The Body Language Rules (7 page)

soCiAl PoweR signAls In many ways social power displays are a necessity if a group or a couple is going to form in a way that is harmonious . However, like the normal status signals, it's all to do with balance and the blend with comfortable compliance .

Your group of friends will have its own pecking order that is similar to a colony of animals . You might think you're all evenly placed but it would be hugely unlikely that you don't have an unanointed leader for a variety of different scenarios . You might even have one warrior leader and one peace-time leader--that is, one person who does all the social arrange- ments and decisions and one you would all stick to like glue if the group were under physical threat or challenge .

In groups of men it's often far easier to spot the main power broker . Men still use quite obvious Power-Posture g e S T U Re S 85

signals like splayed legs, puffed chests, fleeting crotch- touch, butt-clench signs, and even pit-baring gestures when they sit with their hands behind their heads baring all their delicate body parts to signal how unthreatening they find the person they're speaking to .

With groups of women there are less obvious alpha signs as--in ape terms--women in modern society tend to veer between alpha male and alpha female signals . So the most powerful female could be the one doing the complimenting, hugging or grooming, or she could be the one with the loudest laugh, toughest-looking posture and highest seat or biggest space .

sexuAl signAls Like most other gestures, your sexual signals can all have alternative meanings, but nevertheless there are clusters of them that tend to suggest little other than sexual interest or arousal . These can range from mild flirt signals, like smiling, chest touching (your own!), self-grooming, or giggling, to the industrial-strength types like pupil dilation, lip licking, spine arching, and so on .

sexuAl PoweR signAls All sexual couples have a unique power balance and maintaining that balance can be vital for the health and duration of that relationship . A lot depends on the 86 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

complementary nature of this balance, but even this is more complex than it sounds . Let's say one side has areas of dominance over the other . In this scenario the man takes nominal control socially and also dominates around the house, choosing the TV programs, sorting the finances, and doing all the heavy jobs . The female is more compliant except during sex, where she tends to be dominant . She's also very much in charge with the kids .

If this arrangement works it might work on one or both of two levels . It works on a superficial level if both parties perform the roles . This would make it complementary . If they're both happy with those roles then you're looking at sexual power heaven . But then comes a problem . Is one of those parties only performing their role because they want a quiet life? Are they really miscast? Or what if one or both change over time? If the man's only being alpha because he feels it's expected of him or the woman's only acting compliant because it decreases conflict, then that partner is going to feel suppressed for most of his or her adult life or they're going to split and go elsewhere to find a more desirable fit . Or they might stay in the relationship and have an affair that expresses their true dominance- versus-compliance nature .

The gossip columns are littered with celebrities who split with their partners because the balance of power ceased to work . As threatening as sexual affairs and spells g e S T U Re S 87

in rehab might be to a celebrity marriage, it's the status imbalance that is usually the deal-breaker .

To look at their photos and TV fly-on-the-wall programs, Victoria and David Beckham seem to be in a continual state of manageable flux status-wise . When they got engaged it was so obviously Victoria who was the bigger star, with the Spice Girls being mobbed while David walked behind in relative anonymity . Then David turned soccer hero and overcame his diffidence in front of the cameras to pose for several key advertising campaigns and fashion spreads . Victoria's career dipped and she was suddenly expected to become a camp follower . Having children probably restored the balance, but whenever there's a lull in the family producing there always seems to be news that Posh wants to reboot her career . Their body language signals seem to have evolved to cope with these huge status fluctuations . While David is always seen in the very traditional alpha role, walking in front with a serious frown and puffed chest while Victoria totters behind him looking fragile, allowing herself to be towed by David as though he's in charge of all the steering and decision-making, when they're seen working a room it's Posh's very decisive controlling hand gestures around his neck or on his shoulder that place her firmly in the driving seat . This face-saving role-share appears to work for these two . 88 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

Business PoweR signAls Most offices have two clear leaders: the man or woman with the job title that includes the word "manager" and the person everyone knows is really in charge . Being a manager is not the same as being a leader . I've met some good managers in business but very few good leaders . Leadership is all about "being" rather than "doing," and a key quality of what makes a good leader is charisma .

There are charismatic figures in most large colonies . You'll remember them at school and you'll have seen them in the workplace . They're very rarely the boss . Sometimes their job will be borderline mundane, but they'll be the ones with the natural status in your workplace group .

These are the colleagues who have alpha power signals . They exude confidence, dominate space and territory and have voice and speech patterns that make people listen when they talk .

Then there are the workers who try to impose their status by active visual displays . Lacking a natural ability to command respect, they Power Posture to the point where they either look ridiculous, like Dwight on The Office, or they become hated for being aggressive and bossy .

Throwing your weight around is a risky business, as without a compliant response the Power Posturer will lose face . This will often lead to intensified Power Posturing g e S T U Re S 89

or a kind of "do it because I said so" transaction where the only winner will be the one who doesn't have to back down .

deniAl gesTuRes These come under the heading of shooting yourself in the foot . You make your point but then you take it back by the use of a small mouth-shrug or eye-roll or shoulder-shrug of apology . It's that endearing but oh-so- fatal normative influence at work again, with your desire to be liked overruling your desire to have gravitas and make a serious impact .

Denial gestures aren't only prompted by the pressure of a lie, but they do create the impression that everything you've just said was not strictly true . You can try this one at home but only if you have a death wish: next time your partner asks you if you love him or her, say `yes' but then follow it with a swift eye-roll or shrug .

meTRonomiC gesTuRes These are those tapping, time-measuring hand, foot, or leg movements that act as your own personal metronome to either speed up or slow down your thinking and bodily movement . As a self-motivator or self-stimulator they're great because they allow you to set your own pace without even thinking about it . When you tap that pen into the 90 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

palm of your hand the odds are you're trying to egg your brain on to come up with a speedy response or idea . So far, so good . However, although this is a good tool for self-stimulation, it begins to become a bit of a liability when you perform it when someone else is speaking . Your personal metronome will look very much like a "hurry up" signal to the speaker . This will have two effects .

