The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (919 page)

shines; I'll make a sop o' the moonshine of you:

draw, you whoreson cullionly barber-monger, draw.

Drawing his sword

What a cheeky scoundrel you are, to deny that you

know me! Wasn't it just two days ago that I tripped you up

and beat you in front of the King? Draw, you

rogue; although it's night, the moon is out;

I'll let the moonshine into you:

draw, you vile vain son of a whore, draw.

OSWALD

Away! I have nothing to do with thee.

Get lost! I've got no quarrel with you.

KENT

Draw, you rascal: you come with letters against the

king; and take vanity the puppet's part against the

royalty of her father: draw, you rogue, or I'll so

carbonado your shanks: draw, you rascal; come your ways.

Draw, you rascal: you are carrying letters against the

King, and you have taken the side of that vain puppet

against the royalty of her father: draw, you rogue, or I'll

make mincemeat of you: draw, you rascal, bring it on.

OSWALD

Help, ho! murder! help!

Bring me help! Murder! Help!

KENT

Strike, you slave; stand, rogue, stand; you neat

slave, strike.

Beating him

Fight, you slave; stand up, you rogue; you foppish

slave, fight.

OSWALD

Help, ho! murder! murder!

Enter EDMUND, with his rapier drawn, CORNWALL, REGAN, GLOUCESTER, and Servants

Help, here! Murder! Murder!

EDMUND

How now! What's the matter?

What's this! What's the quarrel?

KENT

With you, goodman boy, an you please: come, I'll

flesh ye; come on, young master.

It's with you, you cheeky boy, if you want it to be: come on, I'll

teach you; come on, little man.

GLOUCESTER

Weapons! arms! What 's the matter here?

Weapons! Fighting! What's the argument about?

CORNWALL

Keep peace, upon your lives:

He dies that strikes again. What is the matter?

Stop this, if you value your lives:

whoever carries on is dead. Why are you fighting?

REGAN

The messengers from our sister and the king.

These are the messengers from my sister and the King.

CORNWALL

What is your difference? speak.

What are you quarrelling about? Speak.

OSWALD

I am scarce in breath, my lord.

I can hardly breathe, my lord.

KENT

No marvel, you have so bestirred your valour. You

cowardly rascal, nature disclaims in thee: a

tailor made thee.

It's no wonder, you've put such a strain on your bravery.

You cowardly rascal, you can't be a real man:

you're made of cloth.

CORNWALL

Thou art a strange fellow: a tailor make a man?

You are a strange fellow: a man made by a tailor?

KENT

Ay, a tailor, sir: a stone-cutter or painter could

not have made him so ill, though he had been but two

hours at the trade.

Yes, a tailor, sir: a mason or a painter would not

have made such a bad job of it, even if he had

only been in business for a couple of hours.

CORNWALL

Speak yet, how grew your quarrel?

Now speak, what started your argument?

OSWALD

This ancient ruffian, sir, whose life I have spared

at suit of his gray beard,--

This old scoundrel, sir, whose life I have spared

out of respect for his grey beard–

KENT

Thou whoreson zed! thou unnecessary letter! My

lord, if you will give me leave, I will tread this

unbolted villain into mortar, and daub the wall of

a jakes with him. Spare my gray beard, you wagtail?

You worthless Z! You unnecessary letter!

My lord, if you allow me, I will crush this

effeminate rascal into plaster, and cover the walls

of a toilet with him. Spare my grey beard, you bantamweight?

CORNWALL

Peace, sirrah!

You beastly knave, know you no reverence?

Be quiet, sir!

You beastly knave, have you no respect?

KENT

Yes, sir; but anger hath a privilege.

Yes, sir, but anger is allowed to take liberties.

CORNWALL

Why art thou angry?

Why are you angry?

KENT

That such a slave as this should wear a sword,

Who wears no honesty. Such smiling rogues as these,

Like rats, oft bite the holy cords a-twain

Which are too intrinse t' unloose; smooth every passion

That in the natures of their lords rebel;

Bring oil to fire, snow to their colder moods;

Renege, affirm, and turn their halcyon beaks

With every gale and vary of their masters,

Knowing nought, like dogs, but following.

