I made little to no friends. I wasn't really trying to become acquainted with anyone anyway. Their attitudes were wishy-washy, and I was good with the fakeness. I mean, I taunted them sometimes, and they tried their hardest to get at me. I ain't gonna front, most of the time they succeeded. It got so bad that staff had to alternate patrolling near my bed to make sure no one came near me.
I was handling mine though, but when you got five overgrown females jumping on you, it's not so easy. These girls were ruthless, and I was getting tired of having to protect myself, especially since the damn staff weren't doing all they could. Forget guarding my bed at night. How about during the day when everyone, especially Tameka, wanted to beat me?
I did run away a couple of times, but every time I managed to escape, I got caught. And each time they dragged my stupid behind right back to the hole. Shoot, I saw the hole so much, it became my new getaway spot. I mean, I wasn't able to write, play games, or what have you, but I was able to be alone. And I was starting to be more at peace with my situation being in the hole. I didn't have to worry about anyone bothering me, I didn't have to wake up early to do clean up, and my days in this hellhole will go by quicker. All I had to do was keep getting in trouble.
I woke up the next morning ready to execute my plan. We were doing our morning run, and I had my eye on Cindy. I was about to make her fall to her face. I waited for her to get closer to me, and I stuck my leg out.
Bam!
She fell on her face, and I kicked her while she was down. She didn't even fight back. What a waste!
A worker intervened and hemmed me up. She brought me straight to the hole.
See, this is a piece of cake.
I go inside and uncomfortably fell asleep.
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“Hey, hey, Miss Jones, wake up. Your hour is up.”
I hold my head up. “My hour?”
“Yeah, your hour. We're being nice today.”
They picked a fine time to be nice
.
Dang! Now I have to do something else to stay in the joint?
I got up as if I was following instructions and spat in the worker's face.
She hauled off and smacked me.
Damn! That stung like a bitch!
The worker then hemmed me up and threw me into the wall. “Ain't no being nice to you. Good luck!”
I watched her as she walked out. Now I was good, and it was back to sleep.
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I was laid up in the hole for three days straight. My body was stiff. My stomach was growling, as I didn't bother to eat any meals served. And I needed a shower badly, but believe it or not, I was contented with being funky because no one bothered me. I can't express enough how much I was at peace. I didn't feel the need to want to hurt anyone.
But I was supposed to be on a mission.
No, this can't be happening. Being in the hole is making me feel like there is no outside world, as if I'm all alone. How 'bout that? I don't need to hurt anyone because no one's hurting me. There is a God.
I smiled, deep in thought, while the doors to the dungeon opened. Gina walked in. I knew that meant it was time to leave.
“Can I just stay in here?”
Gina closed the door behind her. “What person in their right mind would want to stay in here after already being in here for three days?”
“Me.”
“Ooh, I get it. You don't wanna be bothered. You think if you keep it low-profile in here all day and night that you can't be touched. The staff can't bother you, the girls won't be at you, and you won't have to get up early and participate in activities. Huh, I got your number.”
“No, I just like being by myself.”
“Oh, do you?”
“Yeah.”
“We'll see about that.”
“I find peace here,” I whispered.
“This is not a place for peace. It's a place of discipline for knuckleheads like you.”
“Well, I like it.”
“Hmm, I'm sure you do,” Gina said as she caresses my face. “I'm on to you, Desire. You ain't fooling nobody. You think you gonna miss out on getting up early, cleaning, and running by sitting in here running your time down. Huh, clever, but I'm on to you.”
I grew timid, feeling a bit violated in my comfort zone.
“Play your game. You'll learn sooner or later. Come on, let's go. You got seven minutes to shower.”
I made my way to the shower, and the entire time Gina watched me. I felt uncomfortable, but I had no other choice. I had to do the do in front of the boss.
Once I was finished, I was ushered to my bed. After I threw on some clothes, Gina ushered me out of the room to separate sleeping quarters. The room was filled with spare beds, a bookshelf, and wooden cabins.
“You'll be sleeping in here alone tonight,” she said.
Not really caring as long as I was alone, I went along with it. I lay down on my back and closed my eyes.
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Deep into a sleep, I feel myself being carried. I opened to discover I was being carried by three people. I couldn't see well, but from what I heard, I knew Gina was one of them. Then they just dropped me on the floor like a hot potato, and my elbow slammed into the cement floor. “Ow!”
“Yeah, that's just the beginning of your love for the hole,” Gina yelled.
As my vision improved, I spotted three unknown women with Gina. They rushed over to me, scooped me up by my arms and legs, and threw me up on the bed.
