The Click Trilogy (32 page)

I, being the polite and helpful salesperson that I am, would then say, “Would you like to see them?” to which they would reply, “Well, since you offered.”  And then they would buy something!  It was hilarithetic!

This one woman came in and placed an order for 50 lollipops that looked like pacifiers but actually had a penis on them.  She wanted them in light pink chocolate for a bridal shower.  Classy.  And I had to make them.  It was the most entertaining summer of my life.

From: PBCupLover – August 13, 2012 – 11:15 AM

To: Renee Greene

Cc: Mark Finlay, Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

Sounds ri“dick”ulous.  I hope this doesn’t “rub you” the wrong way and you don’t get “pissed,” but I think you make this shit up, Babe.  And I love you for it.

From: Renee Greene – August 13, 2012 – 12:02 PM

To: PBCupLover

Cc: Mark Finlay, Ashley Gordon, Shelley Manning, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

HA!  I love it.  RiDICKulous indeed.  But seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.  I’m honestly not that clever.  It’s just the sad commentary that is
my
life.

From: Shelley Manning – August 13, 2012 – 12:51 PM

To: Renee Greene

Cc: Mark Finlay, PBCupLover, Ashley Gordon, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

You’ve always been a hard working stiff, Sweetie.

From: Mark Finlay – August 13, 2012 – 1:23 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Cc: PBCupLover, Renee Greene, Ashley Gordon, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

Was the customer’s name Mrs. Johnson?

From: Renee Greene – August 13, 2012 – 1:50 PM

To: Mark Finlay

Cc: PBCupLover, Shelley Manning, Ashley Gordon, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

I think there is more of this to come, no?

From: Ashley Gordon – August 13, 2012 – 3:00 PM

To: Renee Greene

Cc: Mark Finlay, PBCupLover, Shelley Manning, cassidy

Subject: Re: Penis Month

It must be so hard for you.  OMG!  I can’t believe I just said that.  Pregnancy hormones just bring out a new side of me.

From: cassidy – August 13, 2012 – 4:52 PM

To: Ashley Gordon

Cc: Mark Finlay, PBCupLover, Renee Greene, Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Penis Month

well what do you expect ashley when your too best friends are a couple of nuts?

h’s & k’s,

cassidy

From: Renee Greene – August 13, 2012 – 5:28 PM

To: cassidy

Cc: Mark Finlay, PBCupLover, Shelley Manning, Ashley Gordon

Subject: Re: Penis Month

Enough!  Enough!  I’m completely beaten.

From: Renee Greene – August 17, 2012 – 2:43 PM

To: Shelley Manning, PBCupLover, Mark Finlay, Ashley Gordon, cassidy

Subject: And the verdict is…

Before we get there, just a little context on the trial of the century.  (Okay, it’s only been eight days.  But seriously people.  Eight days! 
Feels
like a century.)

The crux of the plaintiff’s case is that a more expensive (and presumably thorough) herpes test would have told Mr. Clapperton that he had herpes, but the cold sore form and not the genital kind.  Both the plaintiff and the defendant put on witnesses (yes, plural!) that their chosen test was the standard of care by which doctors should treat patients and malpractice suits should be judged.

Mr. Clapperton’s attorney gave his closing argument and tried to persuade us that $100 dollars – the cost difference in the tests – would have saved poor Mr. Clapperton the heartache and embarrassment of thinking he was suffering from both genital herpes and warts.  To make his point, this bespectacled doppelganger for Rick Moranis slapped down a $100 bill on the railing of the jury box – right in front of me.

All I could think was, “spare me the histrionics, you goober!”  I’ve seen enough
Law & Order
reruns to know that’s crap.

So we voted in favor of the doctor, who honestly was quite a jerk.  Seems like Mr. Clapperton was not an easy patient to deal with.  Once he told him his test came in and it said he tested positive, the doctor delivered the news and then told him he needed to find a new doctor.  He never communicated to him that false positives – because of cold sores – were common.  (Yikes!  I know way more about herpes than I
ever
dreamed I would!)

If I were the attorney, (and again, knowing how many
Law & Order
reruns I’ve watched, I’m pretty sure I could have tried and won this case), I would have argued that the standard of care was telling your patient to get a second opinion because his cold sores could be making a false positive.

After the trial was over, we were invited to meet with the attorneys to answer any questions we had about the case and to field any questions they had about our deliberations.  I was tempted to bring it up, but feared it would spark another Clapperton lawsuit – this one against his attorney – that would subject one of
you
to this insane form of public service/torture.

And that, my friends, should end Penis Month.  I hope!

