The Death of Lila Jane (2 page)

“Yeah you right.
[19]
”

I watched him intently, the ghost of Cajun Christmas future, lonely and broken as he went through the motions of life. This was what I’d had to look forward to. Daven had let life beat him down and now he just played dead, waiting for the inevitable.

August 5, 2015

My face broke the surface of the water and I gasped as it cascaded off my skin and into the tub below. I wished I could hold my breath longer, drowning out all of the sounds around me. In the distance, I could hear the muffled voices of the television, barely covering the clipped tone of my mother as she rattled off the laundry list of things that bothered her already this morning. My father grunted and agreed as his heavy footsteps trudged across the second floor of our home as he prepared for work. He couldn’t get out of the house fast enough and his nights had been later and later.

I’d spent my morning in an Adderall-induced tunnel vision Googling the muscle car that still sat across the street in the neighbor’s driveway, unmoved since yesterday afternoon. It had showed up three months ago. Three long months of me watching this boy out of my window as he starred in my own personal reality show.

A guy who owns a car like that would know a lot about it. Taunt Magazine says that if you want to get a guy’s attention, you have to show interest in the things they like. It seemed a little ridiculous that I’d have to go out of my way to get his attention but what did I know? I’d never had a boy look at me like I was anything but annoying. And for the first time, I wanted one of them too.

I pulled the plug from the bottom of the porcelain claw foot tub and stood as water sloshed out onto the fuzzy gray rug just outside. Ringing my long hair in my fists, I stepped onto the mat, curling my toes into the softness as my eyes danced over my thin frame in the mirror. My body had changed a lot over the last year, but I still looked younger than I liked. My chest was small and asymmetrical, my belly still had a pooch that jutted out between my widened hips, from all of the processed food I’d eaten during the summer when I chose to stay inside and read instead of being active and social. My skin was translucent from the lack of sunshine causing dark circles to mark the underside of my eyes.

I knew it was normal to feel insecure, but I’d never actually spent time assessing my faults before today and I already didn’t like these side effects of having a crush.

Popping open the medicine cabinet, I grabbed one of the orange bottles labeled with my mother’s name and removed the cap, dumping a Diazepam into my palm. I avoided taking these on most occasions even though my mom used them as a cure-all. But just the thought of trying to make small talk with the mystery boy had my stomach twisted in knots and nowadays, that was cause to medicate, sedate, and take away any feeling. I repeated the process with my Zoloft, a prescription I’d been taking since the beginning of summer. I’m not sure if it actually did anything, but I certainly noticed if I missed a dose because it caused my brain to zap itself in a self-imposed shock therapy.

I popped the pills into my mouth and swallowed them down dry, nearly gagging before my eyes met my own reflection again. I ran my palm over my pale cheek before my gaze dipped to the large brown, ornately carved box that held my mother’s face paint and spackle. I’d always cringed at smearing dirt on my skin, but I couldn’t deny how men reacted to her when they saw her all done up. They certainly didn’t pay attention to me like that unless you counted the time Lloyd Schumer tripped me in the hall after lunch in the third grade. I had to wear a brace on my wrist for three weeks and the school nurse told me he must have thought I was cute. I was cuter without the stupid wrist guard. I didn’t like boys at all after that.

Flipping open the lid, I rifled through it, finding her mascara that made her eyes look like spider legs. I’d seen her apply her makeup a million times and as I began to apply it to my own face, I realized it wasn’t all that hard. It was kind of fun once the Valium kicked in and I was able to steady my hand long enough to draw a straight line.

***

August 5, 2015

Twenty minutes and a few swear words later, my face had been recreated and it didn’t look half bad. It would take some time to get used to myself looking more grown up, but it was a change I could learn to like.

