Chapter 32
Shyne and I got back home safely on the bus. I had praises coming from everywhere about what I had done to get my son back. My Auntie Linda even did a 360 with her attitude. The same day I got home, she went out and bought stuff for Shyne. She bought training pants, clothes, a stroller, and a car seat. I was surprised and impressed. I think she felt bad and wanted to do right by me since she knew I had found out that my uncle was still alive. I never asked her why she didn't tell me 'cause I knew my uncle would have dug in my ass if he found out I sassed her.
My day was going great. Jen had come over to sit with us for a while. She seemed just as excited about getting him back as I was.
“He is so cute with his pretty eyes.”
“I don't know where he got those green eyes from,” I commented.
“His father. Did you forget he had one?” Jen reminded.
“Yup. As soon as he forgot he got me pregnant.”
“He may come around now if he saw Shyne. Shoot, Shyne makes me want a baby. I know you're going to make me his godmother?”
“Of course. You already know that.”
“We have to go to church to make it official though. Get the baby baptized and all of that.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know.”
That last month during the summer when Jen had walked out on me, she'd decided to turn her life over to God. I should have seen it coming, the way she lectured me in the hospital. She joined a church and was in attendance every Sunday, and was even going to Bible study during the week. I was sure her mother was happy that she decided to stop running the streets. I know with me gone, it was easier for her to keep Jen on track. I was heading on Jen's path too, but I wouldn't say church EVERY Sunday. Hey, at least I was trying.
“Well, girl, it's already three thirty, and I have to be back at church by four, so I need to get my behind to the bus stop,” Jen said.
I let Shyne walk with Jen to the door.
“Bye, baby. See ya later,” she said, letting go of his hand.
“Bye, baby,” Shyne mimicked, waving.
We both fell out laughing as she opened the door to leave. Then we both stopped short as the surprise visitor greeted us at the door.
“Malik,” I stammered, stunned by his presence.
Jen stood still for a good minute. I was sure she was about to give him a good cursing out, but she didn't. She smiled cordially at him, walked down the stairs, then turned around and said, “I'll see you in school tomorrow. Don't be late!”
I half-listened to her comment as I stood in a daze, staring at Malik. I wanted to know what the hell he was doing here. I stood stiff, not inviting him in.
“Can I come in?”
“For what?”
“Desire, come on. Don't be like that, baby.”
“I ain't your baby. You can't sweet-talk me anymore, Malik. Remember, that was eighth grade. Then I got pregnant.”
He sighed. “I just wanna talk to you.”
“Talk. I'm listening.”
“Desire, please can we sit down and talk?”
I was about to tell him no, but then I took one look at Shyne and changed my mind. I decided to give him a chance to be in Shyne's life, and if he screwed that up, at least I would know I didn't stand in his way.
“Come in.”
We sat down in the living room in silence for a good few minutes as he just stared at Shyne. Either he was going to talk or get the hell out.
“You said you wanted to talk, so talk.”
“How has everything been?”
“Good.”
“Yeah, I'm holding up too.”
“I didn't ask.”
“What's the attitude for? I'm trying to make amends here.”
“Well, you ain't trying hard enough, and I haven't heard a âsorry' yet.”
“Listen, I didn't come over here to get chewed out. My mother heard about the baby, and she wants custody of him.”
“What? What baby? Not my baby.”
“Yes. That is my son that you're holding.”
I laughed. “Huh? Your son? You mean, the one you just saw today for the first time and haven't even really acknowledged?”
“Yeah, him. The one you just decided you wanted.”
No, he didn't go there.
“My son doesn't need a ho for a mother. I hear you damn near slept with everybody in BostonâRoxbury, Mattapan, Dorchester. Did you hit Cambridge yet? I bet them nuccas in New York would love some of that HIV pussy.”
I smacked Malik. “Fuck you! Get out!”
Shyne repeated after me, “
Fut u
.”
Malik surprisingly took the hit like a man and stood to his feet. “Oh, you want me to leave 'cause I'm telling the truth.”
“I got the shit from you, muthafucka. You gave me this shit! This shit that I can't get rid of,” I said in a fit of rage, releasing an unknown demon from its locked box. I picked up a pillow and threw it at him. Then I charged at him. “Fuck you! Go to hell! This is all your fault anyway!”
Shyne ran behind me. “
Fut u
.”
