The Education of Sebastian (30 page)

* Where are you? *

* I need to talk to you. Where are you? *

And the last one.

* I’m going to your house NOW *

I gasped and, although I tried to beat it back, hope flared suddenly and brilliantly. It was so confusing – I was still burning with anger and jealousy.
He’d left me at the picnic for that girl.

I glanced at my watch – it was just after 9
PM
. Donna would be at the airport by now. Another 30 minutes and David would be walking through our front door. It would take me more than 20 minutes to drive home. I did the math.

Fuck.

By now my hands were shaking so badly it took me three attempts to scroll through to find Sebastian’s number on my cell.

The phone rang, and rang, and rang. And then it switched to voicemail.

I hung up and tried again. This time it went immediately to voicemail. This time I left a message.

“Sebastian, do not, repeat DO NOT go to my house. I’m downtown and David will be home any minute. Please, please don’t go.”

I had no idea if he’d get the message or, if he did, whether he’d do as I asked. And then I started to feel angry – really angry.
He
was the one who’d gone off with his ex-girlfriend;
he
was the one who was threatening to go to my home just as David was due back.

Maybe my anger was unreasonable but it didn’t feel like it, and right there and then, I needed it.

I drove home as fast as I dared. I didn’t have those get-out-of-jail-free military plates on my car, and I couldn’t risk getting stopped for speeding now.

I screeched onto the driveway, relieved that the house was dark and silent. I’d beaten David home, at the very least.

I nearly leapt out of my skin when I heard Sebastian’s voice in the darkness.

“Where were you?”

“Sebastian!” I hissed. “You can’t be here! David will be home any second!”

“I’m not going anywhere until you
talk
to me.”

His voice was tight with anger.

Well, fuck him! I was pretty damned angry, too!

I shoved the key in the lock and pushed the front door open.

“Get in!” I snarled. “Before someone sees you!”

He pushed past me and I slammed the door shut behind him.

“You can’t be here!” I repeated.

He didn’t answer but suddenly grabbed my waist and pulled me towards him. Without warning, he kissed me fiercely, forcing his lips against mine.

My body started to respond, but anger and fear had the upper hand. I shoved him hard in the chest. He let go, his hands dropping to his side, his face shocked.

“Caro!”

“I mean it, Sebastian. I want you to go. Now!”

His voice turned pleading, the words tripping over themselves.

“I need to talk to you, Caro. You just disappeared. I didn’t know where you were. I know how it must have looked… with Brenda… but it was
nothing
. I promise. She was upset and I couldn’t ignore her, could I?”

Yes, you could!
I wanted to yell at him.

“Why did you just go? Why didn’t you talk to me? You could have called me! Please! I love you!”

I didn’t know what to believe. I did know what I’d
seen
.

Blue-white car headlights suddenly flooded the hallway and I heard the sound of Donna’s station wagon pulling up outside.

“For the love of God, Sebastian! Just go!”

“When will I see you? Caro, please!”

“I don’t know. Just go. Just get out!” I yelled.

He gave me one, last, tortured look, then turned and ran into the kitchen. I heard him fumbling with the lock on the back door as I moved swiftly through the house turning on lights.

My heart was hammering so loudly in my chest that I barely heard the sharp rap on the front door.

Breathless, I snatched it open.

“You
are
in then, Caroline. I was beginning to wonder.”

His tone was brusque. It was just what I needed to hear – and I snapped out of my funk.

“I haven’t been in long: I had to drop off some films I took at the fun day to City Beat. How was your flight? Can I get you a coffee?”

“You know I can’t drink caffeine at this time of night, Caroline.”

“A glass of wine, then?”

“I don’t need to drink every day – not like you.”

I blinked. This was a new and interesting development. Now I was an alcoholic? I almost laughed. And then I had an epiphany: I wasn’t scared of him anymore.

“Well, I’m glad to see the flight didn’t affect your good mood, David. I’m going to have a glass of wine. Let me know if I can get you anything.”

I left him gaping in our hallway.

