The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (864 page)

LORD POLONIUS

I do, my lord.

I have, my lord.

HAMLET

Don’t let her walk in the sun. Conception is a blessing, but don’t let your daughter conceive that way, friend.

Let her not walk i' the sun: conception is ablessing: but not as your daughter may conceive.Friend, look to 't.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside]

What do you mean? He is still hung up on my daughter. Yet, he didn’t know me at first. He thought I was a fishmonger. He is far gone, and I remember suffering from love’s sting in my youth. I’ll try to talk to him again. What are you reading, my lord?

How say you by that? Still harping on mydaughter: yet he knew me not at first; he said Iwas a fishmonger: he is far gone, far gone: andtruly in my youth I suffered much extremity forlove; very near this. I'll speak to him again.What do you read, my lord?

HAMLET

Words, words, words.

Words, words, words.

LORD POLONIUS

What is the matter, my lord?

What is the matter, my lord?

HAMLET

Between who?

Between who?

LORD POLONIUS

I mean, the subject matter that you read, my lord.

I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.

HAMLET

Lies, sir. The slave to satire says here that old men have gray beards and wrinkled faces, their cloudy eyes are blood-shot, and they have lost their minds as well as their strength. Although, I believe it to be true, I think it is wrong to write it down. Don’t you agree, you being as old as I am, if you could go back in time?  

Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says herethat old men have grey beards, that their faces arewrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber andplum-tree gum and that they have a plentiful lack ofwit, together with most weak hams: all which, sir,though I most powerfully and potently believe, yetI hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, foryourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a crabyou could go backward.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside]

There is some sense in his madness. Will you come outside, my lord?

Though this be madness, yet there is methodin 't. Will you walk out of the air, my lord?

HAMLET

To my grave?

Into my grave.

LORD POLONIUS

Well, that is outside.

Indeed, that is out o' the air.

Aside

He seems to be hinting at something with his answers. He seems so happy, too; a happiness only possible through insanity. I will leave him and arrange a later meeting between him and my daughter.—My honorable lord, I am leaving now.

How pregnant sometimes his replies are! a happiness
that often madness hits on, which reason and sanity
could not so prosperously be delivered of. I will
leave him, and suddenly contrive the means of
meeting between him and my daughter.--My honourable
lord, I will most humbly take my leave of you.

HAMLET

You cannot, sir. Take anything from me except my life, except my life, except my life.

You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will
more willingly part withal: except my life, except
my life, except my life.

LORD POLONIUS

Goodbye, my lord.

Fare you well, my lord.

HAMLET

These are some worrisome old fools!

These tedious old fools!

Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

LORD POLONIUS

If you are looking for the Lord Hamlet, he is over there.

You go to seek the Lord Hamlet; there he is.

ROSENCRANTZ

[To POLONIUS]

Thank you, sir!

God save you, sir!

Exit POLONIUS

GUILDENSTERN

My honored lord!

My honoured lord!

ROSENCRANTZ

My most dear sir!

My most dear lord!

HAMLET

Well, look who it is, my excellent friends! How are you, Guildenstern? And, Rosencrantz! Gentlemen, how are you?

My excellent good friends! How dost thou,
Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?

ROSENCRANTZ

We are well, happy and carefree.

As the indifferent children of the earth.

GUILDENSTERN

Happy, but not overly happy. We have been lucky, but not the luckiest.

Happy, in that we are not over-happy;
On fortune's cap we are not the very button.

HAMLET

But, you haven’t been unlucky?

Nor the soles of her shoe?

ROSENCRANTZ

No, we are fine.

Neither, my lord.

HAMLET

So you live about the waist of Lady Luck.

Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of
her favours?

GUILDENSTERN

Yes, by God, we live somewhere in the middle.

'Faith, her privates we.

HAMLET

Near her secret parts? Oh, she is a whore. What’s going on?

In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she
is a strumpet. What's the news?

ROSENCRANTZ

Nothing, my lord, since there is peace in the world.

None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest.

HAMLET

I guess that means that the end of the world is soon. Let me be more specific: What are doing here in this prison?

Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.
Let me question more in particular: what have you,
my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,
that she sends you to prison hither?

GUILDENSTERN

Prison, my lord!

