Tahn (15 page)

“Only in dreams.”

“But why does it cause your concern for me now?”

“You are the only one that lives, Lady, of all my orders.”

She still didn’t understand, but something of what he was saying sunk in. “How many?” she asked. “How many people have you killed?”

“I cannot tell you, Lady. I have stopped the counting. Three last night. Three the night I went for Vari. Eight years of orders. They all flow together.”

“You started when you were
twelve
?”

“Indeed. Samis used me often. Especially when there might be climbing. Some I know were asking for the sword by their deeds, as Darin did. Others, like your husband, may have been good men.”

Until that moment, she hadn’t seen the turmoil inside him over so much death. His face was ashen, and once again, he would not meet her eyes.

“I know you would wash your hands of me, Lady,” he said. “But wait, please, till things are quieter in Merinth and round about. For your angel. And the children.”

He turned from her and began to walk away into the trees. But she saw in the bright sunlight what she could not see earlier in the cave’s dimness. His shirtless back was riddled with scars; even the skin beneath them was waxy and pale. What tortures had he known?

She thought she should call out to him, but somehow she couldn’t manage it. So she only watched him disappear into the timber. In a moment she heard a whistle and knew he’d gone off on Smoke.

The rest of the day she could not stop thinking of Uncle Winn. And home. And strange Tahn Dorn. God had been right to tell her that first night to pray for her enemies. It was right that someone should pray for Tahn Dorn. What must he have inside him? Fury and pain and the horrible nightmare she had seen. She could not imagine what it would be like to have lived in his world.

Just past nightfall he came back in a different shirt, with two more blankets and a bag of clothes. It plagued her that he was probably stealing, but she had no remedy for that until she could step forward and reclaim what had been her family’s wealth.

Oh,
she lamented,
if I had known before of Temas, Duncan, and the rest, what I could have done for them! We had so much!

Netta washed her dress as she had planned, and the children’s pants, now that there was something else to put on them, poor fit or not.

When she was finished, Tahn again separated himself from them, going into his own chamber. Netta read to the children as they helped themselves to a block of hard cheese.

“Why doesn’t the Dorn spend as much time with us as you do?” Tam asked.

“He has much on his mind,” she told him. “He must think about food for tomorrow, other things we might need, plus your lessons and protecting you.”

“He doesn’t hug like you,” Temas said.

“Perhaps he can’t,” Netta suggested.

“Why not?” asked Rane.

“Well, none of you hug very much. Almost never, in fact. But perhaps the more you are hugged, the more you are able to give hugs.”

“Has Teacher ever been hugged?” Duncan asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “But I rather doubt it. You seem to have had very little of that where you’ve been.”

“You’re right,” Stuva said. “He lived at Valhal an awfully long time. You suppose he remembers anything else?”

“He remembers Alastair,” Vari told them. “Someone he knew got hanged by the crowd. And then they all chased him and poured hot water down the hole where he was hiding.”

Netta gasped, thinking of those scars. But he would have been such a small child in Alastair. His earliest memories were of something like that?

“What’d they do to make everybody so mad?” Briant asked. “Steal stuff?”

“Nobody seems to know,” Vari said. “He don’t remember that part.”

Doogan was shaking his head sadly. “I don’t think he got hugged much.”

Netta turned to look at the boy. Such a past Tahn Dorn carried! Doogan was surely right that he’d not been hugged much. “Let’s make that a project, shall we?” she suggested. “Tomorrow let us see which of you is brave enough to be the first to try it.”

“You mean hugging the Dorn?” Stuva asked, incredulous.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Vari added.

“We won’t know that for sure,” Netta said. “Until we try. He does need to know that you appreciate what he has tried to do for you.”

“You really want one of us to do that?” Vari asked, still unconvinced.

“We should also pray for him. You agree, don’t you, Vari?”

“Yeah,” he said. “That can’t hurt.”

Netta soon had the children tucked beneath blankets. It never took them long to fall asleep. She sat up for a while, thinking of Uncle Winn again and praying for her father.
Lord, let him be alive somewhere.

When sleep finally came to her, it was filled with dreams of her childhood home, relatives and friends gathered for the blessed holy day of the Christ’s birth. But sleep was interrupted in the wee hours of morning by Temas’s urgent tugging.

“What was that, Lady? What was that?” The girl sounded frightened.

Netta sat up. “What, child?”

But Doogan answered her. “It sounded like an animal.”

It wasn’t long before she heard it. It did sound like an animal, somewhere deep in the cave. An animal in pain.

“Does something live in here?” Doogan was asking.

But Netta’s heart pounded, remembering her first night in this cave with the Dorn. The sound was coming from the direction of the water.

She didn’t know that it was him. But when the sound came again and rose to a scream, she was sure. It was muffled by the cave walls and did sound like some distant animal, but Netta knew Tahn was somewhere there in the darkness, shaking in torment.

She stood up. She hadn’t woken him before, but surely she could now. It must be the same hideous dream. She couldn’t bear to know it was going on, even at a distance.

“All of you wait here,” she told the children who were awake. “There’s nothing to worry about. I shall be back shortly.”

She took a fresh candle and started down the passageway as the screams rose again.

Vari sat up quickly. “No, Lady, don’t,” he said.