“Hold that bitch down.”
I struggled to get loose. “Get off me!” I cried, fearing for my life.
“Nah, nah. Ain't this where you wanna be, baby girl? Huh? Didn't you say you like it here? Your exact words were âI find peace here.' Ain't that right, shawty? I'm just tryin'a spice it up for you.” Gina pulled a knife out of her pocket.
Noticing the blade, my face lit up, and I screamed.
“Hey, shut that noise up! Cover her mouth. Here, take this. I don't wanna hear that shit.” Gina took off one of her socks, and one of the girls jammed it in my mouth, causing me to gag. “You scared, baby girl? Awwww, don't be scared. I'm just going to proceed with cutting your clothes off.”
“Mmmmm! Mmmmm!”
One of the girls laughed. “Damn! She still tryin'-a be heard.”
Gina began to cut my shirt off. “Hope I don't slice a nipple,” she joked.
I cried, scared for my life, while Gina cut until she could cut no more. Then she ripped the rest of my clothes off, leaving me naked.
“Oh, look at that body,” she chanted. “I'm ready to get me some.”
I panicked and began to fight harder, but the harder I fought, the more energy I lost. I cried, helpless, as Gina fondled me.
She even went so far as to take off her own pants and underwear, jump on top of the twin-sized bed with her legs spread open, and rub her genitals in my face. “Take that, take that, yeah, yeah!”
I moved my head from side to side, trying to avoid coming in contact with Gina's raunchy-smelling private parts.
“Keep this bitch's head still!” she commanded.
One girl let go of one of my legs, while the other took over both.
Tracey grabbed a hold of my face and positioned it still by gripping my jaws. I cried hysterically while Gina sat her coochie in my face.
“Y'all ready for the magic trick?” she said.
“Yeah,” they all answered in unison.
I wondered what the hell the magic trick was, and lo and behold, Gina shoved a bottle with a condom on it into my vagina.
I screamed for dear life with no one to hear my cry.
The gang rape went on for about another twenty minutes, but it seemed like forever. Each girl took turns rubbing their privates against mine. I thought I was on the verge of dying. I lost control of myself, and after an endless struggle, I fell into a daze, damn near passing out.
“Desire, ooh, Desire,” Gina called pleasantly. “Desire.”
She got no answer.
“Desire!” she yelled, slapping me.
“She dead?” Tracey asked.
“I don't know.”
“Desire, Desire!” Gina screamed. “Oh shit!”
“What? What?”
“She's bleeding.”
“Damn! What are we going to do?”
“Let's dump her outside.”
“And then do what?”
“Get her in the morning and make it seem like she ran away or something. I don't know. Just help me get her up.”
“Wait. How we gonna take her out? Ms. Tanner is guarding tonight, and you ain't even supposed to be in the building, Gina,” Sheila said.
“I know. I know. Shit. Okay, wait, I'm thinking. I'm thinking.”
“Well, hurry up. Shit!”
“You the third head bitch in charge. You should be thinking too,” Gina told Sheila.
“Let's all just put our heads together,” Alex suggested.
“I got an idea,” Gina announced. “Just gimme a second.”
“Ah, Gina,” Tracey called out.
“What? What? I'm tryin'a get it together here.”
Tracey told her, “I think we have a bigger problem.”
“What?”
“I think she's dead. I don't feel a pulse.”
Chapter 27
I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn't. I saw nothing but darkness from the back of my eyelids. How can a female be raped by another female? I didn't think it was possible. Being hit by my aunt or even being teased by the kids at school couldn't compare to the abuse I had just endured.
I woke up to find myself fully clothed on a nice, neatly made up twin bed, the same bed I had originally started my night in. I looked around and noticed I was alone. I lay there with blank patches in my mind as to how I got back in this room, and wondered if I had ever left. Since I had been barely conscious, I couldn't remember much of what happened after being raped. I closed my eyes and instantly got a flashback of being held down against my will.
Am I dreaming?
I sat up slowly, trying to come to my senses, and wanted to scream. My entire body was aching as if I had lifted weights three times my own. I wasn't dreaming. Something did happen to me. I moved to put my feet on the floor, and my vagina throbbed. I felt myself down there, and instantly another flashback hit me. I was gang-raped by four women, four grown-ass women.
I sat there in a daze again, and tears flowed down my cheeks.
Why is this happening to me?
Oh, the pain!
I don't deserve this.
I cried even harder, catching more flashbacks.
