The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (705 page)

for that's the main way she'll be cured.

WOOER

Then she told me

She would watch with me tonight, for well she knew

What hour my fit would take me.

Then she told me

she would sit up with me tonight, for she had a good idea

of the time my desire would come upon me.

DOCTOR

Let her do so,

And when your fit comes, fit her home, and presently.

Let her do so,

and when it comes, share it with her, at once.

WOOER

She would have me sing.

She wanted me to sing.

DOCTOR

You did so?

And did you?

WOOER

No.

No.

DOCTOR

’twas very ill done then.

You should observe her ev’ry way.

That wasn't good then.

You should follow her every whim.

WOOER

Alas,

I have no voice, sir, to confirm her that way.

Alas,

I cannot sing, sir, to please her in that way.

DOCTOR

That’s all one, if ye make a noise.

If she entreat again, do any thing,

Lie with her, if she ask you.

That doesn't matter, as long as you make a noise.

If she asks you again, do anything,

sleep with her, if she asks you.

JAILER

Ho there, doctor!

Hang on now, doctor!

DOCTOR

Yes, in the way of cure.

It's all in the name of a cure.

JAILER

But first, by your leave,

I’ th’ way of honesty.

If you'll excuse me, we should think first

about the name of  virginity.

DOCTOR

That’s but a niceness.

Nev’r cast your child away for honesty.

Cure her first this way; then if she will be honest,

She has the path before her.

That's just a detail.

Never reject your child for the sake of a word.

First cure her this way; then if she wants to be honest,

she'll have the way in front of her.

JAILER

Thank ye, doctor.

Thank you, doctor.

DOCTOR

Pray bring her in

And let’s see how she is.

Please bring her in

and let's see how she is.

JAILER

I will, and tell her

Her Palamon stays for her; but, doctor,

Methinks you are i’ th’ wrong still.

I will, and I'll tell her

her Palamon is waiting for her; but, doctor,

I still think you are wrong.

Exit Jailer.

DOCTOR

Go, go!

You fathers are fine fools. Her honesty!

And we should give her physic till we find that—

Go, go!

You fathers are great fools. Her virginity!

Should we give her medicine until we find that–

WOOER

Why, do you think she is not honest, sir?

What, do you think she's not a virgin, sir?

DOCTOR

How old is she?

How old is she?

WOOER

She’s eighteen.

She's eighteen.

DOCTOR

She may be,

But that’s all one, ’tis nothing to our purpose.

What e’er her father says, if you perceive

Her mood inclining that way that I spoke of,

Videlicet, the way of flesh—you have me?

She may be a virgin,

it's all the same to me, it's nothing to do with us.

Whatever her father says, if you see

her mood starting to go in that direction,

I give you permission, enjoy her–you know what I mean?

WOOER

Yet very well, sir.

Very well, sir.

DOCTOR

Please her appetite,

And do it home; it cures her ipso facto

The melancholy humor that infects her.

Satisfy her,

and do it well; it will cure her of this

depression of hers at once.

WOOER

I am of your mind, doctor.

I agree with you, doctor.

Enter Jailer, Daughter, Maid.

DOCTOR

You’ll find it so. She comes. Pray humor her.

You'll find I'm right. Here she comes. Please humour her.

Wooer retires.

JAILER

Come, your love Palamon stays for you, child,

And has done this long hour, to visit you.

Come, your lover Palamon is waiting for you, child,

and has been for the past hour.

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

I thank him for his gentle patience,

He’s a kind gentleman, and I am much bound to him.

Did you nev’r see the horse he gave me?

I thanked him for his kind patience,

he's a kind gentleman, and I'm devoted to him.

Did you not see the horse he gave me?

JAILER

Yes.

Yes.

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

How do you like him?

What did you think of him?

JAILER

He’s a very fair one.

He's a very good chap.

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

You never saw him dance?

Did you never see him dance?

JAILER

No.

No.

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

I have often.

He dances very finely, very comely,

And for a jig, come cut and long tail to him,

He turns ye like a top.

I've seen him often.

He dances very finely, very gracefully,

and in a jig, come what may,

he spins you like a top.

JAILER

That’s fine indeed.

That's wonderful.

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

He’ll dance the morris twenty mile an hour,

And that will founder the best hobby-horse

(If I have any skill) in all the parish,

And gallops to the tune of “Light a’ love.”

What think you of this horse?

He'll dance a Morris dance at twenty miles an hour,

and that will wear out the best hobbyhorse

(if I know anything about it) in the whole parish,

and he gallops to the tune of “Light of love."

What do you think of this horse?

JAILER

Having these virtues,

I think he might be brought to play at tennis.

As he has all these accomplishments,

I think he should be brought to play tennis.

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

Alas, that’s nothing.

Alas, that's nothing.

JAILER

Can he write and read too?

Can he read and write too?

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

A very fair hand, and casts himself th’ accounts

Of all his hay and provender. That hostler

Must rise betime that cozens him. You know

The chestnut mare the Duke has?

Very nicely, and he adds up all the accounts

for his hay and food. A stableman would have to

get up very early to cheat him. You know

the chestnut mare the Duke has?

JAILER

Very well.

Certainly.

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

She is horribly in love with him, poor beast,

But he is like his master, coy and scornful.

She's massively in love with him, poor beast,

but he's like his master, standoffish and scornful.

JAILER

What dowry has she?

What dowry does she have?

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

Some two hundred bottles,

And twenty strike of oats, but he’ll ne’er have her.

He lisps in ’s neighing able to entice

A miller’s mare, he’ll be the death of her.

About two hundred bundles of hay,

and twenty bushels of oats, but he'll never have her.

He has a lisp in his neigh that would attract

any mare, he'll be the death of her.

DOCTOR

What stuff she utters!

What nonsense she talks!

JAILER

Make curtsy, here your love comes.

Curtsy, here comes you lover.

Wooer comes forward.

WOOER

Pretty soul,

How do ye? That’s a fine maid! There’s a curtsy!

Pretty soul,

how are you?  There's a fine girl!  What a curtsy!

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

Yours to command i’ th’ way of honesty.

How far is’t now to th’ end o’ th’ world, my masters?

I'm yours to command in an honest way.

How far is it to the end of the world, my masters?

DOCTOR

Why, a day’s journey, wench.

Why, a day's journey, girl.

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

Will you go with me?

Will you go with me?

WOOER

What shall we do there, wench?

What shall we do there, girl?

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

Why, play at stoolball:

What is there else to do?

Why, play stoolball:

what else is there to do?

WOOER

I am content,

If we shall keep our wedding there.

I will be happy

if we get married there.

JAILER’S DAUGHTER

’Tis true,

For there, I will assure you, we shall find

Some blind priest for the purpose that will venture

To marry us, for here they are nice and foolish.

Besides, my father must be hang’d tomorrow,

And that would be a blot i’ th’ business.

Are not you Palamon?

It's true,

I can promise you we shall find

some blind priest there who will agree

to marry us, for here they are fussy and foolish.

Besides, my father has to be hanged tomorrow,

and that would cast a shadow over the business.

Aren't you Palamon?

WOOER

Do not you know me?

Don't you recognise me?