The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (914 page)

length again, tarry: but away! go to; have you

wisdom? so.

Pushes OSWALD out

Come on sir, get up and get out! I'll teach you

to show disrespect! If you want to be knocked down

again, hang around: get lost! Get out; do you know

what's good for you? Right.

KING LEAR

Now, my friendly knave, I thank thee: there's

earnest of thy service.

Giving KENT money

Enter Fool

Now, my friendly knave, I thank you: here's

a reward for your service.

Fool

Let me hire him too: here's my coxcomb.

Offering KENT his cap

 Let me hire him too: here's my jester's cap.

KING LEAR

How now, my pretty knave! how dost thou?

Aha, my pretty knave! How are you?

Fool

Sirrah, you were best take my coxcomb.

Sir, you had better take my jester's hat.

KENT

Why, fool?

Why, fool?

Fool

Why, for taking one's part that's out of favour:

nay, an thou canst not smile as the wind sits,

thou'lt catch cold shortly: there, take my coxcomb:

why, this fellow has banished two on's daughters,

and did the third a blessing against his will; if

thou follow him, thou must needs wear my coxcomb.

How now, nuncle! Would I had two coxcombs and two daughters!

Why,  for taking the side of someone who is out of favor:

if you can't see which way the wind blows,

you'll catch a cold shortly: so, take my jester's hat:

this fellow has given freedom to two of his daughters,

and done the third a good turn without meaning to;

if you follow him, you need my jester's hat.

How are you then, nuncle? I wish I had two hats and two daughters!

KING LEAR

Why, my boy?

Why, my boy?

Fool

If I gave them all my living, I'ld keep my coxcombs

myself. There's mine; beg another of thy daughters.

If I gave them my whole fortune, I would keep my fool's

hats for myself. Here is mine; ask your daughters for another one.

KING LEAR

Take heed, sirrah; the whip.

 Be careful, sir; remember the whip.

Fool

Truth's a dog must to kennel; he must be whipped

out, when Lady the brach may stand by the fire and stink.

Truth's a dog who must be contained; he must be

whipped, when the bitch can stand by the fire and stink.

KING LEAR

A pestilent gall to me!

You annoy me!

Fool

Sirrah, I'll teach thee a speech.

Sir, I'll teach you a speech.

KING LEAR

Do.

Do so.

Fool

Mark it, nuncle:

Have more than thou showest,

Speak less than thou knowest,

Lend less than thou owest,

Ride more than thou goest,

Learn more than thou trowest,

Set less than thou throwest;

Leave thy drink and thy whore,

And keep in-a-door,

And thou shalt have more

Than two tens to a score.

Make a note of it, nuncle:

have more than  you show,

speak less than you know,

lend less than you owe,

ride more than you walk,

learn more than you guess,

don't gamble everything,

leave your drink and your whore,

keep indoors,

and you shall have more

than twenty shillings in your pound.

KENT

This is nothing, fool.

This means nothing, fool.

Fool

Then 'tis like the breath of an unfee'd lawyer; you

gave me nothing for't. Can you make no use of

nothing, nuncle?

Then it's like the breath of an unpaid lawyer; you

didn't give me anything for it. Have you no use for

nothing, nuncle?

KING LEAR

Why, no, boy; nothing can be made out of nothing.

Why, no, boy; you can't make anything from nothing.

Fool

[To KENT] Prithee, tell him, so much the rent of

his land comes to: he will not believe a fool.

Please, tell him, that's what the rent for

his land is worth: he won't believe a fool.

KING LEAR

A bitter fool!

You're a sarcastic fool!

Fool

Dost thou know the difference, my boy, between a

bitter fool and a sweet fool?

Do you know the difference, my boy, between

a bitter fool and a sweet fool?

KING LEAR

No, lad; teach me.

No, lad; teach me.

Fool

That lord that counsell'd thee

To give away thy land,

Come place him here by me,

Do thou for him stand:

The sweet and bitter fool

Will presently appear;

The one in motley here,

The other found out there.

