The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (60 page)

     There are many kinds of men and women and I know it, always I know some of it, always more and more I know more of it. There are many that I know and they know it. There are many that I know and sometime I tell it, somehow, somewhere, all of it.
     There are many then now that I know, there are many then now that know I know it. Every one always is repeating the whole of them. Every one sometimes is a whole one to me.
     Always then I have known some, more and more I know more of them, more of men and women, more and more then always I know of the kinds there are of them.
     Every one has their own being in them, every one always is repeating the whole of them, they repeat it and I hear it and sometimes I get a whole one inside me from listening, looking feeling it. Sometimes I quickly understand it, sometimes I quickly tell it. This is now a history of the way some one did it, this is now a history of the way I understood it, this is now a history of the way I told this one the whole of it, the whole repeating always coming out of this one and the meaning of it, the being in it.
     Sometimes then I know many things of some one, always I am knowing more and more of such a one, this one is not ever then puzzling to me, everything is interesting, all is some history of some one but sometimes there is no interest in me to see a whole to some one, I go on knowing things of them, I talk and hear and remember all about such a one, there is no puzzling in me about such a one then for I am not then interested in understanding, there is a whole to such a one yes, there is sometime to me a whole to every one, I am seeing, hearing, feeling things and remembering things of such a one, there is no problem, no puzzled feeling about such a one then to me. This one then that I am now beginning a little to describe farther was such a one to me. I knew many things about this one, I remembered, I heard many things that were interesting, that were amusing, I remembered them, there was in me then no puzzling, there was nothing of a whole being in all of them to me, but I was not thinking of the whole being in them, they were interesting things to know about some one, everything is interesting to know about any one, everything is important to know about every one, but I was never puzzling about this one. All the things I knew were interesting I was not feeling any need of a whole being in this one, and then once I looked hard at this one and then there was a whole being always afterwards repeating to every one from this one after my telling all the being in this one, the whole being in this one, and this is very interesting.
     Always then I listen and come back again and again to listen to every one. Always then I am thinking and feeling the repeating in every one. Sometimes it happens that I have a complete history of some one, of the meaning of all the repeating in them the first time I look hard at them, mostly this is in me a slow thing, learning understanding, mostly I come back again and again to listen to the repeating in every one before they are a whole one, before there is to me a whole history of the being in them. Always I come back again and again, it has happened that sometimes I have had the whole history of some one the first time I looked long at them, mostly this is a slow thing, always even when understanding happens like with this one the first time of hard looking, always, then I go back again and again to listen, to fill in, to be certain. This then was what happened to this one in my learning, this is now a little a description.
     The nature in this one was not like any of those I have been just describing. Everybody who knew this one knew everything, there was no deceiving of any one by this one, everything in this one always was repeating to every one who ever listened to this one, and this one was not made up of pieces and none of the pieces dominating, this one had a very real bottom, a very real domination inside that one of that one's own being, the thing with this one was to understand the meaning of the repeating all the repeating this one was always doing. What was important was to have applied to this one completed understanding. This one was not puzzling really to any one, this one had nothing of the nature of the being that was always coming out as repeating hidden, it was all there, all always repeating, all always being dominated by the bottom being and all that then was needed was to understand the meaning, that was very interesting, that was what I did by one hard looking. This is now a little more description of this one.
     This one then as I was saying had it to have as being really the nature as dominating and every one that looked at or listened to or felt this one knew all of the repeating always telling over and over again all of the history of this one. This time then it was a question of understanding the meaning of the being in one.
     This now is very interesting in relation to the being in this one, whose learning, in me, I am soon now to be describing.
     There was then in the first one I was describing, all of the being always repeating but all the repeating any one knowing this one ever was hearing, feeling, seeing could be understood as meaning that this one was always giving all her loving to every one and always there was no place for her in living, always there was no place for her in living. Always every one felt this in her and always every one was explaining there being no place for such a one in living by specific good reasoning, always dimly every one had a little a puzzled feeling, always every one, really every one who ever knew this one was really sympathising, really believing because all of it was really there always repeating.
     Slowly then this one came to be a whole one in me. As I have said in writing, often, for many years some one is baffling, the repeated hearing of them does not make the completed being they have in them to any one. Sometimes many years pass in listening to repeating in such a one and the being of them is not a completed history to any one then listening to them, sometime then it comes out of them a louder repeating of that which before was not clear to anybody's hearing and then such a one is a completed being to some one listening to the repeating coming out of such a one, there is then to some one a complete history of such a one, this mostly comes slowly to the one who is learning the being of such a one, this was the history of learning the first one that I have been describing.
     The third one then of whose learning I am beginning now a description, this third one then I have been a little describing was very different from this first one, every one who ever knew or saw or heard of this one always knew all the repeating always coming out of this one, all the complete history of this one. No one ever knowing this one did not know all the repeating in this one but always there was in no one a complete understanding of the meaning of the being in this one, and this is now to be some description, description of the being in this one, description of the learning of the meaning of the being in this one, description of the telling of the knowing of the meaning in this one.
