Teaching Kids to Think (4 page)
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Authors: Darlene Sweetland
When parents provide things for their children immediately, it denies children the opportunity to learn how to meet their needs on their own. They never develop the skills or comfort to care for themselves. In addition, it is not realistic for people to expect all things to come quickly just because they want them right away. Therefore, developing this expectation in children can only lead to dissatisfaction.
Even Toddlers Can Learn to Wait
Children as young as nine months old can begin to learn the lesson of waiting. The younger the child, the more fun the waiting should be, but the lesson is the same. The following games can teach young children how to take turns and gain patience.
Nine to Twelve Months
Play a game, for example, by dropping blocks in a toy, making sounds, or rolling a ball back and forth. Before you take your turn each time, say, “One, two, threeâ¦,” and then wait two to three seconds with an expectant look to keep the baby engaged, and then take your turn.
Twelve to Eighteen Months
Play the same game described for the younger baby but extend the wait time to five seconds.
Eighteen Months to Two and a Half Years
When your child wants something, you can introduce the verbal request to wait, but the waiting time will be very short. For example, if your child reaches up and says, “Up,” you can say, “OK, wait for two seconds” then count to two and pick your child up.
Three Years and Older
As children get older, the verbal expectation for them to wait can be more direct. For example, you may say to a three-and-a-half-year-old child, “OK, let's wait and count to ten” or “OK, I can do that when I put these three groceries away.” Kids can very quickly grow wary of the phrase “in a minute,” so it is best to choose another way to show them the time to wait.
There will be times when you won't be able to use these strategies. If you have a screaming toddler who has not had a nap, it would not be a good time to practice waiting. That is OK. Introduce these as games and when the child is in a playful mood. Then when you really need him to wait, he will be more comfortable doing so.
The Pressure Trap
Parents feel proud sharing their children's accomplishments. They also worry about their children and are more confident if they feel they are ahead of the competition. This makes parents vulnerable to pushing them too fast.
In today's culture of raising children, there is a lot of pressure to provide children every advantage to get ahead. Parents are concerned that if they don't, their children will be left behind academically, developmentally, athletically, or socially. Parents work to help their children to be at the top of the class, to be the best player on a team, and to have the most friends. Parents want their children to feel confident and good about themselves, so they encourage extra enrichment to push them ahead. For example, if they are not at the top levels, children receive tutoring to move them higher in the class, and young athletes receive individual coaching to become the best player on the team. Parents may even plan elaborate events such as expensive birthday parties so that kids will want to be their children's friends. But what if these expectations do not fit with the abilities, desires, or personality of the child? The expectation to excel at everything often pushes children to perform past their typical developmental capability in at least some areas, because no child can be in the top levels of everything. The result is that very often the child is not going to be able to meet her parents' expectations. This can lead to disappointment on the part of the parents and feelings of failure on the part of the child.
It is typically not the parents' intention to communicate to their children that they need to be the best at everything, but look how it happens so easily:
Mary is a good student (B+/Aâ), has played piano for five years, and is the catcher for the softball team. When she brings home a report card or test, her parents talk with her about her grade and how she can pull her B+ up to an A. One weekend, there is a piano recital and her parents point out that there is a boy three years younger who is playing a more difficult piece, more out of amazement at his skill, not trying to make Mary feel bad. Then, at her next softball game, she makes two errors at the plate, resulting in the other team earning two runs. Her coach talks to her about some extra catching practice the following week.
âDr. Darlene and Dr. Ron
Often children and teens talk with us about the pressure they feel from the different adults in their lives. It is an alluring trap for parents to push their children ahead and “give” their children all the advantages. Their intention is to help their children to be their best. While they want to offer their children support, the message is interpreted as “You are not good enough, and you need to be better.” We see a clear relationship between the pressure that parents put onto their children and the pressure they must feel to be perfect parents themselves.
The Pressure Parents Feel
Parents feel pressure from very early on to provide their children with all the early advantages. Whether it is the push to teach their child to read as a toddler or begin music lessons before they can walk, they hear about all the new and innovative programs that other parents are introducing to their children and begin to question whether they are doing all they can for their own children. This begins the pattern of questioning their parenting philosophies. What may have begun as, “I just want my child to be happy,” “I want them to develop their own interests,” or “Everyone has different strengths,” turns into, “I should be looking at preschools now,” “I should find an early foreign language class,” and “Now that my child is three years old, we need to start music lessons.”
Raising children is a huge responsibility that requires parents to be considerate of many decisions they make on their child's behalf. In so many instances, parents question their decisions or their child's ability compared to what other children are doing. This is the parent pressure trap. This parent trap is even more alluring when what the other children are doing is seen as more advanced or prestigious. For example, there are many assumptions made about the child who attends an academically based preschool rather than a play-based preschool, a child who plays on a “club” or competitive sports team rather than a recreational team, or a student who takes honors classes rather than general classes. Even if the child is not doing well in one of those programs, it is assumed the child is better or more gifted than his or her peers. Parents of children at all ages feel this pressure, and it entices them to fall into the trap of pushing their children to move ahead.
It is important for parents to understand that this is pressure
they
feel, not the child. Children want to hang out, have fun, and do activities of their choosing. Most children aren't thinking about which programs are more enriching.
Because no parent has all the answers, there is a constant question of whether she is doing the right thing for her kids. It is natural for parents to compare themselves to others. If they admire something another parent is doing, they want to emulate that. Parents often work for their perception of the “ideal,” but they can lose sight of whether it is ideal for their child. It is so easy to fall into the pressure trap without even realizing it.
