The Kingdom Land (34 page)

“
No, I sometimes wish that it would
be that easy—to just get mad at Him and give up, like canceling a
subscription to a magazine or something. Just tell Him I don't want
to be part of His club any longer, but God has been too good to me
to just say He doesn't matter anymore. There was a time I had to
decide if I wanted to keep following Him, but that was a time back.
There's no turning back now. It just seems all vague out there. No
answer from God. No hope for tomorrow. I'm just breathing, that's
all. I'd put all my hopes and dreams in going to Havre.”

“
Do you think that maybe one of the
problems was putting your hopes in an event rather than in
Him?”

“
You're playing word games with me.
I was putting my hope in Him, thinking that He wanted me to go to
Havre. Now it seems like maybe He couldn't pull it off.”

“
Or maybe He had different plans. I
have no idea, Erik. I'm not about to say what God's plan for you
might be. But if I were you I wouldn't be too quick to say His
plans still can't be worked out. The only way His plans will ever
be fulfilled is if you don't abandon them by abandoning Him. You've
told me before that you felt your mom abandoned you and your dad
because she wanted more than you both had to offer. Well, don't
abandon God because He hasn't acted like you expected Him to act.
If you abandon God when He doesn't act like you hoped, all you're
saying is you don't like what He offers that day,” John
concluded.

“
You're right, again,” Erik
conceded. “This is just so unexpected. I had everything so figured
out, but I never figured this could have happened. I know God. You
know that I do, but I never expected this.”

“
Erik, before I asked you if you
felt you were strong enough to make it by yourself in Havre. Now
you need to ask yourself if you're strong enough to stay here and
still believe He can work here.”

“
I was strong enough when you asked
me, but now it's all different. Now there's no chance to leave. I
have to face surgery and who knows what after that. I'm stuck.
About the only strength I have is to wake up tomorrow.”

“
That's a start. What if God wanted
you to stay here in Fairfield and work on the farm and make a life
here? What if He had dreams for you here?”

“
You mean God took my eyesight to
make me stay?”

“
No, God didn't do this. Don't even
entertain that thought. This happened because it did. People get
sick in this world. It happens to everyone, Christian or not. What
I mean is that God is big enough that He still has dreams for you
and those dreams are even better than you could imagine. Could you
cooperate in that plan by still giving Him a place here or do you
think He can't reach you in Fairfield?”

“
Something good here?” Erik asked,
skeptical.

“
Yeah, to have things you were so
excited about come true here on the farm. You dreamt to make a
mark, to find a wife, to have a child and build your own home. That
can happen here. Your tomorrow didn't end just because the trip to
Havre didn't come off. Who knows what the future holds? You didn't
expect this to happen. Give room for unexpected good things to
happen.”

“
But, I can't even work the farm if
I'm blind.”

“
If you're blind. No one said that
it's certain. You're only thinking the worst. There's going to be
surgery Friday. Let God still work through that surgery, and
remember the doctor said there was a chance your other eye would
stay good.”

“
A chance. My chances haven't gone
very well lately.”

“
Erik, hold onto that chance. You're
a dreamer, now dream. Don't let this be an end because you can no
longer dream. Now you have the Lord of the universe to give legs to
those dreams.”

“
But it seems so
hopeless.”

“
If my whole life hinged on the
outcome of one last bet, I'd sure bet on my Lord and His dreams for
me. He's the surest thing around, even when you can't see His
working.”

“
I guess I don't really have a
choice, do I? I'd run or go someplace else if I had a choice, but
there's no place to go, and no one who would take me if I got
there. I'll hope in Him, but that's all I can do. I'll hope, but I
can't say I believe yet.”

Erik wasn't over-confident. He had heard things
before and had determined things in his mind before. Later those
decisions were tested. Now the test was stronger and he didn't know
if he was strong enough. He was the one who had lost his sight, and
he was the one whose life would hinge on that bet. Was God big
enough and still caring for Erik's life? Now he could only wait to
see the outcome.

 

 

Chapter
Thirty-Two

T
wo months
passed since Erik first learned of his eye problems. He had the
surgery and his good eye developed bleeders soon after and it too
required the same surgery. The time had come and gone for him to go
to school and he hadn’t. The doctors were supposed to know what the
outcome of the surgery was by now, but they didn’t. Erik was
supposed to be able to see out of his bad eye, but he
couldn’t.

His eyes were still filled with the remnants of the
hemorrhage. Some of the weaker vessels had been removed so there
was the chance the blood would naturally drain from the eye over
time. However, there was the question of whether the blood would
drain or new blood would leak from new bleeders. There was also the
question on how much damage the center of the retina had sustained.
If the damage was too severe, even if no blood was present, there
might be no sight.

As the doctor had stated, the procedure was new and
no guess could be made as to its outcome. The one emotion that was
constantly with Erik was uncertainty. He knew only of that day. He
knew that the time for school to start had passed, and that there
was no sight in his eyes. As for tomorrow, it was hidden along with
his vision.

It had been a shock at first when the second eye
became as the first. It seemed as if his fears were realized and
his hopes dimmed along with his sight. Then he rationalized that
the second eye shouldn’t have been a surprise. He knew the
possibility of blindness all too well, and it might well have been
his own fault for not having the eye cared for earlier. The doctor
had talked of his prospects in terms that sounded much like the
odds of horse racing. Erik didn’t listen to the doctors any longer.
He only relied on what he could or could not see. He could not see
tomorrow so he did not trust it.

