The Kingdom Land (27 page)

He knew he would never be on one of them. Years
earlier, Erik accepted his place as an outcast and maybe even
preferred it. He never wanted to be one of them. Now it gave him a
sense that maybe things would never be different. He trusted God,
but the people of Fairfield weren’t so forgiving. John had told
Erik earlier to keep it simple and simply love God and his
neighbor. Now Erik began to realize how complex a task that would
be.

During the two years after Laura’s death, he also got
involved with another girl. It was a natural progress if you were
single and part of the church to date someone from the church. It
was expected that a man in his mid-twenties would be looking to
start a family. Of course Erik wanted a family, but with the people
of Fairfield it was viewed as a task rather than a desire. Erik
could sense it even with the ladies his age and it seemed to warp
the whole idea of a family.

The girl he met was named Laurie. It was more than
chance that he was attracted to someone with a name so close to
Laura. Occasionally, he would even slip and call Laurie “Laura”,
but he would always cover it up as if he had merely mispronounced
Laurie’s name. Very few people remembered Laura so he was safe.

But Laurie would never be Laura. Laurie lacked
something. She was very nice and very pleasant, but there was
something missing. Excitement might be the word Erik would have
used to explain the difference between the two girls. Maybe a
better word would be adventure. There was no adventure with Laurie,
only life in Fairfield.

Laurie had been part of the church and a Christian
for as long as she could remember. She had never smoked, nor drank,
and would never think of swearing. Erik didn’t find this a fault,
but Laurie had just never done anything. She had never done
anything good or bad. She was just part of Fairfield, as plain as
the plains themselves.

When a person looked north of Fairfield, he would see
neat strips of fields uniformly cut into the earth. These fields
were patterned without break or alteration. The same was true of
Laurie. Her life was a perfect pattern. Her clothes were perfectly
pressed, her manners, her conversation, even her fingernails that
she polished every morning were made to be perfectly uniform. At
times Erik almost hated to stand next to her in fear that his
imperfections would be even more obvious. Certainly it wasn’t a
fault that Laurie had lived such a Christian life her whole life.
Erik wished that he could have known and followed Christ and missed
all the despair that had been his companion without Christ. It
wasn’t a fault in Laurie, but it was a difference from Erik.

In many ways they were an odd couple, but a couple by
necessity. There were only a small number of unmarried Christian
women in a town the size of Fairfield. Certainly Erik would be
expected to date a Christian. For Laurie, there were even fewer
Christian men, and she could not fathom being with an unbeliever.
Erik knew that if he wanted to be involved with a girl, it would be
Laurie.

Erik actually had few real “dates” with Laurie. He
remembered once going to have dinner and meet her parents at
Laurie’s house. In the best of situations it was hard for anyone to
feel examined by his girlfriend’s parents and that seemed to be the
purpose of the first dinner. To Erik, the ritual was
unbearable.

As he pulled in front of the house he could already
feel his throat tighten with nerves. As he walked up the steps he
wondered if he could merely bow out by saying he was sick. That
statement seemed more reality than excuse as he knocked on the
door.

Laurie and her mother, Elizabeth, met Erik at the
door. Of course, he had met the Simonsons before in church, but he
had never really had a conversation with them. There had been the
courtesy “hellos”, but no long conversations. Now he visited in
their home, but he felt more a stranger than a guest. As he looked
around, his first thought was he didn’t know there were houses like
this in Fairfield. On the outside all the wood framed houses were
very similar. As he entered the Simonson’s home, the fine décor
made him feel like he should be the delivery boy rather than
Laurie’s friend.

The dining room was an actual dining room and not
just an extension of the kitchen, as in the Coopers’ farm. A large
China closet showed colors of fine polished wood and Erik hoped he
did not need to eat off one of the fine plates it housed. He knew
he would break it if he touched one. A chandelier drew Erik’s eyes
to the center of the room and its warm tones were accented with lit
candles on the table. The room was perfect and beautiful. Erik knew
he wasn’t either.

The conversation started fine as Laurie’s dad, Jake,
asked Erik about the farm and his aunt and uncle. Erik’s responses
were short and only filled in the needed information. A witness at
a trial is asked only to respond to the question and to not add any
unnecessary facts. That evening Erik felt very much as one on the
witness stand.

Because Erik’s answers were so quick and to the
point, the round of conversation was over in a short time. Erik
searched his mind to add a comment to carry his end of the
conversation. He made several attempts to ask Mr. Simonson about
how his auto dealership was doing. Both men spoke a different
language so the conversation was short. They both spoke English,
but their lives were so dissimilar that a common interest could not
be found.

The attempts soon failed and the conversation
switched to include only the family and Erik was certainly not a
part of this family. It was as if the four people were playing
double’s tennis, but Erik never was given an opportunity to move
his racket, let alone return the ball.

By the time Mrs. Simonson had removed the soup bowls
and brought to the table a store bought ham, Erik knew he was
doomed to silence. He realized there was no way he could add to the
comments. By then Mr. Simonson had attempted to bring Erik into the
talk by asking him more questions. Erik stumbled on even a simple
sentence and he resigned himself to looking busy with the food. He
could almost literally feel himself pulling away from the table and
the conversation.

The high point of the evening was the relief when it
ended. The parents were genuinely warm and appreciative of Erik
coming. Laurie walked Erik to the gate of their house, and thanked
him for coming. Erik knew he would never be invited back and he did
not regret that thought.

It wasn’t that the Simonsons weren’t fine, warm
people. It wasn’t that Laurie was some lifeless figure without care
or emotion. She was very good towards Erik. At the same time she
had little in common with Erik except for Christ and the need for
companionship. This fact was very obvious whenever they were alone.
They had little to talk about and the air would soon become thick
with the tension of silence. Erik would attempt to come up with
something to say, but usually what he had to offer came out as only
silly babble. It was obvious he was trying too hard.

