The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (113 page)

me where hast thou been this month?

A good dignified man, I swear, a full bodied one; with a cheerful look,

an attractive eye, and a very noble bearing; his age, I think, about

fifty, or, maybe, getting on for sixty; and now I

remember, his name is Falstaff:if that man has vulgar inclinations

he’s fooled me; for, Harry, I can see virtue in his looks.

If, then, the tree can be judged by its fruit, as the fruit by the tree,

then I say confidently that there is virtue in that Falstaff: keep him,

send the rest away.And now, tell me, you naughty scoundrel, tell

me where you have been the last month?

PRINCE.

Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and I'll play

my father.

Are you talking like a king?You play me, and I’ll

play your father.

FAL.

Depose me! if thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both

in word and matter, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a

poulter's hare.

Overthrow me! If you do it with half as much dignity and majesty,

hang me up as a skinny rabbit or a hare in a poulterer’s.

PRINCE.

Well, here I am set.

Well, here I sit.

FAL.

And here I stand.--Judge, my masters.

And here I stand – Judge it, my masters.

PRINCE.

Now, Harry, whence come you?

Now, Harry, where have you come from?

FAL.

My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

PRINCE.

The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

I’ve heard many bad things said about you.

FAL.

'Sblood, my lord, they are false.--Nay, I'll tickle ye for a

young prince, i'faith.

By God, my lord, it’s not true – I’ll make you laugh at

my impression of a young prince, I swear.

PRINCE.

Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth ne'er look on me. Thou art

violently carried away from grace:there is a devil haunts thee, in

the likeness of an old fat man,--a tun of man is thy companion. Why

dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of

beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of

sack, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that

reverend Vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity

in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? wherein

neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but

in craft? wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villainous, but in

all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?

You swear, graceless boy? From now on don't come near me. You are

violently removed from grace: there is a devil who haunts you, in

the shape of a fat old man–a barrel of a man who is your companion. Why

do you associate with that trunk of diseases, that bin full of beastliness,

that great parcel of swellings, that huge wine bag of

sack, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that

old Vice, that grey Iniquity, that fatherly ruffian, that aged vanity?

What's he good for, except for tasting and drinking sack? What

can he do neatly and cleanly, except for carving a chicken and eating it?

How is he skilful, except for cheating? What's he do with that, except being a villain? What's he villainous at, except everything? What is he good at,

apart from nothing?

FAL.

I would your Grace would take me with you:whom means your Grace?

I wish I understood what your Grace's saying: whom does your Grace mean?

PRINCE.

That villainous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old

white-bearded Satan.

That villainous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old

white bearded devil.

FAL.

My lord, the man I know.

My Lord, I know the man.

PRINCE.

I know thou dost.

I know you do.

FAL.

But to say I know more harm in him than in myself, were to say more

than I know. That he is old,--(the more the pity,--his white hairs do

witness it. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked! if to

be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damn'd:

if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean kine are to be loved.

No, my good lord:banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Pointz; but,

for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff,

valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant, being, as he is, old

Jack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry's company, banish not him thy

Harry's company:banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.

But I can't say that there is any more harm in him than there is in

myself. That he is old–more's the pity–is shown by his white hairs.

If liking sack and sugar is a fault, God help wicked people! If to

be old and merry is a sin, then many old landlords I know are going to hell:

if one should be hated for being fat, then Pharaoh's thin cattle should be loved.

No, my good lord: banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Pointz; but,

as for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff,

brave Jack Falstaff, who is even more brave because he is old

Jack Falstaff, don't forbid your Harry to have him for company, don't forbid him:

if you banish plump Jack, you banish the whole world.

PRINCE.

I do, I will.

I do, and I will.

[A knocking heard.]

[Exeunt Hostess, Francis, and Bardolph.]

[Enter Bardolph, running.]

BARD.

O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff with a most monstrous watch is

at the door.

Oh my lord, my lord! The Sheriff is at the door with a

great force of men.

FAL.

Out, ye rogue!--Play out the play:I have much to say in the

behalf of that Falstaff.

Get out, you scoundrel! Let's carry on with the play: I have a lot to say in the

defence of that Falstaff.

[Re-enter the Hostess, hastily.]

HOST.

O Jesu, my lord, my lord,--

O Jesus, my lord, my lord,–

Prince.

Heigh, heigh! the Devil rides upon a fiddlestick:what's the matter?

Hello! the devil is leading the dance: what's the matter?

Host.

The sheriff and all the watch are at the door:they are come to

search the house. Shall I let them in?

The sheriff and all the watch are at the door: they have come to

search the house. Shall I let them in?

FAL.

Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit:

thou art essentially made without seeming so.

Did you hear that, Hal? Don't tell them a good man like me is bad:

you have all the good qualities, but you don't show them.

Prince.

And thou a natural coward, without instinct.

And you are natural coward, with no instinct.

FAL.

I deny your major:if you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him

enter:if I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my

bringing up! I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as

another.

I reject your thesis: if you will reject the Sheriff, good; if not, let him

come in: if I don't look as good on a tumbril as the next man,

a plague on my upbringing! I think I'll make just as good a victim

for the hangman as another.

PRINCE.

Go, hide thee behind the arras:--the rest walk, up above.Now,

my masters, for a true face and good conscience.

Go, hide yourself behind the curtain: the rest of you go upstairs. Now,

my masters, I need an honest face and a good conscience.

FAL.

Both which I have had; but their date is out, and therefore I'll

hide me.

I've had both in the past; but they are past their sell by date, and so I'll

hide.

PRINCE.

Call in the sheriff.--

[Exeunt all but the Prince and Pointz.]

[Enter Sheriff and Carrier.]

Now, master sheriff, what's your will with me?

Call in the Sheriff.

Now, Master Sheriff, what do you want with me?

SHER.

First, pardon me, my lord. A hue-and-cry

Hath followed certain men unto this house.

Firstly, forgive me, my lord. A hue and cry

has followed certain men to this house.

PRINCE.

What men?

What men?

SHER.

One of them is well known, my gracious lord,--

A gross fat man.

One of them is well known, my gracious lord–

a grotesquely fat man.

CAR.

As fat as butter.

As fat as butter.

PRINCE.

The man, I do assure you, is not here;

For I myself at this time have employ'd him.

And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee,

That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time,

Send him to answer thee, or any man,

For any thing he shall be charged withal:

And so, let me entreat you leave the house.

I can promise you that that man is not here;

for at the moment he is in my employment.

And, Sheriff, I give you my word

that I will, by dinner time tomorrow,

send him to face you or any man

on any charges raised against him:

and so, I ask you to leave the house.

SHER.

I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen

Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.

I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen

who have lost three hundred marks in this robbery

PRINCE.

It may be so:if he have robb'd these men,

He shall be answerable; and so, farewell.

That may be the case: if he has robbed these men,

he shall answer for it; and so, farewell.

SHER.

Good night, my noble lord.

Good night, my noble lord.

PRINCE.

I think it is good morrow, is it not?

I think it's good morning, isn't it?

SHER.

Indeed, my lord, I think't be two o'clock.

Indeed, my lord, I think it is two o'clock.

[Exit Sheriff and Carrier.]