The Kingdom Land (30 page)

“
At the same time do something for
me. Don't cut the Coopers out of this move. Tell them what you're
telling me. Ask for their advice and let them help. They've helped
you when your were smart enough to ask for help. Don't cut them off
now. Let them know that you still need them, and that you always
will. You owe that to them. That can be a start for you if you
decide to let Christ help paint a new life for you. You've cut them
out of your life too much. It's nonsense to be able to tell me so
much, and not be able to confide with those closest to you. It's
maybe natural, but it's still nonsense.”

“
Yeah, I'll talk with them,” Erik's
tone was not negative because he was reluctant, but because he knew
he was guilty for waiting this long to do it. Still, he was too
excited about what the future held to not tell the Coopers. John
was right. He owed them that. Finally all those things he had
dreamed about for years now had the possibility of actually
happening. This was not just a dream. It was a plan with a purpose
and, hopefully, a happy ending.

“
Yes, the Lord is faithful and He is
good, and has done so much for me. He gave me strength when I
didn't even know it, and now it is time to put it into practice.”
Erik's hand slapped the side of his jeans to brush off the dirt.
The jeans had been dirty all day, but he only noticed the dirt as
he rose to leave.

 

 

 

Chapter
Twenty-Eight

E
rik picked
the Friday evening meal to have his talk with the Coopers. That
meal was the most relaxed of the week, but at this point no one was
relaxed.. His plans had progressed to a point that he could taste
the reality of the move. His excitement overshadowed any nerves.
Besides, he had made the decision to view things differently. He
had decided to attempt to at least try something new and openly
talk about his feelings. If he could talk to John he owed it to the
Cooper’s to be upfront with them. The Coopers certainly weren’t
scary or judgmental people.

“
What do you think about me going to
school in Havre?” Erik knew of no other way to start the
conversation than to get to the point.

“
I thought it was kind of a past
topic,” Mary answered. “What is there to think since you’ve already
made up your mind?”

Erik was surprised, but prepared for the question. He
had thought many times of the answer. “I didn’t mean to make that
decision without you and Uncle Henry,” he said as his fork paused
in mid-air. “It’s just that I’m not totally used to talking things
out. But what do you think?” And he took a bite and waited
expectantly.

“
Well, it could be a very good
idea,” Henry allowed. “It depends on why you’re going.”

“
I’m going to learn a trade to move
to the West Coast eventually.”

“
What do you want to find on the
coast?” Henry asked.

Erik let his fork rest on his plate. “I want to find
my own job and maybe start a shop someday. Get a house and start
making something of myself. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find someone to
get married to. I just want to go someplace where the odds aren’t
against me and there’s a chance to do something of my own. I want
to go someplace that gives me a chance.” With a little nod, Erik
picked up his fork again. He hoped his words, and his voice, had
conveyed his firmness. He had thought through this decision.

“
You haven’t been anyone here in
Fairfield, and you don’t have a chance?” It was Mary’s turn to
question.

“
Sure, I’m someone, but I’m just
here. Nothing changes here. I haven’t had a chance to do any of
those things I’ve always wanted. I’ve never had a chance to make my
dreams come true.”

“
I’m sure you’ve had a lot of
dreams.” a smile crept over Henry’s lips as he said those words.
“You know if it was twenty five years ago I would swear that it was
your dad talking. He also had a lot of dreams, Erik; only he never
had the ability to stick to those dreams. He talked a lot about
them, much more than you’ve ever talked. But he was never able to
follow though. I’m not sure what you think of your dad, but in many
ways you’re just like him. It’s amazing how little you were around
him, but how much you’re like him.

“
Erik, the only way you’re going to
make your dreams come true is if you stick to the Lord and allow
Him to work through you. It’s not enough to just have dreams, or
plans for that matter. You need His strength to back you up. If
not, Erik, that world out there that is so exciting to you—will eat
you up.”

This was the first time that Henry had even mentioned
Erik’s dad to him. The talk, however, seemed completely natural in
its timing. It was as if Erik had come of age. Even if he was now
twenty-four, it had never been time before. Before this he was
still too young. It was as if Erik was receiving his first
recognition as an equal. Erik somehow sensed the significance of
the fact, and said nothing to stop the conversation.

Henry shifted his weight so he was looking straight
at Erik. “If you can allow the Lord access to your plans, I don’t
see a thing wrong about going to Havre and wherever after that. But
if you’re going just because of some fantasy about the big world
out there, it’ll be about three days before you’re back here on the
farm. Your dad never had a chance to teach you about growing up.
Maybe ‘cause he never did. But I can tell you one thing. The Lord
is great in fulfilling promises. However, there can be a lot of
difference between a dream and a promise. You’ve got to have His
promise to make your dreams come true.”

Mary listened quietly and observed. As she looked at
Erik she remembered his dad, Jimmie, and their walks to school. She
thought of his nightmares and later his excitement as Maggie came
into his life and they became married. Jimmie was full of dreams
then. Then Maggie left him, and his heart never seemed to feel
again. She feared the same thing would happen to Erik if this dream
in Havre was an illusion.

At the same time, she realized this was personal to
her and Henry. As she looked around the kitchen, the normal
gathering place for countless conversations, she saw consistency.
Those were the same kitchen cabinets that were in the house since
it was built. The phone that carried calls from friends and
doomsayers, with words of joy and sadness and even boredom, was
attached on the wall close enough to the table that its long cord
could be extended to anyone without their getting up from their
place. The table itself was oversized to accommodate farm hands and
family, but it never seemed too big to huddle at one end to share
their hopes and fears or the comfort of simply talking about
nothing important. So much had happened in this kitchen, but every
spoon and dish and kitchen utensil was at the exact same spot each
day. Now there was going to be change. Erik was no longer going to
be part of their home.

