Teaching Kids to Think (9 page)
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Authors: Darlene Sweetland
C
HAPTER
4
Understanding Developmental Stages
I was interviewing a parent who brought her son in for an ADHD evaluation. She was concerned about her son's lack of commitment to his responsibilities, such as school and cleaning his room. She wrote on one of the questionnaires that I use, “I am concerned about my constant reminders to him to stay on task. He asks for help when he doesn't need it. He isn't working his hardest to be the best he can be. If it gets done, it's because someone made him do it.” She ended with, “I don't know how to help him become an independent learner.” These seem like reasonable concerns for a parent to have, but in this case, the woman's son had recently turned six years old and just started first grade.
âDr. Ron
As psychologists, we are excited to work with parents who want great things for their children and are willing to help them achieve their goals. But sometimes we have to remind parents about what is developmentally typical for their child's age, such as when parents ask for their children to be more insightful, perceptive, and mature than most children are at that age. The first grader mentioned earlier is capable of a lot of things, but he probably shouldn't be expected to be “working his hardest to be the best he can be,” self-motivated, and an independent worker at the tender age of six. We wish we could say that scenario is unusual, but it isn't. With all the outside pressure for parents to make sure their kids have all the advantages possible, they often don't know what typical behavior is.
Most parents aren't confident in their barometer for knowing whether they are expecting enough or too much from their kids. When they are unsure, parents feel it is safer to push their kids ahead rather than risk them falling behind. That is one of the reasons it is so easy to fall into the trap of pushing kids too fast. It is possible to provide too much and push too hard, which results in kids missing out on valuable life lessons. In the first three chapters, we discussed the traps that cause parents to rescue their children. This chapter covers some simple guidelines that will help parents understand what can be expected of children at each developmental level, which will help parents to manage their own expectations. To do that, we venture into the basics of developmental stage theory.
Developmental Stage Theory
Developmental stage theory describes child development as a progression through distinct stages. Each stage is characterized by specific skills that are acquired during that stage and not before. Psychologists have been investigating this idea for decades, and some of the most famous and influential theorists have proposed their own ideas. Superstars such as John Bowlby, Sigmund Freud, Abraham Maslow, Erik Erikson, Margaret Mahler, and Jean Piaget all spent significant time developing their own unique theories of development. Despite their individual perspectives, one area of agreement is that development occurs in a predictable sequence.
As psychologists, we find developmental stage theory guides our work with children and their families in many ways. Understanding what can be expected of children based on their age and developmental readiness is critical. We take into account each child's status in the realms of social, emotional, cognitive, educational, and physical development, and then we recommend interventions that are appropriate to his or her level. Sometimes the interventions are based on “typical” child development, and sometimes the interventions are geared toward a specific skill or set of skills that may be developing slower than expected. In both cases, the child's readiness is the driving factor.
Most of the prominent developmental stage theories encompass the entire life span, not just childhood. In this chapter, we have chosen three of the most well-known and researched theories to relate to child and adolescent development in this generation.
Theory No. 1: Social Development in Children
Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development is one of the most widely accepted in child psychology. It is centered on children and teens experiencing social challenges at different stages of their development.
1
If they are able to experience those challenges and figure out what to do, the outcome is growth and maturity.
2
The key here, as it is with all the theories, is that the child must
experience
the challenge. Take, for example, staying with a babysitter for the first time or deciding whom to eat lunch with on the first day of school. Both experiences are anxiety provoking and can result in either needing more practice or feeling good about the experience. Children are not required to master a challenge once; rather they develop their ability to master it over years. Kids try something, mess up, and figure out a new way to try the next time. Children's confidence in who they are and how they approach things in life is based on their ability to experience and figure out the challenges at each stage. If children have positive experiences and learn from the challenge, they progress to the next stage feeling confident in their skills. If children fail to master the challenge, they move on at a disadvantage, either with less confidence or with a misguided understanding of their role in social interactions. Children may continue to age physically, but socially and emotionally, they may be at a different stage than their peers.
The following are brief summaries of Erikson's psychosocial stages. You will see how development progresses naturally for most children.
1.
Infancy:
Erikson's first stage is infancy, which typically lasts from birth to eighteen months. The basic conflict encountered during this stage is called
trust vs. mistrust
. This fundamental stage revolves around basic needs; the infant is completely dependent on his caregiver for food, reliable care, and affection. The infant successfully builds trust if his caregiver is dependable, whereas inconsistent or emotionally unavailable caregivers will foster mistrust in the infant. If a child progresses through this stage with positive experiences, he will be more likely to trust others as he gets older.
2.
