The Click Trilogy (29 page)
Authors: Lisa Becker
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 9:01 AM
Bcc:
Subject: Help me save the Ta-tas
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears
! (Yes, that Shakespeare reference was just for you, Shelley.)
I’ve decided to do a breast cancer awareness run and I’m hoping you will do your part to help me save the Ta-tas. Millions of dollars are needed for increased research and access to patient care for this devastating disease. And if I’m willing to run for this cause, you
know
it must be important to me. So open your check books wide and get ready to donate at the attached link.
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 9:18 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you’ve got a great rack. And it’s not just me reminiscing about Cancun. They’ve held up remarkably well over the years. (Pun intended!) We’ve got to make sure those girls stay perky, happy and healthy. So of course I will donate to the cause.
And Sweetie, just wondering, are you doing this because I sent you a photo of my boobs a few days ago?
On another note, lunch soon at Mel’s? I’ll call you to figure out a plan.
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 9:22 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
No, your sexting stunt didn’t jump-start this endeavor. But thanks for getting that mental picture in my head again.
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 9:26 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Damn! I was thinking I was your inspiration. And believe me, I’ve had plenty of people begging for a flash of my assets.
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 9:27 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
You’re not my type. ;)
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 9:42 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Oooh. Ouch! Well on that painful note, “ta ta” for now. (Ha! See what I did there? I made a joke. A very funny one at that.)
From: PBCupLover – July 19, 2012 – 9:43 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
You know I love those Ta-tas Babe. They’re priceless. A donation will be forthcoming.
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 9:23 AM
To: PBCupLover
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I know you do. Thanks for lovin’ them. :)
From: cassidy – July 19, 2012 – 10:37 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
thats great renee. good for you. your not only doing a really great thing for people who need it, but its great exercise.
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 10:38 AM
To: cassidy
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Exercise? Yikes! I forgot about that part. ;)
From: cassidy – July 19, 2012 – 11:12 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
exercise is so important for your body and soul. i know i feel a huge difference when i don’t get my regular daily exercise.
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 11:14 AM
To: cassidy
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I just feel huge, probably because I don’t exercise. ;)
From: cassidy – July 19, 2012 – 12:56 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
dont be so hard on yourself. you really only need to lose 10 pounds.
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: cassidy – July 19, 2012 – 1:13 PM
To:
Subject: Fwd: 10 Cutest Cat Moments
cute indeed, dontcha think?
h’s & k’s,
cassidy
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 1:45 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Fwd: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
WOW! I’m
really
trying for Mark’s sake, but that “10 pound” email makes it hard. I’m starting to get a complex!
Oh, don’t go thinking I’m an eating-disorder candidate. I’m too lazy and not quite masochistic enough for that. I could never be a bulimic. The thought of puking makes me want to gag. Hovering over a receptacle with my finger shoved obediently down my throat is enough to sicken anyone. It makes me want to puke just thinking about it.
Laxatives are always an alternative. Although throwing up from that other angle makes me want to gag as well. Some talk show the other day had a twig on the show who took a hundred laxatives. A hundred?!? Wouldn’t two or three do the job? After fifteen at the most, you would think the laxatives would no longer be effective.
So, I guess I could always become an anorexic and starve myself. You know, be one of those sprout-eating, carrot-nibbling, wheat-germ-guzzling, tofu-toting, fat-free-food-fanatical, aerobic-addicted, silicon-injected, slim-figure-flaunting waifs.
My disdain of dieting is rivaled only by my strong aversion to exercise. Now mind you, I’m not lazy. I’ve just got low self-esteem.
You walk into one of those gyms and it looks like a casting call for a teen vampire soap opera. Before you can join the gym, you have to pass some physical fitness/beauty contest. I can’t wait for the swimsuit competition.
If anyone there asks, you have to tell the barely-bodies and scanty-skinned you need to get into shape. Hold it! Getting into shape suggests that at one unfathomable time or another, I actually
was
in shape. I’ve never really been
in
shape. I’m just
a
shape.