Days had passed since the first news of his eyes, and
so had many of the emotions. He no longer was held in shock by the
news. It was impossible to come to grips with the future since the
future was so unknown. He tried to think of a plan or possibilities
for the rest of his life, but there were no avenues to be found. He
knew that he simply could not feel sorry for himself the rest of
his life. At the same time, he did not know what the rest of his
life would look like if his vision was completely lost.

He had begun to spend a considerable amount of time
by the large oak tree that stood next to the coulee. He spent time
with people also; he talked with the Coopers and John about what
would happen now. Even the people of Fairfield and former
classmates would make the drive to the Coopers farm to wish Erik
well and give him cards that said the same. Laurie looked somewhat
guilty when she came by, as if she should have given Erik more of a
chance. Erik quickly ended that conversation since he didn’t want
anyone to feel sorry for him. He felt sorry enough for himself, he
didn’t need anyone to add to it.

Erik had no reason to feel alone in what he was going
through since there were many people coming to him. Yet, at the
same time, he was aware that he must go through this time
absolutely alone. The word “loneliness” could not be used to
describe his present condition. The stark reality of living in a
world without sight was beyond an over-used abstraction. He was
simply alone. The prayers and help of the people were necessary,
but the reality was only his. Only he could experience waking up in
the morning and not being able to focus on the walls.

The Coopers had given him a cassette player and
Scripture tapes that covered most of the Bible. This gift might
have seemed premature since he still had vision in his one eye, but
that vision was fading and the small print Bible that he had worn
out for the past two years quickly tired his eye. He played those
tapes for hours, and had begun to memorize portions of their
content. However, there came a time when he even had to turn the
cassettes off.

The Scripture had been a source of strength and hope
and understanding, but even those words could not make answers for
him. Only his belief in those words, not just their printing, would
bring reality to Erik. He knew the reality of losing his sight. Now
he had to accept the reality of what he could see, not only with
his eyes, but with his heart. He needed belief if those words were
to mean anything.

He remembered Laura many times. He knew her problem.
He knew that she had shut out God because of her feelings of guilt.
Now for Erik it was hard to not feel isolated with his blindness.
He remembered John’s words of warming that Laura risked losing her
joy of His presence if she didn’t lay aside blaming herself for
what had happened, and feeling guilty for turning her back on God.
Now Erik had to lay aside the disappointment of an unfulfilled
future.

As he sat once again by the big oak at an hour
approaching evening, Erik thought over his life. There were no
highlights that would make his life notable. There were those
football games in high school, but those were for a little school
in a small town. Besides that, there was nothing other people could
see. Everything that had been impressive in his life had happened
inside, in his spirit. No one else could see how God had touched
him in that pickup. No one would have noticed God with him on Chief
Mountain and the depth of Erik’s convictions. No one even knew of
his thoughts and feelings for Laura. Everything that made a
difference could not be seen with eyes, but only felt with the
Spirit.

He thought over the times when he rode the tractor,
lay on his bed, or walked the meadows of the coulee. At those times
he had added color and vitality to this bland, colorless land.
Those times had nothing to do with what he saw, but what he
believed God had created. God had created within him an imagination
to dream. He remembered driving the tractor through clouds of dust
as he had sat at the wheel shouting as a pastor addressing the
assembled congregation. There were the times when he had gone to
the alkali lake and skipped rocks over the lifeless water. At that
moment, it wasn’t lifeless water; it was the sea with waves
breaking to the beaches. There were times when he would go to the
highest point on the farm and look for miles over the wheat-filled
strips and barbed wired fences, but to his inner eyes they were not
filled with dust. He was on his mountain amidst the mountain
meadows. Somehow Erik had built a kingdom out of the dreams of
God’s promised fulfillment, and he did not see the desolation, but
desolation brought to beauty and life.

As he reflected, his first thoughts were of how
foolish he had been. They were only dreams and they had taken him
nowhere. He had spent years visiting those dreams. Yet, somehow,
they encircled him that day.

He reasoned they were fantasies and nothing else. He
knew they would be erased as soon as the next gust of wind brought
dust to his face. They were mirages that were common in the summer
sun, but empty to the touch. He thought more and he prayed.

“
Christ I’ve held my dreams as if
they were real and I know they weren’t. It’s strange because as I
look at those fantasies it makes me realize how real You are. I
know the fantasies and I know Your presence and they share nothing
in common. I guess because I can see the façade I can easy identify
the unmovable. My home in You is real. My hope in You will never be
erased with the next gust of problems. Your beauty goes before this
land. This land is almost not fit to be inhabited, but my life is
not this land. It is Your hope. I saw Laura wrestle with that hope
as if it had been left behind, but I also saw that hope never leave
her life. I can no longer see the details of this farm, but I will
always see the beauty of Your life. You have transformed my life. I
will always look to Your land. I will see the Kingdom You have
established within my heart.”

He remembered that
Paradise Lost
quote that
his uncle had used: ‘The mind is its own place; in itself it can
make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven’.

“
The poet’s wrong,” Erik thought.
“The difference isn’t how a person’s mind perceives the world. The
mind can make you think things you don’t believe. The difference is
seeing the Ruler of the land. The difference is Who rules my world.
My life can be either the reality of this empty land, or the
paradise of my Father’s Kingdom. I can’t make this land a paradise.
His life within me can.”

Erik thought of his uncle’s hope in the farm. The
farmer couldn’t leave the land because of a few years of drought.
The farmer gave so much of himself to the land that there never was
a thought that the land would not return its harvest. His hope was
for the rains of next season