The lord who advised you

to give away your land,

come and put him next to me,

you stand in for him:

in a moment you will see

the sweet and the bitter fool;

I am here in uniform,

and there's the other one.

KING LEAR

Dost thou call me fool, boy?

Are you calling me a fool, boy?

Fool

All thy other titles thou hast given away; that

thou wast born with.

You've given away all your other titles; that one

you were born with.

KENT

This is not altogether fool, my lord.

This is not a complete fool, my lord.

Fool

No, faith, lords and great men will not let me; if

I had a monopoly out, they would have part on't:

and ladies too, they will not let me have all fool

to myself; they'll be snatching. Give me an egg,

nuncle, and I'll give thee two crowns.

No, by God,  lords and great men will not let me have it all;

if I had a monopoly on foolishness, they would insist on a share:

and the ladies too, they will not let me have all the foolishness

for myself; they would snatch some. Give me an egg,

nuncle, and I'll give you two crowns.

KING LEAR

What two crowns shall they be?

And what two crowns are those?

Fool

Why, after I have cut the egg i' the middle, and eat

up the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou

clovest thy crown i' the middle, and gavest away

both parts, thou borest thy ass on thy back o'er

the dirt: thou hadst little wit in thy bald crown,

when thou gavest thy golden one away. If I speak

like myself in this, let him be whipped that first

finds it so.

Singing

Fools had ne'er less wit in a year;

For wise men are grown foppish,

They know not how their wits to wear,

Their manners are so apish.

Why, after I have cut the egg in half, and eaten

the contents, you shall have the crowns of the shell.

When you cut your crown in half, and gave away

both halves, you carried your ass on your back

over the dirt: there wasn't much sense in your bald crown

when you gave your golden one away. If I

am speaking like a fool, let the first one who sees

it's true be whipped.

Fools were never so little needed as now

when wise men have grown so foolish,

they don't know how to use their wits,

they're more like apes than anything.

KING LEAR

When were you wont to be so full of songs, sirrah?

Since when were you so full of songs, sir?

Fool

I have used it, nuncle, ever since thou madest thy

daughters thy mothers: for when thou gavest them

the rod, and put'st down thine own breeches,

Singing

Then they for sudden joy did weep,

And I for sorrow sung,

That such a king should play bo-peep,

And go the fools among.

Prithee, nuncle, keep a schoolmaster that can teach

thy fool to lie: I would fain learn to lie.

Ever since, nuncle, you made your

daughters your mothers: you gave them

the cane, and pulled down your pants,

Then they suddenly wept for joy,

and I sang out of sadness,

to see such a great king playing hide and seek

amongst the fools.

Please, uncle, employ a schoolmaster that can teach

your fool to lie: I would like to learn to lie.

KING LEAR

An you lie, sirrah, we'll have you whipped.

If you lie, sir, we'll have you whipped.

Fool

I marvel what kin thou and thy daughters are:

they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt

have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am

whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any

kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be

thee, nuncle; thou hast pared thy wit o' both sides,

and left nothing i' the middle: here comes one o'

the parings.

Enter GONERIL

It's amazing that you and your daughters are related:

they want to whip me for telling the truth, you

for lying; and sometimes I am

whipped for keeping quiet. I'd rather be

anything but a fool: and yet I would not want to be

you, nuncle; you have shaved your sense on both sides

and left nothing in the middle: here comes one of

the shavings.

KING LEAR

How now, daughter! what makes that frontlet on?

Methinks you are too much of late i' the frown.

Hello there, daughter! What's that round your forehead?

I think you frown too much these days.

Fool

Thou wast a pretty fellow when thou hadst no need to

care for her frowning; now thou art an O without a

figure: I am better than thou art now; I am a fool,

thou art nothing.

To GONERIL

Yes, forsooth, I will hold my tongue; so your face

bids me, though you say nothing. Mum, mum,

He that keeps nor crust nor crum,