The Letter (14 page)

‘I called round to see Rick yesterday.’ Tina looked at Linda but her fingers never left the keyboard.

Linda stopped fiddling with her typewriter ribbon and looked up at Tina. ‘Can I say something?’

‘Can I stop you?’

‘I hope you’re not thinking of going back.’

‘Of course not. Molly called round at the shop and asked if I would check up on him, that’s all. Said he was in a right state, but when I got there the place was immaculate and he even had a meal ready.’

‘He knew you were coming then?’

Tina grudgingly admitted that he had. ‘Yes, Molly told him, but even so, he looked fantastic and he’s stopped drinking.’

‘Hmm, how long for this time, I wonder.’

‘Stop it, Linda. He really is trying you know.’

‘Oh, I know. Just be careful, that’s all I’m saying.’

‘I’m calling round there tonight to pick up some more clothes so I’ll be able to see if it was just a one-off. He doesn’t know I’m going.’

‘Prepare to be disappointed then, Tina.’

The bell rang again and Tina returned the carriage with a defiant sweep of her wrist.

As Tina approached her former home, she reached into her handbag and pulled out her compact. She dabbed a little of the powder on her nose and then puffed up her hair with her fingers. When Rick answered the door he only opened it a little way and peered round.

‘Hello, Rick. I’m sorry to drop by unannounced, but I forgot to pick up some more clothes yesterday. Do you mind if I come in and collect them now?’

‘Tina. Of course, no problem, please come in.’

He looked furtively over his shoulder as he opened the door wider for Tina.

‘I’ve got company actually. Just a friend.’

Tina was momentarily stunned. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. If it’s inconvenient I can come back another time.’

‘Not at all, you’re here now. This is still your home, Tina.’

‘Well.....’

Just then a shrill voice rang out from the living room.

‘Who is it Rick?’

Rick hesitated. ‘Erm, it’s just Tina. She’s come to collect some more clothes.’

He turned to Tina. ‘That’s Julie. He hesitated before continuing. ‘Like I said, a friend.’

‘You don’t have to explain yourself to me,’ said Tina, a little stiffly.

‘I know, but I don’t want you to think I’ve jumped into bed with the first girl to come along.’

Tina found herself appalled at the thought. She couldn’t imagine Rick with another woman and the unexpected pang of jealously made her neck and face flush.

‘I’ll just go upstairs and get my stuff.’ In her haste, she tripped on the bottom stair and dropped her handbag. The contents spilled out on to the floor.

Rick bent down. ‘Here let me help you.’

Tina waved him away. ‘No, you get back to Judy.’

‘Julie,’ he corrected with a small smile. Was he enjoying her discomfort or had paranoia completely taken her over?

When Tina entered the bedroom, she noticed that the bed was made and everywhere was clean and tidy. She stole over to the bed and gently peeled back the eiderdown. She picked up what used to be her pillow and sniffed it deeply, like a wild animal trying to locate the scent of the enemy. It smelt familiar, comforting even and Tina felt the tears begin to well. She pulled herself together and grabbed some clothes from the wardrobe. She hurried down the stairs, but Rick was no longer in the hall. She could hear voices in the lounge so she gently pushed open the door and peered inside. Rick and Julie were sitting on the sofa together. He had his arm draped casually around her shoulders and she had her big blonde head resting on his chest. Tina could barely breathe.

‘I’m off now, Rick,’ she managed.

Rick jumped up, pushing Julie away as he did so.

‘I’ll see you out.’ He followed her into the hall. ‘Have you got everything you need?’

Everything I need is right here,
she thought, but she quickly came to her senses. Rick was a drunken bully who had belittled her, stolen from her, raped her, beaten her. She must stay strong.

He leant forward and kissed her gently on the cheek.

‘I’ll see you around then.’

Tina turned and left without another word, not trusting herself to speak.

It was the metallic taste in her mouth that had first alerted Tina. Then she went right off the taste of coffee and started feeling nauseous in the mornings, and when her period didn’t arrive her worst fears were confirmed. She had always wanted a baby and this news should have thrilled her, but to think it had been conceived in an atmosphere of hatred and brutality made her want to weep. She could imagine now how Chrissie must have felt when she found out she was pregnant and she felt an enormous empathy with her. Although Billy and Chrissie had clearly loved each other, their baby had not been planned either and she wondered if Rick would react in the same way Billy had. The thought filled her with panic, which was odd because Tina knew she would rather bring up a baby single-handedly than go back to Rick. It shouldn’t matter to her what Rick’s reaction would be.

