The Book of New Family Traditions (7 page)

“Ten Simple Steps to Successful Family Dinners”

Step One: It’s a Date!

Laurie David (yes, she is the former wife of TV writer-star Larry David) is a big believer in having a set time for dinner. It saves a lot of nagging and reminding, and just gets built into everyone’s schedule.

Step Two: Everyone Comes to the Table at the Same Time

“Even if you don’t eat, you still have to participate (in my experience, the nonhungry participants usually forget they weren’t hungry and end up eating the whole meal,” says Laurie. (You can tell she has two daughters and no sons!)

Step Three: No Phones

“No ringing, vibrating, answering, or texting allowed.”

Step Four: One Meal, No Substitutions

“Be prepared for initial stubbornness and a few uneaten meals, but the phase won’t last long.”

Step Five: Everyone Tries Everything

“The rigid insistence in the old days on eating all of your vegetables only accomplished one thing—it turned kids into stealth veggie Houdinis....

Tasting everything is an important rule. It shows respect to whomever prepared the food and respect for yourself. Why not give your taste buds an opportunity to be pleasantly surprised?”

Step Six: No Television

“Your kids will argue with you that they can do three things at the same time (watch TV, eat, and listen closely to your every word, maybe even IM [instant messaging], too!), but it doesn’t matter. Here’s the good news: On special occasions, the television is invited to dinner and as a result of the novelty, it is a really fun treat.”

Step Seven: Tap Water Only, Filtered If Needed

“Serve it cold and preferably from a filtered tap in a clear glass pitcher. Garnish with slices of lemon, lime, cucumber, oranges, apples or sprigs of mint. Adding whole fresh or frozen strawberries, raspberries or blueberries to their glasses makes kids want to drink even more water in their attempts to reach the berry treasure at the bottom!”

Step Eight: Friends and Family Welcome

“I always encourage my kids to invite their friends and even their friends’ parents to dinner. ‘The more the merrier’ really puts everyone in a happy mood at the table, and everyone is on their best behavior, too.”

Step Nine: You’re Excused

At the David’s house, no one leaves the table until after dessert. Laurie says she believes that having a final little segment to the meal resolves unfinished business and brings a second act to the meal. She says she doesn’t do a big dessert every night, but that the end of her meals can mean sharing orange slices, or even just cups of tea.

Step Ten: Everyone Helps Clean Up

“No exceptions. It’s more fun and cleanup is faster when everyone chips in.”

Hello and Good-Bye Rituals

Looking up and suddenly realizing that Mommy and Daddy have simply disappeared can be traumatic for a toddler. Are they gone forever? Although it can take a little extra time to act out a small ritual of leave-taking when you go to work or drop your kids off at day care or school, it’s worthwhile to help them work through those moments and realize that though you are gone, your love remains behind.

Some of the best of these little rituals give your children a tiny bit of power in deciding the exact moment of departure, and it’s amazing how little they abuse that, because you’ve made it playful and given them a feeling of confidence. They have seen this movie before and they know the ending: You always come back.

At the other end of things, it’s also helpful to have a greeting ritual to reengage with your children after you’ve been apart for hours or days. Simple hugs and kisses are great, perhaps some silly nicknames and endearments, a special handshake, or a reunion song if you feel like it. Don’t forget to also take the time to hear about their day. If you get them in the habit of sharing the details when they’re really young, maybe they won’t stop once they become self-conscious teens.

Surprise Daily Drawing

Lisa Coughlin’s husband, Sean, knows that when his daughter, Stella, wakes up on a weekday morning, he will already have left for work. So every weekday night, after she goes to bed, he makes a quick drawing about something that happened that day and leaves it on the kitchen table for her to find the next morning. “The drawings are very simple with stick-figure people,” says Sean. “I have drawn her with her friends at the park or her cousins dancing, or she and I playing [the card game] Uno. It just takes me a minute or two to make the drawing and add a caption. The goal is to remember the little moments that may be forgotten in the crush of everyday life.” Some of the drawings have been framed, but many remain in the various notebooks Sean has used over the years.

Good-Bye Car Song

Mary Routh, a mail carrier in Iowa, knew her daughter worried about her parents while she was in preschool. So she used to make up a little song to sing on the way to the school, with a prayer element, such as, “I pray that Daddy works hard and Mommy won’t get wet in the rain, and help us to remember to pick up milk on the way home.” It was a window into their day, and being able to sing about it and bless them made her feel like she had an active part: It became familiar, knowable, hers.

Day-Care Drop-off Magic Words

Elinor Craig, a California mom, was having trouble getting her son, Mose, to separate at preschool, so she created a ritual in which he would pick a secret code word on the way, based on something he had seen. When they arrived, he would hang up his jacket, play a little with some toys, and then when he said the code word, such as “snowman” or “fire engine,” that would mean he was ready for her to leave. This cemented a feeling of closeness and conspiracy with his mother, and his peers never had to know he had any qualms about being left.

A Token to Remember Mommy All Day

A couple of Karly Randolph Pitman’s four kids had separation issues at school, and she says she didn’t want them to feel guilty about that. “I was a sensitive child and grew up feeling like it was a character flaw. I have chosen to validate their sensitivity, and not make it wrong,” she explains. For two of her sons, she had tangible objects she would give them representing her, “so we were still connected.” Her youngest has a little aqua heart-shaped stone in a bag. “I usually kiss the heart and give it back to him,” Karly says. Another son carried a little Hallmark angel charm with an inscription on the back: “My heart is with you always.”