Once membership in the gym has been obtained, you need to keep up with those stair-climbing, bike-riding, treadmill-running, spin-class-attending, weight-pumping Barbie dolls. My friend Julia from work looks for aerobics classes with old ladies in it, just so she can keep up.
UGH! I need some frosting.
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 2:03 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
She is just so effing annoying! You should feel really good about doing this breast cancer run. You’re a goddman humanitarian!
But listen, as much as I don’t like it when you put yourself down, I’ve got to say, what you just sent to me was hilarious. Really. You should be writing for magazines or something. You’re quite the clever gal, even if you do need to lose a few pounds. ;)
From: Renee Greene – July 19, 2012 – 2:09 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Only a few? I heard it was 10! ;)
From: Shelley Manning – July 19, 2012 – 2:11 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Ha-larious! I’ve got to run Sweetie, as do you, apparently. Mwah! Mwah!
From: Ashley Gordon – July 20, 2012 – 9:12 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Of course we will support you Renee. Breast health is an issue very dear – and literally near – to my heart.
Hey! Look at that. I made a joke. I cc’d Shelley on here to show that I actually know what a joke is, and how to make one.
And I’m reminded of how much you’ve “grown” since grade school. (Lookie there. Another joke.) Remember Eric Phelps?
From: Renee Greene – July 20, 2012 – 9:16 AM
To: Ashley Gordon
Cc: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Nice ones – oh and I don’t mean my boobs! Yes, thanks for the reminder about Eric Phelps.
From: Shelley Manning – July 20, 2012 – 9:20 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Ashley Gordon
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I don’t know about Eric Phelps. Do tell. Please, do tell.
From: Ashley Gordon – July 20, 2012 – 9:23 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Cc: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
It was hilarious. He wrote something in Renee’s 7th grade yearbook about how she had tiny breasts and she cried and cried.
From: Shelley Manning – July 20, 2012 – 9:24 AM
To: Ashley Gordon
Cc: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
That doesn’t sound hilarious. That sounds awful.
From: Renee Greene – July 20, 2012 – 9:52 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Cc: Ashley Gordon
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
It was worse than awful. Eric was this tall, lanky kid with a huge nose and a blond bowl haircut. You know that expression that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Let’s just say Eric lived in a MANSION. Yet, he was ruthless.
He wrote, and I remember it distinctly, “Dear Renee. Good luck in 8th grade. Have a fun summer. From Eric Phelps. P.S. You are so flat.”
I remember crying my eyes out for days and weeks… basically all summer long. I prayed and prayed every day, “Dear Lord. Please, PLEASE, let me get boobies.”
It took until 12th grade – and believe me, those were 5 looooonng years – but I finally got ‘em. And as they say, be careful what you wish for, because it just might come true. As you well know, my cup runneth over.
Oh how I
WISH
Eric Phelps could see me now.
Even though the thought of that incident still hurts a wee bit, I guess it’s a good story now so I shouldn’t be complaining. All’s well that ends well, as they say, right? (Oh, and by the way, Shelley. That’s
also
from Shakespeare!)
From: Ashley Gordon – July 20, 2012 – 10:30 AM
To: Renee Greene
Cc: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
I didn’t mean to dredge up old and painful memories. It’s just that whenever I think about your breasts, not that it’s all that often, I think of that story.
From: Renee Greene – July 20, 2012 – 11:56 AM
To: Ashley Gordon
Cc: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Help me save the Ta-tas
Oh, that’s okay. Remember the indignity of our senior prom? I probably never told you this one either, Shelley. I had a crush on this guy named Kevin. He was on the lacrosse team and we were good friends. But I secretly liked him. I told my friend Stacy that I really wanted him to ask me to the prom. She kept telling me that
I
should ask
him
.
Finally she said, if
you
don’t ask him,
I
will. I figured she was just being a good friend and giving me the push that I needed. Kind of like you do. I said, tonight I’ll do it. She said – and I remember like it was yesterday – she was going to bake cookies for a mutual friend’s birthday and to call her later.
I called Kevin and left a message with his flaky brother for him to call me back. Then I left a message for Stacy to call me back. Hours went by.