Malik grabbed me by my shoulders. “Why you think I told you I didn't want that baby? It was because I knew he would have it too. And God forbid he gives it to someone else, like I did to you.”
I jerked him off of me and spat in his face.
He wiped the spit and smirked. “You better watch your back, Desire. That's all I'm saying.”
He walked out the door, and I slammed it behind him. He had definitely opened up some old wounds, wounds that never healed, and now I was wondering if they ever would.
I knew I shouldn't have let him in. Damn it! I knew it.
Chapter 33
“Yo, ma, how many hoes like you do you think I can give HIV to?”
“You can't do that, Shyne. It's not right. I've been there before.”
“I don't give a fuck where you've been, bitch. You better talk to me with some respect. Remember, I'm the man of this house.”
Shyne jumped at Desire and made her flinch. It wouldn't be the first time he hit her and definitely not the last. Between the mental and physical abuse, Desire had another man in her life who she let walk all over her.
“Clean up this gotdam house, and when I get back, dinner better be ready.”
He sounded so much like his father Malik, not to mention being his spitting image. Shyne definitely had Desire scared for her life. She had given birth to the devil himself.
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“Desire! Desire! Get up! Shyne's crying.”
I woke up in a cold sweat. I gazed around the room frantically, not really understanding what was going on, until my aunt handed me Shyne, who was screaming his head off. I just looked at him.
“Rock him or something, Desire! Don't just stare at him,” Auntie Linda shouted as she marched out of the room.
I became somewhat alert, rocking Shyne to quietness.
After he had calmed down, he lay there silent with his eyes wide open. My eyes locked with his, and I saw it all over again. I was in a trance. It was a picture of the devil in his eyes. Tears streamed down my face. It couldn't be true. My son was no devil. I had to be just dreaming. I pinched myself and realized this was no dream. I was wide-awake, staring at the devil in my son's eyes.
Then the devil disappeared. He faded away as Shyne closed his eyes. My fears were at ease now. He looked innocent again, like he always did.
I was able to lie back down and go to sleep. I had Shyne snuggled up right beside me too. I fell back into a deep sleep.
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“Mommy, I'm going to be a ho just like you when I grow up, giving HIV to every girl in the city. Daddy told me I was going to be like you. Where is my daddy anyway? Do you remember my daddy? Do you know my daddy? How many people did you give HIV to? Was it fun?”
I tossed and turned, sweating, unable to wake up.
“Hi . . . Miss Jones . . . Your son . . . gave me . . . HIV!”
“My son didn't give you anything.”
“Yes, he did. He gave it to me.”
“He gave it to me too.”
“And me.”
“Hi . . . Miss Jones . . . I'm Lisa . . . Your son . . . gave me . . . HIV.”
“Hi . . . Miss Jones . . . I'm Tasha . . . Your son . . . gave me . . . HIV.”
“Hi . . . Miss Jones . . . I'm Tara . . . Your son . . . gave me . . . HIV.”
“Hi . . . Miss Jones . . . I'm Keisha . . . Your son . . . gave me . . . HIV.”
“Hi . . . Miss Jones . . . I'm Jessica . . . Your son . . . gave me . . . HIV. I told my father . . . He's a cop.”
“That boy of yours is the devil, and he needs to get his ass out of Boston before I kill 'im.”
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Startled from the loudness of my alarm clock, I woke up from my nightmare, my clothes drenched from sweat. Shyne was wide-awake beside me, eyes wide open. His green eyes looked red to me.
I did give birth to the devil. I had to get rid of him. He couldn't grow up to do what I did. I saw it in his eyes. He was going to be just like me. I couldn't have that happen.
I looked at him one more time, and his eye color didn't change. They were bloodshot red. I stared and became hypnotized.
Why you think I didn't want to have this baby? I knew he would get it too. Desire, your test results came back positive. You are HIV positive. If you're pregnant, the baby will have it too. Desire, go get that boy and take care of what's yours. Your test results came back positive. You have HIV. Get rid of that boy. He is the devil. You are HIV positive. Your baby has it too. I knew he would get it too. That's why I didn't want him.
I hit my head trying to stop the voices I was hearing as I kept my eyes on Shyne. A river flowed from my eyes, and there was only one thing left to do. I contemplated on how I was going to kill Shyne without him feeling any pain.