Special Handshakes

On an old episode of the
Oprah winfrey
show, a father demonstrated the complicated handshakes he does with his son and daughter as part of a morning good-bye ritual. These were more like elaborate hand ballets than handshakes, but performing them before separating gives the kids a vivid reminder that their connection to Dad is close, and unique.

Circle Hugs

The members of one family I know take a moment each morning before they all head off to work and school to do a quick circle hug in the kitchen. They face the center, bow their heads, and ask God to “bless this day and our love for each other.”

Daily Wishes

Along with good-bye morning hugs in our house, we try to say at least two things we hope for the person that day. My son might say to his father, “For today, I hope your commute is easy and your work is fun.” Tailoring the wishes to the day proves we’re paying attention to each other’s lives: a comforting proof of love.

Special Kiss

The popular picture book
The Kissing Hand,
by Audrey Penn, has inspired many a parent to create a special good-bye kiss for an anxious child. Leah Whigham Grendall is one of those parents. With the guidance of her two-year-old son, she and her husband invented a series of moves they do for good-byes, whether it’s at the morning school bus, or at bedtimes or other leave-takings. Leah or her husband kiss the boy in each hand and once on the lips, then follow up with a hug. At the age of five, he sometimes added other things, like literally pushing her out the door at preschool. “The push is always kid-size,” says Leah, “But I overexaggerate and leap through the door. ” Sometimes he wants lipstick kisses from his mom, so when he walks by a mirror, he will see them: love made visible. These again are powerful rituals of comfort, partly because the boy feels like he’s in charge of them.

Stuffed Animals in the Trees

Right before meeting my son’s bus when he was in grade school, I used to grab a handful of his favorite stuffed animals and perch them on tree branches, rocks, and the swing set. He would get off the bus to find them and always walk in the front door grinning.

Homecoming Blessing

To really feel conscious of resuming the family connection, some people devise simple rituals of homecoming at day’s end. Kathleen O’Connell Chesto, a writer on Catholic family ritual, suggests hugging the kids when they return from school and saying this simple prayer: “Lord, help us to be present to you in one another. Amen.”

Hello and Good-Bye for Divorced Families

Children of divorced parents who share custody often have serious issues of transition between households. No matter the ages of the children or how often they switch households, it’s very helpful to give some thought to creating comforting rituals for both departures and arrivals.

Keep things calm and predictable. If the kids have to travel a long distance and only make the switch a couple times a year, consider things like always having the same last-night meal, or always eating at the same pizza place, or going out for sundaes at Dairy Queen. Have a ritual for saying good-bye to the house itself, and any pets. Suzy Kellett has quadruplets who fly out to see their dad for part of every summer. The night before they leave, the kids bring sleeping bags into her room and they all “camp out” on her bedroom floor. That was their departure ritual for years, before they all grew up and left for college.

Of course, it also makes sense to create rituals for returning, whether related to food or activities. Take a walk together and discuss how the visit was, or sit around the table and have a snack, or play a favorite game.

Another idea is to practice something like the text in
Goodnight, Moon
only in reverse: have the kid(s) say “Hello” to various rooms, their toys, any pets and the house itself.

This is also a time when all the various smart phones and laptops can help the kids stay in touch with the household they just left. Once they get home, they can send a quick text message or short video to the parent whose house they just left, reporting any new and sharing “I love yous.”

Waving at the Window

Louise Witonsky and her children used to rush to the window every morning as Daddy went to work, and wave. If it was dark and guests were leaving, they would flick the house lights off and on to say good-bye, and if the person leaving knew about the ritual, he or she would blink back with the car lights. Very simple rituals, but if they didn’t happen, Louise says, family members would miss them.

Reconnection Ritual at Day’s End

Bobbi Conner, longtime host of NPR’s show
The Parent’s Journal,
had to learn some things the hard way while raising her own kids. She used to come home from work and try to prepare dinner right away but was confronted by cranky, hungry kids who wanted her attention. So she created a pause, a reconnection ritual, in which she would serve them a healthy snack like apples and cheese, grab a cuddle, read a story, and learn about their day. Once they got their “Mommy dose,” her kids drifted off to play and she was able to fix dinner in a more relaxed way.

“When things just feel rushed and out of whack with your daily family routine, in most cases the best fix is just a small shift in routine or a new ritual that lets you enjoy time with your kids,” says Bobbi. “Instead of thinking, ‘Our life is too hectic, let’s quit our jobs, sell the house, and move to Alaska,’ parents can make a new routine. Turn off the TV, play some new game for twenty minutes.”

Note
: Bobbi’s excellent book,
Unplugged Play
is full of fresh, fun (non-electronic) games to re-engage with your kids.

Mom and Dad Away-from-Home Rituals

Stuffed Animal Traveling Pals

Every time I go on a trip, for years now, I pack a small stuffed animal named Gus in my carry-on bag. He’s an adventurous alligator who loves to travel, check out swimming pools, and drink beer. In every city I visit, I find somewhere to photograph Gus, even if it’s only in the hotel room, though sometimes it’s at a meeting or restaurant. I know that this is not uncommon: I remember spending time on a delayed flight comparing stuffed animals with the male engineer sitting next to me—I believe his son’s proxy was a plush lobster.