The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (595 page)

Go to the feast, revel and domineer,

Go the feast, revel and enjoy,

Carouse full measure to her maidenhead,

Celebrate her new married status,

Be mad and merry, or go hang yourselves:

Be wild and cheery, or go hang yourselves:

But for my bonny Kate, she must with me.

But for my pretty Kate, she must go with me.

Nay, look not big, nor stamp, nor stare, nor fret;

No, don't pout, or stamp, or glare, or fuss;

I will be master of what is mine own.

I will be master of what is mine.

She is my goods, my chattels; she is my house,

She is my property; she is my house,

My household stuff, my field, my barn,

My horse, my ox, my ass, my anything;

And here she stands, touch her whoever dare;

And here she stands, and whoever dares touch her;

I'll bring mine action on the proudest he

I'll take action against the proudest man

That stops my way in Padua. Grumio,

That blocks my way in Padua. Grumio,

Draw forth thy weapon; we are beset with thieves;

Draw your weapon; we are attacked by thieves;

Rescue thy mistress, if thou be a man.

Rescue your lady, if you are a man.

Fear not, sweet wench; they shall not touch thee, Kate;

Do not fear, sweet girl; they will not touch you, Kate;

I'll buckler thee against a million.

I would guard you against a million.

[Exeunt PETRUCHIO, KATHERINA, and GRUMIO.]

BAPTISTA. Nay, let them go, a couple of quiet ones.

No, let them go, a pair of quiet ones.

GREMIO. Went they not quickly, I should die with laughing.

If they did not go quickly, I would die of laughing.

TRANIO. Of all mad matches, never was the like.

Of all insane matches, I never saw one like it.

LUCENTIO. Mistress, what's your opinion of your sister?

Miss, what's your opinion of your sister?

BIANCA. That, being mad herself, she's madly mated.

GREMIO. I warrant him, Petruchio is Kated.

BAPTISTA. Neighbours and friends, though bride and bridegroom wants

Neighbors and friends, though we lack the bride and bridegroom

For to supply the places at the table,

To supply the places at the table,

You know there wants no junkets at the feast.

You know there is no lack of anything else at the feast.

Lucentio, you shall supply the bridegroom's place;

Lucentio, you shall fill the bridegroom's place;

And let Bianca take her sister's room.

And let Bianca take her sister's place.

TRANIO. Shall sweet Bianca practise how to bride it?

Will sweet Bianca practice playing a bride?

BAPTISTA. She shall, Lucentio. Come, gentlemen, let's go.

[Exeunt.]

A hall in PETRUCHIO'S country house

[Enter GRUMIO.]

GRUMIO. Fie, fie on all tired jades, on all mad masters, and all foul ways! Was ever man so beaten? Was ever man so ray'd? Was ever man so weary? I am sent before to make a fire, and they are coming after to warm them. Now, were not I a little pot and soon hot, my very lips might freeze to my teeth, my tongue to the roof of my mouth, my heart in my belly, ere I should come by a fire to thaw me. But I with blowing the fire shall warm myself; for, considering the weather, a taller man than I will take cold. Holla, ho! Curtis!

Enough, enough with all tired servants, and all insane masters, and all terrible ways! Was any other man ever so beaten? Was any other man ever so worn out? Was any other man ever so exhausted? I have been sent before them to make a fire, and they are coming after to warm themselves. Now, if I were not a little man and soon warmed, my actual lips might freeze to my teeth, my tongue to the roof of my mouth, my heart in my belly, before I came to a fire to thaw. But I shall warm myself with blowing the fire; for, considering the weather, a taller man than I will catch a cold. Hello! Curtis!

[Enter CURTIS.]

CURTIS. Who is that calls so coldly?

GRUMIO. A piece of ice: if thou doubt it, thou mayst slide from my shoulder to my heel with no greater a run but my head and my neck. A fire, good Curtis.

A piece of ice; if you doubt it, you may slide from my shoulder to my heel with no greater friction than that made by my head and my neck. A fire, good Curtis.

CURTIS. Is my master and his wife coming, Grumio?

GRUMIO. O, ay! Curtis, ay; and therefore fire, fire; cast on no water.

Oh, yes! Curtis, yes; and therefore fire, fire; do not pour on any water.

CURTIS. Is she so hot a shrew as she's reported?

Is she as unpleasant a woman as they say?