Eventually I heard him stomp up the stairs with his bags. My adrenaline rush over, I felt a little shaky. I hadn’t eaten much at the picnic but now I was ravenous.

Scrabbling through the fridge, I found a jar of peanut butter. I’d bought it for David, not really being a fan, but right now it was just what I needed. I found a dessert spoon and dug in.

I remembered that only this morning Sebastian had told me that he liked peanut butter. Was that really just this morning? It seemed a lifetime ago. In some ways it was.

I started to feel bad for the way I’d spoken to him. I’d thought he was behaving recklessly to insist on coming to my house and taking such a huge risk. Yes, that was foolish, but, truthfully, I was the one who’d behaved badly. He’d looked so hurt as he’d left.
No, damn it! I was right to be angry.

My emotions whirled around, reeling from sadness to anger and back again. It was sometime later when I realized that David was being unusually quiet.

I walked upstairs and found him already under the sheets, his dirty clothes scattered on
my
side of the bed.

When it came down to it, I had to admit that David had Sebastian beaten in the behaving-childishly stakes.

I headed for the spare room. It was cool and calm and untainted by any association with David or any memory of Sebastian. Before I set my phone alarm to wake me in the morning, I wondered briefly about texting Sebastian, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.

I fell asleep with the pain on his face burned into my eyes.

Chapter 13

David was sulky at breakfast. What a shocker.

Without comment, I served him bacon, pancakes and eggs, pointed out his dry-cleaned uniform and calmly sat down with a slice of toast at my laptop.

I could feel his eyes on me, a silent castigation. Well, as long as it remained silent, that was just fine by me.

True to form, he flounced out of the house without speaking to me. I noticed he took his dress uniform so, with a bit of luck, I wouldn’t see him until tomorrow. A twenty-four hour reprieve I could definitely use.

Before I faced David, it was time to man up and face Sebastian. I sure as hell wasn’t going to apologize for what I’d said last night but we needed to talk. At least, I thought we did. Whatever had happened between him and Brenda, or not happened as he’d insisted… whatever the rights and wrongs of him risking our exposure by coming here last night, I was supposed to be the adult in this relationship. I decided I was going to let him go with a few shreds of my dignity intact.

I pulled out my phone to text him.

Texts were such a useful medium: they could say so much or so little – and yet they side-stepped all the screwed up emotions of a face-to-face encounter. I could see why dumping someone by text was so popular: it was the coward’s correspondence method of choice. Well… perfect for me, then.

I was about to type a message when I heard a soft tap at the back door. It seemed Sebastian had beaten me to the punch. At least he wasn’t going to dump me by text. I supposed that was a good thing.

God, he was so beautiful. I couldn’t help taking one long, last, devouring look.

Even if this was goodbye, I felt lucky to have had him in my life. Knowingly or not, he’d been the catalyst for changing my life. I’d always be grateful.

“Hi. You want to come in?”

He nodded silently and I pushed the door open wide to let him through.

“I’m just having a coffee: do you want one?”

“Why are you being like this?” he whispered.

“Being like what?” I said, coolly.

“Like…
this!
” he gestured helplessly.

His voice pierced my carefully constructed façade: he sounded so bruised. I sat at the table, warming my cold hands on my coffee mug. I began my pre-prepared speech.

“I’m sorry I disappeared without saying goodbye. I didn’t mean for you to worry. I saw you with Brenda and… I just thought it was better for me to go.”

“I knew it! I knew that was it! Fuck, Caro!”

He sat down opposite me and rubbed his hands over his face.

“It was nothing with Brenda. Nothing! Why are you being like this?”

Oh no, he didn’t get to be the injured party.

“It didn’t look like nothing,” I hissed, my careful control sliding away. “You say you love
me
and then you just walk off with Brenda? Do you have the slightest idea how much that hurt? Do you? You entered into a relationship with me knowing that I’m a married woman. But it’s okay for you to get mad with my husband, and it’s okay for you to sulk when Bill pretends to flirt with me, and you tell me how upset you are that you can’t be with me in public at the stupid fun day… but you know what, Sebastian? This is what you signed on for. With me. I sure didn’t sign on to see you going off with some girl. Did you really think it was okay for you to take a nice, romantic stroll along the beach with your ex-girlfriend who obviously has feelings for you and wants you back? Did you? Because it isn’t okay. It really isn’t.”

