The Death of Lila Jane (4 page)

“I’m busy,” I choked out, wiping the back of my hand over my dampened cheeks, embarrassed that I’d let myself be overcome with my grief.

“I just want to talk,” Daven spoke quietly as if he could see the cloud of turmoil that engulfed me. The door opened before I could protest further. His eyes had met mine before he looked to the ground between us, offering me a small window of privacy. “I know you don’t want to talk about her. You don’t have to.” He glanced up at me, nodding once to reassure me he would keep his word and not force me to relive the past. “But I think you and I have more in common than you realize. There was a reason ya’ mamma was okay with sending you here. She thought it might be good for you to see…” He cleared his throat and I could tell it was growing thick with pain. “To see that life goes on and the suffering gets easier. I tried to tell her I wasn’t a role model.” He laughed nervously as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other and I could see his internal struggle as he grappled with the thought of opening up to me.

Daven crossed the room, running his fingertip over the top of one of the crib railings before wiping the dust that collected on his fingertip onto his well-worn jeans. Daven was a country boy, not known for their emotional side but looking at him now, I could see he knew everything I’d been feeling.

“His name was Daven Allen Harken the second,” a ghost of a smile spread on his face before he shook his head and tears sparkled in his eyes. “My p'tit boug
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.”

“What happened?” My stomach tightened as I awaited his confession.

“His mamma, Julia, she… she was smart as a whip. Went to Tulane University majoring in child psychology when she was twenty-six. Met her at the Anba Dlo Festival
[32]
. She won my heart dressed as maw maw June, ya’ great grandmamma. She’d tell you she was the Bride of Frankenstein, but it was hard to tell the difference.” He laughed, scratching his forehead with the nail of his thumb as he let himself get lost in his memory. “She was somethin’ else.”

Swallowing, he looked down at his palms as if they’d held the answer to his pain as if the wounds of stigmata would appear from all of the sacrifices he’d made. “Never did make it to graduation. When she couldn’t hide her gros ventre
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any longer, we moved up here to be closer to my family so I could take care of her and ‘da baby. I had no idea what the hell I was doing but she… she seemed so confident. She trusted me with… everything. We got married in Shreveport when she was seven months along. She glowed.” Lines marred his forehead as he rubbed his hand over his chest as if he was physically alleviating the ache in his heart. 

I let my eyes close, not wanting to witness this incredibly personal moment but I felt it deep inside of myself. “I’m sorry.” I opened my eyes to see that he was staring at me now, not ashamed of his grief and allowing it to flow freely down over his cheeks.

“Don’t be sorry. I’ll never be sorry for having the little bit of time we had.” I could hear the regret in his voice and knew that wasn’t entirely accurate. While he wouldn’t have given away those moments together, he wished he could have had more. I knew because I was just as selfish. I had spent countless nights praying Taylor would have more time, even though I knew she would have suffered, just because I wasn’t ready to let go.

“She stopped by the bank down in Beauregard Parish so she could get groceries for dinner. I had to work late and she had her heart set on crab cakes with remoulade sauce.” His head shook from side to side and I could see it, the same look I saw whenever I looked in the mirror. He blamed himself. Her pain still coursed through his veins, decaying and eating away at his soul. “Some guy decided to rob the bank that day. He tried to take Julia’s purse and she gave it to him but he wanted her wedding band and she refused. It was a mere twenty dollar band. It wouldn’t have meant nothing to nobody else but us. But he wanted it anyway. Man, ‘dat girl was stubborn as a mule. It’s one of the things I love…
loved
about her.” His eyes met mine as tears fell down his cheeks to the front of his shirt, but he smiled at the memory of her.

“I lost everything that day. They told me I was lucky. Can you
imagine
? My wife and my son were
dead
and they said I was
lucky
I wasn’t with them. I’d survived. I couldn’t think of anything crueler. She must have been so
scared
.” His sank down on his haunches and cried unabashedly, his shoulders shaking as he struggled for more breath until his eyes ran dry. He made no effort to hide his sadness. “I may have survived, but this sure as hell ain’t livin’.”

August 5, 2015

My eyes drifted from my father’s empty chair to my brother who was pushing a chunk of breaded chicken on his plate as his lip curled up in disgust. No one spoke and when the front door finally opened I actually sighed audibly, thankful that it would be slightly less awkward.

Dropping his briefcase by the china hutch and causing the dishes to rattle, my father tugged at his sapphire tie, yanking it loose from his neck. His dark, peppered hair was disheveled from a long, stressful day. “You didn’t need to wait for me,” he quipped and my mother snorted, her dinner already half-eaten. Unbuttoning his cuffs, he rolled his sleeves up his forearms, unveiling a faded tattoo of a Celtic cross hidden under his clothing. My father played a clean-cut lawyer well, but he had a troubled past and that was what made him interested in practicing law. It also made him strict when it came to his only daughter. He knew what young guys thought he’d say. But if that were true he’d know he had nothing to worry about because no guy around here found me even remotely dateable. They all thought I was weird. I’d agree.

