The Education of Sebastian (38 page)

“That asshole! Fuck, Caro! I really want to…”

He didn’t finish the sentence but it didn’t take a genius to figure out what he was thinking.

“Has he… gone out?”

I nodded. “Yes, he’s been gone a while. I’ve no idea when… or if, he’ll be back.”

“Can I come in for a bit?”

His voice was hopeful.

“Okay, for a bit.”

He frowned at my unenthusiastic reply. I was so tired and wrung out, I couldn’t handle a jealous and angry Sebastian right now.

He halted in his tracks when he saw the mess on the floor.

“Did
he
do that?”

I nodded silently and fetched a cloth to start clearing it up.

Without speaking Sebastian took the rag from me. I was too weary to argue even though I wanted to. It was just all wrong to have my lover clear up the mess my husband had made in our kitchen over a fight about the matrimonial bed. My brain was tied in knots just trying to keep all the pieces in the right place. Somehow everything had gotten so mixed up and confused.

Finally, the floor was clean and the remains of David’s dinner had been dumped in the trash can. Sebastian washed his hands and dried them on the back of his pants.

He sat down at the table and put his arm around me. I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. He wrapped his other arm around my waist and pulled me to his chest, just holding me. Every now and then I felt his light kisses in my hair.

His kindness was the thing that broke me and tears began to slide down my cheeks.

“Don’t cry, Caro,” he said softly, his voice aching with sadness. “Don’t cry, baby.”

He repositioned one arm under my knees and gently lifted me up. I whimpered once from the pain, then bit my lip to stifle any more sounds.

Slowly and carefully, he carried me up the stairs and laid me down on my bed, placing his body alongside mine.

We lay together as I sobbed quietly. We didn’t speak.

When my tears finally dried, he kissed me on the cheek.

“Come on, let’s get you undressed.”

His hands rose to my waistband but I pushed them roughly away.

“No, don’t!”

He looked hurt. “I wasn’t going to do anything, Caro. You’re exhausted. You need to get some rest. Come on, let me help you.”

I tried to push him away, but my body felt like I weighed a thousand pounds, and he’d pulled up the hem of my skirt before I could stop him.

I heard his gasp and then he swore.

“What the fuck, Caro? What happened? Did… did
he…
?”

“It was an accident,” I said tiredly. “He didn’t mean to.”

Sebastian was furious, as I knew he would be. I could see cords of tension on his neck, his eyes were blazing with fury.

“That
asshole!
”

He bounced off the bed and balled his fists as if he wanted to hit something – or someone. He was trying to rein in his temper, but he wasn’t having much luck with that. Then he saw my face, fresh tears breaking out.

“Shit, I should take you to a doctor!”

I shook my head slowly. “I’m okay. They’re just… mild burns… from the pasta sauce. I’m okay.”

“You should fucking report this! You can’t let him get away with doing this to you!”

“It was an accident,” I repeated quietly. “Please, Sebastian, just drop it.”

“Drop it?!” he shouted. “Look what that sack of shit has done to you! Fuck, Caro!”

I put my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes tight shut, trying to stop the new tears from leaking out. His rant stopped in midstream.

“Oh God, Caro.”

I felt the mattress tremble and he lay back down on the bed and hugged me to him. That was all I needed: his arms around me.

After a long while it was Sebastian who broke the silence.

“What do you want to do?”

His voice was soft, unnamed emotions making his tone raw.

“I don’t know.”

“You can’t stay here anymore, Caro. You know that, right?”

I let my breath out in a long sigh.

“I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“Maybe Mitch and Shirley? They’d help, I know they would.”

I shook my head slowly. “I’m not taking my troubles to their door.” I sighed. “I’m still… in an illegal relationship with a minor – I wouldn’t do that to them.”

He didn’t argue so I knew he’d taken my words seriously.

“What about your mom’s? I know you’re not close, but…”

“No. She practically kicked me out when I was 19,” I said bitterly. “Why do you think I married David so quickly?”

He was silent for a moment but I felt his body tense; he did that every time I so much as mentioned David’s name. Some sort of primal response, I guessed.

“What about friends back east?”

