The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (863 page)

You are still the bearer of good news.

Thou still hast been the father of good news.

LORD POLONIUS

Am I, my lord? I assure you I take my duty to the King as seriously as my soul to God. I think I know what may be wrong with Hamlet and causing him to act so crazily.

Have I, my lord? I assure my good liege,I hold my duty, as I hold my soul,Both to my God and to my gracious king:And I do think, or else this brain of mineHunts not the trail of policy so sureAs it hath used to do, that I have foundThe very cause of Hamlet's lunacy.

KING CLAUDIUS

Do tell me what I long to hear.

O, speak of that; that do I long to hear.

LORD POLONIUS

First, let me get the ambassadors. My news will be the cherry on top of what they have to say.

Give first admittance to the ambassadors;My news shall be the fruit to that great feast.

KING CLAUDIUS

Sure. Bring them in.

Thyself do grace to them, and bring them in.

Exit POLONIUS

Polonius tells me, my sweet queen, he may know what is wrong with your son.

He tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath foundThe head and source of all your son's distemper.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I doubt it is anything other than the death of his father and our hasty marriage.

I doubt it is no other but the main;His father's death, and our o'erhasty marriage.

KING CLAUDIUS

Well, we will hear him out.

Well, we shall sift him.

Re-enter POLONIUS, with VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS

Welcome, good friends! What do you know, Voltimand, about our neighbor Norway?

Welcome, my good friends!Say, Voltimand, what from our brother Norway?

VOLTIMAND

Thank you, your highness. When we first visited Norway, your brother sent out soldiers to stop his nephew. He thought Fortinbras was preparing to attack the Poles, but at a second look, he discovered the attack was meant for you. This news made him sick, so he arrested Fortinbras, who in turn, vowed to his uncle to not send arms against Denmark. His uncle, being so overjoyed by his nephew’s vows, gave him an increase in his annual salary and permission to employ soldiers to attack the Poles.

Most fair return of greetings and desires.Upon our first, he sent out to suppressHis nephew's levies; which to him appear'dTo be a preparation 'gainst the Polack;But, better look'd into, he truly foundIt was against your highness: whereat grieved,That so his sickness, age and impotenceWas falsely borne in hand, sends out arrestsOn Fortinbras; which he, in brief, obeys;Receives rebuke from Norway, and in fineMakes vow before his uncle never moreTo give the assay of arms against your majesty.Whereon old Norway, overcome with joy,Gives him three thousand crowns in annual fee,And his commission to employ those soldiers,So levied as before, against the Polack:With an entreaty, herein further shown,

Giving a paper

He asks for safe passage through Denmark for this mission.

That it might please you to give quiet passThrough your dominions for this enterprise,On such regards of safety and allowanceAs therein are set down.

KING CLAUDIUS

I think that will be fine but I will read it later and make my decision. In the meantime, thank you for your work. Go get some rest for tonight we will feast together. Welcome home!

It likes us well;And at our more consider'd time well read,Answer, and think upon this business.Meantime we thank you for your well-took labour:Go to your rest; at night we'll feast together:Most welcome home!

Exeunt VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS

LORD POLONIUS

Well, that turned out well. My liege and madam, to think about what is majestic, what duty is, why day is day, night is night, and time is time, is a waste of time. To be serious for a moment, and I will be brief, I think your son is crazy. I call it crazy, because I don’t know a better word to describe his actions. But, let’s put madness aside.

This business is well ended.My liege, and madam, to expostulateWhat majesty should be, what duty is,Why day is day, night night, and time is time,Were nothing but to waste night, day and time.Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,I will be brief: your noble son is mad:Mad call I it; for, to define true madness,What is't but to be nothing else but mad?But let that go.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Get to the point and don’t embellish the truth.

More matter, with less art.

LORD POLONIUS

Madam, I swear I am telling the truth. Hamlet is mad. It is pitiful and true. I am not embellishing the truth. If he is mad, and I think he is, then we must find the cause of his craziness, because it must be caused by something. You see, I have a daughter, for now, who is dutiful and obedient in giving me this. Now listen and see what you think.

Madam, I swear I use no art at all.That he is mad, 'tis true: 'tis true 'tis pity;And pity 'tis 'tis true: a foolish figure;But farewell it, for I will use no art.Mad let us grant him, then: and now remainsThat we find out the cause of this effect,Or rather say, the cause of this defect,For this effect defective comes by cause:Thus it remains, and the remainder thus. Perpend.I have a daughter--have while she is mine--Who, in her duty and obedience, mark,Hath given me this: now gather, and surmise.

Reads

“To the heavenly idol of my soul, the most beautiful Ophelia,”—That’s a little forward and calling her beautiful is definitely bold. But listen.

'To the celestial and my soul's idol, the mostbeautified Ophelia,'--That's an ill phrase, a vile phrase; 'beautified' isa vile phrase: but you shall hear. Thus:

Reads

“In her excellent white bosom, et cetera.”

'In her excellent white bosom, these, & c.'

