Teaching Kids to Think (5 page)

The Guilt Trap

Parents don't want to be the reason for their child's unhappiness. When parents believe they are the reason their child is upset, they are more likely to feel guilty and fall into the trap of giving in without their children doing their part.

Most children attempt to goad their parents into doing things for them. This is developmentally typical and normal, and often, these attempts work. A child may ask in a very sweet way, “Mom, please, please, please. Can you get me that doll?” A child may wear their parents down with repetitive requests or tantrums when they don't get a positive response the first time. Or a child may use a plea that provokes feelings of guilt from the parent, such as, “I really want to get a good grade in that class, but if you don't bring me the paper and I turn it in late, it will be impossible.” The table quickly turns, making the parent responsible for providing the solution. Fixing the problem alleviates the guilt and makes peace with the child, but is it ever really just once?

Parents often question their decisions because they feel guilty about causing their child's unhappiness. When parents set limits, they risk their child being angry at them. It can cause arguments in the home and their child telling them, “I hate you,” “You don't understand,” or “You ruined my life.” While this is developmentally typical, what parent wants to invite this negativity into the home? Thus parents fall into the trap of giving in to their child's demands, which might seem to solve the problem in the short term but has long-term consequences.

Sometimes Busy Parents Try to Fill the Void

There's no doubt about it: today's parents are extremely busy. There are also more families with two parents working full-time. A very common phenomenon that we see is parents give in to their children because they feel guilty about not being more available. Parents communicate to us that they feel guilty about not being there during the day for school activities, playdates, and the like. Therefore, they are more likely to rescue their children or provide them with expensive material things when they haven't really earned the privilege. It could be as simple as making a specific meal because their child tells (not asks) them to, or it could be buying them the latest technological gadget.

Busy parents may also be more likely to provide their children answers to problems or dilemmas right away rather than assisting them in learning how to solve the problem on their own because it feels good to provide comfort and see the relief on the child's face. Consider the child who says, “Mom, I didn't like what you packed me for lunch, so I didn't eat it and now I am really hungry. We need to stop and get food on the way home.” For many of us, this touches the guilt button.
My child skipped lunch and now doesn't feel good because I didn't pack food she likes.
To ease the child's discomfort and the parent's guilt, it would be easy to stop and get food on the way home. However, this response supports instant gratification and makes it the parent's problem. Another response is to say, “You can make yourself something to eat when we get home. If you would like other food in your lunch, come talk to me about it and we can choose some different things.” This response teaches the child to take responsibility for self-care (sometimes you have to eat things you don't love because they are good for you and your body needs it), independence (making his or her own snack), and planning (for future lunches).

Identify and Avoid Parent Traps

Remember, it is a child's job to test limits and find ways to meet his or her desires. It is the job of parents and educators to set the limits and guide children with responsible ways to achieve their wishes. Now that you know what the traps are, the next step is identifying when you fall in them. It is important for parents to know when there is a risk of giving rather than teaching. Here are some questions to ask yourself to find out if you have fallen into a parenting trap:

Once the trap or traps are identified, the next step is to avoid them and be prepared for what comes next. You know your child is not going to be happy about being told no or having to work hard to fix a problem on his own. When a child brings you a problem, remember, your child is likely feeling very anxious about it. Your child is looking to ease that anxiety. Instead of fixing the problem, your role is to provide gentle guidance and allow your child to consider possible solutions on his own.

In this chapter we identified five significant traps that often impact parenting. After introducing the traps, we provided age-appropriate suggestions for self-awareness and parenting behaviors. In the following chapters you will see these traps again, but in the context of various common situations that parents routinely face.

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Missed Opportunities When Parents Rescue Their Children

Every year our children are asked to participate in a fund-raiser at school. To entice the kids to sell more merchandise the school offers incentives like, “If you sell ten magazines you can attend a pizza party on Friday,” or “If you sell twenty rolls of wrapping paper you will get to play video games in the Game Truck after lunch next week.” We routinely hear from parents that they don't want their children to miss out on the pizza party or the video games because they want to go and all of their friends are going. This quickly evolves into parents being more invested in their child meeting the goal. They remind them often to go talk to neighbors or call family members. Yet if the child doesn't follow through, the parents jump in to rescue their child from feeling disappointed about a missed reward—for example, by asking their friends and coworkers to buy merchandise if their child didn't sell enough. In this way, the child will be rewarded for minimal independent effort.

—Dr. Darlene and Dr. Ron

One of the most common mistakes that parents make is failing to recognize the difference between supporting their children and rescuing them. When a parent rescues his children from a conflict, he is “doing” it for them. In the previous chapter, we identified this as the rescue trap. By contrast, when parents support their child in solving the problem independently, parents are “encouraging” the process of critical thinking and tolerance. The child is using problem-solving, planning, and social skills while at the same time learning to tolerate the discomfort that comes from not feeling sure about the resolution. This process is essential practice for developing children and teenagers, and it is lost when they are rescued.

Anxiety as a Healthy Emotion

Anxiety
is a state of uneasiness and apprehension about future uncertainties. In other words, anxiety occurs when a person does not know what will happen. Parents know that life is full of uncertainty. We cannot change that for ourselves or for our children. What we can do is prepare our children for how to deal calmly with life's uncertainties.

One week, I received calls from three separate families wanting therapy for a child who was feeling anxious and beginning to avoid activities. One wanted to stay home from school because she was afraid to talk to her teacher about missing an assignment; one wanted to come home from school because he was nervous about talking to longtime friends at lunch after a misunderstanding the day before; and one wanted to quit soccer and avoid practice because she didn't think the other players thought she was good enough.

—Dr. Darlene

Many teens come into our office because they are feeling anxious, and they cope with this feeling by using avoidance tactics. The causes of anxiety among teens vary, but the overarching theme is that teens have had very little experience facing challenges without a parent to rescue them. Time and time again, we hear about teens who have expressed anxiety to their parents, only for their parents to ease their discomfort by solving the problem for them. In doing so, teens fail to realize that anxiety is temporary and that resolving the problem on their own could actually decrease their anxiety. Instead, they learn a false sense of security that everything will work out, because their moms or dads will always be there to save them. Teenagers who have never had the opportunity to practice problem solving on their own are at a huge disadvantage when they make a teenage-sized mistake that their parents can't protect them from. For example, we often have parents share with us that they can't believe their teenager was pulled over by the police for being out after curfew or being caught with friends who were drinking. These same teenagers were driven to school every day, their only social activities were organized by adults, and they were so busy there was no time for chores or family responsibilities. Their parents then expect them to make good choices when they had no chance for practice in doing so before. We know it is difficult to let children have the freedom to mess some things up, but allowing it when they are younger prepares them for the choices they will need to make later on.

A parent's motivation for attempting to rescue their child typically stems from the parent's own anxiety and a sense of protectiveness. We all want to prevent our children from having a negative experience, especially when we have the power or knowledge to fix it. Yet one of the best gifts you can give your children is teaching them not to fear uncertainty. Your children will gain self-confidence in knowing they have the ability to deal with whatever circumstance comes their way. It can be as simple as letting your child go to the restroom by himself in a familiar restaurant. It's possible that he might get lost on the way back to the table, so he may feel anxious. But after walking around looking for you, or even asking a staff member for directions, he will probably make it back to the table with the realization that he has the power to solve his own problems. Another option is to give your children two or three items to retrieve for you at a familiar grocery store on their own. This type of solo experience increases children's self-confidence, pride, and sense of responsibility. While some parents may feel wary about this level of independence and might think, “What if he gets lost?” we say, “In this safe environment, I hope he gets lost so he can figure out what to do.”