But Netta didn’t hear him.

“Mr. Dorn?” By the time she reached Tahn, he was curled on his side in violent tremors, his arms covering his head.

“Father God,” she whispered. “We sorely need your help.” She set the candle on a rock in the middle of the room. How did you best wake someone in the throes of a ghastly nightmare?

“Mr. Dorn,” she said again, approaching him slowly. She leaned and gently touched his arm. He shrank back like a caged animal, looking wild and wounded. For a brief instant, their eyes met, but he wasn’t awake. The hell was all over him, and she knew she’d made a mistake. But it was too late.

He sprang at her, and she landed hard on the cave floor, his hands suddenly clutching her throat.

“Tahn, stop! It’s the lady!” Vari cried as he rushed out of the black passageway.

But Tahn didn’t stop. He couldn’t.

“Stop!” Vari cried, running desperately at his friend. He grabbed at Tahn with both arms. The warrior released Netta long enough to wrench loose from the boy’s grasp and throw him halfway across the room.

Then he turned again to Netta. She had jumped up and backed against the cave wall. “No, Mr. Dorn,” she said. “We mean you no harm. Lord, help him come out of this!”

Vari had gotten up and grabbed the candle. He crept forward between them, holding out the flickering light like a weapon.

“Vari, no,” Netta whispered. Tahn did not look so much like an animal to her now. He was a child, terrified and in pain.

But Vari stood fast. “You can’t get to her,” he said. “The flames are between you.” He brandished the candle in Tahn’s direction.

And Tahn shrank from it. He retreated to the far wall, where he sank to the floor, covering his head again. He let out a wrenching cry.

Vari set the candle down and stepped toward him.

“No!” Tahn screamed.

Netta couldn’t bear it. “Lord, deliver him!”

Tahn put his head down to his knees. He was trembling still. Vari sat down, watching him.

“Whether a dream or demons hold you,” Netta said, “the Lord would have you in your right mind again, Mr. Dorn. No one harms you here.”

He looked up at them, and it was as though it were little Duncan sitting there. But he stood and turned away from them.

“Tahn?” Vari said. “Are you all right?”

He didn’t answer. He just walked away into a black passageway that neither Vari nor Netta knew.

“Well.” Vari sighed. “Let’s go back to the youngsters.”

“Are you sure he’s all right?”

“No. But I’m sure I’m not going after him. When he comes out, he’ll be all right.”

9

T
ahn sat alone in the blackness. He wasn’t sure of everything that had happened, but he knew it was the dream, and they had come, and he had fought them.

Why didn’t they know to leave him alone? But in a cave full of children, how long might it be before it happened again? How long before someone got hurt?

He must not let himself sleep here again. He would find another place, somewhere in the woods. But he knew that was no solution. Were his screams loud enough, they still might find him.

No, it seemed he could not sleep at all without endangering those he wanted to protect. And what good was a protector who must be feared?

He sighed deeply. What good was he to anyone? He did not wish to face the children again.
Lady Trilett is right,
he thought.
I terrorize them. I terrorize her. I even terrorize myself.

He thought of the knife he always had with him. Perhaps it would be best to slash his throat now and not wait another day to make those flames his home.

He stood, wondering where best to leave his body. Further into the cave tunnels, surely, where it could not be found.

But he stopped. What would they do? He had brought another bottle for Vari. He must give it to him and tell him where to find the man who could supply him with more. He must see that the children knew the way to the towns and how to find food. He could not leave them yet. Not so unprepared. And he must not leave his body in the cave depths at all, lest they search for him and become lost. No, he must just ride away one night and never come back. But business first. He must leave them able to survive on their own.

When Tahn finally returned to his chamber, Vari was waiting. For the opium, Tahn decided. He was needing it so often.

He pulled the bottle from his pocket. “I want you to come to town with me again,” he said. “So you’ll learn where to find what you need if I am away.”

Vari was just watching him and said nothing.

“Has the lady resumed her lessons?” Tahn asked.

“Yes.”

“Good. When they are finished, we’ll take two of the other boys with us. They need to know the towns and how to get there.”

“Tahn …”

The warrior turned to look at the youth. Then he held out the bottle in his hand.

But Vari didn’t take it. “Tahn, sir,” he said. “I … I pray for you.”

Tahn bowed his head. Somehow, from Vari, that was not really a surprise.

“I appreciate what you did for me,” the youth continued. “Anyone else would have let me die.”

But Tahn was not able to address his gratitude. “Take the bottle, Vari,” he told him. “Get it done while we are alone so we can attend to business.”

Vari stared at the bottle and then the haunted eyes of the man who held it. And he made a decision on the spot. “I don’t want it anymore.”

Tahn was quiet as he thought about what that would mean. “Vari,” he said. “It will hurt.”

“I don’t care. I’m sick of it.”

Tahn looked down at the bottle in his hand. Vari was a youth of courage. For so long, he’d been sick of it too. But what might be happening around him in the span of time needed for the drug to leave his system? “I can’t be out of my senses for three days,” he said quietly. “I must think of the little ones.”

Vari nodded his head. “There will be a time for you.”

“You’d best not ride to town today,” Tahn told him. “You always drink in the morning. You’ll be shaking for it by noon.”