a blow job. When he’s finished, the monkey zips him up again and jumps back up on the dashboard.

“See that?” says the trucker.

“Amazing!” says the hitchhiker.

“You want to try it?”

“Okay,” says the hitchhiker. “But don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!”

Two tramps were walking down the road and they see a squashed dead cat. One of them picks it and starts eating it. “Gross!” says the other, “I can’t believe you’re actually doing that!”

Twenty minutes later, his friend is on his hands and knees in the gutter, retching violently. His mate quickly gets down and starts gobbling up the puke.

“I thought you didn’t eat dead cat!” says the first tramp.

“Well, no, not when it’s cold I don’t!”

A homeless guy walks into a jeweller’s shop, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant is aghast and shouts: “Oi! Stop what you’re doing and get out!”

“You want to make your fucking minds up,” replies the tramp indignantly. “You’ve a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort.”

Knock, knock jokes. Completely wasted on the homeless.

What’s the best thing about dating a homeless female tramp?

It doesn’t matter where you drop her off.

Why did the homeless guy cross the road?

To get to the other cider.

A homeless guy is having a shag in the cemetery. Another homeless guy comes along and says, “Oi, can I have a go?”

“No,” he replies. “Fuck off and dig your own up.”

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a toothpick. The landlord obliges and the tramp leaves. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door and a third tramp. The landlord says, “Don’t tell me, you want a toothpick.”

“No, a straw,” says the tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it.

The tramp replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside. But all the good stuff’s already gone.”

I went out for a walk last night and I came across a tramp. It was cheaper than paying a prostitute.