Prison, my lord!

HAMLET

Denmark’s a prison.

Denmark's a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ

So is the world.

Then is the world one.

HAMLET

Yes, the world has many prisons, and Denmark is the worst.

A goodly one; in which there are many confines,
wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst.

ROSENCRANTZ

We don’t think so, my lord.

We think not so, my lord.

HAMLET

Well, you may not think so, but it is definitely a prison to me.

Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing
either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me
it is a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ

That is because you are so ambitious. You are too big for such a small country.

Why then, your ambition makes it one; 'tis too
narrow for your mind.

HAMLET

Oh, God, I could live in a nut shell and feel like a king, but I have bad dreams.

O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count
myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I
have bad dreams.

GUILDENSTERN

Dreams and ambition are one in the same; ambition is the shadow of a dream.

Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very
substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream.

HAMLET

A dream is just a shadow.

A dream itself is but a shadow.

ROSENCRANTZ

That is true that I think a dream is just a shadow of a shadow.

Truly, and I hold ambition of so airy and light a
quality that it is but a shadow's shadow.

HAMLET

In that case, beggars are real and kings or heroes are the shadows of beggars. Let’s go inside. I can’t think anymore.

Then are our beggars bodies, and our monarchs and
outstretched heroes the beggars' shadows. Shall we
to the court? for, by my fay, I cannot reason.

ROSENCRANTZ
GUILDENSTERN

We’re waiting on you.

We'll wait upon you.

HAMLET

No way. I will not put you with the rest of my servants, because they are dreadful. But, tell me friends, why are you in Elsinore?

No such matter: I will not sort you with the rest
of my servants, for, to speak to you like an honest
man, I am most dreadfully attended. But, in the
beaten way of friendship, what make you at Elsinore?

ROSENCRANTZ

Just to visit you, my lord; no other reason.

To visit you, my lord; no other occasion.

HAMLET

I am a beggar now and am poor in thanks, but, I thank you. My thanks are not even worth very much. Weren’t you sent for? Or was it your own decision? Is this visitation without some purpose? Just tell me, straight.

Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks; but I
thank you: and sure, dear friends, my thanks are
too dear a halfpenny. Were you not sent for? Is it
your own inclining? Is it a free visitation? Come,
deal justly with me: come, come; nay, speak.

GUILDENSTERN

What do you want us to say, my lord?

What should we say, my lord?

HAMLET

Tell me whatever you wish, but answer my question. You were sent for. I can tell by the look on your face. You are not good at lying. I know the good king and queen sent for you.

Why, any thing, but to the purpose. You were sent
for; and there is a kind of confession in your looks
which your modesties have not craft enough to colour:
I know the good king and queen have sent for you.

ROSENCRANTZ

Why would they do that, my lord?

To what end, my lord?

HAMLET

You tell me. But let me remind you of our friendship, starting in our youth, and our love for one another. Tell me directly, if you were sent for.

That you must teach me. But let me conjure you, by
the rights of our fellowship, by the consonancy of
our youth, by the obligation of our ever-preserved
love, and by what more dear a better proposer could
charge you withal, be even and direct with me,
whether you were sent for, or no?

ROSENCRANTZ

[Aside to GUILDENSTERN]

What should we say?

What say you?

HAMLET

[Aside]

I am watching you.—If you love me, don’t lie.

Nay, then, I have an eye of you.--If you
love me, hold not off.

GUILDENSTERN

My lord, we were sent for.

My lord, we were sent for.

HAMLET

Well, I will tell you why you were asked to come. Then, your allegiance to the king and queen will not be broken. Lately, I have been depressed. You know, lost my zeal for life. I did not want to exercise or have any fun. The world is just a foul place. And, man! What a joke! I have no interest in men or manly things, or women, for that matter. I guess you still do, by the smile on your face.

I will tell you why; so shall my anticipation
prevent your discovery, and your secrecy to the king
and queen moult no feather. I have of late--but
wherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone all
custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition that this goodly frame, the
earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most
excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave
o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted
with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to
me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.
What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!
how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how
express and admirable! in action how like an angel!
in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the
world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me,
what is this quintessence of dust? man delights not
me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling
you seem to say so.