The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (1013 page)

By my troth, it is well said;--for himself to mar, quoth 'a?--Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I may find the young Romeo?

Romeo

I can tell you, but young Romeo will be older when you find him than he was when you started looking him.  I am the youngest person who goes by that name.

I can tell you: but young Romeo will be older when you have found him than he was when you sought him: I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.

Nurse

Don’t you speak well?

You say well.

Mercutio

And he is wise.

Yea, is the worst well? very well took, i' faith; wisely, wisely.

Nurse

If you are the Romeo I’m looking for, I need to speak with you in private.

If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.

Benvolio

She will probably “indite” him to supper.

She will indite him to some supper.

Mercutio

Perhaps Romeo is her pimp.  I have found him out.

A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!

Romeo

What have you found out?

What hast thou found?

Mercutio

She can’t be a prostitute.  She’s too ugly.

No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, that is something stale and hoar ere it be spent.

(Sings.)

Hairy Rabbit, hairy rabbit,

Is good meat to eat during Lent.

But if it gets too old,

Your money is already spent.

An old hare hoar,

And an old hare hoar,

Is very good meat in Lent;

But a hare that is hoar

Is too much for a score

When it hoars ere it be spent.

Hey Romeo, are you going to your father’s house for lunch?

Romeo, will you come to your father's? we'll to dinner thither.

Romeo

Yes, you go ahead.  I’ll be right behind you.

I will follow you.

Mercutio

Farewell, old lady.  Farewell.

Farewell, ancient lady; farewell,--

(Singing.)

Lady, lady, lady.

lady, lady, lady

(Exit Mercutio and Benvolio.)

Nurse

Good Lord!  Who was that crazy fellow, so full of himself?

Marry, farewell!--I pray you, sir, what saucy merchant was this that was so full of his ropery?

Romeo

He is a gentleman, Nurse.  He just loves to hear himself talk and boy, can he talk!

A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk; and will speak more in a minute than he will stand to in a month.

Nurse

If he says anything against me, I’ll kick his butt.  And, if I can’t do it, I’ll find someone who can.  I am not one of his buddies or slutty girlfriends.  And you, Peter, you just stood by and let him talk to me that way.

An 'a speak anything against me, I'll take him down, an'a were lustier than he is, and twenty such Jacks; and if I cannot, I'll find those that shall. Scurvy knave! I am none of his flirt-gills; I am none of his skains-mates.--And thou must stand by too, and suffer every knave to use me at his pleasure!

Peter

I didn’t see any harm in him.  If I had, I would surely have come to your defense.  I promise you, I am as quick as any man to defend a lady.

I saw no man use you at his pleasure; if I had, my weapon should quickly have been out, I warrant you: I dare draw as soon as another man, if I see occasion in a good quarrel, and the law on my side.

Nurse

I swear!  I am so angry that I am shaking all over.  Romeo, I still need to have a word with you.  My young lady asked me to find you and what she said I will keep to myself if you tend to hurt her in any way.  Remember she is young and naïve when it comes to love.

Now, afore God, I am so vexed that every part about me quivers. Scurvy knave!--Pray you, sir, a word: and, as I told you, my young lady bid me enquire you out; what she bade me say I will keep to myself: but first let me tell ye, if ye should lead her into a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross kind of behaviour, as they say: for the gentlewoman is young; and, therefore, if you should deal double with her, truly it were an ill thing to be offered to any gentlewoman, and very weak dealing.

Romeo

Nurse, I promise you I…

Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress. I protest unto thee,--

 Nurse

I think you have a good heart, sir, and I will tell her.  Lord, she will be a happy girl.

Good heart, and i' faith I will tell her as much: Lord, Lord, she will be a joyful woman.

Romeo

What are you going to tell her?  You won’t let me finish what I have to say.

What wilt thou tell her, nurse? thou dost not mark me.

Nurse

I’ll tell her that you propose marriage to her, the gentlemanly thing to do.

I will tell her, sir,--that you do protest: which, as I take it, is a gentlemanlike offer.

Romeo

Tell her to find some way to come to the abbey this afternoon.  By Friar Lawrence, we will confess our sins and be married.  (Giving her money.)  Please take this for your trouble.

Bid her devise some means to come to shrift This afternoon; And there she shall at Friar Lawrence' cell Be shriv'd and married. Here is for thy pains.

Nurse

I can’t take your money.

No, truly, sir; not a penny.

Romeo

But, I insist.

Go to; I say you shall.

Nurse

(Taking the money.) You said this afternoon, right?  She will be there.

This afternoon, sir? well, she shall be there.

Romeo

Wait, good Nurse.  I’ll send someone within an hour to meet you behind the abbey wall.  He will bring a rope so I may meet Juliet secretly.  Goodbye now and I will pay you for your help.  Don’t forget to talk me up to Juliet.

And stay, good nurse, behind the abbey-wall: Within this hour my man shall be with thee, And bring thee cords made like a tackled stair; Which to the high top-gallant of my joy Must be my convoy in the secret night. Farewell; be trusty, and I'll quit thy pains: Farewell; commend me to thy mistress.

Nurse

God bless you.  And, one more thing…

Now God in heaven bless thee!--Hark you, sir.

Romeo

What did you say?

What say'st thou, my dear nurse?

Nurse

Are you sure you can trust the man you are sending?  You know what they say about keeping secrets.