Suddenly, I lost it and became hysterical. My legs started shaking, and my mouth quivered. Then I stood up and continuously pounded my fist on the bed. I started ransacking the room, tearing the sheets off and kicking the bed. It was like my pain just disappeared, because I couldn't feel it. It was gone, hopefully never to return. Then instantly it did.
She walked in the door, the Tracey girl. I remembered her, but by the look on her face, she thought I didn't. Oh, I remembered her, and I saw the images very clearly now.
I held my head in the palm of my hand. “No, no! Go away! Go away! Nooooooo! Stoppppppppppp!” I yelled, seeing vivid pictures of that night's vile episode.
Tracey came over to me and snatched me up by the arms. “Calm down, kid!”
Her touch was evil. She triggered something inside of me, and I went haywire on her.
“Hey, hey, we got a loose one in here,” Tracey yelled, unable to restrain me.
The security guard along with Gina and other staff rushed in.
“Take her out. Take her to the hole.”
When I heard
hole
, I went berserk. I kicked, scratched, spat, and punched. The hole was a place of bad memories. Memories I wanted to forget and leave behind.
“I ain't going to that place. No, not anymore. I hate you! I hate you, Gina!”
The director, Ms. Tanner, rushed in to the call for help.
“Get these fuckers off of me! I don't want to go back in that place. She'll do it again. I know she will.”
Tracey tried to cover my mouth to prevent me from talking, but I bit the hell out of her palm.
“Wait, hold on here. Hold on just a minute,” Ms. Tanner said.
Tracey tried to keep a hold on me while the other staff listened to Ms. Tanner's command.
“Tracey, did you hear me? I said cool it.”
Tracey released her grip on me, and I hit the floor.
Ms. Tanner bent down to my level with a concerned look on her face. “Please remain calm. We are not here to hurt you.”
I stared at this lady like she was crazy. I wanted to say, “Too late,” but I couldn't get the words out. I just lost energy instantly. My mouth wouldn't move, my voice wouldn't speak, and my body said it didn't want me to fight anymore.
“Are you all right?”
I didn't answer. I sat on my ass like a mental patient medicated with a sedative, staring at the floor.
“That's fine. You don't have to talk. Here, let me help you up.”
I let her assist me to my feet.
Tracey watched with an evil warning stare. “You want me to take her now?” Tracey persisted.
“No, no. Go ahead and attend to the cafeteria. I got this.”
Ms. Tanner took me to her office and ordered lunch for the both of us. She ordered me some slammin' whole fried chicken wings, onion rings, and French fries. I was in heaven with this meal. I chomped it down like a junkie getting a quick fix after being sober for two years. She watched me as I ate. I had no shame in my game. I was hungry, and furthermore, it kept my mind off the terrible abuse I'd suffered.
“You are very hungry, I see.”
“Mmm-hmm,” I answered, unable to talk with a full mouth.
“Well, eat up. That's what it's here for.”
I nodded in agreement.
“While I have you in a good mood, I'm going to talk to you, ask you a few questions.”
I slowed down with the eating, and my face grew weary.
“No, please continue eating. I'm only here to help you. For now, I'll ask yes or no questions. If you don't feel like answering the questions, you can just ignore me and say nothing.”
“Your full name is Desire Jones, correct?”
I nodded my head up and down.
“You will be turning sixteen years old soon, correct?”
Having forgotten my age, I had to think about it, then acknowledged by nodding my head again.
“Do you have many friends here?”
I shook my head no.
“Do you like it here?”
Again, I shook my head from side to side and stopped eating. I froze for a moment knowing these questions were leading to an event I wanted to forget. I no longer had the urge to pig out, and my hunger pangs came to an end.
“No need to stop enjoying your meal. Eat up.”
I ignored her comment and wiped my greasy hands on a napkin.
“Have you ever gotten into a fight here before?”
I nodded my head yes.
“Have you ever started a fight before?”
Again, I nodded my head yes.
“Are there any people here you want to be friends with?”
Unsure, I shrugged my shoulders.
“Do you get along with the staff here?”
I ignored the question.
“Are you on medication?”
I shook my head no.
“Do you like the staff?”
I began to tremble, and my eyes teared up. I thought about it again. The pain struck me all over.
“Desire, what is it?”
I closed my eyes and wished the memory would go away.
“Desire, please talk to me.”
I wanted to do what she asked, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. Then, when I opened my eyes, I saw Gina. I jumped back in my chair, and it tilted backwards.
“Desire, oh!” Ms. Tanner yelled as she tried to save me from falling backwards in the chair.
I hit the floor, fell on my elbow, and just lay there for a second in pain.
“Desire, are you all right? Oh goodness!” Ms. Tanner lifted me to my feet.