Erik had been part of their lives for the past eleven
years. Erik was right that nothing ever changed on the farm. To
Erik that was a curse. To Mary that was her comfort. It was hard to
even imagine their lives without Erik at the breakfast table. He
was their child. It would not be easy to lose that part of their
lives and disturb their comfortable nest. She knew that she was
being selfish, but she was only being honest. She loved her life
and her home. Somehow she now felt a hint of failure that she had
never been able to make Erik feel the same.

“
One other thing,” Henry was saying,
“you’re going to have to rely on the Lord to make it. You’re also
going to have to start relying on other people. To look to the Lord
for help is to also look to other people. We all know you aren’t
very good at that, but it’s about time to start. You don’t have a
choice anymore. When you leave, there’ll be no old bunkhouse to
crawl into.

“
When you get into a jam, and you
will, don’t just crawl into a hole and hope that the Lord will get
you out of it. Pray like everything that the Lord will help, and
then reach out to people for help. If you’re going to take on the
world, you’re going to need all the ammo you can get. People will
disappoint you, but you have no choice. None of us are perfect, but
God will send people your way to help you, so don’t push them
aside. Hey, if you expect to be able to have a family, you’ll have
to first start trusting people.”

Erik waited for a second before he could answer.
Uncle Henry and Aunt Mary being so honest didn’t hurt him. He knew
they were right and were really just saying what John had said and
what Erik already knew. Since it was time for him to respond, he
wanted to make sure he expressed his exact feelings.

“
See, I think the only way some of
my dreams can come true is by leaving. Then I will be in a place to
see things happen. I just don’t think I have that chance here. I
work five and a half days a week and I know exactly what will
happen each day. Nothing changes. I come home and you give me
dinner that I know will always be on the table when I get there.
Then I go out to the bunkhouse, talk to the Lord, read the Bible
and wait for the next day. I don’t have to worry about where the
next meal is going to come from, or if I’ll come up with the rent.
In a way it’s safe, but it’s just existing. There’s no chance to
make something of myself.

“
Uncle Henry, you talked about
making His promises your dream. The more I think about it the more
I know it is His promise. I believe it is in His plans for me to go
to Havre.

“
It’s not like I’m just leaving this
place. This farm will always be a part of me whether I like it or
not. I realize that now, but at the same time you’ve got to realize
that this land can’t be my whole life like it is yours. Maybe it
would be different if I was your son, but I’m not. I’m a Winters,
and maybe I am like my dad. I don’t know. But when school starts
two months from now, I think I need to be there. It’s my first
chance to do something to see my dreams come true. I want to see if
those things I read in the Bible about His watching over me will
work out there outside of my safe nest. You say it’s a big world. I
need to see how big my God is.” Erik’s shoulders slumped down as if
to rest after his oration.

“
That’s all we wanted to hear,
Erik.” Henry put his hand on the back of Erik’s head. “We just
wanted to hear that you’re doing this because you want to better
yourself out of trust of the Lord, not out of running from your
past. We want to know that you’re excited about something, and that
you’ll do it no matter what gets in your way. Sure, we’ll miss you
and worry about you. We wouldn’t love you if we didn’t. You are our
son no matter what last name you have. We’ll do everything possible
to help you in your dreams. Just don’t forget us back here. We
won’t expect you to write. We know you better than that, but making
a collect call every once in a while would be nice.

“
Thank you, Uncle Henry and you,
Aunt Mary. I really am sorry I didn’t come to you before. I know
you love me. I’ve been too excited about Havre. I know I said I
wanted to have a home of my own. I will always know my home is also
here.” Erik knew that all that needed to be said had passed. Now it
was time to look to the future. It was an unknown future, but one
he felt prepared to conquer. As he thought these thoughts he had
little idea of how high the obstacles would be. If he knew the
future, he might have thought again and retreated back to the
bunkhouse.

Chapter
Twenty-Nine

 

 

I
t happened
about a month later, the latter part of August. Erik wouldn't be
able to remember the exact date, but it was sometime right before
harvest. He had quit work early on a Saturday. The machines were
all ready for harvest so there wasn't much else to do until the
wheat was golden and ready. Erik had taken a short nap to catch up
on the sleep he had lost during the long week of work. When he
awoke, his vision was blurred in his left eye.

He wasn't alarmed at first. He merely thought
something had gotten into his eye. His vision was like looking
through a thin fog, and floating in that fog were tiny particles,
almost like hairs on the lens of a home movie projector.

His lack of concern kept him from mentioning it to
the Coopers. Harvest was close, and they had enough worries as it
was. Since he never trusted doctors, he didn't even consider going
to one.

Instead of clearing, however, the eye gradually
became enveloped in a thicker fog. By then harvest had begun, and
Erik was too busy to do anything about it. His right eye was
perfectly fine so he relied on it.

 

It was only after the harvest and the work had slowed
that he began to get more concerned about his eye. School would
start in three weeks, and he noticed that his lack of depth
perception hindered his work. Because of his worsening vision he
volunteered one Wednesday to go into Fairfield and pick up some
needed parts. This was usually Henry's job, but Erik insisted
without telling the Coopers why. His plan was to stop by Dr.
Irvin's office for a quick check-up. He wouldn't mention it to the
Coopers. At first, Henry insisted that the errand was his job, but
Erik insisted even harder. Henry had no idea what the problem was,
and decided against pushing the issue.

The doctor said very little to Erik when he finally
arrived at the clinic. This worried Erik even more. Fairfield had
no specialist, just two general practitioners like Dr. Irvin who
now poked at Erik's eyelids. The doctor was an older, gruff man who
was not qualified to say anything except that it was obvious there
was some type of fluid in Erik's eye. He told Erik he needed to see
an eye doctor immediately.