The baby was due around Christmas time and when Tina was about five months gone, she knew she should really tell Rick that he was going to be a father. They had seen each other only occasionally during the past few months, but had been getting along better. More importantly, not a drop of alcohol had passed his lips. He was working on the buses again now and earning a decent wage. Tina sighed and contemplated her surroundings. Although the bedsit had brought her a degree of peace and solitude she was desperately lonely. She pined for Rick and the life they had once shared before his drinking had ruined everything. She didn’t belong in this place with its dour, mouldy decoration, musty smells and where the highlight of the week was sticking her Green Shield stamps into books. From time to time Tina allowed herself to imagine a life with Rick again and it made her heart quicken. She had made up her mind. It was time to tell him about the baby.

He was in the kitchen ironing his work shirts when Tina called round that evening. He was dressed in his bus driver’s uniform and Tina was immediately transported back to the giddy first days of their romance. He chatted away amiably whilst Tina put the kettle on.

‘I need to be at work by six, I’ve got an evening shift.’

‘Oh, right.’ Tina was disappointed. ‘Well, I have some news for you.’

He spat on the underside of the iron and pressed down hard on the collar of the shirt he was ironing.

‘What news?’ He picked up the shirt and arranged it on a coat-hanger.

‘Rick, could you please sit down for a minute?’

‘OK, sure. That was my last shirt anyway.’ He pulled up a chair and sat opposite Tina at the table. ‘What is it?’

Her mouth was suddenly devoid of all saliva. Unsure how Rick would react, she fiddled with the necklace at her throat. ‘Well, it’s best I just come out with it, I suppose.’

‘I wish you would,’ said Rick, glancing at his watch.

‘Maybe I’d better come back another time.’

He reached across the table and took her hand.

‘I’m sorry, Tina. Go on, what is it?’

Tina stood up and crossed the kitchen to stare out of the window. The back garden was neatly mowed and weed-free. A little stepping stone path weaved its way down to the compost heap at the bottom. The apple tree had just started to bear fruit and even though the bedding plants were past their best, the garden was a tranquil haven in the otherwise run-down back street. The brick wall surrounding the lawn ensured it was a safe environment for a child to play in and Tina thought there might even be room for a little slide. She had to get out of that bedsit.

She turned round to face Rick.

‘I’m pregnant.’

There was a long weighted silence before Rick covered his face with his hands and Tina noticed he was trembling as he stood up and went over to the sink to splash cold water on his face.

‘I can’t believe it, Tina,’ he finally managed. ‘I feel as though I’ve been kicked in the teeth. I’ve tried so hard over the past few months, I haven’t touched a drop, I’ve found a decent job, kept the house going and not once have I put pressure on you to come back. Every time I see you, it’s all I can do not to go down on bended knees and ask you to come back to me and all the time you’ve been seeing someone else. Why didn’t you tell me? Was it because you thought I would start drinking again if I knew there was no hope of you returning?’

Tina’s brow furrowed as she tried to take in what Rick was saying. ‘Rick, I’m
five
months pregnant. The baby is yours.’

Slowly Rick’s features lifted, his eyes cleared and his mouth pulled into a wide, disbelieving grin.

‘What? Oh my God, Tina. Are you sure?’

Rick scooped her up, spun her round and then put her down as he remembered her condition.

‘I’m sorry. I just can’t believe it.’ He pointed at her stomach. ‘May I?’

Tina smiled and nodded. Rick gently placed his hand round her middle and pressed gently.

‘I can’t feel anything.’

‘Well, it’s a bit early.’

Rick pulled out a kitchen chair and guided Tina into it. ‘When is it due?’

‘Christmas.’

‘That’s wonderful. I can’t believe this,’ he said again. He slid into the seat opposite Tina at the table and took her hands in his. ‘What happens now?’

She shook her head and looked down at the table. ‘It can’t be like it was before,’ she whispered.