Tightening my towel around my chest, I hurried into my bedroom, avoiding my mother so I wouldn’t have to listen to a lecture about using her things or worse, praising me for finally becoming just like her. I dropped the swath of fabric as I pulled open my closet, my eyes dancing over the contents as I tried to find something that didn’t make me look like a life-sized doll. My mom was big on dresses and matching short and shirt combos. Flipping open the magazine I’d left on my nightstand, I turned a few pages before my eyes narrowed on an equestrian-inspired ensemble. The knee high, brown leather boots looked a lot like the ones I’d gotten from our ski trip two years ago. I grabbed them from the floor of my closet and tossed them on the bed. Next, I pulled a lacy, white knee-length dress I’d gotten for picture day last year. Paired with a light gray cardigan, I almost looked like I wasn’t an overgrown toddler.

I hurried up and pulled on my outfit, sneaking a few glances out of the window to ensure the vehicle was still parked in its place.

Tucking my still damp hair behind my ear and took a deep breath, swaying as the Valium pumped its way through my veins, lulling me into a false sense of calm.

“He’s just a guy,” I whispered aloud before hurrying out of my room and down the stairs to the front door before I lost my nerve.

The sun was, even more, oppressive today than it had been all week, but I was used to the weather after all of these years. We moved to DeRidder, Louisiana when I was ten, my father taking on a high profile case about a man who was publicly beaten by a mob after a peaceful rally for equality. It had made national news and helped move my father’s career into the spotlight. I missed North Carolina, where the air wasn’t as thick and the rest of my family still resides.

My tongue ran over my dry lips as I focused on my walk toward the mailbox. It felt like my hips swayed a little too far and I was sure I looked like I was waddling like a duck.

“You’re not even going to say hi to me?”

I glanced to my right, my eyes dancing over Silas who looked like he’d grown a foot since the last time we’d talked.

“I almost didn’t recognize you,” I replied as we met next to my mailbox.

“I could say the same for you,” He joked as his eyes travelled down my body and he smiled a wide, toothy grin. He was your typical boy next door with deep chocolate eyes and an IQ that made me trip over my tongue whenever we spoke, which was becoming less and less.

“Yeah, I start high school next week. I thought I’d try to look the part.” I tucked my hair behind my ear nervously.

“What a shame.”

“Does it look that bad?”

He lifted his hand and ran the pad of his thumb down the length of my nose. “You can’t see your freckles anymore.” His finger moved along my jaw. “You had some here that looked just like the Aries constellation.”

“Oh,” I whispered wondering when his boring science talk suddenly sounded so interesting all of the sudden. His hand fell to his side and he smiled. “Speaking of change, you sure look… different.”

Now it was his face that seemed to redden from my words. “Yeah. You know what they say. The only thing constant is change.”

“What a shame,” I repeated his words, earning me a broader grin.

“I gotta get going.  Promise me you’ll let me take you to school on your first day.” He took a few steps backward as he waited for my reply.

“I’ll ask my dad,” I conceded as he turned and walked back up the sidewalk toward his house.

I grabbed the mail, flipping through it as I slowed my pace back to my house.

“It’s a hot one today, Cher
[20]
,” a voice called out, startling me and sending the mail fluttering to the sidewalk below.

“Shoot,” I muttered, bending down but keeping my knees pressed together as I tried to gather the envelopes in my short dress. I could hear footsteps on the gravel of the street, thudding in time with my troubled heart.

“A little jumpy today, ya?” Daven was at my side, gathering up the mail for me. I stood, thanking him as he handed it over.

His face was freshly shaven for the first time in weeks.

“I just didn’t see you out here.”

“You’re not wearing your glasses. How’s ya mamma ’n ’em
[21]
?”

“Everyone is doing well.” I hesitated, unsure if I should ask him about how he is doing, knowing this past year had been a rollercoaster. My eyes went to the blurry, black Impala and I squinted trying to bring it into focus. “Really cool car. Is it new?”

“Naw… that belongs to my nephew, Kaden. He’s probably about your age. Came to stay with me for a bit while he gets sorted out.”

“Oh.” I furrowed my brow, trying my best to appear surprised. “He has good taste. Looks better with the side molding. The SS is too plain.”

