The Body Language Rules (9 page)

rehearse .

Here's a guide to help you through your rehearsals:

I Palms facing up make you look open, honest, and compliant;

however, overdoing the palm displays could make you look like

a small-time crook or conman . Remember, overcongruent

signals are not a nice look . The poker player's rule

applies to overacted hand movements--that is, if

your opponent looks as though he has a bad hand,

expect it to be a good one, and vice versa .

I Palms held to the front is a signal to stop or defensiveness under

attack . If the palm is flat and fingers are stretched, it

will look like an order . If the palm is more relaxed,

it will imply you're trying to get someone to

lay off .

I hands balled into fists . If they're down at your sides

it will look like suppressed aggression . If they're A B e gI n n e R ' S g U I D e TO y O U R h An D g e S T U Re S 109

held at waist height, they'll suggest frustration

at yourself . I hands clasped in front of torso . Held crotch-height,

they'll look super defensive as though expectant

of a low-blow attack . (By the way, watch out for

defensive gestures; when we look as though we're

expecting to be attacked we often invite the very

thing we dread .) If the hands are loosely clasped

waist height you'll look ready for action and rather

confident . If they're clasped any higher you'll look

submissive, with the level of submission rising along

with the hands . You'll probably stop at the chin,

and the hands clasped under the chin pose is the

most submissive of the lot, practically inviting other

people to wipe their feet all over you . Wringing

hands suggest subservience and anxiety . A hand-

clasp gesture in which the palms are pointed at

the floor will look juvenile and very much like a

pathetic attempt to look cute . I "hamster hands" is a term I coined for hands clasped nervously

high up the body, around chest or even neck height . Doing

this will make you look overly anxious to please . I hands on hips . This body-bulking gesture can look

like Power Posturing . It mimics the first stages

of aggressive arousal in animals when they puff

themselves up to intimidate their opponents . 110 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I hands held with tips of fingers joined and palms slightly apart .

This is called "steepling" and it's easy to see why .

It normally signals a desire for heightened status,

especially if all the fingertips or the tips of the two

index fingers point upward toward your own chin .

There's a sense of control and precision about this

hand gesture that suggests a rather sanctimonious

attitude . If the fingertips point forward there's less

of the status posturing, but by pointing all fingers

at the other person you'll appear to want them to

keep their distance, not because you feel vulnerable

but because you feel superior .

I A lowered steeple is when the steepled hands are held around

crotch height or point forward . This implies critical

listening .

I By holding both arms at your sides you'll look odd . This pose

will only usually occur in military types or people

who have been on presentation skill-training

courses . If your arms are held out from your sides

like a muscle-bound ape you'll appear to be empha-

sizing your alpha credentials .

I If your hands are clasped behind your back you'll look as

though you're keeping them out of trouble . Women who

do this gesture can look charmingly whimsical but

men will often seem like a frotteur in remission .

This last point doesn't apply to concierge staff or A B e gI n n e R ' S g U I D e TO y O U R h An D g e S T U Re S 111

shop workers who will use the pose to signal they're

ready to serve or help . I Place one hand in a trouser pocket and you can look debonair

and cool, but only if the thumb is still on display . Hooking a

thumb or both thumbs into your pockets can look

affected in a suspicious kind of way . Shoving the

whole hand in will signal a desire to hide . Ditto both

hands, with bells on . Jangling change in your pocket

will just look perverted . Avoid jacket pockets at all

costs as they're too high to look good, especially

when the pockets belong to a double-breasted jacket

that is buttoned up . This will look anally retentive . I your hands shouldn't be employed in any business apart from

gesturing as you speak . I Be careful how you employ your index fingers; remember that

they constitute a weapon and you could look aggressive or

attacking . For example, a finger-baton is when you

raise your finger upright and then wave it forward

and back, looking reproachful . I Rubbing your hands together could imply relish and a desire

to get on with the proceedings . Prince William used this

gesture en route to his father's wedding . Beware

using it when you're in charge, though; it can

remind people of a dad at a kids' party . I When you use your hands, avoid keeping your arms pressed

in against your sides . This raises the shoulders and 112 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

presents like an anxious-looking self-hug . Drop

your shoulders as you've learned to do in your

posture exercise and allow your elbows to move out

slightly from your waist . Get a little air in under

your armpits, it will make you look more confident

and in control .

I never allow your fingers to go rigid, stiff, and spiky . This

is caused by muscle tension and will make your

nervousness obvious .

I If you have a habit of restraightening your tie, buy yourself

a tiepin and grow out of the gesture . If you want to be

reminded of how this comes across, watch how

David Brent did it in the British The Office and how

that nervous habit made him look . A tie is a phallic

garment worn like a huge arrow pointing toward

your willy . Keep touching it and drawing attention

to it and... well, you work out what it means .