Early Childhood:
The second stage is early childhood, which typically lasts from eighteen months to three years of age. The basic conflict at this stage is
autonomy vs. shame and doubt
. Children strive toward the development of a sense of independence and personal control over their environment and their own body. For example, a typical developmental step at this stage would be toilet training, which exemplifies control of one's own body and a sense of independence. You can see this fight for independence play out every dayâsuch as when the child decides she suddenly doesn't like a certain food or doesn't want to nap. Another example might be the child who wants to walk up the stairs rather than be carried or get himself into his own car seat. If children do not begin to do things for themselves or they are prevented from doing so, they can develop a sense of shame and doubt about their ability to be independent and self-reliant. We all know there are times when it is just not possible to let toddlers do everything on their own. Doing something for your child is typical and will not impact this stage. Only when parents choose most of the time to do things for their children, rather than allow the toddler to develop a sense of autonomy, does this pose a problem.
3.
Preschool:
Erikson's third stage typically lasts from about three years old to five or six years old. The basic conflict at this age is called
initiative vs. guilt
. Independence and one's desire for exploration develop in this stage. Children begin to exert power over their environment by manipulating things around them. We see this opportunity for development during their play. Does a child initiate play or wait for other children to decide what they are going to do? Does the child share toys or take them and leave the area so others can't have them? They become more assertive and begin to initiate events rather than passively wait for things to happen to them. When taking the initiative is successful, the child feels a sense of mastery and confidence, but the child who exerts too much or too little power may meet disapproval leading to feelings of guilt. Most often children don't know why their attempt at taking control was not accepted by others, but they feel bad or guilty that it wasn't successful. With practice, the child learns how to take initiative successfully.
As we discussed in
chapter 3
, the challenge with this generation of children is that parents are overinvolved in all aspects of their play. Parents are there to guide their children, tell them how to solve problems, and even speak for them if necessary. This overinvolvement or “hovering” inhibits the child's ability to figure out challenges on his own and learn from them. If children aren't given this chance, they are not going to progress through this stage with the confidence to take the initiative to try new things.
4.
School Age:
Erikson's fourth stage is thought to prevail from the ages of six to twelve years old. During this stage of development, the basic conflict is called
industry vs. inferiority,
and the important challenges and opportunities for development at this stage center on school. Not only are children faced with new academic demands, but the experience with more kids in structured and unstructured situations also increases the social demands placed on them. It is during these early school years that children learn how to make and keep friends in class (structured) and on the playground (unstructured). Success here leads a child to gain a sense of purpose and pride, while failure can result in feelings of inferiority. Children with a lot of friends seem more comfortable in new social situations, probably because they know they have been able to make lots of friends in the past, while children without this skill show more anxiety. It is normal for children to experience some social conflicts, just as adults do. That is how they learn the skills to manage social dynamics. Children establish these skills slowly as they progress through the stage, making mistakes along the way. If they are not allowed to make those mistakes, then they don't develop the skills. Social conflicts are one of the most difficult things for parents to watch their child go through, which is why it is so tempting to jump in and rescue their kids.
5.
Adolescence:
According to Erikson, this stage lasts from twelve to eighteen years old, but current thinking on adolescence, based on actual brain development, extends it to the early twenties. The basic conflict for adolescents is
identity vs. role confusion
and is primarily related to peer relationships and a sense of self. They may experiment with physical appearance or behavior that they find interesting or intriguing. It is healthy for teens at this age to develop their own fashion sense, interest in music, and views about the world. They will then see how others respond to how they present themselves and decide how to react to that. Think about all the different “identities” you may have tried when you were going through this stage. Sometimes you were confident in your identity and other times you were confused. Since the goal is for a young person to develop her own identity, there is little chance it will be exactly what her parents were hoping for; but rest assured, it is healthy for her to create her own identity separate from parental expectations. Teens that develop a healthy sense of identity find it easier to remain true to their belief in who they are while failure leads to role confusion and a weakened sense of self.
Most of us realize that how we identify ourselves and how we see the world changes throughout our adulthood as well. It is not necessary for a teen to enter his twenties knowing exactly who he is to be successful at this stage. What is important is having a sense of core values and beliefs that really help young people leave adolescence with confidence.
Consider Social Development When Parenting
A couple came to a session concerned that their son had told them many of his friends at school were swearing. The parents said that they told their child not to spend time with those friends at school and that they didn't think he should play together with those kids after school. I told them two things. First, it is typical for kids to experiment with swearing at that age. Second, it is so wonderful that their child is telling them this so they can help him navigate this new experience, not avoid it, or try to figure it out all alone. They can now help their son talk about why some kids swear, why adults don't want them to, and what he is going to do. If their child decides to swear too and does it around adults, he will experience the natural consequences that follow, but hopefully he will know the consequences as a result of having discussed this with them. This is a great learning experience. Trying to avoid any experience a parent thinks is “inappropriate” is futile and doesn't help a child learn.
âDr. Darlene
Again, the most important and consistent factor in healthy psychosocial development is that children need to
experience
the challenge at each stageâeven though watching children struggle socially can be difficult for parents. Parents must resist the temptation to rescue, push, overparent, and otherwise take over for their child.