A smile spread across Daven’s face and I felt mine heat. I must not have said that correctly. I knew I should have checked a few more sources or, at least, looked at a few pictures.

“I never pegged you for a car buff.”

“Oh… I’m not. I just… I am going to be getting a car of my own soon and those older cars are safer.” My voice trailed off as I looked at the ground between us, the papers in my hand rustling as my fingers shook.
Safer? They didn’t even have airbags, did they? God, if I couldn’t talk normally around Daven, how was I going to be able to speak to Kaden?

“Well, maybe my nephew can take you out for a drive later, ya’? Let you see what you think. In turn, maybe you can show him around town. I know I’d be grateful not to have to worry about school shopping tonight.”

Now it was me who had a grin I couldn’t contain. “Sure. Maybe.” I shook my head. “I mean, it’s whatever. I’d have to ask my parents.” I shrugged as I took a few backward steps toward my home. “Merci
[22]
,” I called out before turning my back on him so I could silently squeal, crumpling the mail in my hands.

“F'sho
[23]
.”

I was disappointed I didn’t get to see the boy himself but soon, if my father approved, I may just get to sit by his side in that big car. My mind flashed to the wide bench seat and I was once again thankful he hadn’t chosen the SS model that came with the bucket seats. I wondered if he’d done that on purpose and then frowned thinking about all of the girls that have probably slid across that seat to snuggle into his side.

“What are you pouting about?” My brother asked as he bit into a ruby red apple. I closed the front door behind me and rolled my eyes as I tossed the mail on the table inside of the door. I turned to face him, making sure he had a clear view of my mouth before I began to speak. When he was seven, a viral ear infection of the cochlea had left him partially deaf. He quickly learned to read lips, making his condition virtually unnoticeable, masking his insecurity.

“I’m not, Elik. Why are you here?”

“I live here, remember? And I can tell when you’re lying. You do that stupid,
I smell something rank
face.”

“No, you live at college and maybe I smelled you. You practically bathe in that crappy body spray,” I groaned as I disappeared into the kitchen, pulling open the fridge. I heard his feet shuffle across the floor behind me. Physically, he was the male version of me, with short, slightly darker hair and dark eyes. He could do no wrong in my parent’s eyes because they often looked the other way. He was an athlete who studied round the clock to become a lawyer, just like our father.

“I’ve been back in town for two days. Danny and I broke up. How did you not notice I was here?”

I peered around the door, cocking my eyebrow. “Seriously? You’re gone all hours of the night and sleep all day. How
would
I know?” My mind had been so preoccupied lately that I wouldn’t have noticed if Dad had grown a second head. “Sorry about Danny. I’m sure he will get over whatever it is you’ve done this time. Maybe now you can focus on school.”

“Speaking of school, you ready to go back?” He took another bite of the apple before tossing the core toward the garbage can. It missed, bouncing off the edge and rolling toward the island. I glared at him before rolling my eyes and grabbing his trash for him and dropping it in the can.

“It’s good to see you’ve been practicing. Dad will be pleased,” I snorted before continuing our conversation. “It’s nice to get out of the house.”

“That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Make some friends and have a little fun.”

“Oh, sure. Mom would just love that.” I rolled my eyes as I pictured her clutching her pearls as if she may faint at the very suggestion.

“So don’t tell her.”

“You’re telling me to lie to mom? Me? The girl who once confessed to
your
crimes because I thought I was going into anaphylactic shock from an allergy to deception?” I narrowed my eyes in disbelief that he would even suggest I do something like that. It would be suicide. Pure and simple.

“No more of a lie than mom and dad assuming Danny was short for Danielle and not Daniel.” He winked and I couldn’t help but chuckle at how far they’ve gone to ignore their own son’s sexual orientation. “I’m just telling you to live your own life, Lila Jane. You’re not a kid anymore.” Patting me on the shoulder, he disappeared into the den, leaving me wondering if I could actually tell a lie without throwing up on my shoes. One thing was for certain, I didn’t want to be like my brother. I’d rather lie to the world instead of lying to myself.