I Use your illustrative gestures to tell a story . They're useful

for fleshing out your words or adding visual pictures

to aid understanding .

I keep your gestures working at about the same pace as your

speech, which will make them look coverbal and therefore

part of the same thought processes . Genuine gestures

occur just before words as it's easier for the brain

to create movement than to formulate language, so

to look sincere you should allow your hands to do A B e gI n n e R ' S g U I D e TO y O U R h An D g e S T U Re S 113

the talking rather than allowing your words to lead

the way . I Think Fred Astaire . The best movement is in sync so that

your entire body looks well choreographed . Avoid

anything that looks jerky or uncontrolled . This

doesn't mean every movement should look calm,

though . You can add impact via added emphasis .

But avoid becoming overly choreographed . Super

smooth movements can make you look false . Think

of those politicians who appear to have had every

single blink and breath under scrutiny and overly

groomed . Before George W . Bush, American

politicians were too choreographed . No one could

accuse Bush of being overly prepared in his Q&A

sessions, though! I Open gestures have more impact than closed, but if your arms

are spread for too long you'll look like Al Jolson doing jazz

hands . Alternate between loosely clasped hands and

open gestures . I keep gestures in the area from waist height to shoulder height .

Any lower and you'll look depressed or skeezy and

higher will imply hysteria or borderline madness . I Relax your fingers by shaking your hands gently before you

meet and speak . Camilla Parker Bowles could have

been given this advice to overcome nerves before

her marriage to Prince Charles, but I spotted her 114 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

doing it as she approached a group at a reception .

Please keep your warm-ups in private . The only

invisible workouts would be gently exhaling to

relax your body or the posture corrector, straight-

ening your spine, and dropping your shoulders back

and down .

I never use props to keep your hands out of trouble . Although

it's tempting to hold a bag, a pen, or even some

papers, you'll find these become an exaggerated

version of any self-comfort fiddles . Pens provide

such a good insight into your thoughts and emotions

that they should come with a government health

warning . Grievous bodily harm with a ballpoint

pen is commonplace, and as you twist it, unscrew

it, chew it, or waggle it you'll be giving away more

than you'd choose to .

I Illustrative gestures are grand but make sure you never teeter

over the brink and into the world of mime . Remember the

Backstreet Boys? Remember how they had a move

for every line in the song? I've seen speakers perform

very much the same way, miming words as they

speak as though talking to the hard of hearing .

When you start to discover your leakage gestures it can cause you to suffer the kind of discomfort that can send you backpedaling into a state of unawareness . But always A B e gI n n e R ' S g U I D e TO y O U R h An D g e S T U Re S 115

remember that ignorance isn't bliss--some work spent studying your leakage signals, then focusing on the dos not the don'ts as a way to edit them won't only rid you of some negatives, but it will also enhance and add to your body language repertoire as well .

key PoinTs:

� Study the good hand gestures, like illustrative and emphatic, and

work on your bad ones, like the denials and metronomic gestures .

� Make your communications congruent by matching your hand

gestures to your words .

� Use techniques like palm displays to imply honesty and avoid

gestures like face-touch that could suggest you're lying .

f ACiAl

sions

exPRes

i

n this chapter you'll be working on your facial expres-

sions and other subtle giveaways; studying your smile, eye contact, and other facial movements; and seeing the effect they can have on your audience . From your social facial performances to your screensaver face, you'll learn how to project an open, positive, and charismatic image, or how to mask when things aren't going your way and you're feeling under pressure .

you And youR fACiAl exPRessions You probably think you're in control of your facial expres- sions, but the fact is you have very little, if any, idea what your face is saying throughout the day .

The human face has many more muscles than any other animal, and they combine to create a complex range of emotional messages . The urge to create these messages is 118 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

so strong we even perform them when we're alone and there's no one watching .

I What does your smile look like when you're required to perform

a social smile--that is, one that is pleasing or polite, rather

than one that is natural and unforced?

I Is your mouth crooked? Does your smile reach your

eyes? Do you show teeth or even part your lips?

I What's your normal level of eye contact? How do you behave

when you feel under pressure or intimidated?

I Where do your eyes tend to roam when you're thinking? Do

you stare straight ahead or upward?

I Do you ever frown without realizing it?

I What does your "screensaver" face look like? This is the

expression you wear when you're not putting your

"best face forward ." Do you look glum or angry?

Your face has three key modes:

1 . Performance . This is your normal "going out" face

used for meeting, greeting, and general chit-chat

scenarios .