Is your man secret? Did you ne'er hear say, Two may keep counsel, putting one away?

Romeo

I promise you.  I trust him.

I warrant thee, my man's as true as steel.

Nurse

My mistress is the sweetest lady.  When she was just little thing--There is a man in town who also wants her by the name of Paris.  I told her he would make a better husband than you, but she would rather marry a toad as to marry him.  Doesn’t rosemary and Romeo start with the same letter?

Well, sir; my mistress is the sweetest lady.--Lord, Lord! when 'twas a little prating thing,--O, there's a nobleman in town, one Paris, that would fain lay knife aboard; but she, good soul, had as lief see a toad, a very toad, as see him. I anger her sometimes, and tell her that Paris is the properer man; but I'll warrant you, when I say so, she looks as pale as any clout in the versal world. Doth not rosemary and Romeo begin both with a letter?

Romeo

Yes ma’am.  They both begin with ‘r’.

Ay, nurse; what of that? both with an R.

Nurse

You are so silly.  ‘R’ is for the name of a dog.  They must begin with a different letter.  You should hear Juliet talk about you and rosemary.

Ah, mocker! that's the dog's name. R is for the dog: no; I know it begins with some other letter:--and she hath the prettiest sententious of it, of you and rosemary, that it would do you good to hear it.

Romeo

Okay, please send my message to your lady.

Commend me to thy lady.

Nurse

Certainly, a thousand times, I will.  (Exit Romeo.)  Peter!

Ay, a thousand times. [Exit Romeo.]--Peter!

Peter

Yes?

Anon?

Nurse

Peter, take my fan, and go ahead.

Peter, take my fan, and go before.

(Exit all.)

Scene V:  Capulet’s garden.

(Enter Juliet.)

Juliet

I sent the nurse at nine o’clock.  She promised to return in thirty minutes.  Perhaps, she cannot find him.  She is so inept!  Love’s messengers should be as fast as thoughts, like sunbeams, moving shadows or the wings of a dove.  Now it’s noon.  Three hours have passed.  Still, she is not here.  Maybe if she were younger, she would be faster, inspired by my words of love and my love’s to me.  But old folks act as if they were dead, slow and heavy as lead.  Oh God, here she comes!

The clock struck nine when I did send the nurse; In half an hour she promis'd to return. Perchance she cannot meet him: that's not so.-- O, she is lame! love's heralds should be thoughts, Which ten times faster glide than the sun's beams, Driving back shadows over lowering hills: Therefore do nimble-pinion'd doves draw love, And therefore hath the wind-swift Cupid wings. Now is the sun upon the highmost hill Of this day's journey; and from nine till twelve Is three long hours,--yet she is not come. Had she affections and warm youthful blood, She'd be as swift in motion as a ball; My words would bandy her to my sweet love, And his to me: But old folks, many feign as they were dead; Unwieldy, slow, heavy and pale as lead.-- O God, she comes!

(Enter Nurse and Peter.)

Oh sweet Nurse, what did you find out?  Did you find Romeo?  Send your man away.

O honey nurse, what news? Hast thou met with him? Send thy man away.

Nurse

Stay at the gate.

Peter, stay at the gate.

(Exit Peter.)

Juliet

Why do you look so sad?  If it’s bad news, break it to me gently.  If it’s good news, then why do you come in here with such a sour face?

Now, good sweet nurse,--O Lord, why look'st thou sad? Though news be sad, yet tell them merrily; If good, thou sham'st the music of sweet news By playing it to me with so sour a face.

Nurse

I am weary.  Just give me a minute.  My bones ache and I have had quite a journey!

I am aweary, give me leave awhile;-- Fie, how my bones ache! what a jaunt have I had!

Juliet

I would give you my bones for some news.  Please, I beg you, speak.  Good, good Nurse, tell me.

I would thou hadst my bones, and I thy news: Nay, come, I pray thee speak;--good, good nurse, speak.

Nurse

You’re in a hurry.  Can’t you wait a minute?  Don’t you see I am out of breath?

Jesu, what haste? can you not stay awhile? Do you not see that I am out of breath?

Juliet

You can’t be out of breath, if you can say you’re out of breath.  You could have told me by now.  Is it good or bad news?  Can you answer that?  Just tell me one way or the other, and then I’ll be patient.  Give me something, good or bad.

How art thou out of breath, when thou hast breath To say to me that thou art out of breath? The excuse that thou dost make in this delay Is longer than the tale thou dost excuse. Is thy news good or bad? answer to that; Say either, and I'll stay the circumstance: Let me be satisfied, is't good or bad?

Nurse

I think you have made a bad choice with Romeo.  You don’t know how to pick a man.  Yes, his face is handsome and his legs are great, but the rest of his body isn’t much.  He is not courteous, but I think he is gentle.  But it is your choice.  Remember to serve God.  Have you had lunch yet?  

Well, you have made a simple choice; you know not how to choose a man: Romeo! no, not he; rhough his face be better than any man's, yet his leg excels all men's; and for a hand and a foot, and a body,--though they be not to be talked on, yet they are past compare: he is not the flower of courtesy,--but I'll warrant him as gentle as a lamb.--Go thy ways, wench; serve God.- -What, have you dined at home?

Juliet

No, I haven’t eaten and I already knew all of this.  What did he say about our marriage?  

No, no: but all this did I know before. What says he of our marriage? what of that?