From: Shelley Manning – August 17, 2012 – 3:41 PM

To: Renee Greene; PBCupLover; Mark Finlay; Ashley Price Gordon; cassidy

Subject: And the verdict is…

And, as you would say, that I would say…Onward!

From: Renee Greene – August 17, 2012 – 3:42 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: And the verdict is…

Upward!

From: Shelley Manning – August 17, 2012 – 3:42 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: And the verdict is…

:)

Chapter 10 – Out of Sight, Out of Mind?

From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 10:02 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Forgiven?

Are you talking to me yet?

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 10:04 AM

To: PBCupLover

Subject: Re: Forgiven?

No!

From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 10:06 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Forgiven?

Well, at least you responded. That’s a start.  ;)

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 10:08 AM

To: PBCupLover

Subject: Re: Forgiven?

Don’t think you can add a little “wink” icon and think all is forgiven.  You’re cute in person but I’m royally pissed off and your charm isn’t translating into email.

From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 10:09 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Forgiven?

C’mon.  I’ve apologized over and over.  Again, I’M SORRY!

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 10:15 AM

To: PBCupLover

Subject: Re: Forgiven?

I know.  It’s not your fault.  Work is important.  Work is for our future.  Blah, blah, blah.  I don’t want to hear it right now.  And don’t give me some B.S. that you’ll “make it up to me” because Friday night
was
the “making it up to me” night out.

From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 10:32 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Forgiven?

I don’t know what else to do.  I can’t continue to apologize.  As you already stated – although I know you were being totally sarcastic – I have to work.  It’s a start-up.  We are trying to prepare for an IPO.  I’m the CFO.  My future at this company, in the workforce, and in general financially, is all riding on this.

Work is kicking my ass right now.  And, as a result, it’s kicking yours, too, and I am sorry for that.  But I don’t have a choice.  You can either be understanding about this or be pissed.  But I’m done apologizing.

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 10:48 AM

To: PBCupLover

Subject: Re: Forgiven?

So I’m not being understanding when I expect that my boyfriend will: a) spend time with me; b) keep his word; c) not fall asleep when we’re about to have sex.  Should I go on?!?

From: PBCupLover – August 18, 2012 – 11:12 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Forgiven?

One time.  One time I was too tired to have sex.  Do you know how many times you have told me you were too tired?  And do I give you constant shit about it?

I know it’s been frustrating.  But do you think I
like
working this much?  Do you think I’d
rather
be sitting at my computer, crunching numbers and on endless conference calls than being with you?  Is this
really
how I want to spend a Saturday?

These insanely long hours at work are temporary.  But it is my “now.”  And now I’ve got to get back to work.  You can yell at me tonight if I make it home at all.

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 11:22 AM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

Can you believe this?!?!  We were supposed to go out last night to Marnie’s Bistro for dinner to make up for the previous, I-don’t-know-how-many times he’s cancelled on me and he cancelled AGAIN!

Then he tells me
I’m
not being understanding.  I could literally scream.  In fact, I think I will.  Did you hear it?  I know I’m all of the way across LA, but it was pretty loud.

Honestly, Shel.  It’s like I don’t even have a boyfriend.  Maybe this relationship isn’t going to work.

From: Shelley Manning – August 18, 2012 – 12:17 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

Sweetie, I can certainly hear the frustration in your voice.  No, I didn’t hear your scream across town, but I imagined a movie scene where pigeons fly from an empty town square at the enormity of your shriek.  Seriously, I can totally see that you are angry and upset.

However (did you sense that coming?), I think Ethan’s sort of right.  Hey, if you come to me with something, you know I’m going to give it to you straight.

Clearly, he’s working very hard and neglecting you.  But it’s not like you have to worry that he’s cheating on you.  The boy loves you and this is a temporary thing.  He’s doing this because it is an amazing opportunity that will poise him for great things down the road professionally and personally.

So if you want my advice – which I’m assuming you did, otherwise you wouldn’t have had me do a virtual eavesdrop on your lover’s quarrel – cut the boy some slack.

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 12:24 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

Et tu, Brute?
  (yes, Shakespeare again!)

And I never even considered he might be cheating.  Not until just now?!?!  I mean, he’s joked in the past that he’s too busy to cheat and I always joke back that I’m glad there’s a good reason he’s stayed faithful.  But that could certainly explain why he’s been so distant and tired.

From: Shelley Manning – August 18, 2012 – 12:43 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

Honestly, Renee!  Do you really think Ethan would cheat on you?  The boy is crazy about you.  There’s absolutely no way he would even consider being with someone else.

Pul-leaze!  You know I’m your biggest fan, Sweetie, but you are not always easy to love.  Sometimes you can be a bit…

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 12:44 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

…Neurotic?  Crazy?  Difficult?