There Is No Such Thing as a Perfect Parent
The pressure trap is really about parents wanting to do everything in their power to help their children be successful and happy. What is often overlooked is the idea that in many ways, our children's success and happiness are developed out of a sense of confidence and pride. These skills are not acquired because of early immersion in language or music but rather by a child finding a passion and being supported to follow it.
Remember that no two kids are the same. Just because some program or support worked for one child does not mean it will be as effective for others.
Try not to overmanage or overschedule your child's daily routines. Every child has a unique potential, and maintaining a healthy balance between providing opportunities and preventing burnout is one of a parent's biggest responsibilities.
The Giving Trap
Parents don't want their children to feel left out. The result is that parents fall into the trap of giving material items to their kids that they didn't have to work for.
We constantly marvel at the number of kids with whom we interact who have new and expensive smartphones, tablets, and music devices. Often, these devices were not received as presents for a birthday or holiday but are things that are just given to kids. When asked, some parents will say, “He said the old phone didn't allow him to do the things his friends do. He needed to have the smartphone.” Other parents enjoy the glee they see in their children when they give them something so cool.
Whether it is designer clothes or the latest technology, we hear from kids every day that their parents need to understand how important it is for them to have certain “cool” things or else their peers will tease them and they'll feel left out. Parents think that if they can fix the problem (i.e., by buying their children whatever they've asked for), then their children will be accepted. A lot of parents will tell us that they know that it is probably better if their kids work for these things, but the pull is strong and it is difficult not to give in. As a result, parents get caught in the giving trap.
In past generations, children learned to work hard in order to achieve goals. They had a choice: they could do the work now and get what they wanted later or else
not
do the work and
not
get what they wanted. The situation was very simple. Back then, gifts were considered extra special, not an expected item. Instead, teens would get a job to earn money to pay for things they wanted. Very often, this is not the case for this generation.
Parents tell us they want their children to have what they never had or that they want to raise their children differently because they felt deprived when they were growing up. The result is often that parents overindulge their children. Think about the increase in material things that children are given in this generation. How many children pay the monthly bill for their phones or for the apps they download to their electronic devices? We hear more and more about children who get an allowance every week but don't have to do anything to earn it. To keep teens from feeling “different,” parents buy them the latest technology, such as smartphones, tablets, and video games. This is not in line with the “you need to work for it” philosophy that most people will agree is so important.
Teach Them How to Earn Their Things
The number of children and teens who are earning money for things they want has dropped significantly. Statistics show that the number of teenagers who work hit an all-time low over the past four years despite the drop in the overall unemployment rate. Kevin Hall reported on the McClatchy DC Washington Bureau that the rate of teens who worked dropped from 52 percent in 1999 to 32.35 percent in 2013.
4
Having a part-time job in high school is a valuable way for teenagers to learn responsibility and independence and the value of earning money, organization, and planning, as well as gain esteem in their ability to work. However, with the substantial increase in overscheduling that we discussed previously, they are often not allotted the time to get a job, which in turn leads to parents paying for extra things rather than teens earning money themselves. This reinforces the lesson that things are easily obtained with little to no work.
There are several ways to teach kids the value of working for things they want. First, allowance should not, as a matter of course, be given freely. Kids need to earn their allowance, and many families use chores as ways for their children to earn money. How allowance is allotted can differ depending on the family's schedule and other factors. For example, some families do well with chore charts that assign specific tasks to certain children. Another option is to provide a specified amount of money for each chore completed. For children to feel a part of the family's responsibilities, there should also be some things that they do without being paidâfor example, setting or clearing the dinner table, taking out garbage when asked (unless it is a daily responsibility), and helping out on weekends when needed. On the other hand, there should be things that are outside of daily help that they can do to earn money, such as doing laundry or yard work, washing a car, or doing extra cleaning (vacuuming, dusting, or scrubbing).
Another way to teach kids the value of working for things they want is encouraging a job outside the home. Some students are able to work a part-time job, while others are able to have intermittent jobs, such as babysitting or dog walking. Jobs are different from chores because they allow teenagers to manage the responsibilities on their own and allow them to gain confidence and pride in earning money for work they did well.
Have Them Work for It
Introducing the concept of earning money to buy something is great on many levels. Not only does it teach children delayed gratification and that things are earned and not given, but it also teaches them how to plan and work toward achieving a goal. If you have children who become angry when you tell them they can't have something, this approach does not give them a refusal but options to get what they want. It lets them know you are listening to what is important to them and provides the message that all goals are attainable. They just need to take the initiative to obtain the goals themselves.
When a child asks for something that costs money, it is great to be supportive. That does not mean buying the item for the child; it is simply sharing the child's interest in something new. Then parents can help their children think of ways to pay for it.
â¢
“If you help me clean up the yard today, you will earn that toy you asked for.”
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“Yes, that video game at Sue's was really cool. I agree it would be fun for you guys to play it together. Let's find out how much it is and talk about how you can pay for it.”
â¢
“Yeah. I am loving that new style of jeans. They are much more than I would normally pay for your jeans. I can give you the money that I would normally set aside for your jeans, and then we can talk about how you can earn any extra that you need.”
For expensive items, finding out how much work it takes to earn enough money teaches understanding of the value of a dollar. This process teaches delayed gratification, problem solving, and planning, which are the exact skills parents strive to teach.
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“You're right. That is a really cool phone. How much is it? Let's find out when the contract on your phone is up and what credit you can get toward a new phone. If you want it sooner, I can help you find ways to earn the money.”
â¢
“You want your own car when you are sixteen? Let's determine the cost of different types of cars and you can decide how much you need to work to earn the money to buy one.”