2 . masking . This is the face you apply when trying to

suppress negative expressions and replace them with

something more polite or appropriate--for example,

masking boredom by feigning interest, and so on .

3 . Screensaver . This is more than just a blank canvas

on which the other expressions are painted; your FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 119

screensaver is the nearest there is to a natural facial

expression . You'd likely start in screensaver mode as

you prepare yourself for the day ahead . It's the face

you pull when you're not pulling a face, although

it's a little more complex than that . As we get older

our muscles tend to hold memory traces . These

will tend to distort your screensaver face, meaning

that without any bidding from you it's altogether

possible that your screensaver has become a

frown or a scowl . It's very rare that a screensaver

is anything remotely resembling a smile . I see one

woman regularly where I live and her face sports a

smile when it's in "resting" mode . I haven't done

a street survey on the effect her expression has on

passersby, but I have a strong suspicion that they're

mildly troubled by it .

Imagine a camera strapped to the side of your head, filming your facial expressions all day . How much time would you spend performing, masking, or in screensaver mode?

yOUR SOcIAL PeRFORmAnce FAce You think your face acts normally when you speak to friends, family, and colleagues? Then compare it to the face you wear when you first get out of bed in the morning . The better you know someone the more likely you are to 120 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

be wearing your normal face when you deal with them, but when you speak to anyone from a friend to a total stranger chances are you'll apply your social expression, what psychologists call "putting your best face forward ."

At work you will be required to use your performance face almost exclusively . Anyone not doing so will usually be deemed negative and moody, especially if they're female . Women in business are expected to smile 80 percent of the time and most are compliant enough to do so . Hence the way women are often described using that awful word that is intended to be a compliment: bubbly!

If you work in a front-line, customer-facing post, you'll probably be required to smile frequently . Otherwise your performed facial expression will probably range between polite, positive, listening, concerned, and keen . The higher up you are in the company the less pressure you could have to perform . Sir Richard Branson is one leading businessman who seems concerned with wearing his high- performance "smiley" face whenever he's out in public .

There's no dishonor in sporting a social performance face when you're out and about . Your ancestors would have found it a lifesaver because scowling and giving other animals the evil eye can get an animal killed .

The changes to your facial expression will create huge changes in the way you are perceived . I'll be talking about love and sex in chapter 9, but the "Look of Love" is one FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 121

of the most radical changes there is, rendering your face almost unrecognizable by a softening of the features that ensures your partner will find you doubly attractive and fall in love with you .

Sadly, once you've been through the initial stages of attraction, love and lust, your face is likely to return to its "natural" expression when you're with your partner . In many ways this relaxation of the features can be a relief, because you're in that comfortable zone with them known as "being yourself ." Trust and comfort allows us to drop the social mask and display our true face to our partner . Unfortunately, that "true" face is rarely the most attractive option . Just as the Look of Love is nature's own Viagra, so this "true" face might well be nature's own birth control as it tends to look dour, tired, and ugly . Unconditional love is a state we all strive for in our lives, having seen it with our parents and hoped for it with our partners, but it is a rare and unrealistic goal in a relationship that's also founded on sexual attraction . With men and women spending more hours in the workplace than they do at home, what happens when the person at home wears their world-weary face while at work the same person has been trained to wear their "best face"? I've studied thousands of business people and many of them wear the Look of Love on their faces when they're working because they're a salesperson, because they want to appear charismatic, or 122 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

because they want to suck up to the boss . This leads to a potential blurring of roles that more than accounts for the amount of office-based extramarital affairs .

DOg FAcIng Your route to work will involve a period of screensaver facial expression known as dog facing . This expression was discovered when prisoners were monitored when the guards were in the room as opposed to when the guards left them alone for a period of time . When the guards were there the prisoners dog faced, dropping their heads along with all traces of facial expression . This was partly through fear and partly through not wanting to stand out and be noticed . If you commute to work you'll probably dog face for both of the last reasons . When you sit or stand on a crowded train you try to remain invisible because drawing attention to yourself in those circumstances can be dangerous . You're in an enclosed environment with many strangers, any number of whom could pose a threat . By engaging in eye contact or attention-seeking behavior, you could risk opening yourself up to approach or even attack . You also place your mind somewhere else and this is reflected in your deadpan expression . Commuting is only bearable if you place your mind in a state of suspended animation!