     As I was saying the first one I was describing always had then to every one the very best reason for there being no place for this one ever for living, no place ever for this one in living. This last one, the one I am now describing has with this first one some connection, always then this last one always had the best reasons for not realising the living being in living and every one always was always helping and no one ever was understanding for every one always was convinced of the good reasons this one had for not being able to realise real being in living and always this one was trying and always every one who saw this one was helping and this now is very interesting.
     As I was saying always every one knew the whole repeating of this last one, every one who ever knew this one really knew all the repeating coming out of this one, always then it was a question of meaning to make of this one a whole one inside one.
     Every one always is repeating the whole of them, some to every one who knows any one of such of them, some one repeating the whole of them so that every one who knows them hears the whole repeating in them. The important thing then with such a one for every one as I was saying knows with such a one that they are hearing all the repeating coming out of such a one, the important thing then with such a one so as to get such a one to be a whole one to any one seeing, feeding, hearing such a one, the important thing then is hearing, feeling, seeing all the repeating coming out from such a one is to realise the meaning of the being, it is not enough to realise all the repeating in such a one.
     This one that I have commenced describing had in being going at the same time asking and refusing, infinite tenacity in holding on to anything that was there to this one's seizing, always not really wanting what was being held so grimly by this one. Always then there was denying in this one, mostly one thinks of fundamental denying as skepticism, as evil acting, this was not so of this one, denying and trying holding with tenacious gripping was always there in this one. Always then every one who ever knew this one knew this as always repeating, tenacity in holding, desiring believing in religion, always every one who ever knew this one saw these always coming out as repeating, no one seeing it come out of this one as repeating had any realisation that always it led to denying, always to negation, that grasping and asking, opening and closing could not be the same movement in action without ending in denying everything, and both being completed expression of this being and always together there repeating and so neither coming to be really existing there was not in this one consciousness of struggling, always it was in this one then as denying always then there was in this one no reality of experiencing, never any stopping gripping to be asking, never stopping asking to be steadily gripping, always asking and gripping in the same repeating, always so ending in denying. The spirit of denying that comes to be the whole of such a one, there can be in such a one no real experiencing, a hand cannot be closed and open, it ends in such a one denying that a hand is really existing.
     As I was saying every one always is repeating the whole of them. Every one is repeating the whole of them, such repeating is then always in them and so sometime some one who sees them will have a complete understanding of the whole of each one of them, will have a completed history of every man and every woman they ever came to know in their living, every man and every woman who were or are or will be living, every man and every woman in each one's beginning, middle and ending, every man and every woman then who were or are or will be living whom such a one can come to know in living.
     Every one always is repeating the whole of them. This one that I am now describing always was repeating the whole being as every one always is doing. This one was not like the first one I was describing then, every one who knew this one heard, felt and saw all the being in this one always repeating, nothing of important being in this one was not loudly repeating.
     As I was saying I knew all the repeating in this one mostly from other people's telling, no one ever was understanding the meaning in the repeating, no one then was understanding the reason of this one never really realising being, never winning anything this one ever was really wanting. Every one, as I was saying was hearing, feeling and seeing clearly all the repeating there ever was to be ever coming out of this one to any one. There was never then in this one any repeating that every one who was ever hearing, feeling, seeing this one did not feel and see and hear in this one always all through their knowing this one. This one then mostly did not give to any one a puzzling feeling, everything was clear in this one to every one, everything in this one was clearly repeating to every one who ever was really listening, to every one who was hearing, seeing, feeling the repeating coming out of this one, the important thing then was understanding the meaning in the being of this one, always every one was hearing, feeling, seeing all the repeating there ever was in this one, it was seeing the meaning of all the being in this one that was interesting and this came to me then in one very hard looking at this one.
     Always then sometime each one comes to be a whole one in me, always then sometimes every one is a whole one to me. Everybody always then sometime is a real one to me. Every one then has always sometime their own being in them to me. Sometime then every one is a whole one to me, sometime then every one has a complete history for me. Always then sometime each one is a whole one to me.
     As I was saying every one who ever came to know this one really knew all the repeating in this one, no repeating in this one was not sounding loudly to every one whoever came to know this one. As I was saying I knew then all the repeating in this one a little from every one's telling, mostly it was not puzzling, every one evidently had been hearing all the repeating there ever was coming out of this one. As I was saying it was interesting but not overwhelmingly interesting for it was not puzzling, every one knew all the repeating in this one, the wanting in this one of believing, the desire of having believing, the tenacity in gripping everything this one ever was having, the feeling in this one for wanting everything with goodness in it, the not realising anything, every one then who ever knew this one knew the eagerness of desiring, the lack of succeeding, the tenacity in holding on to all possessing, every one then knew all these always repeating in this one, always it was in every one describing this one a describing of all these things in this one, there was then never any realising of how these things came to be this one, every one always was helping this one for always to every one there were such good reasons why this one should have much helping, some always were trying to loose the hold on possession, others always were trying to strengthen to desiring faith and goodness, always every one was helping, always no one was understanding that a little even very much strengthening of wanting believing or a little even very much weakening of holding possession of gripping could never in such a one have any real meaning, for always at the bottom this one was gripping and asking, always this one was opening and shutting the hands at the same instant of being and that always would make denying the only real thing in such a one's being, nothing else could ever really happen, never could there come the miracle of simultaneous opening and gripping.