The Book of New Family Traditions (2 page)

These are very seductive devices, because while everyone is engrossed in their own video game or TV show, there may be fewer fights among brothers and sisters. But what have we lost? When you stop and think about it, sibling fights are a type of ritual, too, ones that teach kids how to get along with other people. The idea isn’t to eliminate conflict but to use ritual as a tool to dissipate crises so your kids learn how to react in a positive way.

Certainly, technology isn’t going away, and I think the only real solution is for parents to figure out how to use it wisely. This edition explores the many ways in which they can harness these devices to actually bring their families closer by both creating and recording great memories. Whether it’s through a family blog or secret texting codes, or silly themed movies made on smart phones, families can create new traditions using technology to
unite
rather than divide them.

Truly, Americans are a nation of tradition lovers, people who cherish their roots. As before, I’ve included a very diverse group of families, from all sorts of ethnic backgrounds and religions and domestic arrangements, and if anything, the variety is even greater this time.

Here’s an important point: When it comes to ritual (and loads of other things), parents should feel free to borrow from good ideas that are already circulating, no matter that another family’s tree was planted in a different country or type of soil. I mean, whether it’s an apple tree or a fig tree or some other type of tree, there are certain principles of good stewardship that apply to virtually
all
trees. Am I right?

So, before you turn the page and skip some family’s ritual in the book because they are Christians and you are Jewish or Buddhist or Hindu or Muslim or agnostic, do yourself a favor and check it out anyway. You might stumble across a kernel of an idea that will inspire your next family celebration. Just because you didn’t grow up celebrating Kwanzaa or Passover or Arbor Day doesn’t mean you couldn’t start now. Maybe you’ve been celebrating Easter for years but would like to add something new for the kids: Why not try the ritual of cascarones, confetti-filled eggs, so popular with Mexican Americans?

There are surely many traditions in this book that won’t fit your family, but my goal was not to present these hundreds of rituals just to be copied—I hope they will inspire. If you know additional creative ways to mark big occasions and deepen simple daily rituals, I hope you’ll share them with me, because I’ll never stop looking for more. Send me an e-mail at [email protected], or write a letter to me through my publisher.

I dedicate this book to parents in families everywhere who know that their kids’ childhoods will zoom by in a flash and are determined to break those years down into memorable moments and deeply shared experiences.

Introduction

Why Does It Matter So Much?

Kissing a boo-boo is both a ritual and a metaphor.

If your child takes a tumble, you scoop her up, dust her off, and check for cuts, bruises, or breaks. Even before any necessary medical attention, it’s time for hugs and kisses. Likely, there are certain words you always use at these times. “That’s my strong, brave girl!” or “Mommy’s here, and you’re fine.” Or whatever sounds right to you.

This is a ritual because it’s a series of actions we parents perform intentionally, in a particular order with prescribed words and actions. The holding and comforting of the child is as vital as the disinfectant and Band-Aid in keeping her safe, because it also works as a kind of long-term psychological talisman. The reassurance that loving arms will always be there to pick her up and keep her safe is a lot of what makes it possible for your child to keep taking one more leap into the big, unknown world out there.

And that’s where the metaphor part comes in. Ritual in general, all the little and big things we do together as families, works as a safety net, a security blanket, and an ongoing promise of protection.

I knew a family that actually had something they called the “Poor Sweet Baby Blanket,” a worn blanket they kept in a closet. When any member of the family had an atrocious day, they took the blanket out at day’s end and wrapped it around that person, while hugging him or her and saying the soothing words, “Poor Sweet Baby!”

Most parents already have a life laced with ritual and tradition, but they don’t always realize it. The dozens of small, often idiosyncratic actions and responses that occur every day just come pouring out of them from love and habit. These are things as simple as a catchphrase you say when you pull out of the driveway, or the precise way your toddler’s stuffed animals must be lined up at bedtime. Parents don’t glorify these things with words like “ritual” or “tradition.” But they should.

In my work, I start by trying to get parents to realize the supreme importance of these small gestures and how they fit alongside the bigger, more dramatic events and celebrations that constitute a family’s ritual life.

Let’s start with a definition. I sometimes use the words
ritual
and
tradition
interchangeably, but I prefer the word
ritual
because it covers more ground. It’s a stretchy word that covers everything from saying grace at the table to big ceremonies like weddings and funerals.

The dictionary says a ritual is an action repeated. Ritual is something you do in the same way over and over, on purpose. To me, family ritual is practically any activity you purposely repeat together as a family that includes a heightened attentiveness, and something extra that lifts it above the ordinary ruts. A habit isn’t the same at all. It’s something you do like brushing your teeth—without thinking, on automatic pilot.

Another difference between rituals and habits is the nature of your purpose. You brush your teeth so they stay clean and won’t fall out. You don’t have family dinners just for the purpose of putting food in your bellies: You gather together because you want to build a deep, satisfying sense of belonging for your tribe.

Here’s another way to describe the difference between ritual and routine, and it comes from an unexpected source, a California-based fitness trainer named Chip Conrad. I found this quote on his website:

There is a great difference between routine and ritual. Routines are obligatory activities that require little or no thought. Rituals encompass spirit, magic, and that overused word, empowerment, to transform you to new levels of accomplishment and being.

Now, Conrad is talking about taking people to transformative, new levels of physical fitness. But he’s really made the distinction brilliantly, and I think families that work to achieve memorable, personal rituals will very likely tap into something magical. And they will definitely empower their children.

