The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (1014 page)

Nurse

Lord, my head hurts.  It feels like it is about to burst into twenty pieces.  My back is killing me, too!  How could you send me on a trip like this knowing what it would do to me?

Lord, how my head aches! what a head have I! It beats as it would fall in twenty pieces. My back o' t' other side,--O, my back, my back!-- Beshrew your heart for sending me about To catch my death with jauncing up and down!

Juliet

I am sorry that you are not feeling well.  Sweet, sweet, sweet Nurse, tell me what he said.

I' faith, I am sorry that thou art not well. Sweet, sweet, sweet nurse, tell me, what says my love?

Nurse

He says, like an honest, polite, kind, and handsome man, and I bet a virtuous one, too…Where is your mother?

Your love says, like an honest gentleman, And a courteous, and a kind, and a handsome; And, I warrant, a virtuous,--Where is your mother?

Juliet

Where is my mother?  She is inside.  Where else would she be?  Quit being so vague.

Where is my mother?--why, she is within; Where should she be? How oddly thou repliest! 'Your love says, like an honest gentleman,-- 'Where is your mother?'

Nurse

Why are you so angry?  Is this how you treat your helper?  From now on, you can do your own dirty work.

O God's lady dear! Are you so hot? marry,come up, I trow; Is this the poultice for my aching bones? Henceforward,do your messages yourself.

Juliet
 

Quit being so fussy.  What did Romeo say?

Here's such a coil!--come, what says Romeo?

Nurse

Have you figured out how to get to the church today?

Have you got leave to go to shrift to-day?

Juliet

Yes.

I have.

Nurse

Then, go to Friar Lawrence for the ceremony.  Romeo will meet you there.  Here comes the blood to your cheeks.  While you go to church, I have to get a ladder from your love so he can come to you after dark.  I must do all the work while you get all of the rewards, especially tonight.  Go on now.  I am going to eat.

Then hie you hence to Friar Lawrence' cell; There stays a husband to make you a wife: Now comes the wanton blood up in your cheeks, They'll be in scarlet straight at any news. Hie you to church; I must another way, To fetch a ladder, by the which your love Must climb a bird's nest soon when it is dark: I am the drudge, and toil in your delight; But you shall bear the burden soon at night. Go; I'll to dinner; hie you to the cell.

Juliet

Thank you, dear Nurse.  Wish me luck!

Hie to high fortune!--honest nurse, farewell.

(Exit all.)

Scene VI:  Friar Lawrence’s Cell.

(Enter Friar Lawrence and Romeo.)

Friar Lawrence

The heavens smile down upon the act of marriage.  I hope we are not sorry afterwards.

So smile the heavens upon this holy act That after-hours with sorrow chide us not!

Romeo

Amen.  No matter what happens, nothing can change the joy I feel when I see my love.  Just marry us, and let death do us part.  It’s enough that I can call her mine.

Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can, It cannot countervail the exchange of joy That one short minute gives me in her sight: Do thou but close our hands with holy words, Then love-devouring death do what he dare,-- It is enough I may but call her mine.

Friar Lawrence

Sometimes acts that give us great pleasure bring us great sadness.  They quickly ignite and as quickly extinguish.  Like honey, too much of a sweet thing can make one sick.  Therefore, don’t love each other too much.  This is the key to a relationship that lasts.  Being too passionate can be as bad as loving too slowly.  Here comes your lady, now.  She is so light on her feet, like she is floating on air.  Ah, love.  

These violent delights have violent ends, And in their triumph die; like fire and powder, Which, as they kiss, consume: the sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness, And in the taste confounds the appetite: Therefore love moderately: long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow. Here comes the lady:--O, so light a foot Will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint: A lover may bestride the gossamer That idles in the wanton summer air And yet not fall; so light is vanity.

(Enter Juliet.)

Juliet

Good evening, my father.

Good-even to my ghostly confessor.

Friar Lawrence

Romeo will thank you for both of us.

Romeo shall thank thee, daughter, for us both.

Juliet

Then, I will thank him.

As much to him, else is his thanks too much.

Romeo

Ah Juliet, are you as happy as I am?  If you are, tell me how you feel about our future.

Ah, Juliet, if the measure of thy joy Be heap'd like mine, and that thy skill be more To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath This neighbour air, and let rich music's tongue Unfold the imagin'd happiness that both Receive in either by this dear encounter.

Juliet

I can’t quite put it into words.  I can only say that I am filled with a wealth of blessings and happiness.

Conceit, more rich in matter than in words, Brags of his substance, not of ornament: They are but beggars that can count their worth; But my true love is grown to such excess, I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth.

Friar Lawrence

Come on.  Let’s go.  This will not take long, and since we are in church, I am not leaving you two alone until you are married.

Come, come with me, and we will make short work; For, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone Till holy church incorporate two in one.

(Exit all.)

Scene I:  A public place.

(Enter Mercutio, Benvolio, Page, and Servants.)