“Ow! Ouch!”
“What? What's wrong?” Ms. Tanner brought me to my feet and sat me back in the chair. “Your arm hurts too?”
Before I could answer, she rolled up my sleeve. She noticed the rings around my wrists. She examined my other arm and noticed the same thing.
“What is this from? Did somebodyâ”
“Ms. Tanner, yo, they need you. Lisa said two girls ran away,” Tracey blurted out, bursting into the office.
“Okay, but I'd appreciate it if you knock on my door and not just barge in.”
“Sorry, it was an emergency.”
“Indeed it is, but you still need to knock. I'll be with you all in a moment.”
Tracey stood there and stared at me for a good five seconds before she walked out.
“Excuse me, Desire. I'm sorry for the interruption. Did somebodyâ”
“Gina did it.”
“Gina . . . Gina from here?”
I nodded my head up and down.
“Okay, Desire, now I have had situations where people were accidentally mishandled, or even roughed up more than they should have been, but that's it, nothing more than that. Furthermore, no one here has ever lied to me.”
I put my head down.
“She picked me up in the middle of the night, she took all my clothes off, and she touched me while she had the other people hold me down.” I stopped and wiped my tears, wanting to get it all out. I was not going to be made out a liar.
“It's okay. Take your time.”
I replayed the scene from beginning to end in my mind, but giving full details was just too painful. I just wished she could see the picture in my mind.
“Gina raped me. They all raped me. And Tracey was one. She helped.”
“Desire, now, understand what you're saying to me. This is serious.”
“I understand clearly,” I shouted, finally finding my voice.
“They tortured me. They put their stuff in my face, and they put a sock in my mouth. I was on that nasty bed in the hole, and when they cut my clothes off, I thought I wasâ”
There was a knock at the door.
“Stop. It's okay. You don't have to tell me any more.”
I sat there, both hands covering my face, catching every tear that fell. “I want to go home. Anywhere but here. This place is . . . I hate it here.”
“Desire, I can only imagine how you feel right now. And no, of course this place is not supposed to be Disney World, but it shouldn't be the combat zone either. I need to look into this right now. I want you to remain here in my office for a while. Feel free to get acquainted with the couch over there. I need to run out for a second, but I'll be back. I will be locking my office, so if someone knocks, don't worry. They'll just go away. I'm the only one with a key, so if you hear the door opening, don't be startled. It will only be me.”
“Okay.”
“Are you going to be all right?”
“Yes,” I answered sadly.
“Fine. I'll be back in a bit. And, just to let you know, I don't usually let detainees stay in my office, but I sympathize with you. Try to get some rest.”
After she walked out of the door, I wasted no time getting comfortable on the sofa. There was a blanket and pillow there waiting too. I stretched out on my back and stared at the ceiling. I couldn't believe I had just told the director what had happened to me. What was going to happen to me now that I'd dimed out Tracey and Gina?
Fear set in, and tears rolled from the corners of my eyes. I closed my eyes, and vivid pictures appeared. This time it wasn't Gina's face, but Jay's, Jen's brother. I grabbed a hold of my private area and tossed and turned while seeing his face. I could feel him breathing on me. Then I got a whiff of Gina's polluted-smelling coochie.
I sat up, beating my head, trying to get the thought out of my mind, but I couldn't. I fell to my knees and prayed for a new brain, a new vision, and a new me. Then
poof!
and the memory was gone. Just like that.
I sat there repositioning myself to sit on my butt with my back against the couch. I laid my head back and dozed off right there.
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“Sleeping your life away?” someone yelled.
I woke up as I felt a pillow hit my face. I lifted my head to an upright position and saw Tracey and Ms. Tanner standing in front of me. Something didn't feel right.
“I don't like liars, Miss Jones, and I don't like you because you're a liar.”
I looked at Ms. Tanner like she had lost her mind.
“How dare you lie to my face about something so explicit and raw? Mmm-hmm, I investigated your so-called rape.”
I looked at Tracey, who had a smirk on her face.
“I believed that you were raped, bruised up, and mistreated by my staff, but before I jumped the gun, Tracey informed me that you're one of our frequent self-destructors. You tend to abuse yourself and blame other people.”
I looked at her confused.
“It's all in your file. I don't know how I missed it. Frankly, it doesn't matter at this point because I know now, and that's that. Get your things. Tracey will escort you out. It's up to her what disciplinary action will be taken.”
I sat there not able to move, trying to understand what the hell she was talking about.
My file? Self-destruction?
“Oh, and by the way, Gina was off last night. Funny how she was a part of your lie too.”