But what’s the extra pizzazz that makes an activity a ritual, not a routine? You need to create a splash, throw some metaphorical sprinkles on top. Repeated words or actions, special food or music, and a heightened sense of attention can provide the juice you need. I wouldn’t call it a ritual if you sometimes sit on the front steps of your house, blowing bubbles with your kids. But if you do it every Friday while consuming cookies and lemonade and call it your “Welcome to the Weekend Party,” then it’s definitely a family ritual.

Many of my favorite rituals are extremely simple. There’s the mother who writes inspiring messages in colored chalk on her driveway and street for her daughters to find on the first day of school. Or the father who provides “monster spray” in a spritz bottle so his son can fall asleep every night feeling protected.

Ten Good Things Rituals Do for Children

1. Impart a sense of identity

2. Provide comfort and security

3. Help to navigate change

4. Teach values

5. Pass on ethnic or religious heritage

6. Teach practical skills

7. Solve problems

8. Keep alive a sense of departed family members

9. Help heal from loss or trauma

10. Generate wonderful memories

Ritual is a package deal. It’s everything we do to celebrate our families, not just on special occasions, but also every day, every meal, every bath, and every bedtime story. In ritual, little is big: Although dress-up holidays with lavish feasts are fun, it’s the everyday traditions that determine how we experience our families and demonstrate hands-on love for our children.

Intuitively, we know this is good, and we consciously pass down beloved traditions from our own childhoods. But the power of ritual and the need for it are far stronger than we realize. Anthropologists have never found a human culture without ritual!

Even the most bewildered new mom quickly realizes that her baby gets calmer with a settled routine for sleeping, eating, and other activities. And if you start singing a funny little song every time you get ready to dip her in the baby tub, she starts cooing in anticipation: The two of you are in a private sorority, and she loves knowing the secret handshake. Through rituals and traditions as simple as this, you are building the bond of your joined identity, defining your relationship by acting it out.

There’s no question that creating and sustaining family traditions takes effort. But if you enter into ritual making with an understanding of its awesome, multiple benefits, you will never want to stop.

Comfort and security are two of the most important benefits of early ritual, and these are not just things we need as babies.

Rituals also provide a sense of identity: Religious families build their beliefs into every tradition from high holidays to bedtime prayers. Sports-crazed families often have sports-related rituals, whereas musical families sing together. Children grow up feeling Mexican or Chinese partly because of ethnic celebrations and ritual foods. Kids who grow up feeling close to their extended families are those who regularly attend family reunions, or go to “cousins camp” at Grandma’s every summer.

Next to rituals of celebration, which include birthdays and holidays, the biggest category is probably rituals that help children handle transitions. Bedtime rituals, for one, are all about helping infants and children to switch gears from activity and togetherness to stillness and solitude.

But there is so much more going on. Rituals need to be conscious because they also pass on our values. That’s why many families add rituals of philanthropy to their holiday festivities and don’t just focus on gift giving. I interviewed members of one Jewish family that was so wedded to living their values about donating 10 percent of income to charity that they actually had a ritual of donating 10 percent of their Monopoly money when they passed Go in the game. No, that pretend money didn’t heal a sick person or feed a hungry one, but it was a ritual reminder of what mattered to them, threaded through their family lives.

Rituals can also be designed to teach practical skills, as in families where the kids take turns makingSunday dinner—even if they start off serving peanut butter sandwiches.

Savvy parents realize early that one of the most practical uses of ritual is in problem solving. Do the kids bicker constantly? Create a tension-diffusion ritual. Having a crisis every time you drop your toddler off at day care? Design a good-bye ritual that helps him feel loved but independent, ready to explore new grounds.

Ritual is also an important tool in helping families heal in times of stress or loss, whether it’s the backyard funeral for a beloved pet or the loss of the Little League championship. Looking back on the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorism, there was a constant focus, not just on the loss, but also on the rituals of mourning and healing, from New York City Fire Department bagpipes to the planting of a million daffodils around New York City. Victims’ families handled grief with their own private rituals, as with the little boy who ran around in his backyard every night waving a burning sparkler for his dad in heaven to see.

Ellen Galinsky, cofounder of the Families and Work Institute and the author of such books as
Ask the Children
, has done groundbreaking research on what kids really think of their lives and their parents. When she asked kids what they would remember most from their childhoods, Ms. Galinsky learned that it wasn’t big gifts or fancy celebrations, but simple rituals and everyday traditions; modest but personal gestures of love, like made-up bedtime stories, that left the children feeling safe and cherished.

Three Studies That Prove the Power of Family Traditions

Study 1

Teenagers who have dinner with their families infrequently (less than three times a week) are three and a half times more likely to abuse prescription drugs than teens who have frequent family dinners (five times or more weekly). Teens who rarely have family dinners are also two and a half times more likely to smoke cigarettes, and one and a half times likelier to use alcohol.

Source: A 2007 study, “The Importance of Family Dinner,” conducted by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (
www.casacolumbia.org
). Further, the center released a study in 2011 saying that 90 percent of adults who fit the criteria of being addicts began smoking, drinking, or using drugs as teenagers.

Study 2

Studies of families with alcoholic parents have shown that if the parents continue to perform the family’s established rituals and traditions, including the celebrations of major holidays, the children are much less likely to become alcoholics themselves. In a study group in which the parents were extremely scrupulous about continuing family rituals, only 25 percent of the children grew up to be alcoholic. Among those families in which ritual practice was haphazard, more than 75 percent of the children suffered from alcoholism as adults.