Benvolio

I beg you, Mercutio, let’s go home.  It is too hot.  The Capulets are out, too, and I don’t feel like fighting.  You know how hot days make people irritable.

I pray thee, good Mercutio, let's retire: The day is hot, the Capulets abroad, And, if we meet, we shall not scape a brawl; For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring.

Mercutio

You are like one of those guys who go into a bar with a weapon, but say he doesn’t want to use it.  After a couple of drinks, you pull it out on someone for no reason.

Thou art like one of these fellows that, when he enters the confines of a tavern, claps me his sword upon the table, and says 'God send me no need of thee!' and by the operation of the second cup draws him on the drawer, when indeed there is no need.

Benvolio

You think I am like that?

Am I like such a fellow?

Mercutio

You know you are as hot-headed as any other man in Italy.  It doesn’t take much to get you in a bad mood, and when you are in a bad mood, it doesn’t take much to make you angry.

Come, come, thou art as hot a Jack in thy mood as any in Italy; and as soon moved to be moody, and as soon moody to be moved.

Benvolio

Angry, about what?

And what to?

Mercutio

If there were two Benvolios in the world, they would fight each other to the death.  You would fight with a man over how many hairs are in his beard.  You would fight a man for cracking nuts, the same color as your eyes.  Who else would fight over such stupid things? Your head is as full of reasons to fight as an egg is full of yolks.  Your mind is like scrambled eggs, you have been in so many fights.  You have fought because a man, coughing in the street, woke up your dog.  Didn’t you even fight with a tailor for wearing a summer suit before Easter?  And another, for tying new shoes with old laces?  Now, you stand there and scold me about fighting!

Nay, an there were two such, we should have none shortly, for one would kill the other. Thou! why, thou wilt quarrel with a man that hath a hair more or a hair less in his beard than thou hast. Thou wilt quarrel with a man for cracking nuts, having no other reason but because thou hast hazel eyes;--what eye but such an eye would spy out such a quarrel? Thy head is as full of quarrels as an egg is full of meat; and yet thy head hath been beaten as addle as an egg for quarrelling. Thou hast quarrelled with a man for coughing in the street, because he hath wakened thy dog that hath lain asleep in the sun. Didst thou not fall out with a tailor for wearing his new doublet before Easter? with another for tying his new shoes with an old riband? and yet thou wilt tutor me from quarrelling!

Benvolio

If I fought as much as you, I couldn’t afford simple life insurance.

An I were so apt to quarrel as thou art, any man should buy the fee simple of my life for an hour and a quarter.

Mercutio
 

Simple life insurance?  You’re simple-minded.

The fee simple! O simple!

Benvolio

What now?  Here comes the Capulets.

By my head, here come the Capulets.

Mercutio

Let them.  I don’t care.

By my heel, I care not.

(Enter Tybalt and others.)

Tybalt

Stay close, guys.  I will speak to them.  Gentlemen, good afternoon.  May I have a word with one of you?

Follow me close, for I will speak to them.--Gentlemen, good-den: a word with one of you.

Mercutio

Just one word with one of us?  I think you would like to have a word and something else.  Blow off.

And but one word with one of us? Couple it with something; make it a word and a blow.

Tybalt

I could do that, if you give me a reason.

You shall find me apt enough to that, sir, an you will give me occasion.

Mercutio

You can’t find a reason on your own?

Could you not take some occasion without giving?

Tybalt

You are a friend of Romeo’s, right?

Mercutio, thou consortest with Romeo,--

Mercutio

A friend!  Do you think we are a band?  If so, here is my drumstick (referring to his sword) and I can make you dance with it.  Friends!

Consort! what, dost thou make us minstrels? An thou make minstrels of us, look to hear nothing but discords: here's my fiddlestick; here's that shall make you dance. Zounds, consort!

Benvolio

Not here in public.  There are too many eyes.  Either we go somewhere private to hash this out, or just leave it alone.

We talk here in the public haunt of men: Either withdraw unto some private place, And reason coldly of your grievances, Or else depart; here all eyes gaze on us.

Mercutio

I don’t care if we’re in public.  Let people look.  I am not going anywhere to please anyone.

Men's eyes were made to look, and let them gaze; I will not budge for no man's pleasure, I.

Tybalt

I have no fight with you.  Here comes my man.

Well, peace be with you, sir.--Here comes my man.

(Enter Romeo.)

Mercutio

I’ll be damned if he’s your man.  Unless you run and he chases you, you can’t call him your man.

But I'll be hanged, sir, if he wear your livery: Marry, go before to field, he'll be your follower; Your worship in that sense may call him man.

Tybalt

Romeo, I have a word for you.  You are a villain.  

Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford No better term than this,--Thou art a villain.

Romeo

Tybalt, you have no reason to greet me that way.  I love you and have no feelings of rage against you.  I am no villain, so leave me alone.  Things have changed.  You don’t know me very well.