Interspersed with this intense dog facing may be moments of high performance . This would come if you FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 123

buy a newspaper from a cheerful vendor or have quick chats with coffee-bar staff, security guards, or receptionists . This may require massive effort as you've been dog-facing for a long period of time . Often your smile of greeting will only exist in your mind . Ask any receptionist and he or she will tell you that all they see is a stream of miserable faces going past their desk .

yOUR emOTIOnAL FAceS Your key facial expressions are concerned with saving your life . There are primary and secondary emotions . Your basic emotions are those your ancestors would have used in the wild to react to real threats . They include fear, sadness, anger, joy, disgust, and surprise . Your secondary emotions are those caused or triggered by your thoughts or imagination . These include love, disappointment, contempt, optimism, and guilt or remorse .

Primary emotions have a strong facial response .

Fear or surprise will make you raise your brows, widen your eyes, and possibly open your mouth . All these responses will increase your ability to see and think quickly in the face of real threat .

Disgust will prevent you from eating food that has gone bad or would poison you . This expression clamps the lips together and twists your mouth, closes your eyes, and makes you wrinkle your nose and turn your head away, 124 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

often from side to side . You might also poke out your tongue to register rejection .

Anger creates a frown that protects your eyes in any potential fight . It also tightens the lips over the teeth, flares the nostrils, and puffs out and reddens your face, making you look more terrifying .

These primary emotional responses might be part of your evolutionary processing, but applied to the wrong situation they can cause conflict rather than save your life .

"You should have seen the look on your face" is a common comment, but the point is we can't . Unlike your other body language, your only assessments or evaluations of your own facial expressions are likely to be retrospective, and even then you'll need to have been filmed or photographed . Snapshots nearly always lie, either because you were putting on your "happy holiday" smile or because the only unaware shots that were taken got consigned to the trash can the moment you clapped eyes on them .

CReATing The PeRfeCT fACe Does the idea of working on your facial expressions make you feel vain or false? Actors have to invent and hone facial expressions all the time and in many ways, and as we've seen in this chapter, we're all actors when we put FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 125

on a face that will go out and greet the world . In UK culture, falseness is one of the worst accusations you can level at anyone . This shows up on a regular basis in the Big Brother house, where housemates will happily employ all types of bad or antisocial behavior but insist they're better than other housemates because "I'm just being myself ." So anyone struggling to sustain the basic life rituals of looking polite, positive, and sociable is instantly seen as false and untrustworthy .

The perfect facial expression then should be registering your ideal projected image . However, it should also look genuine . Why? Because we fear what we can't understand . One clue to why George W . Bush achieved a second term in office could be because he has what appears to be a very open facial expression . You might not like what he stands for, but all those fleeting expressions seem to give total access to his thoughts . We even saw how lousy his masking was when he was whispered the news of the attack on the World Trade Center on 9/11 . His face froze as his brain appeared to stall .

FAce SOFTenIng When we see someone or something we like or love, two key things happen to our faces . The first is that your features soften, which is why people who fall head- over-heels in love look soppy and there's no hiding their 126 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

feelings for one another . The second thing is that your pupils will dilate .

Now, there's no way you can make your pupils dilate at will (apart from belladonna, a type of poison, which Victorian ladies used to use to make themselves more attractive), but you can learn to soften your facial features .

There's no point walking into a room full of people who you hope will like you while you sport a face that looks like it should be in Madame Tussauds .

To relax your face to create a confident but approachable expression you'll need to do what I call ironing out your features .

I close your eyes for a second or two and imagine a nice

lukewarm iron is running over your entire face, getting rid of

all the knotted muscles and frown or stress lines .

I Work it around the eye area until all your facial muscles feel

more relaxed .

I Then poke the tip of your tongue into the roof of your mouth to

relax any tension in the jaw .

I Then start to apply the smile (the next thing you're going to

learn) .

ASymmeTRIc SmILIng Emotional facial expressions are--according to many psychologists--controlled by the right side of your brain, which means it's the left side of your face that will seem FAcIAL exPReSSIOnS 127

to smile easiest . Why the left? Well, the right side of the brain tends to operate the opposite side of the body and vice versa .

Take a look in a mirror and try a few facial expressions out . Try faking a smile, too . Often a faked smile is lopsided because one side of the face is able to reproduce an acted smile more readily than the other side .

When we fake it, then, it's often quite obvious to other people . However, faked smiles are so commonplace in society that we're happy to find this fakery an acceptable signal of an appropriate state . Therefore we're happy to see someone smile when they meet us, even though they don't know us . This takes us back to the ape compliant gesture of pulling the lips slightly back from the teeth to create nonfight rapport . We expect a fake smile of greeting from receptionists, waiters, salespeople, and even telephone staff who are told to smile when they speak, as a smile can be heard even if it can't be seen .

Like apes, though, we have a horror of the overly stretched smile . This simian sign of aggression is used constantly in business and on social occasions, often by people who are suffering from smile fatigue . Your smile should always look even and relaxed .