GRUMIO. She was, good Curtis, before this frost; but thou knowest winter tames man, woman, and beast; for it hath tamed my old master, and my new mistress, and myself, fellow Curtis.

She was, good Curtis, before this frost; but you know winter tames man, woman, and beast; for it has tamed my old master, and my new lady, and myself, fellow Curtis.

CURTIS. Away, you three-inch fool! I am no beast

GRUMIO. Am I but three inches? Why, thy horn is a foot; and so long am I at the least. But wilt thou make a fire, or shall I complain on thee to our mistress, whose hand,--she being now at hand,-- thou shalt soon feel, to thy cold comfort, for being slow in thy hot office?

Am I only three inches? Why, your horn is a foot; and I am at least that long. But will you make a fire, or shall I complain about you to our lady, whose hand, -- since she is now at hand, -- you shall soon feel, to your cold comfort, for being slow at your hot job?

CURTIS. I prithee, good Grumio, tell me, how goes the world?

Please tell me, good Grumio, how is the world going?

GRUMIO. A cold world, Curtis, in every office but thine; and therefore fire. Do thy duty, and have thy duty, for my master and mistress are almost frozen to death.

A cold world, Curtis, in every position except yours; and therefore fire. Do your duty, and have your duty, for my master and lady are almost frozen to death.

CURTIS. There's fire ready; and therefore, good Grumio, the news?

GRUMIO. Why, 'Jack boy! ho, boy!' and as much news as thou wilt.'

Why, 'Jack boy! ho, boy!' and as much news as you want.

CURTIS. Come, you are so full of cony-catching.

Come, you are so full of rabbit-catching [teasing].

GRUMIO. Why, therefore, fire; for I have caught extreme cold. Where's the cook? Is supper ready, the house trimmed, rushes strewed, cobwebs swept, the serving-men in their new fustian, their white stockings, and every officer his wedding-garment on? Be the Jacks fair within, the Jills fair without, and carpets laid, and everything in order?

Why, therefore, fire; for I have caught extreme cold. Where's the cook? Is supper ready, the house decorated, floor tidy, cobwebs swept, the serving-men in their new suits, their white stockings, and every officer wearing his wedding-clothes? Are the men neat inside, the women neat outside, and carpets rolled out, and everything in order?

CURTIS. All ready; and therefore, I pray thee, news?

All ready; and therefore, please tell me, news?

GRUMIO. First, know my horse is tired; my master and mistress fallen out.

CURTIS. How?

GRUMIO. Out of their saddles into the dirt; and thereby hangs a tale.

Out of their saddles into the dirt; and there is a story behind that.

CURTIS. Let's ha't, good Grumio.

Let's have it, good Grumio.

GRUMIO. Lend thine ear.

Lend your ear.

CURTIS. Here.

GRUMIO. [Striking him.] There.

[Hitting him.] There.

CURTIS. This 'tis to feel a tale, not to hear a tale.

That's to feel a story, not to hear a story.

GRUMIO. And therefore 'tis called a sensible tale; and this cuff was but to knock at your car and beseech listening. Now I begin: Imprimis, we came down a foul hill, my master riding behind my mistress,--

And therefore it's called a sensible story; and this slap was just to make you stop being irritating. Now I begin: to start with, we came down an awful hill, my master riding behind my lady, --

CURTIS. Both of one horse?

Both on one horse?

GRUMIO. What's that to thee?

What's it to you?

CURTIS. Why, a horse.

GRUMIO. Tell thou the tale: but hadst thou not crossed me, thou shouldst have heard how her horse fell and she under her horse; thou shouldst have heard in how miry a place, how she was bemoiled; how he left her with the horse upon her; how he beat me because her horse stumbled; how she waded through the dirt to pluck him off me: how he swore; how she prayed, that never prayed before; how I cried; how the horses ran away; how her bridle was burst; how I lost my crupper; with many things of worthy memory, which now shall die in oblivion, and thou return unexperienced to thy grave.

You tell the story then: but if you had not irritated me, you would have heard about how her horse fell and she under her horse; you would have heard how muddy it was, how she was soiled; how he left her with the horse on top of her; how he beat me because her horse stumbled; how she waded through the dirt to pull him off me: how he swore; how she prayed, she who never prayed before; how I cried; how the horses ran away; how her bridle tore; how I lost my shoe; with many things worth remembering, which shall now die unknown, and you return inexperienced to your grave.