“We’d starve if we waited for you every day. You were supposed to be home an hour ago.” Her sarcastic tone wasn’t bitter but most people around here didn’t seem to understand her humor like they did back East.

“Well, I’d save a lot of money on liposuction and maybe I wouldn’t have to work such long hours.” My father pressed his lips to the top of my mother’s head as he rounded the table, rolling his eyes at her comment, but he was clearly amused. I had to dip my head to keep her from seeing the smile on my face from his jab. “One of us has to work, Melony.”

“Putting up with you doesn’t count as work, Drew?” Her eyebrow rose as her emerald eyes locked onto his, narrowing. My parents were deeply in love but their relationship had become strained over the years and my brother overdosing on pills only a few months ago had been the enough to break them down. Unfortunately for me, I was the one left living at home with them so they became overbearing and making it nearly impossible to break out of my shell and live a little. I was determined to change that this year. I wanted to make friends and meet boys.

“I was wondering if I could go to the mall later with some friends. I need to finish school shopping.” I looked to my brother before back to my dad who had just settled into his chair at the head of the table.

He groaned, picking up his silverware and eyeing his food as if trying to determine what it was.

“What friends?” My mother swirled the deep, crimson liquid in her glass before tilting it to her lips and draining the contents over her tongue. My father cleared his throat loudly and she gave him a hard glare before sitting down her glass.

“I have friends,” I protested but I only really had one, and my mom couldn’t stand her.

“I’ll take her,” Elik spoke up and I breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn’t be forced to tell the lie. I knew I’d owe him later and I really hoped he’d make up with his boyfriend and skip town before that number was called.

“Thanks,” I mouthed in his direction and he smiled.

“We’ve discussed this.” He shook his head as if trying to erase the doubt from his mind. “Just stay out of trouble,” my father mumbled with a mouth full of cold green beans.

My cheeks flamed when I thought of the possibility of going all the way to the mall with the guy across the street. The drive alone would take about an hour. Maybe with the few days left before school, I could convince him that I wasn’t a loser. It would be nice to go to high school with someone by my side. Bridget Lane was the only friend I had and her parents had begun to home school her after being taunted and teased. I barely made it through last year on my own and I didn’t want to be alone again.

Bridget and I have been friends since I’d moved to town when I was ten, but we barely had anything in common besides being social outcasts. Her southern snark kept everyone at arm’s length and her bombshell looks didn’t help either. The other girls spread rumors like wildfire about her when she’d begun to develop. But worse was the sudden attention she’d received from all the boys. It made her withdrawal even further.

“When do I ever get into trouble?” I shook my head, disappointed that no matter how well I’d always behaved, they still treated me as if I’d rob the gas station the first time I was turned loose on my own.

“I see it every day,” My father mumbled and I wanted to scream. Just because other kids were breaking the law, didn’t mean I would.

“Can’t get in trouble if you never leave me off the leash.”

“I’d just feel better if you had someone with you that we trust. Maybe Silas can take you.” My father was staring at me now and I felt myself sink down in my seat under his glare.

Silas Walker had lived three doors down from me since we moved to Louisiana. He’d always been obsessed with science. He would drone on for hours on end about the solar system. We became instant friends because my father worked with his mom and I was the only one who didn’t fall into a coma when he spoke. But all of that changed.

When he was thirteen he’d skipped ahead a few grades and we didn’t hang out as much since he started high school. At first I was relieved, but when you can count the number of people who like you on one hand, you mourn the loss of even the most monotonous one. But Silas had new friends and was on to a new adventure. I no longer fit into his equation.

At least this year would we would both be in high school together.

“Silas is busy hanging out with older kids,” I groaned.

“More mature,” my father countered. “It would do you some good to make friends with those who have a good head on their shoulders. Never too early to prepare for college.”

“Dad, I haven’t even started high school yet.”

“Danny and I broke up,” Elik spoke up, changing the subject once more.

My father groaned but didn’t look up from his plate. “It’s for the best,” he said without looking up so Elik could see his mouth.

“Elik’s heart is broken, Dad,” I scolded him as I took a sip from my glass of water.

His fork clanged against his plate as he looked at my brother, his eyes darting to me with concern. My mother pushed from her seat, taking her wine bottle with her as she staggered into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he mumbled before taking another bite of his food, his jaw working hard against the tough pork chop. “Maybe now would be a good time for
you
to focus on college as well.”

If you asked either of my parents if they cared if we were gay, they would respond with an emphatic no. They would say that our happiness was all that mattered. But ignoring the truth was not the same as accepting it and that was something neither of them seemed to understand.

My brother had been screaming out for help and his calls, ironically, fell on deaf ears.

***

August 5, 2015

My stomach was still empty by the time we’d finished dinner and cleared our plates, but I couldn’t take any more time engaging in pointless conversation while we all tried desperately to ignore who each really were. Elik pretended none of it bothered him, but I knew that wasn’t true.