‘It won’t be,’ he implored. ‘I’m a different person now.’ He squeezed her hands harder. ‘You are my priority now, you and that baby. I promise you everything’s going to be alright. I love you, Tina.’

She withdrew her hands and cupped them round her husband’s face. ‘I love you too, Rick.’

It was true. In spite of everything, she had never stopped loving him.

Chapter 12

When Tina awoke the next morning it took her a few moments to realise where she was. She propped herself up on her elbows and blinked in the darkness. Then it all came flooding back. She was home. Rick was still soundly asleep beside her as she heaved herself out of bed and went downstairs to put the kettle on. She was wearing one of Rick’s shirts which was far too big for her, but as she gazed out of the window she felt a flutter deep within her belly. She didn’t know if it was the baby or the butterflies of sheer excitement because she was back home with the man she loved. She did not hear Rick approach until he wrapped his arms around her from behind.

‘Gosh, you made me jump.’ She turned round to face him and smiled. He leant forward and kissed her gently on the lips.

‘Sleep well?’ he asked as he moved his hands to the back of her neck underneath her long hair and kissed her more deeply. She responded hesitantly, but did not pull away. They had spent the night just lying in each other’s arms and Rick had been content with that, but now it seemed he wanted something more. Just as she began to relax a little and enjoy her husband’s tender touch for the first time in years, he pulled away and picked up the kettle.

‘Do you want a brew?’

‘Erm, yes please.’ She wrapped the shirt tightly round herself, folded her arms across it to keep it closed and sat down at the table huffily.

Rick smiled. ‘Don’t be like that, Tina. We’ve both got to get to work. Now, do you want any help moving your stuff back tonight? I’ve volunteered to do an extra shift so I won’t be finished until six, but after that I’m all yours.’

Tina tried to reconcile this new Rick, the one who volunteered to do extra shifts, with the lazy, work-shy one she had known before. ‘No, it’s alright. I’ve only got one small suitcase, I’ll manage.’ The truth was she really didn’t want Rick to see where she had been living.

*

Tina broke the news to Linda at the office. As she had feared, her friend was unsupportive.

‘You are doing what?’ she exclaimed.

Tina carried on typing and could not bring herself to look at her friend. ‘He’s changed, Linda, he really has.’

‘He’ll destroy you. Once a drunk, always a drunk.’

‘You’re not being fair, Linda. People can change and besides there’s something else.’

‘What?’ demanded Linda.

‘I’m pregnant.’

Linda leant back in her chair, her hands clasped behind her head. ‘Jesus. He’ll destroy both of you then.’

‘Linda, how can you be so cruel? I want you to be happy for me.’

Linda began shuffling some papers on her desk. ‘Look out, here comes Mr J.’

Both girls fell silent as he went by, casting a knowing glance.

‘Look,’ said Linda when he was safely out of sight, ‘let’s go for a drink after work and talk about it then.’

‘You won’t make me change my mind.’

‘Maybe not. But I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try.’

The pub was crowded with early drinkers and the air was already thick with smoke. They found a relatively quiet table in the corner and Linda brought over the drinks. Tina had already nipped back to the bedsit to collect her things and felt conspicuous carrying her little suitcase.

‘Lager and black,’ Linda said, putting the drink down in front of Tina. The packet of pork scratchings she carried between her clenched teeth made her words muffled. She opened her mouth and the greasy little packet fell on to the table.

‘Lovely,’ said Tina, pushing the packet back towards Linda. ‘Just what I feel like, dried pieces of oily pigs’ skin.’

‘Give ‘em here then, I’ll have them.’ Linda opened the packet and the salty, greasy aroma filled the air.

Tina covered her nose with her hands. ‘I think I’m going to be sick.’

‘Tina, you’re so dramatic,’ chastised Linda. ‘Have a drink and stop moaning.’

Tina smiled at her friend’s directness as she picked up her glass. ‘I think I read somewhere that drinking alcohol while pregnant can harm the baby,’ mused Tina, taking a sip. ‘Do you think that’s true?’

‘I think that’s the least of your worries. That baby is going to be brought up with a brute for a father, a drunken bullying brute who has clobbered you on numerous occasions and each time you make excuses for him.’

‘He’s only ever hit me when he’s been drinking.’

‘There you go again. That makes it alright, does it?’