The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (861 page)

Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS

MARCELLUS

How are you, my noble lord?

How is't, my noble lord?

HORATIO

What happened, my lord?

What news, my lord?

HAMLET

It was wonderful!

O, wonderful!

HORATIO

Good my lord, tell us.

Good my lord, tell it.

HAMLET

No, you’ll tell someone.

No; you'll reveal it.

HORATIO

Not me, my lord, I swear.

Not I, my lord, by heaven.

MARCELLUS

Nor me, my lord.

Nor I, my lord.

HAMLET

Can you keep a secret?

How say you, then; would heart of man once think it?
But you'll be secret?

HORATIO
MARCELLUS

Yes, we swear, my lord.

Ay, by heaven, my lord.

HAMLET

There’s a villain living in Denmark, an awful scoundrel.

There's ne'er a villain dwelling in all Denmark
But he's an arrant knave.

HORATIO

No ghost needed to tell us that, my lord.

There needs no ghost, my lord, come from the grave
To tell us this.

HAMLET

You are so right. So, I think we should shake hands and go our separate ways, you to your business and me, well, I need to go pray.

Why, right; you are i' the right;
And so, without more circumstance at all,
I hold it fit that we shake hands and part:
You, as your business and desire shall point you;
For every man has business and desire,
Such as it is; and for mine own poor part,
Look you, I'll go pray.

HORATIO

You aren’t making much sense, my lord.

These are but wild and whirling words, my lord.

HAMLET

I’m sorry they offend you. I truly am.

I'm sorry they offend you, heartily;
Yes, 'faith heartily.

HORATIO

I’m not offended, my lord.

There's no offence, my lord.

HAMLET

Oh, but there has been an offense, I swear by Saint Patrick, Horatio. From what the honest ghost says, a large offense, too. I know you want to know what was said, but I must keep it to myself. Now, good friends, you are friends, scholars, and soldiers; I ask but one thing.

Yes, by Saint Patrick, but there is, Horatio,
And much offence too. Touching this vision here,
It is an honest ghost, that let me tell you:
For your desire to know what is between us,
O'ermaster 't as you may. And now, good friends,
As you are friends, scholars and soldiers,
Give me one poor request.

HORATIO

What is it, my lord? We will.

What is't, my lord? we will.

HAMLET

Never tell anyone what you have seen tonight.

Never make known what you have seen to-night.

HORATIO
MARCELLUS

My lord, we will not tell anyone.

My lord, we will not.

HAMLET

No, swear it.

Nay, but swear't.

HORATIO

I swear, my lord, I will never tell.

In faith,
My lord, not I.

MARCELLUS

Nor I, my lord, I swear.

Nor I, my lord, in faith.

HAMLET

Swear upon my sword.

Upon my sword.

MARCELLUS

We have already sworn, my lord.

We have sworn, my lord, already.

HAMLET

You have, but I want you to swear upon my sword.

Indeed, upon my sword, indeed.

Ghost

[Beneath]

Swear.

Swear.

HAMLET

Ha, ha boy! Is that right? Aren’t you helpful? Come on! You hear the fellow down below. Swear.

Ah, ha, boy! say'st thou so? art thou there,
truepenny?
Come on--you hear this fellow in the cellarage--
Consent to swear.

HORATIO

Say the oath, my lord.

Propose the oath, my lord.

HAMLET

Swear by my sword, you will never speak of what you have seen.

Never to speak of this that you have seen,
Swear by my sword.

Ghost

[Beneath]

Swear.

Swear.

HAMLET

He is everywhere. Let’s move. Come over here, gentlemen, and lay your hands upon my sword. Swear you will never tell anyone what you have heard. Swear by my sword.

Hic et ubique? then we'll shift our ground.
Come hither, gentlemen,
And lay your hands again upon my sword:
Never to speak of this that you have heard,
Swear by my sword.

Ghost

[Beneath]

Swear.

 Swear.

HAMLET

Well said, old mole! I wished I could move that fast. He is a worthy pioneer! Try again, good friends.

Well said, old mole! canst work i' the earth so fast?
A worthy pioner! Once more remove, good friends.

HORATIO

I swear this is weird.

O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!

HAMLET

Yes, it is strange, but you want to know. First, there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than you know about. But, listen to what I am about to say. No matter how I act or what I say, and undoubtedly, I will act crazy and say inane things in the future, you must not let on you know what is going on. You may never say, “Oh, just as I thought,” or “If you only knew.” Swear it!

And therefore as a stranger give it welcome.
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come;
Here, as before, never, so help you mercy,
How strange or odd soe'er I bear myself,
As I perchance hereafter shall think meet
To put an antic disposition on,
That you, at such times seeing me, never shall,
With arms encumber'd thus, or this headshake,
Or by pronouncing of some doubtful phrase,
As 'Well, well, we know,' or 'We could, an if we would,'
Or 'If we list to speak,' or 'There be, an if they might,'
Or such ambiguous giving out, to note
That you know aught of me: this not to do,
So grace and mercy at your most need help you, Swear.

Ghost

[Beneath]

Swear.

Swear.

HAMLET

Rest, poor spirit. So, gentlemen, I give you all my love and will repay you for your friendship. Let’s go back inside together, but you must stay quiet, please. You must not talk about any of this. I know it is extremely strange, and I curse the day I am supposed to set everything straight. Come on, let’s go inside.

Rest, rest, perturbed spirit!

So, gentlemen,
With all my love I do commend me to you:
And what so poor a man as Hamlet is
May do, to express his love and friending to you,
God willing, shall not lack. Let us go in together;
And still your fingers on your lips, I pray.
The time is out of joint: O cursed spite,
That ever I was born to set it right!
Nay, come, let's go together.

Exeunt

A room in POLONIUS' house

Enter POLONIUS and REYNALDO

LORD POLONIUS

Give him this money and these notes, Reynaldo.

Give him this money and these notes, Reynaldo.

REYNALDO

I will, my lord.

I will, my lord.

LORD POLONIUS

It would be wise, Reynaldo, before you visit him, to find out what he’s been up to.

You shall do marvellous wisely, good Reynaldo,Before you visit him, to make inquireOf his behavior.

REYNALDO

Those were my intentions, my lord.

My lord, I did intend it.

LORD POLONIUS

Good, well said. Ask around and find out what Danes are in Paris—who they are, where they live, how they make money and who their friends are? Also, find out if they know my son. You will find out more by asking these questions than if you enquired directly about him. Just say you are a friend of his father and vaguely know him. Understand, Reynaldo?

Marry, well said; very well said. Look you, sir,Inquire me first what Danskers are in Paris;And how, and who, what means, and where they keep,What company, at what expense; and findingBy this encompassment and drift of questionThat they do know my son, come you more nearerThan your particular demands will touch it:Take you, as 'twere, some distant knowledge of him;As thus, 'I know his father and his friends,And in part him: ' do you mark this, Reynaldo?

REYNALDO

No problem, sir.

Ay, very well, my lord.

LORD POLONIUS

And you may make up stories about him like he acts wildly or likes to drink, et cetera, but don’t make up anything that would be shameful. You know, make up something believable about someone of his age and position.

'And in part him; but' you may say 'not well:But, if't be he I mean, he's very wild;Addicted so and so:' and there put on himWhat forgeries you please; marry, none so rankAs may dishonour him; take heed of that;But, sir, such wanton, wild and usual slipsAs are companions noted and most knownTo youth and liberty.