It was heartbreaking to witness and every day I watched my brother slip further and further away from himself as he let the fog of painkillers replace his feelings. He was plagued by demons, the kind that disappeared in a clouded breath and created synthetic elation. Elik’s first love was snorting Vicodin, crushed and crippling. Everyone around him ignored who he really was no matter how hard he tried to be himself. He was the most courageous person I knew, but also the loneliest. My drug of choice was poetry. I enjoyed telling the lies of love, giving false hope to the hopeless. Drugs and words were one in the same. They could hurt or heal depending on the dealer.

The sound of a muffled engine from outside pulled me from my self-loathing. I hurried to my window, running my fingertips along the brown sheer curtain as I peered out at Kaden, who was slipping out of his oversized black car. His dark hair was short but messy enough to run his fingers through, his back broad and muscular. He had to be at least a few years older than me, but it didn’t stop my eyes from roaming.

Grabbing my black-rimmed glasses from my nightstand, I pushed them up the bridge of my nose. They were the kind hipsters wore to be ironic, or whatever it was they hoped the look achieved. I was nearsighted and I hated them. I squinted my eyes as I read over the chrome writing on the back of the vehicle that read Impala.

“Impala,” my cherry-stained lips popped as I said the word to myself, my eyes dancing down his fitted black T-shirt and over the back of his dark wash jeans that hung low on his hips. As if he could hear me, he spun around and I gasped, jumping back from the window as the lacy curtain swayed from my sudden departure. My hand went to my stomach as it flipped, my feet shuffling forward so I could catch another glance at him just to ensure he wasn’t a figment of my overactive imagination. He had something small in his hand as he slammed the door shut and disappearing inside of the Harken’s ranch style home. I smiled to myself as I fell back onto my bed, relishing in the sudden feeling of euphoria that swam through my veins.

I grabbed Romeo and Juliet and began to flip through the pages, my eyes skimming over the words as my imagination drifted off into another place.

I wondered how long Kaden would be in town. Daven said he didn’t want to take him school shopping so he should be here for a little while.

I chewed on my lip to fight against my smile. This kid may not even want to talk to me, and even if he did, one look at Bridget and I wouldn’t stand a chance. I grabbed my cell phone from my nightstand, tugging on it until the charger cord fell free.

I dialed Bridget and put the call on speakerphone as I sang along with her ringback tone.

“Bridget speaking,” she announced, already sounding bored. I could picture her staring down at her freshly painted neon-colored nails as if it was too much of a bother to speak to me, her only friend.

“Summers over and we wasted it,” I groaned, flipping onto my back as I stared up at the popcorn ceiling covered in little plastic glow stars.

“Speak for yourself. I’ve watched every season of Friends four times. What have you done with your life, loser?”

“Your parents must be so proud. I’ve read thirty-seven books.” Rolling my eyes, I jumped as I heard the distant roar of an engine outside. It sounded ferocious like the growl of a lion, definitely not belonging to any of the old people who lived on our street.

“Gross. This is why you don’t have any friends.”

“I have you.” I slid from my bed and sank to my knees as I pushed my curtain to the side as I let Bridget ramble on, unable to focus on her words. Whenever her voice would pause, I’d fill the space by agreeing until I heard her break out in a fit of laughter.

“What?” I ducked down slightly when Kaden rounded the back of his car, digging something out of the trunk before resuming his work under the hood.

“You’re not even listening to me.”

“Yes I am,” I shot back defensively.

“Really? So you really do enjoy eating dog crap?”

Groaning, I let the curtain swing back in front of my face, but I kept my gaze locked ahead.

“I have this new neighbor and he’s… weird.”

“Weird how? Like kills puppies weird or tucks his jeans into his socks weird?”

“No, like…
mysterious
.”

“Oh, so he’s hot?” She asked and I almost choked on my own spit.

“I didn’t say that,” I shot back a little too defensively.

“Lila Jane, you like a real, live boy. And to think, all this time I thought you were in love with me.”

“Ugh, come on. You think everyone is in love with you. I can do better than that.”

Bridget laughed loudly in my ear. “Touché. But come on, you can’t blame me. Silas was pining over you for years and you barely gave him a second look. So tell me about this guy. Does he sparkle?”

I cringed as I bit back my retort. Bridget could never understand my love for reading, so naturally, she found my obsession with male book characters to be a little crazy. “Silas never liked me, I was just the only one who would listen to him. For the last time, you’re focusing on the wrong details of that story. If you would just read the book,” I groaned before dipping my head below the window ledge with a squeal when I noticed Kaden glancing this way.

“Why would I read the book when I can watch the movie?”

“We can’t be friends anymore,” I deadpanned.

“Alright fine,” she groaned in my ear. “I’m coming over. If you are going to face plant in front of some hottie, I want to be there to point and laugh.”

“You’re leaving your house?” I asked in disbelief.

“If this guy turns out to be a murderer, someone has to give his description to the police. Besides, you’re my friend and you need me. I like to be needed. I’m selfish like that.”

“Don’t I know it.” I clicked to end the call and tossed the phone on my bed before looking across the street but Kaden was gone. “Damn,” I whisper-yelled before screaming as my bedroom door opened behind me, bouncing off the wall.