The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (162 page)

Damn ordinary and ordinary men!

I'm talking of Africa and golden fortunes.

FALSTAFF.

O base Assyrian knight, what is thy news?

Let King Cophetua know the truth thereof.

You low Assyrian knight, what's your news?

Let King Cophetua hear it.

SILENCE.

And Robin Hood, Scarlet, and John.  [Singing.]

And Robin Hood, Scarlet and John.

PISTOL.

Shall dunghill curs confront the Helicons?

And shall good news be baffled?

Then, Pistol, lay thy head in Furies' lap.

Shall the dogs of the dungheaps confront the Muses?

Shall good news be treated with contempt?

Then, Pistol, give yourself up to the Furies.

SHALLOW.

Honest gentleman, I know not your breeding.

Honest gentleman, I don't know your background.

PISTOL.

Why then, lament therefore.

Well then, you should be sorry for it.

SHALLOW.

Give me pardon, sir:  if, sir, you come with news from the

court, I take it there 's but two ways, either to utter them, or

conceal them.

I am, sir, under the king, in some authority.

Excuse me, sir: if, sir, you have come with news from me

court, I assume there's only two things you can do, say it, or

hide it.

I do have a position of some authority, sir, under the king.

PISTOL.

Under which king, Besonian? speak, or die.

Under which King, ignoramus? Speak, or die.

SHALLOW.

Under King Harry.

Under King Harry.

PISTOL.

Harry the Fourth? or Fifth?

Harry the Fourth? Or Fifth?

SHALLOW.

Harry the Fourth.

Harry the Fourth.

PISTOL.

A foutre for thine office!

Sir John, thy tender lambkin now is king;

Harry the Fifth's the man. I speak the truth.

When Pistol lies, do this; and fig me, like

The bragging Spaniard.

Your office is now worthless!

Sir John, your little lamb is now King;

Harry the Fifth is the man. I'm telling the truth.

When I lie you can make rude gestures

to me like the bragging Spaniard.

FALSTAFF.

What, is the old king dead?

What, is the old King dead?

PISTOL.

As nail in door:  the things I speak are just.

Dead as a doornail: it's the truth.

FALSTAFF.

Away, Bardolph! saddle my horse. Master Robert Shallow,

choose what office thou wilt in the land, 'tis thine. Pistol, I

will double-charge thee with dignities.

Off you go, Bardolph! Saddle my horse. Master Robert Shallow,

choose any job in the country you want, it's yours. Pistol, I

will heap you with honours.

BARDOLPH.

O joyful day!

I would not take a knighthood for my fortune.

What a happy day!

I wouldn't exchange this bit of luck for a knighthood.

PISTOL.

What!  I do bring good news?

What! Is this good news?

FALSTAFF.

Carry Master Silence to bed. Master Shallow, my Lord Shallow,--

be what thou wilt; I am fortune's steward--get on thy boots:

we'll ride all night. O sweet Pistol! Away, Bardolph!

[Exit Bardolph.]

Come, Pistol, utter more to me; and withal devise something to do

thyself good. Boot, boot, Master Shallow:  I know the young king is

sick for me. Let us take any man's horses; the laws of England are at

my commandment. Blessed are they that have been my friends; and woe

to my lord chief-justice!

Carry Master Silence off to bed. Master Shallow, my Lord Shallow–

be what you want to be; I serve out fortunes–get your boots on:

we'll ride all night. Oh sweet Pistol! Get going, Bardolph!

Come, Pistol, tell me more; and also think of

what you want. Get your boots on, Master Shallow: I know the young King

will be missing me. Let's take anyone's horses, the laws of England are at

 my command. Those who've been my friends are lucky; and the

Lord Chief Justice had better look out!

PISTOL.

Let vultures vile seize on his lungs also!

"Where is the life that late I led?" say they:

Why, here it is; welcome these pleasant days!

May horrible vultures eat out his lungs!

“Where is the life I once led?” they say:

well, here it is; welcome to these happy days!

[Exeunt.]

[Enter Beadles, dragging in Hostess Quickly and Doll Tearsheet.]

HOSTESS.

No, thou arrant knave; I would to God that I might die,

that I might have thee hanged:  thou hast drawn my shoulder out

of joint.

No, you terrible scoundrel; I wish to God I could die,

if I could see you hanged: you've dislocated my shoulder.

FIRST BEADLE.

The constables have delivered her over to me; and she shall have

whipping-cheer enough, I warrant her:  there hath been a man

or two lately killed about her.

The constables have handed her over to me; and she will get

a good enough whipping, I promise: there have been one

or two men recently killed in her company.

DOLL.

Nut-hook, nut-hook, you lie. Come on; I'll tell thee what, thou

damned tripe-visaged rascal, an the child I now go with do

miscarry, thou wert better thou hadst struck thy mother, thou

paper-faced villain.

You lie, Beadle, come on; I'll tell you what, you

flabby rascal, if the child I'm now carrying miscarries,

you would have done better to hit your mother, you

yellow faced villain.

HOSTESS.

O the Lord, that Sir John were come! he would make this a

bloody day to somebody. But I pray God the fruit of her womb

miscarry!

O Lord, I wish Sir John would come! He would make this a

bloody day for somebody. But I pray to God she doesn't miscarry!

FIRST BEADLE.

If it do, you shall have a dozen of cushions again; you

have but eleven now. Come, I charge you both go with me; for the

man is dead that you and Pistol beat amongst you.

If it does, you can fake it with a dozen cushions like last time:

you're only using eleven at the moment. Come, I order you to come with me;

for the man that you and Pistol beat together is dead.

DOLL.

I'll tell you what, you thin man in a censer, I will have you as

soundly swinged for this,--you blue-bottle rogue, you filthy famished

correctioner, if you be not swinged, I'll forswear half-kirtles.

I'll tell you what, you worthless man, I will have you

hung high for this–you scabby rogue, you filthy starving

punisher, if you are not hanged, I'll give up wearing skirts.

FIRST BEADLE.

Come, come, you she knight-errant, come.

Come, come, you misbehaving woman, come.

HOSTESS.

O God, that right should thus overcome might!  Well, of

sufferance comes ease.

O God, force overcomes justice! Well,

peace comes through suffering.

DOLL.

Come, you rogue, come; bring me to a justice.

Come on, you scoundrel; take me to a judge.

HOSTESS.

Ay, come, you starved blood-hound.

Yes, come on, you starving bloodhound.

DOLL.

Goodman death, goodman bones!

You death, you bones!

HOSTESS.

Thou atomy, thou!

You skeleton!

DOLL.

Come, you thin thing; come, you rascal!

Come on, you skinny rascal!

FIRST BEADLE.

Very well.

Very well.

[Exeunt.]

 

[Enter two Grooms, strewing rushes.]

FIRST GROOM.

More rushes, more rushes.

More rushes, more rushes.

SECOND GROOM.

The trumpets have sounded twice.

They have blown the trumpets twice.

FIRST GROOM.

'Twill be two o'clock ere they come from the

coronation:  dispatch, dispatch.

It will be two o'clock before they come from the

coronation: hurry, hurry.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter Falstaff, Shallow, Pistol, Bardolph, and Page.]

FALSTAFF.

Stand here by me, Master Robert Shallow; I will make the

king do you grace:  I will leer upon him as a' comes by; and do

but mark the countenance that he will give me.

Stand here next to me, Master Robert Shallow; I will make the

King pay you respect: I'll give him an inviting look as he comes past; and

you just see the look that he gives me.