A plague upon your epileptic visage!

Smile you my speeches, as I were a fool?

Goose, if I had you upon Sarum plain,

I'ld drive ye cackling home to Camelot.

To see that a slave like this has a sword,

when he has no honesty. Smiling rascals like this,

like rats, often bite the sacred bonds apart

which are too strongly knotted to untie; they encourage

every passion that blows up in their lord's minds;

they throw oil on the fire, add snow when they are cold;

they betray, swear, and spin around like weathervanes

at every gale and gust from their masters;

like dogs, they only know how to follow.

A curse upon your twitching face!

Do you smile at my speech, as if I were a fool?

You goose, if I had you on Salisbury plain,

I'd drive you cackling home to Winchester.

CORNWALL

Why, art thou mad, old fellow?

What, old fellow, are you mad?

GLOUCESTER

How fell you out? say that.

Tell us what caused the argument.

KENT

No contraries hold more antipathy

Than I and such a knave.

There are no two such opposites

as me and a scoundrel like this.

CORNWALL

Why dost thou call him a knave? What's his offence?

Why are you calling him a scoundrel? What's he done?

KENT

His countenance likes me not.

I don't like his face.

CORNWALL

No more, perchance, does mine, nor his, nor hers.

And maybe you don't like mine, or his, or hers.

KENT

Sir, 'tis my occupation to be plain:

I have seen better faces in my time

Than stands on any shoulder that I see

Before me at this instant.

Sir, it's my job to be straightforward:

I have seen better faces in my time

than any of the ones

I can see at the moment.

CORNWALL

This is some fellow,

Who, having been praised for bluntness, doth affect

A saucy roughness, and constrains the garb

Quite from his nature: he cannot flatter, he,

An honest mind and plain, he must speak truth!

An they will take it, so; if not, he's plain.

These kind of knaves I know, which in this plainness

Harbour more craft and more corrupter ends

Than twenty silly ducking observants

That stretch their duties nicely.

This is some chap who,

having been praised for plain speaking, now tries

a coarse cheekiness, and twists his speech

into double meanings: he likes to think he will not flatter,

that he has an honest plain mind, so he must speak the truth!

People have to believe him, if they don't he's uncovered.

I know these kind of scoundrels, in their blunt speaking

they have more trickery and corrupt plans

than twenty backside kissing servants

doing their duties as well as  they can.

KENT

Sir, in good sooth, in sincere verity,

Under the allowance of your great aspect,

Whose influence, like the wreath of radiant fire

On flickering Phoebus' front,--

Sir, in good faith, with sincere truth,

with the permission of your noble face,

whose influence, like the ring of radiant fire

flickering around the sun–

CORNWALL

What mean'st by this?

What do you mean by this?

KENT

To go out of my dialect, which you

discommend so much. I know, sir, I am no

flatterer: he that beguiled you in a plain

accent was a plain knave; which for my part

I will not be, though I should win your displeasure

to entreat me to 't.

I'm changing my speech, which you

so disapproved of. I know, sir, that I am no

flatterer: when you have been tripped in a plain

accent you have been tricked by a plain knave;

I will not be such a person, even if you don't like it.

CORNWALL

What was the offence you gave him?

How did you offend him?

OSWALD

I never gave him any:

It pleased the king his master very late

To strike at me, upon his misconstruction;

When he, conjunct and flattering his displeasure,

Tripp'd me behind; being down, insulted, rail'd,

And put upon him such a deal of man,

That worthied him, got praises of the king

For him attempting who was self-subdued;

And, in the fleshment of this dread exploit,

Drew on me here again.

 I didn't:

recently his master the King decided

to hit me, due to being misled by him;

when he, joining in and backing up his anger,

tripped me from behind; once I was down he insulted

and ranted at me, made out he was such a great man

to get himself honour, and got praise from the King

for attacking someone who was controlling himself;

and in his excitement at this foul deed

he decided to try it on with me again here.

KENT

None of these rogues and cowards

But Ajax is their fool.

There's not one of these rogues and cowards

who doesn't think he's a great warrior.