Strangling? Nah, I couldn't stand to see his face turn purple. Maybe I could overdose him on pills, but how would he swallow? He's just a baby. I could shake him to death. Nah, 'cause I would still have to look at him. What if I suffocate him? Yeah, that could work because I wouldn't have to look at his face and he wouldn't suffer much, besides not being able to breathe. That's it!
I had to keep replaying in my mind that this was something I had to do. My son had to die. He couldn't go around giving people HIV like I did. I couldn't let him live to do that. Auntie Linda had already gone for the day, so no one could stop me from doing what I was destined to do. I didn't have those dreams and thoughts for no reason.
I took Shyne downstairs and laid him on the couch, as he had fallen back asleep. I looked at him. He wasn't innocent anymore. The bull's-eye was still there with his eyes closed.
My eyes watered as I thought about what I was going to do. I started shaking and breathing heavy. Tears hit my cheek, and my vision blurred.
Just as I grabbed the pillow next to me and placed it over Shyne's face, the phone rang, startling me. I picked up the receiver without saying a word.
“Hello”
“Hello,” I answered back, sniffling.
“Desire, what's wrong? Why you ain't in school? Why's the baby crying? Is everything okay?”
“I have to do this, you know. He can't do like I did. Malik was right.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I'm talking about me, Jen. Me . . . me and my baby. We have it. We have it . . . and I have to kill 'im before, before heâ”
“Kill what? Desire, no. Wait. I'm coming over.”
“No! Don't come here!”
“Is your aunt there?”
“No.”
“Okay, wait. Just listen to me. Everything is going to be okay. Just tell me what's wrong.”
“He's gonna be a whore like his mother.”
“Desire, stop it! You know you are better than that. And Shyne is just a baby, an innocent baby.”
I had to give it to Jen for trying, but she wasn't going to change my mind. She didn't even know what I knew about my son. I sat on the phone listening to her, looking at the pillow still covering the baby. Then I heard a loud boom in the house. I didn't know what it was.
“Desire, what was that?”
Then this guy appeared out of nowhere and grabbed me by my neck. “Here you are, bitch! You gave me fucking HIV!”
“Desire, what's going on?”
I dropped the phone.
I had no idea who this man was or where he had come from. I had slept with so many people, I couldn't recall his face. I couldn't really get a good glimpse at him either. He came at me so fast. I had no time to do anything but curl up into a ball.
I lay there as he punched me with his large hands that felt like brass. He battered me until I could no longer see or move, but I had enough energy to talk.
“Kill the baby. I'll take care of me.”
“No! I'm taking care of you, bitch!”
He picked me up like rag doll and threw me across the room, slamming me into the glass trophy case. Glass shattered everywhere, cutting me up all over.
I was still able to talk though. I was determined to get him to finish what I'd started. “Kill my son! He has it too. Kill him! I'll take care of me!”
“You still talking?” The intruder picked up a trophy off the floor and bashed my head with it.
Just as he did that, the police rushed in. Jen followed right behind them. Then all you heard was Jen's scream.
The intruder hit me again. Jen wailed louder.
The police tackled the guy.
“Oh my God! Desire!”
“Young lady, get back,” the officer yelled to Jen, while his partner was reading the assailant his rights and placing him under arrest.
The guy didn't resist, but he kept screaming, “The bitch gave me HIV! She deserved what I did to her! I can't believe that bitch gave me HIV!”
Jen, ignoring the officer, came over to me in tears. She was in “blood territory.”
“Oh, Desire, why? Why is this happening to you?” Jen cried desperately.
“Kill . . . kill the baby . . . ” I slurred, whispering, not fully conscious.
“I'll get the baby. Don't worry!”
“Noooo . . . he . . . ”
“Miss, please get back and let the paramedics through.”
“But that's my best friend. Why did he do this to her? She didn't give him anything. He's lying! He's crazy! She doesn't have HIV. He doesn't know what he's talking about. She's only sixteen. I can't lose my best friend! I can't!”
“Miss, calm down. Hey, Chris, get the baby and make sure he's not hurt.”
“He's fine, and I'm calling Social Services.”
“No, no! Don't call Social Services! This is my baby!”
More officers rushed in. I hear mentions of blood, young girl, baby, tried to kill her. I could no longer keep my eyes open. I fell unconscious. This was the end of my journey. I could feel it.