“Wow. You’re… you’re really angry. Caro…”

No shit!

I glared at him and he dropped his eyes to the table, sighing heavily.

“I’m sorry. I am. It’s just… Brenda is… was… I guess I knew she might be there yesterday. Her dad’s a buddy of Mitch. I should have said something… I get that now… but I didn’t know what to say… I mean, I broke up with her months ago before I even met you again so I didn’t think it would matter if she did… but I didn’t know she was going to… I’m not interested in her, so it didn’t... How can you…”

He took a deep breath.

“Caro, I’ve said to you over and over again that I love you. You never say… Why don’t you believe me? Why don’t you trust me? I’d never,
never
do anything to hurt you. I love you.”

“You did hurt me, Sebastian,” I said, gravely. “You hurt me a lot. You say you’d never do anything to hurt me but then you go ahead and do something like this.”

I thought he was going to reach out for me, but then he closed his eyes, shaking his head slowly.

“God, Caro, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I didn’t know what Brenda was going to say and I didn’t want you to have to sit there and listen to it. I thought… I thought I was doing the right thing – getting her out of the way. And… she was upset and I guess… I felt like I owed her or something. She’s been having a really tough time since…”

He stopped. It was probably the look on my face. I
so
didn’t want to hear him telling me how he owed his slutty ex-girlfriend and that he still cared enough about her not to want to upset her. But it was okay to upset me.

I sighed. I knew that wasn’t what he’d intended. He’d obviously thought that getting her out of my way was the best solution if she was going to start babbling about wanting him back. Sometimes he was just too damn nice for his own good.

“Caro, I’m sorry. Please, please don’t be mad at me. I love you.”

His voice trembled and his eyes begged me to believe him. And I did. I just wasn’t sure I believed in us.

I reached over and took his hands in mine, my resolve a little shaken by his renewed declaration.

But it was a mistake: the warmth of his skin, the touch of flesh on flesh – my whole body flushed with desire. The prepared speech died on my lips.

“You looked so good together.” I choked out the admission.

He shook his head slowly, his scared eyes fixed on mine.

“And then… the others were saying how nice she was – and pretty – and that you’d made a great couple and… I couldn’t help agreeing with them. And I
saw
the way she was with you. She made it pretty damn obvious she wants to get back with you. I guess I couldn’t blame her. Or you. And… you don’t need all… all my emotional baggage. You
should
be with Brenda – or someone like her… someone your own age. And… I
saw
you! I
saw
you with her – how you were with her – holding her like that.”

He pulled my hands to his face and kissed the palms gently.

Then slowly and deliberately he sucked the tip of each finger. He could see on my face what that did to me.

“I want to make love to you,” he whispered.

I tried to snatch my hands back but he held onto them.

“Don’t give up on us, Caro. Because I haven’t.”

I tugged my hands free and this time he let them go.

“Sebastian, I’ll be honest with you: I don’t know what to do for the best so I’m kind of making this up as I go along. But… all this… this craziness – we’re getting swept away by it. Making love with you is extraordinary: I’ve never,
never
felt anything like this my whole life. But it was wrong of me to… to start this relationship with you – and I don’t mean because of what the law says, although that’s certainly an issue… but because it’s not fair to you.”

He tried to interrupt me but I was determined to finish.

“Please, I need to say this. I’ve had a lot of years of feeling inadequate, of not being good enough: I don’t need to paint a picture, I’m sure you can guess why. And every time,
every time
I see you with a younger woman, whatever the circumstances, it’s going to rip me up. I don’t want to see the best thing I’ve ever known soured by my insecurities – I couldn’t bear that. You’ve brought me to life – and you’ll never know how much I owe you because of that. But you’re only just starting out in your life. It’s not fair to burden you with me. You deserve better than that. I
have
to let you go.”