As with any man of his age, Erik wanted to be with
someone. Laurie was someone, but her patterned life didn’t allow
for Erik. Erik finally found himself turning back to his dreams.
They were not dreams of the barmaid, but of some girl that he had
not yet met who could share his life with him. He dreamt of someone
who would go fishing with him at the beaver dams as he had with his
father and who would make conversation important and easy.

Soon he began to hold to these dreams more than to
Laurie. Since there was so little to hold them together, they
simply drifted apart. There were no arguments nor fights. They
simply spent less and less time together until they never saw each
other except at church services. They both knew after the dinner
this would happen. Both continued on with their expected roles. It
seemed Laurie was as willing to let the relationship go as
Erik.

Erik wasn’t sad to see the relationship end. He
sensed he was cheating on Laura’s memory when he dated Laurie. He
knew it was silly to think such thoughts, and he knew if it
continued he would never have a chance for a real relationship. His
memories for Laura were strong enough that he didn’t know what harm
they might bring. Laura would never be replaced.

And the other people’s gossip and whispers grew
louder.

Erik spent less and less time with people until he
finally began to avoid them as he had in the past. There was little
room for an unmarried man in the social circles of the church in a
town like Fairfield. That fact was obvious and Erik knew it by the
stares. He didn’t spend time with non-Christian acquaintances
anymore since he had even less in common with them. It would have
been easier if he had had friends before, but he hadn’t. It left
little place for Erik.

Erik didn’t help this situation either. He still
didn’t feel at ease with people. He remembered all too well the
abandonment he had received. He found himself talking to Christ in
the solitude of his bunkhouse room, but no one else.

Erik, after these two years had passed, no longer
doubted Christ’s reality or love. His Bible studies and time alone
had cemented that relationship to a level he had never thought
possible. Those times alone with Christ were more precious than any
daydream he had in the past. At the same time there was a gnawing
reality. He had begun his Christian walk dedicated to healing his
relationship with other people. That part of his life was still
very much incomplete. He had the sense to know that his faith meant
little unless it also meant being part of other people’s lives.
That had never been easy for Erik and it was no easier now.

There had been the rains of Christ’s blessing, but
Erik wondered if too if he had lost much of his heart to the past
floods of despair.

There had been a time when he reached out, but then
those whispers started and Laurie left, and he slowly felt himself
slipping back to his solitude. It was almost a literal sense of
slipping down a mountain some days as he fought his loneliness. It
was like a man desperately thirsty in the desert coming to a pond.
It only made sense to drink from that pond, but what if the water
was bad? What if it was worse than the thirst itself? That man
would have to decide if it was better to be thirsty or to take a
chance on the water. Erik could not find the strength within
himself after these years to trust people and to drink of their
companionship. His fear of being abandoned again was too great.

Certainly, the Coopers had attempted to bring him
into their family and show their love to Erik. At the same time
they all knew, including Erik, that too much had happened in the
past to simply come together as a real family. His aunt and uncle
tried to have him move back to the house. They thought this would
be a step to being a family and bring normalcy for Erik. Erik would
not accept and always had some excuse to not insult them. It would
be harder for Erik to allow the Coopers parenthood. He still wanted
to be a Winters and he still wanted his solitude.

Erik knew they loved him. He had
been forced on them. They didn’t ask for him. He was left there by
Children’s Services. Accepting someone from Children’s Services and
loving them were two different things. No amount of words or
explanation would change that fact. Erik was just different from
them.
Maybe I’m different from
everyone,
Erik thought, sometimes
aloud.

Besides, he told himself that he wasn’t like these
people; not like any of them. They were Fairfield, and nothing good
was ever in Fairfield. Even though Erik had left the mountains to
return to the prairie, he knew he was not part of that town. He was
going to leave Fairfield someday and become someone. Erik realized
his inability to be part of other people’s lives was a problem he
needed to solve. He knew the fact, but he never acknowledged just
how much it kept him from the healing the Lord had to offer.

It was an odd sound to hear at the beginning of July.
Erik lay in his bed just before the alarm usually rang and he began
to hear the distinct sound of raindrops hitting the metal roof. It
began as a few faint taps that Erik didn’t know if he heard or
imagined. Then the taps came steady and pronounced. Finally a loud
clap of thunder left no doubt that a summer rainstorm had visited
the prairie land. It was an unusual sound because the taps were
constant with a soothing rhythm. This was the sound of an April
storm that was so welcomed by the farmers as it built a foundation
for the coming year. This was July and it seldom rained in July,
and when it did, it was violent and quick, not the gentle tapping
he heard with this rain.

It was a pleasant sound to Erik. It had been a while
since he had heard rain, and ever since he could remember that
sound always brought laughter to the Cooper farm. He wanted to lie
in bed as long as possible and just hear those drops tap the
ceiling and bring life to the farm.

The long drought spell had broken last year and the
crops were respectable. A farm that had kept the fields plowed and
ready for rain had broke even, and the banks readily gave out loans
for next years seed and diesel. This spring’s rain was widespread
with the fields starting strong. With this rain, there might even
be hope for a bumper crop. Erik did not take pleasure in this land,
as did Uncle Henry. His whole life did not revolve around the
success or failure of the wheat. At the same time, there was no
escaping the pleasant sound of life being brought to the land and
the harvest it would mean. Erik didn’t participate in this joy as
completely as his aunt and uncle, but the tap, tap, tap, tap sound
of rain hitting the bunkhouse tin roof still made him feel warm and
secure as he heard it. It was a pity he couldn’t fully participate
in the joy of the rain, but still it brought warmth to his
heart.