“Same problem,” I whispered. “I’d be involving them in… well, you know.”

He hugged me closer and I could feel his warm breath on my neck.

“There’s a women’s shelter near Park West… I… I heard mom mention it once. Maybe…”

“I can’t because…” My whispered words shuddered to a halt.

“Because of me.”

His voice was bitter.

“You can’t go to any of the places that would help you… because of me.”

I knew why he thought that, why he would say that, but I couldn’t let him blame himself.

“It’s not your fault, Sebastian,” I said gently, stroking his arm. “You’re the one good thing I’ve got in my life. I wouldn’t change that for anything. Not for anything. I finally feel… alive.”

I heard him gasp and he pulled me closer.

“I feel the same, Caro. You’ve taught me everything I know.”

I blinked in surprise.

“You have. You’ve taught me who I can be, you’ve made me stronger. You make me want to see the magic in the world. I didn’t know falling in love could be… like this.”

Was that really how he felt? Is that how he saw me: someone who could make him stronger? How did that happen? I was so weak and cowardly. But, and I felt a small flowering of hope inside me, I
had
changed, hadn’t I. I was getting stronger: not yet strong, but getting there.

It felt as if he’d been the one to teach me. Perhaps we had learned together.

He held me carefully, making sure his legs didn’t accidentally brush against mine.

“I don’t know what to do,” he said softly. “I want to be with you so badly, but you just end up getting hurt every time I come near you. Why is it so hard for us to be together? It’s so fucking unfair!”

“I know, tesoro.”

He was so hurt and confused and there was so little I could do to help either of us.

I let out a long sigh.

“I think you’d better go now.”

“No!” he gasped. “No way!” He raised his voice. “I’m not leaving you alone with that asshole!”

“I can’t fight with you, too, Sebastian,” I whispered. “I don’t have the strength.”

“No! I didn’t… what if he… I
can’t
leave you here alone!” he said desperately.

I turned carefully to look at him.

“This isn’t something you can fix, Sebastian. I’m the one who’s screwed up; I have to fix it. But you’re right about one thing – I can’t stay here.” I took a deep breath. “There are lots of empty rooms around the university now all the students are on vacation. I’ll check out the listings for people wanting roommates. There are places for less than $500 a month. I can manage that.”

I didn’t tell Sebastian I had no idea how I’d afford to eat and put gas in my car at the same time.

“And there’s a Motel 6 up by San Ysidro that’s only $50 a night. That can be my last resort, if necessary.”

Sebastian’s face was grim. “I have nearly $700. That’ll buy another month, food and gas.”

Maybe he could read my mind.

I stroked his cheek. “I can’t take your money.”

“Yes, you can! I want you to, please, Caro. Let me help you. I want to take care of you. This is all my…”

I laid a finger over his lips. I couldn’t bear to hear him so desperate, trying to look after me the way a man looks after a woman.

He kissed my finger and pulled my hand away from his mouth.

“You should go see a lawyer, Caro. Take half of everything that bastard has.”

I shook my head. “No, Sebastian. I won’t be doing that.”

“Why not?” he said, hotly. “You deserve…”

I interrupted him gently.

“I don’t
want
anything of his. Do you understand? Nothing. But there’s another reason… if I make David fight a divorce, I’m afraid he’ll find out about us. I
know
him: he’ll keep digging and digging and digging until he finds the reason why I left him after all this time. His ego will demand that there’s a reason other than… other than himself. And then he’ll take me down.”

I could feel the tension and stress in Sebastian’s body: all his muscles were rigid and he was only just holding onto his temper. He pulled me tighter against his chest, his hands trembling, but he couldn’t speak. He buried his face against my neck and we held each other as the night slipped past.

I stroked his back and gradually his body began to relax, his breathing becoming deep and even.

I couldn’t sleep but I was glad that Sebastian did. I listened to the soft sounds of breath on his lips and watched his face relaxed and peaceful. I felt such crushing guilt when I looked at him, so beautiful; so sweet and young. All he’d done was to love me and now he was in danger of being swept away in the floodwaters of my failed marriage.  