From: Shelley Manning – August 18, 2012 – 12:45 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

Um…yes to all.  ;)

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 12:54 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

I know.  And he puts up with it all.  I know in my heart of hearts he’s not cheating.  He is definitely putting work ahead of me.  And I don’t like it one bit.  You would never let a guy treat you this way.

From: Shelley Manning – August 18, 2012 – 1:12 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

Don’t go comparing yourself to
me
.  (HA!  That definitely came out the wrong way, huh?)  What I mean is, we’re in different situations.

You are in a committed relationship with the man you know you want to spend the rest of your life with.  You can’t imagine your life without him.  And you shouldn’t.  You were meant to be together.

You always talked about how the online dating pool was really a dating “cesspool.”   I remember you jokingly complained you were afraid the guy would be an ax murderer while guys were always afraid the girl would be fat.  Do you really want to go back to that?

I’m not in that place in my life.  So I don’t have expectations from a partner like you would.

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 1:19 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

Wow!  This has turned into quite the deep conversation about love and relationships.  Quick, say something inappropriate to lighten the mood!

From: Shelley Manning – August 18, 2012 – 1:20 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

BALLS!

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 1:22 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

SUCCESS!  Thanks Shelley.  Go back to enjoying your Saturday.  Speaking of which, why are you online on a Saturday?

From: Shelley Manning – August 18, 2012 – 1:24 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Forgiven?

Just catching up on some correspondences.  Talk later Sweetie.  Mwah! Mwah!

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 2:02 PM

To: Mark Finlay

Subject: Cassidy’s Schedule

Hey, Mark.  I know Cassidy’s schedule is very busy and always changing.  You mentioned she’s at the beck and call of her clients who want her when they want her.  Does that ever bother you?  Do you ever feel neglected?

From: Mark Finlay – August 18, 2012 – 3:22 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Cassidy’s Schedule

Why do you ask?  Everything okay with you and Ethan?  I imagine he’s been working some long hours.  Start-ups can be brutal.

Honestly, Cass’s work drives me crazy, among other things.  For example, her grammar is atrocious, she never capitalizes
anything
and she keeps sending me videos of cats.  Clearly, I’m a dog person, right?  We even
fight
like cats and dogs  (clever, aren’t I?) over the dumbest stuff.  But I love her.  And that means loving everything about her, even the things I can’t stand.

And she similarly puts up with all of my faults too.  I know I can be a little obsessive about cleanliness and that I overanalyze everything and that I can’t make a decision without doing an abundance of research.  I’m sure she doesn’t love all of that stuff.  But she deals with it because she loves me.

I spent so many years trying to find someone perfect.  I would find any little fault and use that as an excuse to not get out there.  But I realized – don’t ask me how! – that I didn’t need someone perfect but instead needed someone
perfect for me
.  And she is.  She’s kind, sweet, funny and all around fantastic.  And she makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.  In fact, I’m going to marry this girl!

I’ve learned to put up with the things that I don’t like knowing they are just small issues in a much bigger, better package.

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 4:00 PM

To: Mark Finlay

Subject: Re: Cassidy’s Schedule

OMG!  When are you going to propose?  Do you have the ring?  Do you want help shopping for one?  Does she know?

From: Mark Finlay – August 18, 2012 – 4:32 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Cassidy’s Schedule

I’m not sure when I’m going to propose.  We haven’t talked about it at all.  But I’ve started learning more about how to buy a diamond.  I would love for you to come shopping with me.  You’ve got great taste and a woman’s perspective would definitely help.  I’ll keep you posted.

Regarding Ethan, good luck staying supportive.  And if you ever get lonely, Cass and I would love hanging out with you.

From: Renee Greene – August 18, 2012 – 4:33 PM

To: Mark Finlay

Subject: Re: Cassidy’s Schedule

YES!  Keep me posted.  And thanks, Mark.  You’re the best.

From: PBCupLover – August 19, 2012 – 8:23 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Making Up

Well, I take it you’ve forgiven me, no?  If you haven’t, you are REALLY good in bed when you’re angry.  We should fight ALL the time.

Sorry I had to take off so early this morning but as you know, I’ve got to work...even on a Sunday.  I’ll call you later.

From: Renee Greene – August 19, 2012 – 9:43 AM

To: PBCupLover

Subject: Re: Making Up

Well, when you compliment a girl like that, it’s hard to stay angry.  Although being mad at you is no fun, the making up part is pretty great.  Made me realize how much I’ve missed you.

From: PBCupLover – August 19, 2012 – 9:46 AM