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Hamlet sent this to her?

Came this from Hamlet to her?

LORD POLONIUS

Yes madam, listen for there is more.

Good madam, stay awhile; I will be faithful.

Reads

“You may doubt the stars are made of fire, the sun moves, or truth is a liar, but never doubt my love for you. “Oh dear Ophelia, I am not good at putting my feelings into words, but know I love you best, the best of all. Believe it. Goodbye.” “Yours truly, my dear lady, as long as I live.” My daughter in her obedience gave me this letter and told me how he has wooed her.

'Doubt thou the stars are fire;Doubt that the sun doth move;Doubt truth to be a liar;But never doubt I love.'O dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers;I have not art to reckon my groans: but thatI love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu.'Thine evermore most dear lady, whilstthis machine is to him, HAMLET.'This, in obedience, hath my daughter shown me,And more above, hath his solicitings,As they fell out by time, by means and place,All given to mine ear.

KING CLAUDIUS

How does she feel about him?

But how hath sheReceived his love?

LORD POLONIUS

What do you take me for?

What do you think of me?

KING CLAUDIUS

I think you are a faithful and honorable man.

As of a man faithful and honourable.

LORD POLONIUS

I should hope so. But, what would you have thought of me if I had turned my head when I saw this blossoming love? What would you or your majesty the queen thought if I had not acted on what I saw? No, I took action. I told my daughter, “Lord Hamlet is a prince and not of your same position in life.” Then, I ordered her to stay away from him, take no messages from him, or any gifts. When she did this, he fell into such a sadness that he could not eat, which led to a weak state that turned into madness. All of this took place while we were preoccupied by the situation with Fortinbras.

I would fain prove so. But what might you think,When I had seen this hot love on the wing--As I perceived it, I must tell you that,Before my daughter told me--what might you,Or my dear majesty your queen here, think,If I had play'd the desk or table-book,Or given my heart a winking, mute and dumb,Or look'd upon this love with idle sight;What might you think? No, I went round to work,And my young mistress thus I did bespeak:'Lord Hamlet is a prince, out of thy star;This must not be:' and then I precepts gave her,That she should lock herself from his resort,Admit no messengers, receive no tokens.Which done, she took the fruits of my advice;And he, repulsed--a short tale to make--Fell into a sadness, then into a fast,Thence to a watch, thence into a weakness,Thence to a lightness, and, by this declension,Into the madness wherein now he raves,And all we mourn for.

KING CLAUDIUS

Do you think this is possible?

Do you think 'tis this?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

It is possible and quite possible.

It may be, very likely.

LORD POLONIUS

Have I ever told you something I thought was true and it turned out not to be?

Hath there been such a time--I'd fain know that--That I have positively said 'Tis so,'When it proved otherwise?

KING CLAUDIUS

Not that I know of.

Not that I know.

LORD POLONIUS

[Pointing to his head and shoulder]
Not that I know of.

If it is not the truth, I will find out what is if I have to go the center of the world.

Take this from this, if this be otherwise:If circumstances lead me, I will findWhere truth is hid, though it were hid indeedWithin the centre.

KING CLAUDIUS

What can we do to find out?

How may we try it further?

LORD POLONIUS

Sometimes he walks for hours here in the lobby.

You know, sometimes he walks four hours togetherHere in the lobby.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

He does indeed.

So he does indeed.

LORD POLONIUS

When he is walking, I will allow my daughter to go to him. We will hide and watch what happens. If he doesn’t love her and his love is not the reason for his breakdown then I will no longer be an assistant for the state, but a farmer.

At such a time I'll loose my daughter to him:Be you and I behind an arras then;Mark the encounter: if he love her notAnd be not from his reason fall'n thereon,Let me be no assistant for a state,But keep a farm and carters.

KING CLAUDIUS

Okay, we will try it.

We will try it.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Here he comes, the sad fellow, walking and reading.

But, look, where sadly the poor wretch comes reading.

LORD POLONIUS

Go. Both of you go away and I’ll talk to him.

Away, I do beseech you, both away:I'll board him presently.

Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and Attendants

Enter HAMLET, reading

How are you Hamlet?

O, give me leave:How does my good Lord Hamlet?

HAMLET

I’m well, thanks be to God.

Well, God-a-mercy.

LORD POLONIUS

Do you recognize me, my lord?

Do you know me, my lord?

HAMLET

Of course; you’re a fishmonger.

Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.

LORD POLONIUS

No, not me, my lord.

Not I, my lord.

HAMLET

Well, I hope you are an honest man.

Then I would you were so honest a man.

LORD POLONIUS

Oh yes, I am honest, sir.

Honest, my lord!

HAMLET

Yes, it is rare to be honest in this world. Only one out of ten thousand men are honest.

Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to beone man picked out of ten thousand.

LORD POLONIUS

That’s very true, my lord.

That's very true, my lord.

HAMLET

For if the sun causes maggots in a dead dog,--Have you a daughter?

For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being agod kissing carrion,--Have you a daughter?