The right thing for me to do was to leave quietly and head for New York. That way David and I could conduct our divorce with some dignity – I hoped – and my relationship with Sebastian would stay hidden. Once he was 18, and with me already on the east coast, he’d be able to escape. People would talk and maybe even guess the truth, but there would be no proof – and we’d be safe.

Two things held me back from making that decision: firstly, I knew that Sebastian would never agree and it would mean another fight; and secondly, I felt responsible for his fragile soul and I didn’t want to leave him unprotected.

I knew Shirley and Mitch would look after him as much as they could – they already thought of him as a second son – but they didn’t have the legal power to support him against the wishes of Donald and Estelle. Not unless they were prepared to swear to the historic and ongoing abuse. And, despite everything, Donald was one of
them
– part of the military family. That worked two ways. The military looked after their own, but the other mantra that was drilled into them had a darker side: ‘snitches get stitches and wind up in ditches’.

I couldn’t see Mitch wanting to go down that road: it would be the end of his career. If Sebastian had been younger, then maybe, but not now he was so near his eighteenth birthday, legal adulthood and emancipation.

So that was the reasoning behind my plan: spend the next couple of days finding a room; then work up the courage to tell David I was leaving him.

I knew my husband well enough to feel confident that his guilt over my accident would keep him silent for the few days I needed.

At least, that’s what I hoped.

Chapter 16

At dawn, I gently shook Sebastian awake.

I’d listened all night for the sound of David’s return but the house had stayed silent and kept its secrets.

He yawned and stretched, giving me the most glorious smile.

“God, I love waking up with you, Caro. I want to do it for the rest of my life.”

His words squeezed my heart painfully.
I badly wanted to believe them.

Then his smile faded and I saw the weight of memories flood back. He frowned.

“How are you? How are your legs?”

“Not too bad. Pretty good really.”

In truth, they were more than a little sore, particularly so when I flexed my knees, but nothing I was going to worry about. The worst area was the top of my right foot and that
was
painful. From a few exploratory prods, I could feel that it had blistered over night. It was going to be hellish trying to wear shoes; even flip-flops would rub in all the wrong places.

He looked at me skeptically.

“Really?”

“Sure,” I said, not meeting his eyes and sitting up.

He reached out and pulled me back down, forcing me to look at him. “Really?”

“My right foot is a little sore,” I conceded. “I just need to put a band-aid on it, that’s all.”

This time he let me get out of bed and lay there watching me.

I couldn’t help noticing that he’d kicked off his jeans in the night and was wearing just a T-shirt and boxer briefs – with a large bulge showing clearly. Although my body tingled with Pavlovian response, I really wasn’t in the mood to do anything about it, and Sebastian didn’t even seem to be aware. Perhaps he woke up like that every morning. I smiled to myself, considering that soon I’d be in a position to answer that interesting question.

When I came back from the bathroom, he was fully dressed. He’d even taken the time to make the bed and turn back the sheets nicely.

I crept downstairs in the pale, gray light of dawn, checking that David’s return wasn’t imminent. We’d have about two minutes after hearing his car in the driveway: just enough time for Sebastian to make an escape through the back door. I’d liked to have made breakfast for him but there was a good chance that David would return soon to get a change of clothes.

We stood in the kitchen, the scene of so much drama, so many key moments in our lives, and held each other.

“I’ll miss you every minute,” he said softly.

I sighed into his chest.

“Shall I see you at the park at 9
AM
?”

“Yes,” he said simply.

And then it was time for him to go. It seemed to me like it was always time for him to go. I knew he felt the same.

But David didn’t return. Instead I spent the hours before I could be with Sebastian again wandering around the empty house, letting my fingers drift over the old, familiar furniture and through the old, familiar memories.

I decided what I would take with me from the marital home. When it came down to it, there was very little: my clothes; the jewelry my father had given me; my ancient laptop; a few books; and my favorite CDs which were already in the car. The ugly wedding china that my parents had bought us had been my mother’s choice – I was more than happy for David to keep it. It wasn’t much to show for 11 years of marriage, but with a new life ahead of me, I didn’t care either. That, by itself, said everything.