1 . It will make them a much worse communicator . We

don't like to be rushed; it makes us crap at anything

we're trying to do .

2 . It will make you look very rude . Even on a subcon-

scious level .

AuTonomiC signAls These are mainly stress-promoted gestures that are prompted by all the physiological and intellectual changes that stress wreaks on our bodies . Autonomics include crying, fast breathing, shaking, accelerated blink rate, and so on .

youR PeRsonAl sChool of exCellenCe The good thing about body language excellence is that there's no one stopping you from achieving it . Oh, sorry, actually there is someone standing directly in your way:

you! g e S T U Re S 91

When it comes to body language signals you are not only your own worst enemy, you are your only enemy . Why? Well, other people want you to be good . They like clear messages that are easy to understand . They're fed up with your horrible habit of scratching your nose as you speak, so they're rooting for you like a team of cheerleaders .

You, on the other hand, could be hosting as many as four inner demons who are happily capable of messing up your communications and nonverbal techniques:

I your inner heckler

I your inner animal

I your inner child

I your inner diva

yOUR InneR heckLeR When your gestures work they endorse your message, but gestures can also work against you, turning into your own Personal Heckler . Why would we want to heckle ourselves? Perhaps the word "want" is inappropriate . Usually it's something we're driven to do and are unable to stop . These gestures are also called contradictory signals . Ever find yourself telling people how pleased you are to see them or how interested you are in what they have to say, but then find your eyes flicking around the room in what's called an eye-shuffle or your fingers fiddling with your cuff or a yawn building as they speak 92 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

to you? This is your Personal Heckling system at work, shouting out: "No they're not!" Or have you ever been telling the boss that you're confident and capable enough to get that promotion while your leg starts to shake or your throat suddenly needs clearing several times? This is your Personal Heckler yelling out: "He's rubbish! Don't promote him, give him the boot!"

yOUR InneR AnImAL We've seen the power of instinctive thought . No matter how much the human animal evolves, there's always that fight-or-flight urge in all of us and it's usually the first option that presents itself . This means that when you are under pressure your body language signals are in conflict . Suppressing all that fear, anger, lust, and desire to fight is a daily battle that you think you're winning, but are you sure you've managed to delete every trace of that inner ape? Just check how many times your hands ball into fists when you get mad or you pull your own hair or wave your hands around when you get anxious .

yOUR InneR chILD Remember those pseudo-infantile remotivators? As you grow up, your body language follows suit--or does it? We like to think we leave all that thumb-sucking stuff in the stroller, but your inner child will surface in your body g e S T U Re S 93

language every time you're stressed, anxious, or missing out on something you wanted . Okay, so you probably don't stick your thumb in your mouth but I expect your self-comfort repertoire contains some form of sucking or chewing, possibly involving the end of a pen or your fingernails . And your face when you're being sulky is probably not a million miles away from the look you wore as a toddler .

When you get put under pressure or placed in a state of fear or anxiety your sympathetic nervous system and your parasympathetic nervous system get into conflict . The first prompts the fight-or-flight response and stirs you into action and the second attempts to self-calm . In situations where the threat is more in your mind than in reality, these two battling together will produce some uniquely contrasting body language signals that might look very childlike . Some will be physiological, like blushing one minute and going white the next as your blood drains, and some will be physical, like pacing about before sitting down exhausted . These can also prompt the next response, which I have called...

yOUR InneR DIVA In charge of all the attention seeking and emotional set pieces, shouting, pacing, panicking, going frantic with fear or nerves that are out of proportion to the size of 94 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

the stimulus, the inner diva is a consummate arm-waver, gesticulating like someone drowning to show intensity of feeling . The pair of you will work happily in tandem to produce a negative own goal . You feel worried or scared about a meeting, your inner diva eggs you on to fear, anxiety, or panic and before you know it you're incapable of measured, calm speech .

TAkIng cOnTROL OF yOUR InneR DemOnS

I Recognize that your responses to any scenario or transaction can

be courtesy of your inner demons . These are all natural,

instinctive voices but your "leader" voice will need

to be developed to control all these others to help

achieve your own image goals .

I now's the time to identify that leader voice . It will stand

for logic and reason . It will need to be able to take

control in any emergency and it will need to be

able to self-coach, reminding you of all you stand

to gain and everything you could lose if you allow

your child/animal/diva voices to take control .

I The name of this voice or state is "adult ."

I When you feel emotions taking over, focus on this adult state

and allow it to steer your body language . Think positively

and tell yourself to expect positive outcomes . Let

this reflect in your posture and gestures .

I Visualize your adult self . Put a face to it and even a name

to it, if it helps . See it coping in an emergency . g e S T U Re S 95

Then mimic it in your body language . Your adult

state is always confident and calm . Repeat this

mantra to encourage your body to relax: "I feel

calm, confident, and in control ."

It's easy to believe in the power of personality and impulsive behavior, and argue that if you train yourself to respond rather than react to situations and stimulus you're being fake . However you should always remember that your behavior is not your personality . It's your tool, not your master, and you use it and change it to suit your life circumstances . The human animal survives on its ability to socialize and create strategies . Working on your behaviors is vital, as is being in touch with your "adult" self . We are all several selves, not just one, and your ability to flex your behavior via your body language and impact is crucial for your development and success in life .