The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (547 page)

Princes and countries! Surely, a princely testimony, a goodly Count Virtuous; a sweet young man, surely! Oh, if I were a man for his sake, or that I had any friend who would be a man for my sake! But manhood is melted into curses, courage into compliment, and men are only turned into tongue, and thin ones too: he is now as brave as Hercules, that only tells a lie and swears it. I cannot be a man with wishing, so I will die a woman with grieving.

BENEDICK

Tarry, good Beatrice. By this hand, I love thee.

Stay, good Beatrice. By this hand, I love you.

BEATRICE

Use it for my love some other way than swearing by it.

BENEDICK

Think you in your soul the Count Claudio hath wronged Hero?

Are you certain that Count Claudio has wronged Hero?

BEATRICE

Yea, as sure is I have a thought or a soul.

Yes, as sure as I have a thought or a soul.

BENEDICK

Enough! I am engaged, I will challenge him. I will kiss your hand, and so leave you. By this hand, Claudio shall render me a dear account. As you hear of me, so think of me. Go, comfort your cousin: I must say she is dead; and so, farewell.

Enough! I will challenge him to a duel. I will kiss your hand, and leave you. By this hand, Claudio will give me satisfaction. As you hear of me, so think of me. Go, comfort your cousin: I must say she is dead; and so, farewell.

[Exeunt.]

A Prison.

[Enter DOGBERRY, VERGES, and SEXTON, in gowns; and the Watch, with CONRADE and BORACHIO.]

DOGBERRY

Is our whole dissembly appeared?

Has our whole [he means to say ‘assembly’] appeared?

VERGES

O! a stool and a cushion for the sexton.

Oh! Bring a stool and a cushion for the sexton.

SEXTON

Which be the malefactors?

Who are the criminals?

DOGBERRY

Marry, that am I and my partner.

 
[He’s misunderstood.] Indeed, that’s me and my partner.

VERGES

Nay, that's certain: we have the exhibition to examine.

Indeed, that’s certain: we have the exhibition to examine.

SEXTON

But which are the offenders that are to be examined? let them come before Master constable.

DOGBERRY

Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is your name, friend?

Yes, indeed, let them come in front of me. What is your name, friend?

BORACHIO

Borachio.

DOGBERRY

Pray write down Borachio. Yours, sirrah?

Please write down Borachio. Yours, sir?

CONRADE

I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.

I am a nobleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.

DOGBERRY

Write down Master gentleman Conrade. Masters, do you serve God?

BOTH

Yea, sir, we hope.

Yes, sir, we hope.

DOGBERRY

Write down that they hope they serve God: and write God first; for God defend but God should go before such villains! Masters, it is proved already that you are little better than false knaves, and it will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer you for yourselves?

CONRADE

Marry, sir, we say we are none.

By Mary, sir, we say we are not criminals.

DOGBERRY

A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you; but I will go about with him. Come you hither, sirrah; a word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought you are false knaves.

A marvelously witty fellow, I assure you; but I will go around with him. You come here, sir; a word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought you are criminals.

BORACHIO

Sir, I say to you we are none.

DOGBERRY

Well, stand aside. Fore God, they are both in a tale. Have you writ down, that they are none?

Well, stand aside. Before God, their stories match. Have you written down that they are not criminals?

SEXTON

Master constable, you go not the way to examine: you must call forth the watch that are their accusers.

Master constable, that’s not how you examine them: you must call for the the guards that are their accusers.

DOGBERRY

Yea, marry, that's the eftest way. Let the watch come forth. Masters, I charge you, in the prince's name, accuse these men.

Yes, by Mary, that’s the best way. Let the watch come forth. Gentlemen, I command you, in the prince’s name, accuse these men.

FIRST WATCH

This man said, sir, that Don John, the prince's brother, was a villain.

DOGBERRY

Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat perjury, to call a prince's brother villain.

BORACHIO

Master Constable,--

DOGBERRY

Pray thee, fellow, peace: I do not like thy look, I promise thee.

Quiet, fellow: I do not like your look, I promise you.

SEXTON

What heard you him say else?

What else did you hear him say?

SECOND WATCH

Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.

By Mary, that he had received a thousand ducats from Don John for wrongfully accusing the Lady Hero.

DOGBERRY

Flat burglary as ever was committed.

VERGES

Yea, by the mass, that it is.

SEXTON

What else, fellow?

FIRST WATCH

And that Count Claudio did mean, upon his words, to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly, and not marry her.

And that Count Claudio did mean, as he said, to disgrace Hero in front of the whole crowd, and not marry her.

DOGBERRY

O villain! thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this.

Oh villain! You will be condemned into everlasting [he means ‘damnation’] for this.

SEXTON

What else?

SECOND WATCH

This is all.

SEXTON

And this is more, masters, than you can deny. Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away: Hero was in this manner accused, in this manner refused, and, upon the grief of this, suddenly died. Master Constable, let these men be bound, and brought to Leonato's: I will go before and show him their examination.

And this is more, gentlemen, than you can deny. Prince John has secretly run away this morning: Hero was accused in this manner, refused in this manner, and, full of grief from this, suddenly died. Master Constable, let these men be tied, and brought to Leonato’s: I will go ahead and show him their examination.

[Exit.]

DOGBERRY

Come, let them be opinioned.

Come, let them be [he means ‘pinioned’, as in gripped]

VERGES

Let them be in the hands--

CONRADE

Off, coxcomb!

Get off me!

DOGBERRY

God's my life! where's the sexton? let him write down the prince's officer coxcomb. Come, bind them. Thou naughty varlet!

God’s my life! Where’s the sexton? Let him write down the insult. Come, tie them. You naughty scoundrel!

CONRADE

Away! you are an ass; you are an ass.

DOGBERRY

Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! but, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow; and, which is more, an officer; and, which is more, a householder; and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any in Messina; and one that knows the law, go to; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath had losses; and one that hath two gowns, and everything handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass!

Do you not suspect my position? Do you not suspect my years? Oh, if he was here to write me down as an ass! But, gentlemen, remember that I am an ass; though it is not written down, yet do not forget that I am an ass. No, you villain, you are full of religious feeling, as it shall be proved of you by good witness. I am a wise fellow, and an officer, and I own property, and am quite handsome, and I know the law, and rich enough to have two sets of clothes. Bring him away. Oh, that I had been written down as an ass!

[Exeunt.]

Before LEONATO'S House.

[Enter LEONATO and ANTONIO.]

ANTONIO

If you go on thus, you will kill yourself

If you go on like this, you will kill yourself

And 'tis not wisdom thus to second grief

And it is not wise to give yourself a second grief

Against yourself.

LEONATO

I pray thee, cease thy counsel,

Please, stop giving me advice,

Which falls into mine ears as profitless

Which I hear as pointless

As water in a sieve: give not me counsel;

As water in a sieve: do not give me advice;

Nor let no comforter delight mine ear

And do not attempt to comfort me

But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine:

Unless you are someone whose wrongs are similar to mine”

Bring me a father that so lov'd his child,

Bring me a father that loved his child so much,

Whose joy of her is overwhelm'd like mine,

Whose joy in her is overwhelmed like mine,

And bid him speak to me of patience;

And tell him to speak to me of patience;

Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine,